Is it okay to ask my daughter why she needs to go to confession?

[chemaeslay]

My daughter is almost 11 years old now. I have been bringing her to confession pretty often lately and the following Sunday, she receives Jesus in holy communion. The very next Sunday, when it comes time to commune with our Lord, she states “I cannot go, I need to go to confession”. So, I bring her to confession again on Wednesday… then, again ,the same thing happens.
So, is it wrong for me to ask her why she is going to confession so often? Or is it none of my business?
I feel that she has sort of made it my business. I am very concerned now because this has been going on for quite a while now. As a mother, I want to ask her so I can talk with her about her sins but then on the other hand, I sort of feel like I would be crossing lines…
Please give me some feedback. Also, parents, let me know if this has ever happened to you and tell me what approach you took…
Thanks, Crystal

 

[1ke]

At 11, I don’t think your daughter’s behavior is in the range of normal. It could indicate scrupulosity or OCD issues.

I think it is best to bring it up in a gentle and caring way.

 

[3DOCTORS]

This is from my own childhood and youthful experiences…

Sometimes there were true sins - like missing Mass deliberately, or other “youthful indiscretions” I’m not going to label.

But I was for the most part a pretty conscientious young lady, to the point of scrupulosity at various times. My scrupulosity would hit after, say, a big and embarrassing sin that had been hard to confess - so a lot of anxiety had built up. It had to go somewhere, so then I’d obsess over little things.

Is your girl waiting till Communion time to say she can’t receive - and does she seem to have anxiety about it? That would possibly point to either scrupulosity or a pattern of sin she feels embarrassed to talk about. You have to tread very carefully here.

It might be better to approach the topic of guilt and examination of conscience at a different time, share some of your own experiences, maybe she’ll open up. Also find a way to slip into the conversation what spiritual direction is, and that if she feels the need for it, you’ll make an appointment with the priest for her, that sometimes we need to talk things over more than we can in the confessional and ask questions and get in-depth answers.

The most helpful thing for starters is to assure her you won’t freak out or think she’s crazy no matter what she tells you. Easier said than done, with parents and children, but necessary to build trust.

 

[MJJean]

I’d normally not ask, but considering her age and frequency of confession I would make an exception and talk to her. It’s entirely possible she misunderstands when she needs to confess before receiving.

 

[FrDavid96]

My daughter is almost 11 years old now. I have been bringing her to confession pretty often lately and the following Sunday, she receives Jesus in holy communion. The very next Sunday, when it comes time to commune with our Lord, she states “I cannot go, I need to go to confession”. So, I bring her to confession again on Wednesday… then, again ,the same thing happens.
So, is it wrong for me to ask her why she is going to confession so often? Or is it none of my business?
I feel that she has sort of made it my business. I am very concerned now because this has been going on for quite a while now. As a mother, I want to ask her so I can talk with her about her sins but then on the other hand, I sort of feel like I would be crossing lines…
Please give me some feedback. Also, parents, let me know if this has ever happened to you and tell me what approach you took…
Thanks, Crystal

No. It is not acceptable to ask your daughter why she is going to confession, or what sins she is confessing. Never.

However, it is acceptable (and possibly even necessary) for you to ask her if there is something troubling her.

What happens in Confession is protected by the Seal, and that’s inviolable.

What happens in the external forum (“Mother will you drive me to church?”) might indicate that the parent needs to “do something” or “ask something” or react in some other appropriate way.

 

[chefmomster2]

I am delighted to hear that a young person is so devoutly attached to the sacrament. That is amazing!

Short answer is, No.

You have been told why— she feels she has committed mortal sin. Pray that she will receive the guidance of the Holy Spirit. Trust the parish priests who are hearing her sins. If she is truly committing serious sin on a regular basis, they will counsel her on how to overcome her vices. If she is being overly scrupulous, they will discuss this with her, too.

The sacrament is such a trusted bond between priest and penitent. I would not try to interfere in it, even though I understand your concern for your child. It is because of your love for her! Her spiritual life should be firmly guided by you, but her conscience and faith are her own. So pray and be ready for the moment she is ready to turn to you! The prayer below may help.

I will pray for you both!

A Parents Prayer to Obtain Confidence of a Child

Mary, please pray that I may obtain the gift
of having the confidence of my child (children).
As you know, a parent needs this confidence
in order to guide their children properly.
When there are difficulties or troubles,
May they share their problems with me trustingly.
so that I may be able to more readily perform
a parent’s task of helping my child.
Mother most prudent,
when this confidence is shown,
teach me how to help and instruct my child.
Be to me a Mother of Good Counsel
and direct me at all times in the responsibilities
of my holy office of parenthood.
Amen.

family-prayer.org/parents-prayer.html#pr-ConChild

 

[jmr_1985]

Are you taking her to the same confessor? That can be helpful. It is certainly a difficult situation. It might discourage her faith in the privacy of confession if you ask her whats up. As an alternative, perhaps you could email the Priest you take her to for confession and tell him that you do not wish for him to break the seal of confession but that you are concerned about scrupulosity or that there might be some form of a problem here. If she asks to go to confession, you could send a follow up email to him the day of reminding him of the situation and say you will be bringing her that night. Then, Father can be aware of the situation and counsel her in the confessional about scrupulosity.

JMR

 

[Cricket2]

My daughter is almost 11 years old now. I have been bringing her to confession pretty often lately and the following Sunday, she receives Jesus in holy communion. The very next Sunday, when it comes time to commune with our Lord, she states “I cannot go, I need to go to confession”. So, I bring her to confession again on Wednesday… then, again ,the same thing happens.
So, is it wrong for me to ask her why she is going to confession so often? Or is it none of my business?
I feel that she has sort of made it my business. I am very concerned now because this has been going on for quite a while now. As a mother, I want to ask her so I can talk with her about her sins but then on the other hand, I sort of feel like I would be crossing lines…
Please give me some feedback. Also, parents, let me know if this has ever happened to you and tell me what approach you took…
Thanks, Crystal

No. But you can help her by telling her she can go twice a month, or once a week only. One poster suggested possible OCD. I don’t think that is the issue. She may simply like talking to the priest who hears her confession. She simply may like the chance to talk to someone outside of family about the general concerns of an 11 year old, like school, a possible bully at school or feeling bad about something at home.

It might be good for her to see a counselor for general issues, and then see a confessor on a routine basis of once weekly or twice a month. That way she experiences the benefits of both sources of help and counseling from others. Kids can worry about a lot of things these days, and it sounds to me like she is looking for a little attention or for someone to answer questions for her.

 

[1ke]

No. It is not acceptable to ask your daughter why she is going to confession, or what sins she is confessing. Never.

I don’t think that the OP meant that she would ask what sins her daughter is confesssing.

It is not normal for an 11 year old to confess weekly and then still not receive on Sunday because she believes she is already back in a state of mortal sin. Her mother needs to start a dialog with her daughter to understand what is going on with her.

 

[FrDavid96]

I don’t think that the OP meant that she would ask what sins her daughter is confesssing.

Well, I’m can’t see any other way of reading the question:
“Is it okay to ask my daughter why she needs to go to confession?”
It’s self-evident.

It is not normal for an 11 year old to confess weekly and then still not receive on Sunday because she believes she is already back in a state of mortal sin.

That is no excuse for violating the Seal of Confession.

Her mother needs to start a dialog with her daughter to understand what is going on with her.

Read my response to the OP.

 

[Havard]

Read my response to the OP.

It sounds like you and 1ke are in agreement about how to handle this, and just wording it differently.

 

[cfbyrne]

You really need to be careful here. The important thing is that she is going to Confession, and not receiving in mortal sin. The best thing you can do is to encourage her - build her up. Try to bring joy and light into her life.

Some suffer from difficult vices that can take years to correct. Everybody’s battle is different. Some are tempted little, some are pestered by temptations. She could have resisted 100 temptations in the week and succumbed to one, whereas another person might not have had even one difficult temptation to endure.

Every good confession is a holy act and you should rejoice when she asks you to go to Confession. Don’t think of the sin - think of the repentance. Reassure her that you will bring her to Confession any time. You cannot do a better thing.

Of course you can keep watch for potential occasions of sin - internet and television - too much time alone or with bad company. The devil takes advantage of sadness, stress, tiredness etc. He looks for a weak spot and he attacks. We have to try to fortify each other for together we are like a powerful army whereas alone we are like the helpless one at the end of the herd - ready to be picked off.

Life is messy. The road to sanctity is narrow and winding. If we expect everything to be neat and tidy then we will be unable to bear the crucifixion. Your daughter is doing well. Be encouraged and encourage her.

 

[revert_jen]

You have been told why— she feels she has committed mortal sin. Pray that she will receive the guidance of the Holy Spirit. Trust the parish priests who are hearing her sins. If she is truly committing serious sin on a regular basis, they will counsel her on how to overcome her vices. If she is being overly scrupulous, they will discuss this with her, too.

It’s entirely possible that the priest doesn’t know that she is being scrupulous. Although you have to confess all mortal sins, you don’t have to say, “this is a mortal sin,” and obviously you can confess venial sins. Also unless it’s been going on for a year, she doesn’t have to tell the priest that she isn’t receiving the Eucharist. I’m not suggesting she is trying to hide anything, just that it may not come up.

I think the best thing would be to find out from your daughter which priest she confesses to, not to ask him anything, but just to tell him what is going on with her, and how she isn’t receiving the Eucharist. Then ask her to (if she isn’t already) go see the priest for face-to-face confession just once.

Alternatively, if she doesn’t like that idea, just ask her to make sure she tells Father that she hasn’t been receiving the Eucharist and why.

I mean, if an 11-year-old is coming in, saying “I pinched my brother twice, and I didn’t brush my teeth last Thursday like I was told,” the priest has no way of knowing that the child thinks these things could keep her from receiving the Eucharist, so he isn’t going to be discussing it with her.

So if you do this and the situation continues, then you know it isn’t a question of scrupulosity. You can ask her if there is anything troubling her or anything you can help her with, but the hard part about that is you have to take it if she says “no.”

May God help you and your daughter to resolve whatever is going on!

–Jen

 

[1ke]

Well, I’m can’t see any other way of reading the question:
“Is it okay to ask my daughter why she needs to go to confession?”
It’s self-evident.

I don’t think it is self-evident. There are many ways to talk to young people about confession and conscience formation without saying “what did you confess”. I have worked with children for years in CCD and they often have confusion around conscience formation, particularly if they have an anxious, perfectionist, or scrupulous personality.

for violating the Seal of Confession.

The seal applies to the priest, not the penitent.

If daughter wants to talk about it, there is no issue of the seal.

If mom brings up confession and daughter talks about it, there is no violation of the seal.

I would call it problematic of mom pried it out of her daughter or used threats to coerce her to reveal her confession, but in the context of helping her daughter form her conscience a parent is not out of line to talk about sin in general or a sin or sins specifically.

Read my response to the OP.

I did.

 

[jrgmercado]

The Seal of the Confessional is a duty to/for the confessor (priest) not to the confessee…so while the priest would not/ should not be approached about your daughter’s confession there is nothing that stops you from inquiring about her need to confesses weekly. Maybe she’s being overly critical of herself and thinks that because she was “mean” to a sibling she needs to confess daily. It’s possible that there is something being done to her that she feels she needs to confess about daily. Personally, I would approach this more as teaching experience about what she sees as a need to confess so often and less of an inquisition of what she’s doing (or thinks she’s doing) to have to confess. You as the parent are just as responsible about your daughter’s faith formation as the Church. Either way listen. Don’t push her into telling you. Let her know that you are there to help her and that your number 1 priority is to protect her.

 

[1ke]

It’s possible that there is something being done to her that she feels she needs to confess about daily.

I had this thought as well.

 

[chemaeslay]

This is from my own childhood and youthful experiences…

Sometimes there were true sins - like missing Mass deliberately, or other “youthful indiscretions” I’m not going to label.

But I was for the most part a pretty conscientious young lady, to the point of scrupulosity at various times. My scrupulosity would hit after, say, a big and embarrassing sin that had been hard to confess - so a lot of anxiety had built up. It had to go somewhere, so then I’d obsess over little things.

Is your girl waiting till Communion time to say she can’t receive - and does she seem to have anxiety about it? That would possibly point to either scrupulosity or a pattern of sin she feels embarrassed to talk about. You have to tread very carefully here.

It might be better to approach the topic of guilt and examination of conscience at a different time, share some of your own experiences, maybe she’ll open up. Also find a way to slip into the conversation what spiritual direction is, and that if she feels the need for it, you’ll make an appointment with the priest for her, that sometimes we need to talk things over more than we can in the confessional and ask questions and get in-depth answers.

The most helpful thing for starters is to assure her you won’t freak out or think she’s crazy no matter what she tells you. Easier said than done, with parents and children, but necessary to build trust.

I like this reply, I just started reading the replys, still many more to go. Than you for the good info everyone I will be adding more.

 

[Hopey]

I had something similar happen to one of mine. The way I handled it was with a little humor and going back over mortal/venial sin and when we can receive communion and when we can’t. I told her I would be more than happy to take her weekly, fantastic!, but it was troubling that she wasn’t following it up with communion the very next day. Or if she needed help, had questions, in other areas, I was there.
I also underscored our need for communion. I also asked her if anyone had given her any advice to do a fast from communion (as had been told to me at one time) and she said no.
It did clear up, meaning she was more relaxed, going to communing and asking to go to confession less.

 

[chemaeslay]

honestly , I am worried she is masturbating or something. I just don’t know and am concerned. I don’t see her sinning or acting sinful at all. Shes a good kid, and very well behaved, yes shes annoying and disrespectful like all kids in little annoyances, but in general, she does not dress immodestly, she dose not use bad language, no bad music…ect. no clues to why.

If she is masturbating, How do I get her to stop? What a uncomfortable thing to try to teach a kid and let alone get them to stop if it is a issue…and to try to do it without even knowing if that is what it is…

Thanks,
Crystal

 

[Hopey]

honestly , I am worried she is masturbating or something. I just don’t know and am concerned. I don’t see her sinning or acting sinful at all. Shes a good kid, and very well behaved, yes shes annoying and disrespectful like all kids in little annoyances, but in general, she does not dress immodestly, she dose not use bad language, no bad music…ect. no clues to why.

If she is masturbating, How do I get her to stop? What a uncomfortable thing to try to teach a kid and let alone get them to stop if it is a issue…and to try to do it without even knowing if that is what it is…

Thanks,
Crystal

Talk with her. There are materials, Love and Life, you can do at home alone. Good bonding time also. Asking her point blank will probably get you a “NO” no matter what. Be there for her and tell her you understand what it is like to be a girl becoming a woman.

FROM EXPERIENCE, if you ask if they are doing X, and it is embarrassing, it will cause them to say no.
It may be time to get some materials to see help you and her see why and what is natural (not that it is any less sinful) but she will get through it.