Is it over?

[saintbtg]

My husband and I have always had a “rocky” relationship. I like to think that it’s 85/15. 85% of the time it’s great but 15% of the time it sucks. We fight but then the next morning it always seems like the fight never happened, things are back to normal.

Monday we got in a fight and the next day I noticed dh wasn’t wearing his wedding ring. When I would tell him I love him he wouldn’t respond. I just thought that maybe he needed more time to get over the fight we had so I didn’t say anything.

So after 2 days of it I finally asked him what was going on and he told me that he felt like he is on a hamster wheel, that he is giving everything and getting nothing and that his is such too tired to deal with anything anymore, that his life was just way too much work…and he wasn’t just talking about me, he was talking about our 4 year old son too.

I was totally dumbfounded…where the hell was this coming from? I always thought he was happy. I stay home with our son…clean the house, get him a beer when he gets home from work, do whatever he wants in the bedroom, usually agree with him (so we don’t argue), if he asks for it he gets it. I feel like I bend over backwards to try and make him happy. So why it is so much “work” for him? I asked him if he loved me and he was silent…no answer! I couldn’t believe it. He asked me if I had every questioned our marriage and honestly…no. We fight but I have never questioned his love for me until last night. It’s like he emptied a ton of bricks on me.

What do I do?

 

[purplesunshine]

You give him what you think he wants. I’m sure he didn’t marry you to be a “yes man”.

He may also be hurting from the fights. He may feel, “hey gee, I go to work and I bust my butt so she can be a stay at home mom, I don’t ask to much of her and when I do she agrees with me. And every so often she gets mad and we fight and then she says everything’s fine.”

I think that you should suggest therapy and see if he’s willing to work, if he feels stuck in a rut then work with him. Do you think that your words would suprize him?

 

[Sierrah]

Sounds like you two just need to work on things and be more open with each other. Sometimes giving someone everything they want isn’t such a good thing as with a child…would you spoil the child and spare the rod? Or like the other poster said maybe you’re misreading what he actually wants.

 

[saintbtg]

First of all our argument was over how he treats our son. He is too aggressive with his punishments for him and swears at him. He scares him and then gets mad when our son doesn’t want to be next to him.

I do me best to not start fights…In fact I try my hardest to keep things running smoothly. He picks fights all the time. Most of the time I can walk away or ignore it but when it is regarding my son, then the gloves are off…It’s almost like he wants a fight.

I also do daycare and at the moment bring in more money than he does. I understand that he works hard and I have never said that he doesn’t. I tell him that I appreciate him and it’s always met with sarcasm.

And usually after our fights he is the one that doesn’t want to talk about it and acts like everything is fine. I always try to bring it up the next day so we can talk it out but we never wants too. So after a while, I stopped trying to bring it up.

I just don’t know what to do, If I rock the boat then I’m in the wrong. If I question him, then I’m the wrong. If I agree with him, I’m still in the wrong??? If he doesn’t love me and doesn’t want to put up with our family anymore then I feel like he should just leave. it’s not fair for me or our son to have him around when you can tell he doesn’t like us.

 

[purplesunshine]

OP what I’m seeing again is “I bring in more money, I always try not to fight, I work hard.” but what I hear is “I bring in more money than him, I try not to fight more than him and I work harder than him.” Comparing what you do to what he’s doing. And you FEEL he picks fights. You AVOID fights. Perhaps he isn’t trying to “pick fights” but get your darned opinion on something…and all you do is roll over.

Only HE can determine if he’s giving 100% and it’s up to you to determine if his 100% will be acceptable to you. He admitted his tired vulnerability. He’s having a tough time being a breadwinner, a man, and taking care of his family. Why are you so focused on that being a negative? He told you why he’s hurting…that’s a big deal.

And he is making the decision to try and work through this time of darkness. He hasn’t left you. THAT is love, weither he feels it or not.

Perhaps he needs individual counseling. But you DESPRITLY NEED counseling either way.

 

[Sasha]

I’m really sorry to hear what you are going through, saintbtg.

Everything I’m going to say here is coming from someone who was married to someone who refused to communicate (I tried lots of different approaches), and one day out of the blue he just told me that he wanted a divorce. He got it and I recently had my marriage declared invalid. So… understand that anything I tell you is coming from the perspective of what I’ve been through and may not be valid in your case… but hopefully there will be something useful in here.

I can’t tell you if “it’s over”, but the fact that he’s still in the house is a good sign that he may be willing to work on it. I would certainly go about things as though it’s not over. Try to get him in counselling, Retrouaville, talling to your priest (is he Catholic?) - anything he will agree to. Communication is the key. I know someone else who went through something very similar to what I did, but her husband was willing to work on it a bit and they are a stronger couple now than they ever were. Maybe you can be that couple too.

Regardless of whether your husband will go to any form of counselling, *please, *get some individual counselling for yourself. Talking to your priest is a very good start, but if you can, get some professional counselling for yourself as well. It was a huge help to me and regardless of what happens in your marriage, there’s obviously an issue to deal with and counselling will help you (Catholic counsellor if at all possible).

And, of course, pray. Pray for him, pray for your marriage, pray for your son. I hope things work out. :console:

And I was interrupted several times writing this… so if there have been more posts that make this invalid… feel free to ignore.