Is it poor etiquette to invite single people to a wedding without inviting them to bring a guest?

[on_the_hill]

It depends on the size of the wedding. If it’s something very small/intimate, then a “guest” would typically only be someone with whom you are in a significant relationship. And even more correctly, the invite would also include that persons name as well.

This. Our wedding was fairly small, relative to our families’ sizes. We invited 100 people, left out a lot of people, and a friend of mine was invited as a singleton. He brought a guest. It irritated me that he did, because other people had asked to bring guests and we said no. Guests had to be someone who was very close to the invitee, not someone to keep them company, not a casual boyfriend/girlfriend.

That being said, enough people RSVP’d in the negative that there wasn’t a problem from a logistics standpoint (food, seating, etc), and in the end worth it to stay on good terms with a friend.

 

[phil19034]

What do you think: Is it poor etiquette to invite a single person to a wedding without also inviting him to bring a date or friend (e.g., inviting only “Miss Jane Smith” instead of “Miss Jane Smith and Guest”)? Does it depend on the type of wedding?

I ask because I recently received two wedding invitations that were addressed only to me. I always thought that if one invites a single person to a wedding, one also extends the invitation to a guest as well. I am not complaining, as I plan to attend these weddings and have a good time regardless; but I am curious as to what the standard etiquette is. (I searched for the opinion of columnist “Miss Manners,” but could not find one on this question.)

Emily Post says the following:

What do I do about guests who ask to bring guests?
It is impolite of a guest to ask if he or she can bring a date—but it is not impolite of you to refuse. Say, “I’m sorry, Stan, but we have very limited seating at the reception and we just can’t accommodate any additional guests.” However, if you discover that they are engaged or living together, invite your friend’s partner, either verbally or by invitation

If they are family or friends, you do not have to invite them with a guest if they are not (1) married, (2) engaged, or (3) living with their significant other.

The only time a bride and groom should feel compelled to invite “and guest” is when you inviting single people you don’t personally know very well. For example: inviting business associates, business associates of your parents, etc.

But you don’t have to for family and friends. And it’s never polite to ask to bring a guest or just bring one when the invitation only lists you. Keep in mind that the bride and groom have a budget to work in and people they wanted to invite are always cut from the list.

I guess one other situation when you would want to give someone the option of bringing a guest is if your wedding was going to be like a formal ball. If you are going to make your all your guests wear a tux and the music is going to be mostly slow, then giving them the option might not be a bad idea (if you are going to have a $50,000+ wedding, then inviting a few guests shouldn’t be a big deal from a budget stand point, but there still could be seating issues.)

Hope this is helpful.

 

[pianistclare]

it’s your wedding, do as you wish. If someone says something to you along the lines of being upset, THAT is poor etiquette.

 

[Lorelei12]

If they are family or friends, you do not have to invite them with a guest if they are not (1) married, (2) engaged, or (3) living with their significant other.

One and two, of course. The third, I have kind of a problem with. I know that it’s considered the right thing to do, etiquette-wise, but is it supposed to be some indicator of the seriousness of your relationship if you are living with someone?

We knew a few couples who had been together a long time, not living together, and were very serious, and both halves were invited to our wedding (we also knew both people). There were a few people who had recently moved in with their boyfriends/girlfriends (and hadn’t been together that long, either, like a few months). We’d never met the “other halves”, and did not consider “living together” to be a legitimate category to base anything on. Maybe bad etiquette-according to recent times- and usually I am all about good etiquette. But in this instance, I guess we broke the “rules”.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

One and two, of course. The third, I have kind of a problem with. I know that it’s considered the right thing to do, etiquette-wise, but is it supposed to be some indicator of the seriousness of your relationship if you are living with someone?

We knew a few couples who had been together a long time, not living together, and were very serious, and both halves were invited to our wedding (we also knew both people). There were a few people who had recently moved in with their boyfriends/girlfriends (and hadn’t been together that long, either, like a few months). We’d never met the “other halves”, and did not consider “living together” to be a legitimate category to base anything on. Maybe bad etiquette-according to recent times- and usually I am all about good etiquette. But in this instance, I guess we broke the “rules”.

I think it’s about respect for the household. I couldn’t imagine inviting only one half of a household, knowing that in all likelihood accepting the invite will mean using joint resources. I know that when my husband and I were living together, a wedding invitation just to me would have meant taking a Saturday away from us (and like it or not, living together couples value their weekends together just as marrieds do), using joint funds to purchase a gift (probably $50-$100), and depending on how far the wedding was, using a joint vehicle for the day. I just wouldn’t be willing to take those resources that were ‘ours’ and using them on someone who only wanted to deal with ‘me’. I would have passed, and he would have done the same.

As for couples not living together-isn’t not being serious kind of the point? I thought that the point of dating was to discern marriage and to be free of commitment, so that if either of you felt that it wasn’t right you were free to walk away. Normally, couples who live together do have some sort of commitment. Heck, even on this site people say to posters seeking advice on long term relationships that if they were really that serious, they would at least be engaged.

 

[EasterJoy]

it’s your wedding, do as you wish. If someone says something to you along the lines of being upset, THAT is poor etiquette.

It is considered poor form to invite one half of a married or engaged couple to a purely social event that is not single-gender or otherwise restricted for some legitimate reason.

What about those who are living in sin or those long-time social units who aren’t married and one of whom the hosts just do not like? According to Miss Manners,

“You do not invite one member of a socially recognized couple to a purely social function, such as a wedding, without inviting the other. You know yourself that you can’t stand Uncle Horace but that you could not possibly invite Aunt Flora to come without him. The difficulty, of course, is defining such a couple. Traditionally, fiances, as well as spouses, have always qualified. By general consensus, like it or not, people who have set up housekeeping together, declaring themselves to be a social unit, are also recognized.”
–from Miss Manners’ Guide for the Turn-of-the-Millennium, by Judith Martin

IOW, if this were up to the hosts, Miss Manners would surely say so. By “like it or not,” she means to say this is a decision made by the prevailing social universe, not you or me or even Miss Manners, Gentle Reader. It is OK to leave Uncle Horace off of the guest list if the social event is a ladies-only bridal shower. It is not OK to invite Flora and not Horace to an event that generally includes couples.

If the couple is as much a pair as salt and pepper, it is better to just invite both or else neither. Because etiquette demands the two be invited together, it will not be taken as a vote for or against their decision to live together. (It kind of takes the heat off in terms of any implied complicity with those who are giving scandal.)

 

[BlueEyedLady]

It is considered poor form to invite one half of a married or engaged couple to a purely social event that is not single-gender or otherwise restricted for some legitimate reason.

What about those who are living in sin or those long-time social units who aren’t married and one of whom the hosts just do not like? According to Miss Manners,

“You do not invite one member of a socially recognized couple to a purely social function, such as a wedding, without inviting the other. You know yourself that you can’t stand Uncle Horace but that you could not possibly invite Aunt Flora to come without him. The difficulty, of course, is defining such a couple. Traditionally, fiances, as well as spouses, have always qualified. By general consensus, like it or not, people who have set up housekeeping together, declaring themselves to be a social unit, are also recognized.”
–from Miss Manners’ Guide for the Turn-of-the-Millennium, by Judith Martin

IOW, this is a decision made by the prevailing social universe, not you or me or even Judith Martin. It is OK to leave Uncle Horace off of the guest list if the social event is a ladies-only bridal shower. It is not OK to invite Flora and not Horace to an event that generally includes couples.

I think that there is real danger in inviting only one-half of a social unit to a social event. I think that unless the couple knows you very well and really trusts that you support their relationship and wouldn’t do anything to harm it, you are opening yourself up to allegations of either trying to set the person up with someone at your wedding, or at least tacitly trying to encourage them to find someone else.

 

[WingsOfEagles]

I’ve received multiple invitations for just me. If I had a longtime boyfriend or husband, I might find it rude, but not when I am single. There have always been other people I know anyway. I just feel flattered to be invited.

 

[EasterJoy]

I think that there is real danger in inviting only one-half of a social unit to a social event. I think that unless the couple knows you very well and really trusts that you support their relationship and wouldn’t do anything to harm it, you are opening yourself up to allegations of either trying to set the person up with someone at your wedding, or at least tacitly trying to encourage them to find someone else.

If they are all-but-engaged, you run the risk of making this statement: Yeah, we’ve met him/her, and don’t much care for what we’ve seen. And yes, they could also read in: Come to the party; we think you could do better. Even when the person has given very good reason for making such a “statement,” it is just not done, because you put the one you actually like in such a bad position. It is like inviting one friend with the other one standing there, but leaving the other one out. You just don’t do that. If you invite one and not the other, even for legitimate reasons, you don’t wave it in front of the excluded friend’s face with your invited guest left to take the flak.

 

[fin]

Not directly related, but there are times when a family is invited (let’s say a family of 5), a member of the family brings a guest (girlfriend, boyfriend) without informing the bride and groom, even though the only 5 seats were reserved for them. So there’s an extra person unaccounted for, but I think the groom and bride, and the wedding planner if there’s any provide allowances for these ‘surprise’ guests.

 

[Lorelei12]

I think it’s about respect for the household. I couldn’t imagine inviting only one half of a household, knowing that in all likelihood accepting the invite will mean using joint resources. I know that when my husband and I were living together, a wedding invitation just to me would have meant taking a Saturday away from us (and like it or not, living together couples value their weekends together just as marrieds do), using joint funds to purchase a gift (probably $50-$100), and depending on how far the wedding was, using a joint vehicle for the day. I just wouldn’t be willing to take those resources that were ‘ours’ and using them on someone who only wanted to deal with ‘me’. I would have passed, and he would have done the same.

As for couples not living together-isn’t not being serious kind of the point? I thought that the point of dating was to discern marriage and to be free of commitment, so that if either of you felt that it wasn’t right you were free to walk away. Normally, couples who live together do have some sort of commitment. Heck, even on this site people say to posters seeking advice on long term relationships that if they were really that serious, they would at least be engaged.

Your point is well-taken. In our instance, the “other halves” of couples living together that we did not invite were people we actually had not ever even met- and in one case, did not even know existed until the invited person asked if she could bring her live-in boyfriend she’d just met a couple of months prior. We also invited several couples who we knew lived together, but were both friends of ours and we knew them and wanted them there.

I guess, in our case, living together was just not criteria we used either way- to invite or to exclude. It was more “have we ever met this person, and if not, do we really want to exclude someone we know and want at our wedding just to invite him or her”? That being said, I would not have been insulted and would have understood if those invited chose not to come because of it, but all of them were gracious and did come and wish us well.

We ended up being personally acquainted with every single one of our guests, and that was the way we wanted it. There was no one who was in a relationship for more than a year who was left out, regardless of living situation. I just have an issue with using “living together” as legitimate criteria, etiquette or not. I know so many people who moved in with significant others after a few months, and I suppose Miss Manners would say they’ve “declared themselves a social unit”. But if we invited those people, who we’d never even met, we wouldn’t have been able to invite people we actually wanted there.

 

[Naskor]

Not poor etiquette. In fact that had no etiquette or class at all. Being unattached isn’t what bothers me the most about being single, but rather how other people treat me.

 

[pianistclare]

It is considered poor form to invite one half of a married or engaged couple to a purely social event that is not single-gender or otherwise restricted for some legitimate reason.

What about those who are living in sin or those long-time social units who aren’t married and one of whom the hosts just do not like? According to Miss Manners,

“You do not invite one member of a socially recognized couple to a purely social function, such as a wedding, without inviting the other. You know yourself that you can’t stand Uncle Horace but that you could not possibly invite Aunt Flora to come without him. The difficulty, of course, is defining such a couple. Traditionally, fiances, as well as spouses, have always qualified. By general consensus, like it or not, people who have set up housekeeping together, declaring themselves to be a social unit, are also recognized.”
–from Miss Manners’ Guide for the Turn-of-the-Millennium, by Judith Martin

IOW, if this were up to the hosts, Miss Manners would surely say so. By “like it or not,” she means to say this is a decision made by the prevailing social universe, not you or me or even Miss Manners, Gentle Reader. It is OK to leave Uncle Horace off of the guest list if the social event is a ladies-only bridal shower. It is not OK to invite Flora and not Horace to an event that generally includes couples.

If the couple is as much a pair as salt and pepper, it is better to just invite both or else neither. Because etiquette demands the two be invited together, it will not be taken as a vote for or against their decision to live together. (It kind of takes the heat off in terms of any implied complicity with those who are giving scandal.)

I hadn’t even considered that she was talking about couples!
I was talking about single friends and their dates. Of course couples should be invited.

 

[EasterJoy]

I hadn’t even considered that she was talking about couples!
I was talking about single friends and their dates. Of course couples should be invited.

No, I only meant to clarify your point that it is generally unacceptable to tell a host you don’t approve of their guest list.

If you inadvertently neglect to invite someone who is married or engaged (perhaps because you didn’t know your primary guest was engaged), then it is considered OK for the person you invited to call and let you know that although you sent the one person an invitation as a single, that person is actually part of a social unit and isn’t free to accept the invitation unless the whole unit is invited. They don’t get to demand the other be invited, but they do get to say, “I’m not in a position to come if you don’t invite him/her.” It is also considered a social faux pas to know they are a couple and to snub one of them on purpose. You have to choose both or choose neither…as Miss Manners says, “like it or not.”

 

[EasterJoy]

Not poor etiquette. In fact that had no etiquette or class at all. Being unattached isn’t what bothers me the most about being single, but rather how other people treat me.

Please clarify what you mean. Do you mean they treat you badly by not inviting you to bring a date they don’t know or that they treat you badly by implying that you can’t be expected to come and have a good time as a single because you don’t know how to socialize in your own social circle without bringing someone the hosts don’t even know along with you?

 

[gh4]

I went to one wedding alone. It was not fun. I only knew about 6 people there besides the bride. (didn’t know the groom) I have never felt so out of place in my life. I was glad when I could escape and go home. Last time I ever went to a wedding unescorted. When my son got married they put “and guest” on all the singles invitations. I don’t know how many people brought a friend/escort/date, but I’m sure some did.

From Emily Post:
What do I do about including partners?

Partners of invited guests must be included in a wedding invitation. This includes couples who are married, engaged, or living together. Allowing single guests who aren’t attached to a significant other to bring a date is a thoughtful gesture, but one that is not required. A single invitation addressed to both members of a married couple, or a couple who live together, is sent to their shared address, while invitations to an engaged or long-standing couple who don’t live together are sent separately, to each address. Envelopes addressed to a single friend that include “and Guest” indicate that he or she may bring an escort or friend.

 

[Xantippe]

I went to one wedding alone. It was not fun. I only knew about 6 people there besides the bride. (didn’t know the groom) I have never felt so out of place in my life. I was glad when I could escape and go home. Last time I ever went to a wedding unescorted. When my son got married they put “and guest” on all the singles invitations. I don’t know how many people brought a friend/escort/date, but I’m sure some did.

From Emily Post:
What do I do about including partners?

Partners of invited guests must be included in a wedding invitation. This includes couples who are married, engaged, or living together. Allowing single guests who aren’t attached to a significant other to bring a date is a thoughtful gesture, but one that is not required. A single invitation addressed to both members of a married couple, or a couple who live together, is sent to their shared address, while invitations to an engaged or long-standing couple who don’t live together are sent separately, to each address. Envelopes addressed to a single friend that include “and Guest” indicate that he or she may bring an escort or friend.

I went to one wedding alone. I knew nobody but the bride and the groom a little. The bride had kindly put me up in a sort of family cabin and made transportation arrangements for me (I didn’t have a car). It was amazing!

 

[Honus]

IMO, it is very poor form to not put ‘and guest’. As someone who married later in life I always appreciated when I received a ‘and guest’ invitation. Most times I probably didn’t bring a guest, but I appreciated having the choice. I understand every wedding has a different budget, but it just always struck me as very cheap when a ‘and guest’ wasn’t included.

 

[Xantippe]

IMO, it is very poor form to not put ‘and guest’. As someone who married later in life I always appreciated when I received a ‘and guest’ invitation. Most times I probably didn’t bring a guest, but I appreciated having the choice. I understand every wedding has a different budget, but it just always struck me as very cheap when a ‘and guest’ wasn’t included.

When you invite people over to your house, do you normally write the invitations “and guest”? Probably not.

To me, if it’s necessary to write “and guest” it suggests that you might not know the person well enough to have them at your wedding. When you’re close to people, you know if they have a spouse, fiance, or long-term sweetie.

 

[EasterJoy]

IMO, it is very poor form to not put ‘and guest’. As someone who married later in life I always appreciated when I received a ‘and guest’ invitation. Most times I probably didn’t bring a guest, but I appreciated having the choice. I understand every wedding has a different budget, but it just always struck me as very cheap when a ‘and guest’ wasn’t included.

I’ve come to think of it as an odd thing to expect. It is not about the money, it is about who gets invited and who gets left out. It is their wedding, why would you ask to bring some random person to it, maybe a total stranger? It’s not as if they didn’t have to draw the line and leave people *they actually know *off of the list. The line has to be drawn somewhere, no matter how big the wedding is. So while I think calling a guest and asking if there is someone else that ought to be invited as company for them is a gracious thing to do, I certainly wouldn’t chalk up an unwillingness to do it to being cheap.

I do make an effort at weddings to see if there are guests who don’t seem to have anyone to talk to. It is fun to get to know the bride and/or groom’s other friends and relatives, and nobody at a wedding ought to be left out of the socializing just because they didn’t know anyone when they walked in. If you are at the wedding, that’s an introduction. Don’t act like strangers!