Could I truly desire with my entire heart to give myself fully to God in a specific way, but the reality is that God wants me to give myself to him in a different way? Why would he allow me to pine for a very specific vocation for so long, only for me to discover that that longing wasn’t even from him? Especially considering that, ultimately, all I want is to do his will.
I feel so sad now that I realize this burning that I have may never be satisfied. It hurts!
I am curious also as to why you would think that Carmel is not your vocation and that God is calling you elsewhere?
What is your motivation in wanting to enter Carmel?
These are two very important questions that I think you need to answer carefully (at very least) for yourself if not in writing in this thread. Ideally these questions will be answered by you with spiritual direction which is a vastly and totally different matter, and far more important matter, than posts in a Catholic discussion site. We posters can only be quite superficial really and share our thoughts - and such is not spiritual direction.
Basically, there are three initial signs of vocation
- Attraction to the life
- Ability to lead the life (includes right motivation)
- Acceptance into the life
The above three factors do not come about ‘willy nilly’ through an accident of ‘fate’ - these are the initial three Graces The Lord provides when He is calling to a certain state in life.
Discernment sometimes starts out with the first (attraction) and you seem to have this. The second step is to discern if one has the ability to lead the life. Discerning this second step is very initially through our own discerning and through communicating with the religious order to which we are attracted. The final step in the basics is to be accepted into the religious community to which we are attracted and have been communicating - after which there are another 6 or 7 years of discernment actually living the life in the religious community (postulancy, noviciate, temporary vows). During these stages of discernment, attraction to live the life and ability to the life, for two only, are tried and tested while actually living the way of life.
A vocation to religious life is only finally discerned and confirmed with Final Life Vows in the community. It is with Final Vows that one actually knows that one does indeed have the Grace from God of a call and vocation to religious life. Until then, it is a journey of quite a few years of discerning. With Final Vows, the third basic step is fully realized and fulfilled and one is lovingly accepted as a full and final vowed member of the community.
If one is attracted to say religious life and discovers that they do not have the ability to lead the life, very often careful discernment will reveal that perhaps one’s motivation in the attraction to religious life was suspect and possibly more about a certain self indulgence than anything else. However, this does not always apply and one can be very disappointed and saddened to find that they do not have the ability to lead the religious life while one’s motivation is not at all suspect. If one is focused on God’s Will, there might well be a period of grieving for one’s own desire (and this can be a very painful time and yet at the same time a period of sometimes great spiritual growth - it can be a dark journey of unknowing and of detaching), but unfailingly this will resolve with full acceptance and loving embrace of God’s Will if indeed one is focused on God’s Will and knowing dependance on His Grace in all things.
This resolution and this journey (and journey it is!) will lead to happiness, Peace and Joy - and with fulfillment in life’s continuing journey no matter where The Lord may lead in one’s journey through life. This, of course, does not mean that there is no suffering, no Cross, for there is no Christ, no Catholic Christianity, without The Cross of Jesus.
