C
Carmen22
Guest
I have made so many mistakes and committed so many sins.
Even having gone to confession and done my best to do penance not repeat previous sins, I am still fully aware that the sins I’ve already committed have real consequences in my life. Despite my gratitude for God’s forgiveness, I am still overcome with guilt.
I feel I have ruined God’s plan for my life through my sins.and mistakes. Because of them I have lost and damaged relationships with friends and family members. I am afraid that these relationships will never be able to reach the full potential God may have intended for them. It breaks my heart when I consider all the blessings God gave me that I threw away.
It all started last easter when I was raped at a party. I was not drunk, but I was drinking. Though I realize this doesn’t put me to blame, I also know that were I perhaps more sober I could have done something to prevent what happened. In the months that followed I became severely depressed. I did seek help for my depression - but I did so too late.
My family blames me for the incident. I am a convert to Catholicism from a baptist family. My parent’s particular brand of Baptist faith causes them to view bad things (like rape) as a direct consequence of sin (like drinking alcohol). Since I left their church at age 17, they have considered me an “apostate” and therefore destined for hell. Still, things had been better between us and I never imagined they would blame me for what happened.
I have always had my friends support, and still do. Before seeking therapy and even shortly after I experienced several suicidal moments. My friends went above and beyond to be with me and support me through those times, as well as through many sleepless night. Many nights my lifelong best friend stayed up with me until 4 or 5 AM. But, as you can imagine, it is becoming difficult for them to have a friend this needy. I admit I have relied to much on them. They would never admit this, but I overheard a conversation on which one friend told the other, “I know there are so many things I can do to help her, and I’m never going to give up on her. But lately I am wondering if I can keep helping her without getting depressed myself. I don’t want to tell her this because she doesn’t deserve to feel anymore guilt.”
That was when I know I had to be more careful about how much pressure I placed on my friends, because I never meant to burden them. Now I basically keep my pain to myself, which is very isolating. Even so, some of my friendships have been permanently impacted by my past decisions.
This has gone on for about 9 months. Therapy, medication, and daily Mass has only done so much to help. I still cry every morning when I wake up and every night when I go to bed.
I am beg God for the strength to bear the weight of the problems I’m facing - those that occurred by themselves and those that I caused myself. But I still can’t shake the feeling that even though I couldn’t have controlled what happened to me, I could have handled it better and not lost so much because of it. I know I can’t dwell on the past if I want any hope for the future, but try as I might I can’t move on. Like I said, I’m afraid I ruined God’s plan for my life, and my future doesn’t feel bright. How do I convince myself to keep going on and trust God to still make something good from all this?
Even having gone to confession and done my best to do penance not repeat previous sins, I am still fully aware that the sins I’ve already committed have real consequences in my life. Despite my gratitude for God’s forgiveness, I am still overcome with guilt.
I feel I have ruined God’s plan for my life through my sins.and mistakes. Because of them I have lost and damaged relationships with friends and family members. I am afraid that these relationships will never be able to reach the full potential God may have intended for them. It breaks my heart when I consider all the blessings God gave me that I threw away.
It all started last easter when I was raped at a party. I was not drunk, but I was drinking. Though I realize this doesn’t put me to blame, I also know that were I perhaps more sober I could have done something to prevent what happened. In the months that followed I became severely depressed. I did seek help for my depression - but I did so too late.
My family blames me for the incident. I am a convert to Catholicism from a baptist family. My parent’s particular brand of Baptist faith causes them to view bad things (like rape) as a direct consequence of sin (like drinking alcohol). Since I left their church at age 17, they have considered me an “apostate” and therefore destined for hell. Still, things had been better between us and I never imagined they would blame me for what happened.
I have always had my friends support, and still do. Before seeking therapy and even shortly after I experienced several suicidal moments. My friends went above and beyond to be with me and support me through those times, as well as through many sleepless night. Many nights my lifelong best friend stayed up with me until 4 or 5 AM. But, as you can imagine, it is becoming difficult for them to have a friend this needy. I admit I have relied to much on them. They would never admit this, but I overheard a conversation on which one friend told the other, “I know there are so many things I can do to help her, and I’m never going to give up on her. But lately I am wondering if I can keep helping her without getting depressed myself. I don’t want to tell her this because she doesn’t deserve to feel anymore guilt.”
That was when I know I had to be more careful about how much pressure I placed on my friends, because I never meant to burden them. Now I basically keep my pain to myself, which is very isolating. Even so, some of my friendships have been permanently impacted by my past decisions.
This has gone on for about 9 months. Therapy, medication, and daily Mass has only done so much to help. I still cry every morning when I wake up and every night when I go to bed.
I am beg God for the strength to bear the weight of the problems I’m facing - those that occurred by themselves and those that I caused myself. But I still can’t shake the feeling that even though I couldn’t have controlled what happened to me, I could have handled it better and not lost so much because of it. I know I can’t dwell on the past if I want any hope for the future, but try as I might I can’t move on. Like I said, I’m afraid I ruined God’s plan for my life, and my future doesn’t feel bright. How do I convince myself to keep going on and trust God to still make something good from all this?
In fact, if He ceased loving us, we would simply cease to exist because there is no reason for us to be here otherwise. So the fact that you’re here means He loves you immensely!