Is it realistic to expect a marriage to be perfect?

[fhansen]

Oh, ok. I just took it as sort of funny-and an honest acknowledgment that no humans are perfect, and therefore no human enterprise in this life-such as a marriage-will achieve absolute perfection.

 

[RolandThompsonGunner]

So she thinks her fault is getting married to her husband? That’s an awful story disguised as a cute comeback. But it isn’t loving, or what marriage is about.

Sounds like just a joke, though…

 

[Tis_Bearself]

Any husband who would say something like that to his wife deserves whatever grief he gets back. So I would hope it’s a joke.

 

[Sarcelle]

He could also say the same thing to her if she insisted on telling him his faults.

 

[Sarcelle]

He wouldn’t have been given that comeback if he hadn’t mentioned telling her faults like a sanctimonious jerk.

 

[heidi_storage]

This is a loaded question that just screams “needs more context.” No one has ever said that a marriage should be “perfect,” but there’s a big difference between “we have rough patches” and “our marriage is a dumpster fire.” “Needs to work on communication” is something that could probably be said of all of us, to some extent–is there anyone who communicates perfectly with his or her spouse? But it could also indicate “Every time we bring up one of the issues we’ve been fighting about for 20 years, it devolves into a screaming match.”

I think that one piece of relationship advice I don’t see for engaged or newly-married couples is “Be polite to your spouse.” That sounds chilly, but it is on the one hand so very easy to lose your patience with someone whose life you share, and on the other hand it is damaging. If you get into a fight and call your spouse nasty names, of course the breach can be repaired, but it’s just so much better not to do that in the first place.

 

[TotusTuusForever]

Sadly, in a world where people are supposedly more “connected” than ever before, honest communication is still a rarity, mainly because a lot of relationship self-help books and advice pretty much advocate “self-care” over sacrificial love and generosity, and some people take that to extremes and forget how to listen.

This is what I was trying to say but couldn’t find the words for. Thank you!

 

[TotusTuusForever]

It’s not a loaded question. I’m just a deep thinker/ introvert and felt like connecting with other humans to hear their thoughts. Sorry if I’ve given the wrong impression.

 

[Irishmom2]

Haha, I was thinking along the same lines, but couldn’t figure out how to word it.
Marriage is perfect imperfection.

 

[heidi_storage]

Sorry; it’s just that when people ask abstract relationship questions, they usually have a concrete, personal relationship issue in mind. There’s a huge range of “imperfect,” from “pretty awesome most of the time” to “I fear for my life and have contracted an STD from Spouse’s affair partner, who is the one who gets all the money that Spouse hasn’t spent on drugs and gambling.”

 

[Mrchatsworth]

Sure in the hypothetical pretend world where this story takes place he shouldn’t have tried to point out her faults. However, it’s a parable, and I’m wondering why people think these types of anecdotes are clever. Like when the old man at a wedding who asks what the secret to a long marriage is, answered , “just realize you are wrong and she is right all the time.” It gets a chuckle but it is poor advice for a poor marriage. Saying “my fault was choosing to love you” is not clever, funny, or an example.

 

[AdamP88]

Nothing in life is perfect. Marriage requires a constant effort on the part of both spouses. It’s never going to be a “finished product”.
You can get to a stage, I believe, where you are both ok and have found a relatively good balance and way of living with each other with no major issues.

 

[bluerose]

I think that one piece of relationship advice I don’t see for engaged or newly-married couples is “Be polite to your spouse.” That sounds chilly, but it is on the one hand so very easy to lose your patience with someone whose life you share, and on the other hand it is damaging. If you get into a fight and call your spouse nasty names, of course the breach can be repaired, but it’s just so much better not to do that in the first place.

^^^^^^^^^
This. A thousand times!

It blows me away to see couples talk to each other in ways they would never dream of addressing their best friends, total strangers, siblings, parents, the dog, etc. I’ll never forget the look on a friend’s face when he heard my husband thank me for the meal I had prepared and then I thanked my husband for clearing the table and rinsing the dishes. He had NEVER heard couples thank each other for doing things around the house. But we do! And we say “Please” when asking for anything, whether it’s stopping by the store on the way home from work for milk or taking out the trash or asking for a glass of water.

People who would never dream of calling someone out on bad behavior or incorrect information publicly immediately jump on their spouse and shame them publicly without a second thought. My in-laws had friends who would do this whenever they came over for dinner. They would literally, without any lead-in, start a conversation with, “You’re not going to believe what Sandy did to the car this week! I swear she got her driver’s license out of a Cracker Jack box!” or “You’d think after all these year, Jim would learn to put his socks and underwear into the laundry hamper! I suppose his mother wanted me to finish raising him for her!” I mean, this was probably normal conversation for them… but that makes it all the sadder, in my opinion. And it was what prompted my husband and me to promise never to talk about each other like that… for us to discuss the other’s faults and shortcomings in private and RESPECTFULLY.

 

[AdamP88]

I think “never badmouth your spouse in public” is a good rule of thumb. It’s lacking in class to complain about your spouse. Unless it’s something serious like domestic abuse then I think it’s better to keep it to yourself and deal with it respectfully and with discretion.

 

[MamaJewel]

I agree that the relationship advice out there creates unrealistic expectations. People are looking for someone else or some thing to make their lives perfect. Part of me believes this is due to our nihilistic post-modern outlook on life in the 1st world.

In times past, people understood that suffering was part of life and that we aren’t perfect. I’m not saying they were doormats and that some folks didn’t have issues that made others miserable. Rather, there was a maturity, even in youth, that grasped the idea that we had to work toward making life good.

I dunno.
Because there are so many more material resources combined with technological advances, it is easier for individuals to live full, healthy, wealthy lives without the personal involvement of others in their daily lives.

The collective “we” that it took to make survival/ life successful has shifted to spending money on services that have replaced the interactions people once did together. We pay for services instead of looking out for each other. And this has trickled down into marital relationships. Some spouses expect the continuous service of their partner without considering the support that should be be given or shared in return, out of goodness of their heart or for the sake of their marriage.

 

[TotusTuusForever]

Totally agree! My husband and I talk to each other respectfully and I think it’s because we don’t have any role models that we’ve just decided to be our best selves for each other and to actively work on making our marriage holy.

 

[AdamP88]

I think “never badmouth your spouse in public” is a good rule of thumb. It’s lacking in class to complain about your spouse. Unless it’s something serious like domestic abuse then I think it’s better to keep it to yourself and deal with it respectfully and with discretion.

 

[JanR]

That’s the definition of love.

 

[JanR]

Sadly, in a world where people are supposedly more “connected” than ever before, honest communication is still a rarity, mainly because a lot of relationship self-help books and advice pretty much advocate “self-care” over sacrificial love and generosity, and some people take that to extremes and forget how to listen.

Or, they never learn to listen, to begin with.

 

[AdamP88]

Totally agree! My husband and I talk to each other respectfully and I think it’s because we don’t have any role models that we’ve just decided to be our best selves for each other and to actively work on making our marriage holy.

Excellent point about role models. Many Catholics mention bloggers, vloggers, or celebrity faith people, who they hold up as an ideal for marriage, fatherhood, whatever… But just finding your own way to be a husband and father, and to live together as a couple, is so important. Being your true self with your spouse is so important in marriage.