Is it right to read your kid's diary?

[7armyrugrats]

When I was a young girl, I’d keep a diary, on and off. The problem was, my mother was a difficult person to get along with and was quite emotionally abusive (I see now that she had an unhappy childhood, and I forgive her for how she acted, but it has really damaged my ability to understand emotions and love and even feel filial love for her, since it was just easier to turn myself off and harden my heart).

She had no reason to open the diary, but she did. I could never write about anything personal (and it wasn’t anything that would send off an alarm- and absolutely NOTHING that had to do with boyfriends), and I needed to, so badly. But I couldn’t, because she’d find it, even if I hid it, and read it out loud to anybody who was nearby, and mock it.

I have nothing against those who read because they want to protect their child, but this was nothing like that. Even now, I can collect my thoughts better when I write them, but I still won’t keep a diary, because I am afraid that she will read it. Yes, I am still a minor, but I am also a full-time college student, living at home.

I am sorry. This is truly not right. I pray that you are able to find healing and can get help in learning to love. I’m amazed at how insightful you are at such a young age. God bless you sweetie. You are loved and needed in this life

 

[SMHW]

In general parents should grant children appropriate privacy once the child is old enough to desire it. Normal thoughts and feelings are not public truths which children should automatically be required to divulge to others, including parents. Parents can and should begin to give their children the rights and responsibilities that they will get when they reach the age of majority when the child is ready to handle them.

But children do need to know that authentic parental responsibilities trump a child’s budding rights.

In practical terms, a parents’ rights to keep a child safe overrides the child’s “right” to privacy. But good parents don’t override privacy with out a very serious reason.

 

[trinichiqn]

If the only way you can find out what is going on with your child is by read their private diary, whatever is written there is the least of your worries. Instead of snooping try opening lines of communication, instead of destroying trust try building it. If you start young talking to your kids about anything (like ages 1, 2 and 3) they will be less likely to hide things and more likely to come to you. There may still be a private diary because everyone has things they like to keep to themselves.

 

[ATeutonicKnight]

Well, I’m sixteen and I have a journal. I can’t say this from a parental standpoint, but from the child’s standpoint I have to say this is simply sick and a major invasion of privacy, not to mention a major break in a child’s trust in his/her parent. I write things in my journal that I wouldn’t share with my parents simply because it makes me uncomfortable. It’s my journal and I have a right to keep things in there only among myself and friends. If they had a lot of evidence that I may be doing drugs or something, then I think it would be okay. But a lot of the time it is just a parent being paranoid and invading their child’s privacy for no good reason other than they are simply worried.

 

[hurting]

Is it ‘right’? Well, it’s not ‘wrong’. You’re the parent, ultimately you need to take those actions you believe necessary to raise your child and fulfill your responsibilities as a parent. You will not have a do-over.

As others have said, there is a trust issue. I would not be inclined to read their written diary or journal unless I had very specific concerns, and I believed the journal would be relevant to those concerns.

However, they have no privacy rights to anything connected to or that can be connected to the internet. That is a very clear rule in my home. And it is as much to emphasize to them that nothing connected to the internet or txtd is private as it is to check the what/who of their postings, e-mails, txts etc… To clearly underscore that once they enter that domain everything is public info and they need to think of it that way. Because anything they put on sites- (facebook/tumblr) with limited access can still be copied and spread.

Those electronic sites are a double edged sword. As they get older they can be useful in staying connected to friends, keeping up to date on their groups (choir/sports/church), homework collaboration, projects etc. Of course, they need to be educated on and aware of the downsides- strangers trying to contact them etc. For a parent those electronic communications/sites are very useful in maintaining awareness of what your child is up to, their mindset etc.

Agree with the concept that you must do whatever it takes to keep your kids safe, particularly with social media and telecommunications. Unfortunately even most adults do not understand that postings on Facebook and emails and the like are more permanent that Mt. Rushmore.

Preventative safeguards up to and including surreptitious surveillance of minor children’s computer and phone activities are very prudent.

 

[JimG]

Anymore, it seems that Facebook IS your kid’s diary! Make sure you are friended.

 

[EasterJoy]

Anymore, it seems that Facebook IS your kid’s diary! Make sure you are friended.

It is very important to let your child know what can and cannot be expected to be kept private. The internet ain’t it, and they need to know that before they ever open an account. Your future bosses and college admissions committees can get to that stuff, and some routinely do.

Is a paper diary it? Work it out with your child. She ought to have an understanding with you before she starts. If the understanding is that it as private as the confessional, then expect excommunication if you violate that seal for any reason.

 

[Delaine75]

I completely agree, privacy is important, even with children. Unless they give you a legitimate reason for needing to know what’s going on in that diary, let it be.

 

[Cariethra]

I made be odd in this, but I grew up being taught to never write down anything you would be upset by someone seeing. Always assume someone may see it, if even by accident.

With social media, a lot of children have had to learn the hard way. The second you write it down it is no longer private.

 

[JimG]

I made be odd in this, but I grew up being taught to never write down anything you would be upset by someone seeing. Always assume someone may see it, if even by accident.

With social media, a lot of children have had to learn the hard way. The second you write it down it is no longer private.

Yes. I think kids have a right to privacy of their personal diaries. (And parents have a right to the peace of mind that comes from NOT reading the kid’s diary!) It’s the equivalent of their own personal thoughts, and they have a right to their own thoughts. Thank heaven that mom is not a mind reader–it just seems that way!

But as for social media, there is no privacy, ever. And personal information will be used for the profit of others.

 

[EasterJoy]

I made be odd in this, but I grew up being taught to never write down anything you would be upset by someone seeing. Always assume someone may see it, if even by accident.

With social media, a lot of children have had to learn the hard way. The second you write it down it is no longer private.

This is what I do, in practice, but with regards to a paper journal, I think the policy may be too timid. The self-knowledge that can come from journalling can be worth the harm to someone who will, after all, bear the moral burden of prying where they had no business going. Having gone through a cataclysm of emotion that came from such a disclosure, it was awful, but it wasn’t the end of the world. It is not as if buttoning up secrets with no outlet costs us nothing. We ought to care about others, yes, but we can go too far in an effort to protect others from themselves.

I have no criticism for someone whose diary hurts the person who had no business reading it, at any rate, at least not for writing it. The hurt is as often as not to pride and illusion. If there is other harm, it was usually a transgression of action that truly caused the harm, not the writing of the transgression.

Most people in Washington, DC, who have a discrete head agree with you, though. Priests won’t disclose what you say in confession, therapists can’t be forced to report what you said, but diaries can’t plead the 5th Amendment.

 

[lovedance4ever]

I’m not a parent, and so I am not sure how much value my post has lol. But personally, yes I believe a parent has a right to read his child’s diary.

 

[EasterJoy]

I’m not a parent, and so I am not sure how much value my post has lol. But personally, yes I believe a parent has a right to read his child’s diary.

The main thing is that you don’t have expectations that are more restrictive than your parents’. That can really cause some fireworks, and rightly so.

If there is a situation in which a parent is going to feel free to read a diary, then the child ought to know that very clearly, so they can write or not write, according to the level of expectation of privacy that their parents have let them know that the children of the house have. No sneaking looks while pretending to respect privacy.

 

[BettyBoop416]

When I was 12 and my sister was 16, our grandmother gave us diaries for Christmas. My sister was going through a rebellious stage at the time and would spend hours recording her thoughts in that book. (Nothing serious, just normal teen age stuff.) I’ll never, for as long as I live, forget the day she caught my mother reading her diary. The screaming still rings in my ears. My mother thought it was her “parental right” to read it, but my sister considered it an unforgivable breech of trust. For all practical purposes that was the end of their relationship. Even now, 30-some years later, there is no meaningful communication between them. The sad thing is, my mother is a really nice person who would go miles out of her way to help someone. I’m sure she’d give anything to have a close relationship with my sister. Unfortunately, she crossed a line that can’t be uncrossed.

So, in my opinion, unless you have a REAL reason to suspect very serious trouble, don’t even think of going anywhere near your child’s diary.

 

[LightBound]

I’m not a parent, and so I am not sure how much value my post has lol. But personally, yes I believe a parent has a right to read his child’s diary.

Kind of defeats the whole point of having something to record private thoughts in, now doesn’t it?

Of course, I’m not talking about when a parent suspects their child may be in danger or have gotten themselves into a bad situation, but if you mean a parent has a right to go reading their child’s personal thoughts just because they’re the parent, why should a child bother keeping a diary or journal in the first place?

 

[tafan]

I’m not a parent, and so I am not sure how much value my post has lol. But personally, yes I believe a parent has a right to read his child’s diary.

I would only say a parent has this right if there is a legitimate concern over sometype of very bad behavior. For example, if there is a valid suspicion of drugs or alcohol or sex, then yes. But barring that, no way should a parent do so. If a parent is only suspicious of some lesser wrongdoing, I would say certainly not.

 

[EasterJoy]

When I was 12 and my sister was 16, our grandmother gave us diaries for Christmas. My sister was going through a rebellious stage at the time and would spend hours recording her thoughts in that book. (Nothing serious, just normal teen age stuff.) I’ll never, for as long as I live, forget the day she caught my mother reading her diary. The screaming still rings in my ears. My mother thought it was her “parental right” to read it, but my sister considered it an unforgivable breech of trust. For all practical purposes that was the end of their relationship. Even now, 30-some years later, there is no meaningful communication between them. The sad thing is, my mother is a really nice person who would go miles out of her way to help someone. I’m sure she’d give anything to have a close relationship with my sister. Unfortunately, she crossed a line that can’t be uncrossed.

So, in my opinion, unless you have a REAL reason to suspect very serious trouble, don’t even think of going anywhere near your child’s diary.

I’m guessing that what your sister went through was a bit more than “a rebellious stage”. When parent and child cease to have a relationship for over 30 years, it is rarely due to a single transgression, even something so offensive as breaking the sacred seal of a personal journal. Generally speaking, the transgression was a precipitating or crystallizing event, rather than a singular primary cause. It wasn’t simpy the Battle of the Alamo that put the Texas war for indendence from Mexico into motion! We remember that battle because in so many ways it had been a rhetorically effective way for one side to crystallize the nature of the conflict. Would you say that is true in your sister’s case, or are your relatives really that stubborn?

My guess is that your sister may still feel her independence is not “recognized” by your mom.

 

[SecretGarden]

I don’t believe it is ever right for a parent to read their child’s diary. It is an infringement on their privacy. That said, I understand that there are times when parents might get worried, and the diary might be the only way to find out. In that case, I would suggest that parents give the diary to a trusted friend and ask them to go through it and note of any areas that could be concerning. Ask that friend to only share the areas of concern. That way, the child keeps their privacy and the parents minds can be put to rest.

In any case reading the diary should be used with caution and as a last resort. Encouraging the child to speak with them, a family friend or even a counsellor might be the best idea of them all.

 

[EasterJoy]

I don’t believe it is ever right for a parent to read their child’s diary. It is an infringement on their privacy. That said, I understand that there are times when parents might get worried, and the diary might be the only way to find out. In that case, I would suggest that parents give the diary to a trusted friend and ask them to go through it and note of any areas that could be concerning. Ask that friend to only share the areas of concern. That way, the child keeps their privacy and the parents minds can be put to rest.

In any case reading the diary should be used with caution and as a last resort. Encouraging the child to speak with them, a family friend or even a counsellor might be the best idea of them all.

The child is going to be even less thrilled to have the diary given to a 3rd party. If the child couldn’t know there might be circumstances under which the journal would be subject to a parental search warrant, the journal should be sacrosanct. Parents should make their policies very clear from the start, and not go beyond them.

Even pre-teens ought to know, for instance, that parents may not lie about the existence of diaries and that judges can agree to have them seized by prosecutors over the objections of everyone in the family. Even parents can only promise so much.

Kids also ought to know that every keystroke and every website ever visited by any electronic device is subject to the magic of police forensics, no matter what efforts are made to erase the trail. Everything electronic that might be wanted in the future ought to be backed up, but nothing you don’t want “shouted from the rooftops” ought to be committed to electromagnetic storage. You just never know. There is definitely no privacy on the internet!!!

 

[Luna_Lovecraft]

If you feel compelled to read your kid’s diary, you’ve got some pretty serious parent-child, communication, and/or family dynamic problems going on. The only time I would ever read a diary is if I had reason to think the kid was an imminent threat to himself or to someone else.