Is it sinful not to want fiance's parents at Confirmation?

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Hermione

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Hello everyone,

I need your advice on whether it’s sinful not to want my fiance’s parents to be at my Confirmation. The issue isn’t so much the confirmation, but the fact that they live far away and would probably be staying with my family overnight. I don’t like being around people and would be uncomfortable with them in the house. I also suspect that they’ll want to have a family dinner or something else like that, which would just make me feel uncomfortable and out of place.

I appreciate their wanting to come and see me get confirmed and everything, but I’d rather they didn’t for pretty much selfish reasons.

So, do you think it would be a sin to get my fiance to get them not to come?

Thanks!
 
I did not answer the poll… however, your post would give me pause. If you are going to marry this man, are you not going to become part of his family? Most families do visit each other, and sharing meals is part of being a family.

Having future in-laws who want to share in this important spiritual milestone is a blessing.

Turn it around, how would you feel if your fiancee did not want your mom and dad to visit or to share a meal? Or, someday if your child’s intended wanted you to stay away…

Praying for all of you.
 
I don’t know if it’s sinful, but I agree with the above poster. If you are going to marry this man, you will have this situation come up quite often in the future. Maybe if they did come, you could use it as an opportunity to get to know them better and then it wouldn’t feel like an ‘imposition’ when they arrive but a blessed visit. The fact that they are thinking of coming to share in this wonderful event with you is a sign that they are embracing you as family.
 
A lot of people don’t want *overnight * guests. I don’t think that there is anything wrong with telling them to get a room at a local inn. You can spring for it yourself and it might get you on their good side.

Although you should probably reconsider have a short visit for a meal with these people as they are going to be your relatives you know.
 
I didn’t answer the poll either.

I personally would invite them. Perhaps your fiancee can suggest staying at a local hotel - even footing the bill - because you may be “nervous about your big day” or have “cramped living space” or whatever. This way they can come, enjoy the event with you, everyone go out to eat at a restaurant, but still have your privacy at home. It may cost you some money, but may make you feel a bit more comfortable with your future in-laws.
 
I agree with the above. Many parents of converts are not supportive. You should be thrilled that they support his conversion! Just suck it up. You’ll be having to interact with the in-laws throughout your marriage, so nows a better time than ever to get to know them. Why don’t you be the one to suggest the family dinner? I think that would be an excellent gesture!👍
 
Yep, hotel is an excellent compromise - they get to come, but you don’t have see them in their bunny slippers 🙂
 
Thanks everyone! Just a bit of clarification: I’m the one converting and my fiance and his parents have always been Catholic!

I know his parents fairly well, we’ve talked a lot. They’re nice people and I like them, want them to get to Heaven etc. I just don’t like interacting with them (or any other people except my fiance for that matter! I’m very, very, very introverted.)

I guess I’m not too excited about the involvement of other people in my life. The fewer, the less time, the better. The only person I’m interested in spending time with is my fiance, and I imagine our future children.

Is this a sinful attitude, or just introversion?

P.S. This applies to friendships/relationships. I would feel completely different if I were volunteering to help someone with something. I would do the job, help the person, and leave. The thing I don’t like is the relationship/casual talk/activities etc. I feel that it’s completely pointless, intrusive, uncomfortable etc.
 
OK, you asked my opinion so I’m going to go with yes it is sinful. Only because they obviously WANT to share this with you - they are obviously happy for you (and rightfully so - good job by the way) and you are putting your feelings (shy) above their feelings so yes, I think that’s selfish at the very least and quite possibly a sin. Sorry that you don’t like to be around others but the fact that you are getting married means that at times you are going to have to suck it up & deal with his family. Assuming they aren’t a bunch of jerks - have them come (they can stay in a hotel) and try to have a good time. You don’t have to be Miss Life of the Party but you do need to be charitable and nice. That doesn’t sound so difficult now does it???
 
Hermione:

I answered the post, but wrongly…

There are somethings which might be sinful because they are either A) Unnecesarily Selfish (which I believe this to be) or B) Unnecessarily hurtful to another (which a I also believe this to be).
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Hermione:
Hello everyone,

I need your advice on whether it’s sinful not to want my fiance’s parents to be at my Confirmation. The issue isn’t so much the confirmation, but the fact that they live far away and would probably be staying with my family overnight. I don’t like being around people and would be uncomfortable with them in the house. I also suspect that they’ll want to have a family dinner or something else like that, which would just make me feel uncomfortable and out of place.

I appreciate their wanting to come and see me get confirmed and everything, but I’d rather they didn’t for pretty much selfish reasons.

So, do you think it would be a sin to get my fiance to get them not to come?

Thanks!
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I think that kage_ar and Mommy had it right. Put yourself in their shoes for a minute, and think: What if my future Daughter in Law said that she didn’t want us to visit her?

I see that in later a later post you said these were nice people, so it’s not like you’re dealing with horrible people who are going to belittle you or steal the silver. Right?

In that case, consider this to be a growing experience that God has chosen to give you. NO marraige can possibly survive is the only love and companionship you have is that of your spouse.

What’s going to happen when he needs to go to the weekly K of C meetings? or, Travel for Work? if you can’t deal with other peole vbesides him, you’ll be berefit!

Use this as a chance to grow, and please, try to have a good time. The Lord hates it when we insist on doing the things he lays out for us with a gloom expression.

Blessings and Peace, Michael
 
Hermione:

The Angels in heaven are having a gigantic party - That’s what Our Lord meant when he said, “There’s more rejoicing in the conversion of ONE SINNER than in 99 righteouds who do not sin.”

I have a hearing defect (one side is DEAF, the other side 20 Db down), so med-large groups produce an indecipherable wall of sound for me. I just can’t tell what people are saying or where they’re saying it!

So, I’ve learned to talk in SMALLER Groups and to make sure that as many as possible can be brought onto my hearing side.
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Hermione:
Thanks everyone! Just a bit of clarification: I’m the one converting and my fiance and his parents have always been Catholic!

I know his parents fairly well, we’ve talked a lot. They’re nice people and I like them, want them to get to Heaven etc. I just don’t like interacting with them (or any other people except my fiance for that matter! I’m very, very, very introverted.)

I guess I’m not too excited about the involvement of other people in my life. The fewer, the less time, the better. The only person I’m interested in spending time with is my fiance, and I imagine our future children.

Is this a sinful attitude, or just introversion?

P.S. This applies to friendships/relationships. I would feel completely different if I were volunteering to help someone with something. I would do the job, help the person, and leave. The thing I don’t like is the relationship/casual talk/activities etc. I feel that it’s completely pointless, intrusive, uncomfortable etc.
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Doing this, I’ve become aquained with some quite fascinating people:

…the Primate of the TAC and to two of the Bishops under him on different occasions.

…gentleman who received Germany’s Declaration of War on the US on december 8, 1941.

…a Luftwaffe Knight’s Cross holder from WW II and a genuine War Criminal…

…the past owner of Gold’s and World’s Gyms and visited him at his house.

…Wolfgang Puck and other Hollywood notables whose names I’ve forgotten!

…the writer of a textbook used in one of my classes and took classes from another whose research I read.

…Fr. Joseph Fesio, the former President of Ignatius Books, Fr. Michael Manning, former Provincial Western USA Societe Verbnum Divinis.

…And, that’s not even the half of it!

On top of that, I knew one of the few professors to be blacklisted by the HUAC (This one was a Card Carrying Communist at one time).

You’ll be surprised at whom you’ll meet and the insights the’ll give you if you’ll listen and try to ask questions.

I don’t think you have any idea of what you’re missing with you present attitude. Read that list above. Add in a few people that you’d die to meet, and ask yourself if you’d ever meet them with your present attitude…

Blessings and Peace, Michael
 
Hermione,

I doubt it’s sinful, but, you know, (Pardon me if I’m butting in…) I think you need some talk therapy about extreme introversion.

This:
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Hermione:
I just don’t like interacting with them (or any other people except my fiance for that matter! I’m very, very, very introverted.)
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is quite frankly scary to me, and it should be to you too.

Forgive me if this is painful, or you’re already dealing with it.

Happy and Blessed Confirmation!

John
 
It’s possible that it’s sinful. Could be in violation of the fourth commandment, which not only means your parents, but will include your inlaws and also includes anyone with authority over you.

In my life, I have found that if I think it might be a sin, I avoid it.

Congratulations and welcome to the true church.
 
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Hermione:
Hello everyone,

I. The issue isn’t so much the confirmation, but the fact that they live far away and would probably be staying with my family overnight. I don’t like being around people and would be uncomfortable with them in the house. I also suspect that they’ll want to have a family dinner or something else like that, which would just make me feel uncomfortable and out of place.
!
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If you have problems being around your fiance’s family now, what is it going to be like when you get married? you had better deal with this answer fast, because in case nobody told you, you don’t just marry a person, you become part of a new family. You better figure out your relationship and deal with your issues now or you are in for a rocky road of it down the line.
 
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Hermione:
Thanks everyone! Just a bit of clarification: I’m the one converting andI know his parents fairly well, we’ve talked a lot. They’re nice people and I like them, want them to get to Heaven etc. I just don’t like interacting with them (or any other people except my fiance for that matter! I’m very, very, very introverted.)

I guess I’m not too excited about the involvement of other people in my life. The fewer, the less time, the better. The only person I’m interested in spending time with is my fiance, and I imagine our future children.

Is this a sinful attitude, or just introversion?
QUOTE]
not sinful, but possible a situation that would benefit greatly from counselling before marriage. It sounds like you may be setting yourself up for a situation where you require your husband and possibly children to fulfil all your emotional needs, and that would be very unhealthy. If your aversion to other people is extreme, this is going to cause problems in a lot of ways. Also if you expect your fiance to cut people out of his life, or your joint life, because being around them gets you out of the comfort zone, well, it sounds pretty selfish.
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I think you need to think seriously about why you are anti-relationship with anyone other than your fiance. This just isn’t normal! You seem like a great girl, I really enjoy reading your posts on this forum, and I think you have a lot to add to people’s lives- virtually and in real life. But especially in real life!

As a clarification, introversion simply means that a person gets “charged up” by spending time alone. Conversely, an extrovert gets “charged up” by spending time with other people. However, introverts need to spend time with other people and extroverts need to find time to be alone. Perhaps you get your engergy by spending time alone but this is no excuse for avoiding relationships with other people. I can tell you from personal experience that the MOST important lessons in life I have ever learned have been through relationships! The fact that you pour all of your energy into just one relationship sends up big red flags in my mind. Please consider carefully why you are doing this and seek counseling if you think that will help. Having other relationships will make you a better rounded person AND make you a better (and more interesting!) future wife.

All the best to you!
 
John Higgins:
Hermione,

I doubt it’s sinful, but, you know, (Pardon me if I’m butting in…) I think you need some talk therapy about extreme introversion.

This:

is quite frankly scary to me, and it should be to you too.

Forgive me if this is painful, or you’re already dealing with it.

Happy and Blessed Confirmation!

John
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Out of charity and concern I second this advice. At the very least you risk inflicting an endless string of perceived slights, offenses and hurt feelings on those who misunderstand the limits of your social skills. At worst–you are depriving yourself of one of the greatest gifts of life–interaction with family and friends.

What in the world do you plan to do if you ever have kids? Isolate them from the world too? How about your spouse? Isn’t he entitled to a social life in the company of his spouse? This weakness is not something your can indulge or ignore, and you owe your husband and future family every effort to mitigate its effects on them. As for the confirmation–make it step one and welcome them and their support. If it would be more manageable to have them stay elsewhere, that is certainly your prerogative.
 
lots of good advice has been givem, so i guess all i can add is that we’ll be praying for you:)
 
Thanks everyone. 🙂 It seems like your prayers have worked because I’ve decided to put my own desires aside and do the thing that’ll make my fiance’s parents feel involved.

I was surprised to see that one person included in-laws in the 4th commandment. Is this really true? I thought obedience was no longer owed to parents after children become independent. In-laws aren’t even parents! Am I really wrong here?

As for introversion, is there really anything wrong with it? When I was younger I had a large group of friends, and I found that a lot of the time I found myself making excuses to avoid group outings, parties, phone calls etc. I was so relieved when I finally stopped being friends with all of them! My fiance is truly the only person on this planet whose company I prefer to solitude. When it comes to everyone else, solitude wins by billions of times!

Thankfully, my fiance is an introvert as well (although perhaps less introverted than I am), and to the best of my knowledge he would be happy if he and I moved to Alaska and never saw anyone else again. (But of course we realize that we have duties to our families, society, our children etc. so we’re not going to do that anytime soon!!!)

As for becoming a part of a family through marriage, I realize that. But since this will probably be limited to holiday visits and assistance needed by parents in their old age, I think I’ll manage!
 
Well, let me offer you a word of sympathy!
I too am an extreme introvert, and although I get on well with everyone I deal with, I like to be alone best of all. I’m not married, and have no kids, incidentally.
I doubt anyone would find me abnormal, as I’ve learned to come out of my shell to the point where I am comfortable with any stranger or group, and can initiate and sustain a conversation with anyone, but I too would feel uncomfortable about my in-laws staying over. To be honest, I get mildly claustrophobic when almost anyone stays with me in my admittedly very small flat!
You no doubt suffer a bit from a social phobia, but that is in no way a sin, IMHO.
However, I agree with the others who have posted - you will have to overcome your discomfort sooner or later, and you can do this without a counsellor (though this might help). You needn’t have them to stay, but you must invite them around, preferably for a meal. You just have to “bite the bullet”, and believe me, by doing so, you will get though it OK and be more comfortable next time! You must make the effort and it will get easier and easier. You’ll have heard the saying “Do the thing you fear, and the death of fear is certain”.
But, believe me, I do understand how painful it is!🙂
 
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