Is it sinful not to want fiance's parents at Confirmation?

[Steph700]

Hermione:

As for introversion, is there really anything wrong with it? When I was younger I had a large group of friends, and I found that a lot of the time I found myself making excuses to avoid group outings, parties, phone calls etc. I was so relieved when I finally stopped being friends with all of them! My fiance is truly the only person on this planet whose company I prefer to solitude. When it comes to everyone else, solitude wins by billions of times!

there’s nothing wrong with introversion. But what you have discribed is not merely introversion- it’s unhealthy, it’s like seclusion! Christ has called us into community and believers, and He’s also called us to be in the world (but not of it!)… how in the world are you going to use the gifts God has given you as a member of the Body if you are off by yourself all the time.

Hermione, one question you (and a counselor) need to address is why didyou change from having a large social circle to avoiding parties, phone calls, outings etc? What was going on in your life at the point externally, what was going on internally.

This is not normal!!

Hermione:

Thankfully, my fiance is an introvert as well (although perhaps less introverted than I am), and to the best of my knowledge he would be happy if he and I moved to Alaska and never saw anyone else again. (But of course we realize that we have duties to our families, society, our children etc. so we’re not going to do that anytime soon!!!)

Woah, scary. This does not sound like a healthy relationship. We all need relationships OUTSIDE of our significant others. How soon are you getting married?? B/C to be honest, relationally there are loads of things the 2 of you need to work on before you walk down that aisle. PLEASE see a counselor.

 

[Island_Oak]

Hermione:

As for introversion, is there really anything wrong with it?

You clearly possess the gifts of intelligence, compassion, love of God and faithfulness. As you approach your confirmation you should recognize your duty to be out in the world to sharing them. This is not merely my opinion, but a directive from our Lord:

From Matthew 5:
11 12 "You are the salt of the earth. But if salt loses its taste, with what can it be seasoned? It is no longer good for anything but to be thrown out and trampled underfoot. 14 You are the light of the world. A city set on a mountain cannot be hidden. 15 Nor do they light a lamp and then put it under a bushel basket; it is set on a lampstand, where it gives light to all in the house. 16 Just so, your light must shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your heavenly Father. 17

 

[Hermione]

Steph700:

there’s nothing wrong with introversion. But what you have discribed is not merely introversion- it’s unhealthy, it’s like seclusion! Christ has called us into community and believers, and He’s also called us to be in the world (but not of it!)… how in the world are you going to use the gifts God has given you as a member of the Body if you are off by yourself all the time.

I think I have been misunderstood. I do not plan to live as a hermit (although, if I’m not mistaken, saints have lived this way). I plan to graduate from college, possibly go to graduate school, and use my education to contribute to society by homeschooling my future children, writing, and maybe teaching outside of the home!

I also intend to volunteer my time to serve those who need it most.

The thing I do NOT intend to do is have casual relationships with people. I would not be using my talents or serving God’s creation by having friends who would constantly want to go out, or call to talk to me, or do a number of other pointless things. I see this as a waste of time that could be better spent developing the relationship my fiance and I have, teaching the children we will have, or studying and doing some other productive thing.

Hermione, one question you (and a counselor) need to address is why didyou change from having a large social circle to avoiding parties, phone calls, outings etc? What was going on in your life at the point externally, what was going on internally.

The thing that changed was that I stopped caring what other people thought of me. When I was young I felt tremendous pressure to fit in, to have a group of friends etc. For this reason I did things I never wanted to do. (Even when I was 12 and 13 I remember making excuses to my friends so that I could go for a solitary walk at lunch rather than sit with them!) Then around the age of 15 or so, I stopped caring what people thought about me and stopped subjecting myself to pointless activities that I did not enjoy.

Woah, scary. This does not sound like a healthy relationship. We all need relationships OUTSIDE of our significant others. How soon are you getting married?? B/C to be honest, relationally there are loads of things the 2 of you need to work on before you walk down that aisle. PLEASE see a counselor.

Were getting married right after we graduate from college, which will happen in approximately 4 years!

I don’t see the point of having relationships other than the one my fiance and I have. (Although this will definitely change once we have children!) The way I see it, it only takes away valuable time that my fiance and I could be spending together, spending with our future children, and spending developing our talents and using them to serve society.

I have always found that having many relationships will mean most of them will be shallow. My fiance and I are extremely close, we love being together, and if it were up to us we would not spend a minute of our lives apart! (Okay, exaggerating, I don’t need him holding my hand when I’m in the bathroom. ) We realize that we have a duty to our families, and plan to see them on holidays and other such things. We plan to serve the Church together, volunteer together etc.

Why be apart when we can be together? A married couple is meant to become ONE FLESH.

 

[kage_ar]

Hermonie –

At the risk of moving farther off your original topic, let me say a few more words. You do seem a sincere and devout young woman, which is a noble thing. If you were my daughter, my advice would be to allow yourself to have friends, open your heart.

Jesus had friends when He walked the earth; in fact, we heard how He cried at the grave of His friend in last Sunday’s Gospel. John was known as “the beloved disciple”, we could see that there was a special friendship there. Jesus had Mary and Martha and Mary Magdalene as friends as well.

The Bible tells us many stories of friendship; we know that friends are a blessing from above. God created us to be social creatures, we form families and communities – God knows that we need each other; He designed us to need one another. Of course, He designed marriage – but did He say that we were to not have friends?

Your husband should be your best friend, not your only friend. Friends laugh together and cry together. You and your fiancée are young, and you live at home, and you are all the other wants for companionship. Someday, you will need friends – who will you trust to be the Godparents for those children you plan? My best friend and I are Godparents to each other’s children - when we get together with friends for a good dinner and hours of talking and sharing, those are fellowship and love. When bad things happen, your friends are there for you. When I had major surgery and could not walk or care for myself (or our son) for many months, my husband had to go to work – and our friends took care of things when he could not be there.

True, there are some who put friends above spouse and children, and that is a sad thing.

May I suggest C.S. Lewis “The Four Loves”? It is a spiritual look at love and friendship.

Again, welcome home to the Church. May you find warmth and friendship within her arms.

 

[gelsbern]

Hermione:

I was surprised to see that one person included in-laws in the 4th commandment. Is this really true? I thought obedience was no longer owed to parents after children become independent. In-laws aren’t even parents! Am I really wrong here?

From vatican.va/archive/catechism/p3s2c2a4.htm

Emphasis below is mine.

2199 The fourth commandment is addressed expressly to children in their relationship to their father and mother, because this relationship is the most universal. It likewise concerns the ties of kinship between members of the extended family. It requires honor, affection, and gratitude toward elders and ancestors. Finally, it extends to the duties of pupils to teachers, employees to employers, subordinates to leaders, citizens to their country, and to those who administer or govern it.

This commandment includes and presupposes the duties of parents, instructors, teachers, leaders, magistrates, those who govern, all who exercise authority over others or over a community of persons.

I will keep praying for you and again congratulations and welcome.

 

[Alterum]

Steph700:

Woah, scary. This does not sound like a healthy relationship. We all need relationships OUTSIDE of our significant others. How soon are you getting married?? B/C to be honest, relationally there are loads of things the 2 of you need to work on before you walk down that aisle. PLEASE see a counselor.

I think I should clarify a number of things. Hermione and I have discussed our feelings, hopes, and lifestyles extensively. We’ve also prayerfully discussed our plans. We’re going to go to college; afterwards we’ll get married and get jobs and raise a family. Everyone who knows about our relationship thinks it’s wonderful - and we do as well http://forum.catholic.com/images/smilies/smile.gif

Hermione wanted to know if a particular attitude was sinful. She’s very introverted and I’m fairly introverted as well, and she often feels uncomfortable engaging in “small talk” with other people. She doesn’t like casual relationships and all the social obligations attached to them. I have many friends, although she laughed when we discussed this because my friendships are very different from the ones she’s used to. Outside of school (and studying and sports-related activities), I get together with my friends occasionally, but I don’t like just “hanging out,” and God forbid they call me on the phone to “chit-chat”! We’re always engaged in some sort of activity when we’re together, and the times they decide to “just go to the mall,” I tell them I have other things to do. Hermione and I have virtually identical personalities. We don’t enjoy a lot of the things that other people enjoy, and we’re not as social as most people. Those are just our personalities.

With regard to Alaska, Hermione and I have fantasized about what life would be like hunting and fishing and “living off the land” away from civilization. The idea is adventurous and fun and we enjoy discussing it! However, our first priority in life is to serve God, not just to have fun. That’s what we really want to do, and that’s what we want to work towards every day. A secluded life in Alaska isn’t what either of us thinks God wants; however, if I thought that God would approve of it, I would go to Alaska in a heartbeat http://forum.catholic.com/images/smilies/biggrin.gif

Nor would I be hurt if Hermione wasn’t social. I want her to be happy. I know she doesn’t like social situations. I would rather she be where she is comfortable! That’s not to say that she’s unwilling to spend time with me and my friends; it means that she would rather not. She does get along wonderfully with my brother and parents, for example, and we all have a lot of fun together, although she would rather not spend time with them because she feels uncomfortable.

I appreciate all the comments and suggestions offered, and I read and value everything that is said about our relationship.

 

[Hermione]

Thanks everyone for your responses

Since I was wrong and since in-laws are included under the 4th Commandment, I’ll adjust my attitude concerning them!

Even though I don’t agree with a lot of what many of you said, you did make some good points, and I’ll work on being more charitable toward other people, and especially toward my fiance should he have the desire to be in social situations with me.

And I will need good Catholics to stand as Godparents for my future children! (Although I just looked at my fiance and told him that he can go out and meet some good Catholic people for this purpose ) Who knows, maybe I will even have a friend or two in the future.

Thanks again everyone!