Is it sinful to deliberately not attend one's parent's funeral?

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A friend’s (will call him john for this thread) mother died a few days ago. There will be a catholic funeral for his mom. John is a lapsed catholic and is estranged from his siblings. John has stated that he will not attend the funeral for fear of renewing old wounds with family. The funeral will be held in another State where he has not visited family in 10 years. John did get along with his mom, who has provided financial support during the past decade. Is it sinful for John not to attend?
 
It is sad, that instead of seeing his mother’s funeral as an opportunity to reconcile with his family, by his absence, your friend will assure that the hurts in himself and in his family, grow deeper.
To not be there at his mothers’ funeral sends a seemingly heartless message to his siblings and family…however God knows everything concerned.

If he fears being present perhaps he could send condolences to the family, whom his mother loved, as indeed she loved him? This could give him some relief, that he did a kind thing whether appreciated or not, an act that might honor his mother…as a mother wishes compassion, unity and love in her family

It is never good to put fear before love, and this appears, at least, to be what your friend is doing. Love is what is required of us. But I will not say whether or not it is sin. That is between God and your friend and not for me to judge. Even if I knew the circumstances of his alienation from his family, (which I don’t) it’s still not my place to judge.

May God bless and comfort your friend, and may God bless and comfort his family,
and may God have mercy on his mother’s soul.
 
blaskoman said:
A friend’s (will call him john for this thread) mother died a few days ago. There will be a catholic funeral for his mom. John is a lapsed catholic and is estranged from his siblings. John has stated that he will not attend the funeral for fear of renewing old wounds with family. The funeral will be held in another State where he has not visited family in 10 years. John did get along with his mom, who has provided financial support during the past decade. Is it sinful for John not to attend?
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If John is lapsed, does he care about sin? Or do you care about his soul more than he himself cares? Just wondering…🤷 I was a lapsed Catholic and when I was, sin wasn’t a word I used.

Maybe the Holy Spirit is calling John to return…and he is trying to ignore that call. It wouldn’t be the first time that a prodigal came home when his parent passed away…

Prayers for John and his family, and his mother of course.
 
If his mother provided financial support for him, it seems very disrespectful, but i am not qualified to say whether it is sinful.
I will say that had my sisters decided to have a funeral for my mother, I would not have attended for the same fears that you mentioned. I took care of my mother for many years and begged them for help, which they refused. In the last two years of her life I was unable to continue caring for her because of my own health, mental, and family issues. She could not accept this reduced interaction and reponded with threats and hostility so my husband insisted that we discontinue all contact. They did a few things for her, but resented me for a variety of reasons, so my attendance at such a funeral would be unproductive and stressful.
By the way, not all mothers want love and unity in their families. Our mother was a selfish, hypochondriacal adulteress who destroyed her family and loved to play her daughters and long-suffering ex-husband one against the other so that she was always center stage. Perhaps your friend has a similar background, perhaps he is just a selfish oaf. You are in a better position to judge, but certainly the situation itself is not objectively sinful.
 
I felt that John would be sinning in this situation since he’s not abiding to his duty to honor one’s mother/father-- one of the 10 Commandments. I do not want to judge him but feel that his non-attendance is wrong on many levels
 
One does not have to like their parent/s however; we are bound to the Ten Commandments, one of which is to Honor them.
 
Eleanor61 said:
By the way, not all mothers want love and unity in their families. Our mother was a selfish, hypochondriacal adulteress who destroyed her family and loved to play her daughters and long-suffering ex-husband one against the other so that she was always center stage…
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I have a similar mother. A rabbi told me once you can respect/honor parents by choosing to care for yourself and your family in these situations.

I don’t know about the OP’s friends situation, but I’m sure this isn’t an easy decision for him at any rate. It’s got me thinking what I would do when my own mother passes. Now, my grandmother, who raised me, when she passes I’ll be devastated and want to go. However, family members have made it clear I will not be welcome.

Praying that the best possible outcome occurs in this situation.
 
There’s way more to this situation than just bad blood I’m guessing. One typically dosn’t go through the pain of aleinating their family over nothing.

If he dosn’t feel loved, wanted or safe it may be a good idea to stay away. Does he have emotinal support for going to the funeral? If he indicates to you that he does want to go why don’t you offer to go with him? Nothing is harder than thinking you have to do something alone.
 
of course it is not a sin to not attend a funeral of anyone let alone a parent.
is there some personal issue here or someone who has disturbed you by such an unwarranted suggestion? Whether it is prudent, charitable, in the individual’s best interest, contributing to his own peace of mind, healing and well-being are other issues best answered by the individual himself with guidance from those who know him well and love him.
blaskoman said:
Ihis non-attendance is wrong on many levels
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wrong on many levels for many reasons still does not make it a sin. Would great good possibly be served by his attending? yes. Does that make it a sin not to attend? No. If John is a lapsed Catholic why is he even asking?

why do I get the vibe from OP that poor John will be damned by the rest of his family members no matter what he does? maybe he is dreading the inevitable confrontation, accusations and resurrection of old hurts that he anticipates if he does attend.
 
blaskoman said:
A friend’s (will call him john for this thread) mother died a few days ago. There will be a catholic funeral for his mom. John is a lapsed catholic and is estranged from his siblings. John has stated that he will not attend the funeral for fear of renewing old wounds with family. The funeral will be held in another State where he has not visited family in 10 years. John did get along with his mom, who has provided financial support during the past decade. Is it sinful for John not to attend?
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It is sad that hate can lead you so low.
Washington, not the President, said: “I would not fall so low as to hate somebody”.
Now, his own mother…
 
It’s not sinful, but it’s repulsive. With very few exceptions that this person probably isn’t one of, he’ll beat himself up forever if he doesn’t go.
 
puzzleannie said:
of course it is not a sin to not attend a funeral of anyone let alone a parent.
is there some personal issue here or someone who has disturbed you by such an unwarranted suggestion? Whether it is prudent, charitable, in the individual’s best interest, contributing to his own peace of mind, healing and well-being are other issues best answered by the individual himself with guidance from those who know him well and love him.

wrong on many levels for many reasons still does not make it a sin. Would great good possibly be served by his attending? yes. Does that make it a sin not to attend? No. If John is a lapsed Catholic why is he even asking?

why do I get the vibe from OP that poor John will be damned by the rest of his family members no matter what he does? maybe he is dreading the inevitable confrontation, accusations and resurrection of old hurts that he anticipates if he does attend.
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I agree…nothing brings the best out of people like grief and blame…
 
blaskoman said:
A friend’s (will call him john for this thread) mother died a few days ago. There will be a catholic funeral for his mom…John has stated that he will not attend the funeral for fear of renewing old wounds with family. … John did get along with his mom, who has provided financial support during the past decade. Is it sinful for John not to attend?
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No.

And a wise, compassionate friend will respect his decision.

Luna
 
Does he want to go? It would be sad if he wanted to and refused based on who was going to be in attendance. Maybe he could come in a little late, sit in the back, and leave a little early, making sure he wasn’t noticed. He can never go back and do it again.
 
Rascalking said:
It’s not sinful, but it’s repulsive. With very few exceptions that this person probably isn’t one of, he’ll beat himself up forever if he doesn’t go.
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I agree. There is such a thing as duty.

Life is not easy and sometimes we have to do things that we don’t want to do because it’s the right thing to do.
 
Sad, yes. Sinful, no. We don’t know what happened between John and the rest of the family or why he is estranged. Like Samson01 said, he’s probably damned if he goes and damned if he doesn’t. A friend of mine has a sister who has been estranged from the family, and when their mother passed, she did come to the funeral, but she arrived late, kept to herself, and left early (and that’s what I think I’d do if I were in this situation). Of course some people criticized her for this, but if she had attempted to reconnect with the rest of the family, there would surely have been a scene between her and the people involved in the situation which led to her estrangement in the first place. Some people just can’t drop a grudge, and sometimes the most loving and respectful thing a person can do is to keep their distance.
 
Not going to the funeral does not make the person break the Honor commandment. There are many other ways he can honor his mother. He can pray for her. He can have a Mass said for her. He can make a charitable contribution in her name. She is dead now, his presence or lack of really isn’t going to make much difference to her.
 
I don’t see how it would be sinful not to attend it. Jesus said:[BIBLEDRB]Luke 9:60[/BIBLEDRB]Plus, the parents have already been honored with a funeral.
 
Arlene said:
Not going to the funeral does not make the person break the Honor commandment. There are many other ways he can honor his mother. He can pray for her. He can have a Mass said for her. He can make a charitable contribution in her name. She is dead now, his presence or lack of really isn’t going to make much difference to her.
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I agree totally. My husband has had problems with his family and they told him that they do not consider him part of the family any more. They told him that he would not be welcomed at the funeral of his aunt and uncle who he loves very much, but I know my dh. He would honor them by offering prayers and Masses for them. He is also having problems with his mother who started this whole mess with the rest of the family. He stays in contact with her only because he feels he has to honor the Commandment of God. His conversations with her on the phone are generic. So I think he would show up at her funeral, but if the other members of his family are there, it would get awlkard. It is sad things are like this, but I would not show up at his mother’s funeral, but I would pray for her and offer Masses for her. I have my reasons for doing this as well. So I think it is not sinful and it all depends on each person’s situation.
 
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