Is it sinful/uncharitable to tell someone they are prideful?

[yahwehsdaughter]

I started to talking to this guy a few days ago, and told him I didn’t want to talk to him in private because I think it’s immodest. He started being kind of passive-aggressive and shady, and assured me he wasn’t trying to change my mind, but that it’s a shame I don’t trust myself around men, and that I must be “unchaste”, then started going on about his great virtues of how he hadn’t masturbated since January because he has self-control, and he could be in numerable situations with women(which he described in too much detail) and wouldn’t be tempted in the slightest. He went on that he doesn’t see women as objects, “unlike [myself] with men” and isn’t bigoted and discriminatory to not talk to women in private. He also told me that if anything were to happen between us while we were alone, it would be because 1.) I allowed it to happen, or 2.) I initiated it.

I consented to have a private conversation with him, mostly out of guilt and dislike of being called “prudish” and a “bigot”. Things turned inappropriate after sometime, but not that it led to sin, but it was walking a fine line. He talked down to me for not praying my rosary enough, told me that I should feel unworthy to kiss Jesus on the face (His images), and that attending mass when I don’t feel like it makes me less holy because I didn’t want to go and defeated the whole purpose. He was low-key praising himself for how humble he was in bowing his head every time he heard the name “Jesus”, and basically told me I am less holy because I get excited at seeing Jesus held up in the eucharist and thinking He is cute/adorable. He made me feel sinful for looking at Jesus and for kissing His images, and for missing a few days of my rosary due to spiritual dryness and depression. He didn’t go to mass today, but I did. I admitted that I had a rough and stressful morning and I didn’t really want to go, but I did anyway; and he talked to me like I was deplorable human being who committed the most disgusting sin imaginable. He told me that I might as well have not even gone.

I feel like he is prideful and has a superiority complex. He makes me feel like crap about myself, and I have been wanting to cry the past hour thinking about his words. I feel like telling him he is prideful, but I can’t prove he is. I just feel like he looks down on me and “humble brags” at times. Is it a sin to tell someone they are prideful? I don’t know his heart to say that he is, and feel like I might be prideful or uncharitable if I were to say anything about his behavior and attitude.

 

[Polak]

Sounds like deep down he is quite insecure.

 

[Bithynian]

insecure

Insecure, immature, infantile, toxic. @yahwehsdaughter, flee for the hills.

 

[Guest1]

Why don’t you cut him out from your life?
If you’re looking for a future spouse wouldn’t you rather have someone who would build you up and not put you down?

The same goes for friendship.

 

[CaptainPrudeman]

Get. Away. Now. Oh my red flags.

He didn’t go to mass today, but I did. I admitted that I had a rough and stressful morning and I didn’t really want to go, but I did anyway

You want to know what true holiness is? This. You love God and try to be better even when it’s hard. You’re doing well, and I hope this person doesn’t dissuade you on your faith journey. Pray for him, but cut contact. He sounds incredibly toxic.

 

[Lou2U]

He sounds utterly grim, and actually very nasty too. Don’t give him a second more of your headspace; just block him. Personally I wouldn’t reply to him again, not even to tell him that he’s prideful or that you’re blocking him. Don’t give him any more ammunition to manipulate you with.

@yahwehsdaughter, remember the boundaries you’ve set yourself. If you say you don’t want to talk in private and someone is passive-aggressive or massively oversteps the line by telling you incredibly personal information, then that person is not a good person. Remember your boundaries and stick to them. If anyone tries to push them, what will you do?

Block, block, block.

 

[yahwehsdaughter]

You want to know what true holiness is? This. You love God and try to be better even when it’s hard.

Thank you, I felt so terrible about myself until I read this. I will cut contact with him. I don’t know why he is so mean to me. It’s like he just wants to make me feel bad about everything since we first started talking.

 

[Irishmom2]

He sounds like a “donkey.”

Why would you listen to that much of his crazy talk? I don’t understand what you felt guilty about that lead you to talk to him, nor do I understand why you care whether other people think you are prudish.Not sure how bigot fits into your conversation with him either.

He is bad news. Block and move on.

 

[yahwehsdaughter]

Remember your boundaries and stick to them.

Thank you. I will do this. I will block him now.

 

[yahwehsdaughter]

You’re right. I will be charitable and pray

 

[yahwehsdaughter]

I don’t understand what you felt guilty about that lead you to talk to him, nor do I understand why you care whether other people think you are prudish.

My own insecurities, I guess. I have issues too.

 

[Irishmom2]

Well, maybe you could get some counseling so that you can work on being stronger and confident.

 

[Lou2U]

I will cut contact with him.

I’m so glad to hear this.

I hope you don’t mind me posting again, but I was re-reading your post and what really stuck out to me in all this is the time scale. You went from not wanting to message privately to inappropriate talk that was walking the line within a few days. Just a few days.

I’m not outlining this to be mean or to hurt you at all. I just want to say again, how much your boundaries matter and how much you need to believe in your boundaries. Don’t let them fall the second someone pushes them; they’re there for a good reason. If someone pushes, that’s when you walk away.

I don’t know why he is so mean to me. It’s like he just wants to make me feel bad about everything since we first started talking.

There’s a very famous quote from The Perks of Being a Wallflower - “we accept the love we think we deserve”.

You deserve so much better.

 

[yahwehsdaughter]

I’m working on it

 

[Irishmom2]

Good! You are going in the right direction then!

 

[NevermoreLenore]

This is just my opinion, but I think one who perseveres through dryness and continues to seek God is so much more spiritual and pleasing to Him than someone who berates another Christian for setting boundaries for herself to maintain her holiness. Honestly this boy sounds like a nightmare and I have known and (very briefly!) dated these types. A real and Godly man will respect your boundaries to maintain purity, full stop. How nice for this guy that he can not self pleasure or cross a physical line with a woman…for now…as pride cometh before a fall. Humility and being humble, kind gentle, etc are the qualities of a Godly man. Godly men don’t tell you how great is their spirituality–they exude and radiate Christ in their lives. Like everyone else has said: RUN.

I want to encourage you to maintain your boundaries, even when others mock them. I’ve been very happily married to my husband of twenty years and I still maintain similar boundaries–not being alone with other men or developing close friendships, and my husband is the same with women. It is far better never to step in the shadow of temptation than it is to try to reel in emotional attachment or physical intimacy once the line has been cast.

Take heart, sweetheart! You seem to be on the right track, just don’t be afraid to cease contact with anyone who doesn’t respect you. You do not owe anyone an explanation for why you don’t want contact.

 

[yahwehsdaughter]

I hope you don’t mind me posting again,

Not at all

You went from not wanting to message privately to inappropriate talk that was walking the line within a few days. Just a few days.

Yes, it was my mistake. A friend suggested that I talk to him because I “need to heal my relationship with men”. I didn’t feel that I needed to heal from anything, but I thought, maybe she is right and my boundaries are unhealthy. She also told me to “be open to love”. I don’t want to marry. I want to be a nun. She knows that, but sometimes I think she assumes I only want that out of trauma and fear of men, and that I am not properly discerning my vocation.

The guy I was talking to suggested that my boundaries were unhealthy too, so I thought maybe they were. He said lots of tempting things when we were alone, and I told him I felt really upset about it because I didn’t want there to be any inappropriate talk between us. He said that we are healthy and mature and it wasn’t inappropriate, and that I am just weak and need to be stronger… I felt like a lot of the conversation was kind of tempting, but he just teased me about it, and told me that I was unchaste and objectified men, and that because he is holy, he wouldn’t let me cause him to sin. So I started thinking maybe I am unchaste and “can’t handle myself around men” as he said, so I wanted to have more fortitude in the conversation and not think to much about some of the inappropriate things he was saying to let it tempt me. I wanted to have more willpower.

I should have trusted my own judgment more, and not have cared anyone thought my standards were too strict.

“we accept the love we think we deserve”.

You deserve so much better.

Thank you, sir.

 

[NevermoreLenore]

maybe I am unchaste and “can’t handle myself around men” as he said, so I wanted to have more fortitude in the conversation and not think to much about some of the inappropriate things he was saying to let it tempt me. I wanted to have more willpower.

Nope nope nope. This guy telling you that you are unchaste because…you didn’t want to discuss unchaste things?! Pot, kettle, black…

 

[yahwehsdaughter]

Thank you so much for your advice and kind words. Just all of it.

Bless you, sister, and your marriage

 

[umamibella]

how he hadn’t masturbated since January because he has self-control,

Any man revealing sexual information to you and talking about this is a red flag to me. I would expect it in a couple preparing for marriage but not from a private conversation presumably online.

told him I didn’t want to talk to him in private because I think it’s immodest.

He did not respect this and that is another red flag. Any decent man would respect this.

ut that it’s a shame I don’t trust myself around men, and that I must be “unchaste”

This is gaslighting, another red flag.

He went on that he doesn’t see women as objects, “unlike [myself] with men”

More gaslighting

I consented to have a private conversation with him, mostly out of guilt and dislike of being called “prudish” and a “bigot”.

You were manipulated because of his gaslighting

told me that I should feel unworthy to kiss Jesus on the face (His images), and that attending mass when I don’t feel like it makes me less holy because I didn’t want to go and defeated the whole purpose.

This is a huge red flag. This is abuse.

He makes me feel like crap about myself, and I have been wanting to cry the past hour thinking about his words

This is not online? In person? If online my advice is to stop interacting with him. If in person I advise the same and I would have a chat with the priest of your parish.
He wont change, no matter what you say. Please just remove yourself from this toxic situation with a toxic person.
There are good men out there. This man has more issues then a kangaroo unable to jump over a fence.