Is it Time to Break-up?

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all4jesus

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Greetings.

I began dating my boyfriend, a good friend prior, several months ago.

We are both very educated in the faith and hold to all of the teachings of the Church. We’ve had a happy, healthy, relationship. However, lately, I’ve found that things that used to slightly bother me about him, now make me so annoyed!

They are little things: The way he slouches, touches his nose, uses the word “like” or “um” too much. But I’ve found, that now he can’t really say anything right! His voice makes my skin crawl and I’m not attracted to him!

I’m also worried about his dedication to his job and have found myself becoming so nit-picky -although, a job dedication seems like a big deal!

I’m not sure what is going on. I don’t think he’s changed at all, which makes me think it is my problem, not his. Is this a sign that things will only get worse if we become engaged/married, or is it as simple as I need an attitude adjustment?

I especially appreciate any advice from happily married women, who have gone through this struggle, out there!

Thank you so much!
 
all4jesus said:
They are little things: The way he slouches, touches his nose, uses the word “like” or “um” too much. But I’ve found, that now he can’t really say anything right! His voice makes my skin crawl and I’m not attracted to him!
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I would say time to break up. But, why are you reacting so strongly to him? It’s almost like he disgusts you, did he recently do something to cause it?
 
all4jesus said:
They are little things: The way he slouches, touches his nose, uses the word “like” or “um” too much. But I’ve found, that now he can’t really say anything right! His voice makes my skin crawl and I’m not attracted to him!
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I appologize. I am an young unmarried man, but I also fancy myself a wise one on relationships so I hope you don’t mind my reply 😃

Things like that would get under my skin too. I wanted to suggest a causal link that might not have been so evident to you though:

It may not be the case that
  1. He has annoying habits and is unattractive
  2. Therefore you don’t like him
It is far more likely to be the case that
  1. You don’t like him (even though you love him, I’m guessing)
  2. Therefore, you become keenly aware of his idiosyncratic tendencies
The prognosis doesn’t look good. If you don’t like him now, you may be hard pressed to aquire a liking for him later. The ol’ friends-to-lovers jump is often an unfortunate step in the wrong direction. We scrutinize our potential lovers so heavily before we get involved, but we are less discriminate when it comes to our friends. Then when we make the transition, we realize that our beloved do not meet, as lovers, the criteria we had assessed them on for friendship. This sounds harsh, but it’s all supported in the social psychological literature.

Only you can make the decision to break-up. What do you suppose you ought to do?
 
I disagree with the previous poster.

All relationships go through phases like this - it’s completely normal. You will pass through this with time - all you have to do is wait it out, but this is really really important: you have to, first of all, not give in to the temptation to nag or to nit-pick.

What has happened is that the “shine” has gone off of the “new car.” Now comes the beginning of the real relationship. Are you ready for this? 🙂

Psst, I have a terrible secret to tell you; he is experiencing exactly the same thing with regard to you - habits of yours that he used to think were “cute” are now driving him straight round the bend. Hopefully, though, he has heard the advice to not say anything.

What you do now is, you start to consciously look for things to like about him, and you overlook the annoying stuff. You have to mentally make a list of all the things you like about him. Go out of your way to compliment him on those things that you like about him. The more you think of these things, the more you will fall back in love with him, at a much deeper level than before, because this time, you’ve had to work at it.

Also think about the things that originally attracted you to him, and remind yourself of why he is so special to you. 🙂
 
I would also ask if there has been some event that could have triggered your evident annoyance with him?

If not, it sounds to me as if your initial attraction has faded, the “bloom is off the rose”, so to speak, and at this point, you should NOT consider becoming engaged.

Every relationship has its ups and downs, and it happens even (maybe especially!) in marriage. But, in a healthy relationship or marriage, you generally remember the good qualities that attracted you to the other person in the first place and get past the temporary problems.

I’d just advise you to try to honestly discover why you are reacting to him this way. Perhaps your attraction to him is simply gone and you are looking for things to be angry or annoyed about in order to facilitate a break-up. Perhaps it’s just something temporary. In any event, how would you feel if he was out of your life? If you can answer that honestly, then you might know what you need to do next.

God bless!
 
I agree with the previous poster, real relationships aren’t always a fairytale or love song. they take work at times, but that’s what shakes out the faint of heart and makes them worth it. I’d take a bit of time off. not a break up, no dating anyone else, just a couple weeks without seeing him. abscence really does make the heart grow fonder.

when my DH and I were dating he was stationed a couple hours from where I lived. I was’t sure about us until he deployed. then I really fell in love with him. the being lonely, worried, everything. I’m s glad I gave it a chance, I almost walked away so many times before that…
 
jmcrae said:
I disagree with the previous poster.

All relationships go through phases like this - it’s completely normal. You will pass through this with time - all you have to do is wait it out, but this is really really important: you have to, first of all, not give in to the temptation to nag or to nit-pick.

What has happened is that the “shine” has gone off of the “new car.” Now comes the beginning of the real relationship. Are you ready for this? 🙂

Psst, I have a terrible secret to tell you; he is experiencing exactly the same thing with regard to you - habits of yours that he used to think were “cute” are now driving him straight round the bend. Hopefully, though, he has heard the advice to not say anything.

What you do now is, you start to consciously look for things to like about him, and you overlook the annoying stuff. You have to mentally make a list of all the things you like about him. Go out of your way to compliment him on those things that you like about him. The more you think of these things, the more you will fall back in love with him, at a much deeper level than before, because this time, you’ve had to work at it.

Also think about the things that originally attracted you to him, and remind yourself of why he is so special to you. 🙂
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This is what I thought. THANK YOU!
 
May I ask how long you’ve been dating the man now? I am curious to see just how fast the shine is removed from a new car :rolleyes:
 
No, this isn’t normal “bloom off the rose” stuff.

*His voice makes her skin crawl!
*
If you don’t like him and everything he does drives you nuts and you aren’t attracted to him of course you should break up.
 
organdy said:
No, this isn’t normal “bloom off the rose” stuff.

*His voice makes her skin crawl!
*
If you don’t like him and everything he does drives you nuts and you aren’t attracted to him of course you should break up.
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I think the important thing to note is that this all emerged as I allowed myself to be unwantonly critical of him. Nothing changed, except for my attitude. I think this was the result of human sin. Obviously, I do like him or I wouldn’t have begun dating him. 🙂
 
There’s a difference between lacking charity toward fellow human beings and noticing that you don’t like them. Just don’t let the fact that he’s great on paper (likes me! has a job! is a Catholic!) make you think that you have to date him or get engaged or get married. Marriage can be hard work - but this part is supposed to be fun. Finding someone annoying isn’t a sin, but staying in a relationship with someone because you’d feel guilty breaking it off might be. He deserves to be with someone who thinks he’s awesome! And you deserve to be with someone whose company you really enjoy. I’m not saying you should break up with him necessarily - I don’t know you or him… but from what you said, it sounds like a miserable situation. Just know that it’s ok to be unhappy, and it’s ok to break up. There’s absolutely nothing sinful about that - you aren’t married. Don’t make yourself a martyr for no reason.
 
I went through a similar situation. I had to pray to snap out of it because it was utterly uncharitable and I was annoyed with every little thing. It really got on my nerves really bad and with my temper, I was a raincloud.

so pray. adoration, adoration, adoration. Whether he becomes your husband or not, you don’t want to be annoyed with anyone because of slouching, how they scratch their nose, etc.

pax.
 
Don’t feel like you have to date the guy because he is a good catholic. You will not be doing him any favors if you stay with him when you can’t stand the very sight of him. He deserves to be with somebody who really and truly loves him. Basically somebody better for him than you. So yes, I would say it is time to break up. Just be kind to the guy; he sounds a lot like me. 🙂
 
jmcrae said:
I disagree with the previous poster.

All relationships go through phases like this - it’s completely normal. You will pass through this with time - all you have to do is wait it out, but this is really really important: you have to, first of all, not give in to the temptation to nag or to nit-pick.

What has happened is that the “shine” has gone off of the “new car.” Now comes the beginning of the real relationship. Are you ready for this? 🙂

Psst, I have a terrible secret to tell you; he is experiencing exactly the same thing with regard to you - habits of yours that he used to think were “cute” are now driving him straight round the bend. Hopefully, though, he has heard the advice to not say anything.

What you do now is, you start to consciously look for things to like about him, and you overlook the annoying stuff. You have to mentally make a list of all the things you like about him. Go out of your way to compliment him on those things that you like about him. The more you think of these things, the more you will fall back in love with him, at a much deeper level than before, because this time, you’ve had to work at it.

Also think about the things that originally attracted you to him, and remind yourself of why he is so special to you. 🙂
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You aren’t supposed to have your skin crawl when you are around someone until after you have been married for a while 🙂 I would say if it happens during the dating phase it is a very big sign something is wrong.
 
all4jesus said:
I think the important thing to note is that this all emerged as I allowed myself to be unwantonly critical of him. Nothing changed, except for my attitude. I think this was the result of human sin. Obviously, I do like him or I wouldn’t have begun dating him. 🙂
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We are called to unending charity, it comes from God - so, ditch the unwanton criticizsm. Satan is the accuser, he is critical.

Believe me, there are days when one’s spouse is annoying, we offer up those little sufferings.
 
***I dunno…I kind of agree with jmcrae, but I also think that after only a few months, if you’re already feeling not that into him, maybe it would be best to let him go…for his sake, too. Not fair to nit pick someone for the things you mention. I was a serial dater, sadly back in college–and was very picky, as you are being. I eventually realized though, it was my problem–I was afraid of commitment. When things started going really well with a guy, I’d find just about anything to pick at (in my mind) and then leave him. It was painful for the guys, and for me, in the end. I remember a friend of mine jokingly singing “Desperado” by the Eagles…as she thought for sure I’d die an lonely old woman, because I’d keep pushing men away. I offer this to you, because while on some level, you might not be that into him–it could be that you are afraid of commitment.

Pray about this, think it through. I’d hate to see you end a good relationship because of something you might need to heal in yourself. But, if you are truly not afraid of commitment, it could be that…‘you’re just not into him.’ (hate that cliche lol)

Praying for you to discern well here. God bless!***
 
Tosk said:
You aren’t supposed to have your skin crawl when you are around someone until after you have been married for a while 🙂 I would say if it happens during the dating phase it is a very big sign something is wrong.
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I agree. I’d dated my husband for over 5 years before we were married, and we’ve been married for almost 4 years now. That’s 9 years. I have yet to feel my skin crawl because of anything he says or does - that is not to say that I’m irresistibly infatuated with him 24/7, mind you. All4jesus has been dating this guy for just a few months. I feel something just isn’t quite as it should be.
kage_ar said:
We are called to unending charity, it comes from God - so, ditch the unwanton criticizsm. Satan is the accuser, he is critical.

Believe me, there are days when one’s spouse is annoying, we offer up those little sufferings.
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Yes on the unending criticism.

Just keep in mind that this is not OP’s SPOUSE we’re talking about, just a guy she’s dating. There is a HUGE difference and she is not obliged to spend the rest of her life with him 🙂
 
*I agree with the above poster…you are not obliged to date someone and tolerate things you dislike. But, I just encourage you to soul search a bit, through prayer, if this guy really isn’t the one or if you are afraid of commitment. (You=OP) We don’t need to “suffer” through anything while dating…dating should be fun, it shouldn’t be a burden. Yes, as dating goes on, there will be things that bug us about the other person, and if we are ever hopeful of marrying that person, we need to ‘see past’ those things. But, I disagree that we need to “offer up sufferings” when dating someone-- if that person is not the right person, move on. *
 
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