Is it time to "dump" her?

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john_6789

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I have been seeing a girl for about a year and a half now and I am beginning to really consider moving on.

When we first started seeing each other, I was not in a very good place spiritually. I had essentially given up on living a chaste life. As time went on though, I had a very radical change of heart by the grace of God.

I can now understand how offensive this was to God and as a result I refuse to give into the temptation of having premarital relations with her any more. I can also see that a good marriage is a three way relationship between God, the husband and the wife.

It is this same commitment to chastity that has become a real point of contention between my current girlfriend and myself. As a fallen away catholic, she sees no problem with premarital relations and she says that she feels as though something is wrong between us if that is not present in our relationship.

When she asks me exactly where the “line” is regarding what she can do with me, I feel as though I am being objectified and treated without respect. While I do care for her and pray that she would return to the faith, I can not see this kind of attitude as being the foundation of a happy and holy marriage.

I suppose that I already know the answer to my own question. I just wanted to get a second opinion on the situation (and perhaps encouragement or advice) before I take the next step.
 
If you want this relationship to continue and it is otherwise strong, happy and has a promising future than this issue may be one worth working out. You may want to consider couples counseling (no, it isn’t just for married couples) to at least help you communicate about this issue.

Right now she probably feels very hurt and rejected that what used to be a way for you to be close to her you now think is a sin, and she probably has a hard time wrapping her mind around it.

However, if her lack of faith in general bothers you, then yes, move on because you guys will never be compatible.
 
Sounds like it’s time to move on and find someone who shares your values. When two people have such diverse opinions on values, it never works out. She’d probably be happy to be able to be set free to find others who want what she wants in life. We can’t be too be hard on her–she’s just going along with our culture that has abandoned all morality. Let’s hope one day she’ll wake up to the reality of how damaging it is, but until then, I think you need to let this relationship go.
 
Well, she just could be a more concrete thinker than you, and need a “line”. You can always set the bar high, and start with that, for now. But to continue she needs to start seeing things your way. Give her a bit of time and patience, as you try to show her, but if it becomes evident she is not willing to go down that path with you, then, it woudl be time to dump her.
 
john_6789 said:
When she asks me exactly where the “line” is regarding what she can do with me, I feel as though I am being objectified and treated without respect. While I do care for her and pray that she would return to the faith, I can not see this kind of attitude as being the foundation of a happy and holy marriage.
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Well, whatever you decide to do, she asked a question you need to answer, for yourself, if not for her. If she, at this time, has no idea what is “allowed” and what is not, you are obviously having some contact that is sexual in nature. Then you start to feel like it’s entered into sinful territory and stop it. Only at that point it’s like she’s the “temptress” who’s done something wrong.

Asking where the line is, is actually a very appropriate thing to do. If you don’t know, how is she supposed to? But, of course, if no boundaries are defined, then you can just always react to your own guilt and she always somehow ends up being the one who is wrong.

I think you need to figure out what you are doing because it sounds gamey as all get out from where I’m sitting. And if it is with her, it will be with your next female companion.
 
Julia_Mae said:
Well, whatever you decide to do, she asked a question you need to answer, for yourself, if not for her. If she, at this time, has no idea what is “allowed” and what is not, you are obviously having some contact that is sexual in nature. Then you start to feel like it’s entered into sinful territory and stop it. Only at that point it’s like she’s the “temptress” who’s done something wrong.

Asking where the line is, is actually a very appropriate thing to do. If you don’t know, how is she supposed to? But, of course, if no boundaries are defined, then you can just always react to your own guilt and she always somehow ends up being the one who is wrong.

I think you need to figure out what you are doing because it sounds gamey as all get out from where I’m sitting. And if it is with her, it will be with your next female companion.
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Julia,
I feel that I need to clarify my reasoning on the “line” statement on my original post. While you are right that there are boundaries and they should be understood, my girlfriend has made it clear from her actions that she will go up to that “line” and test if I will hold to my convictions.

As a catholic, I feel that I must adhere to the teachings and wisdom of the church regarding what is acceptable when two young people are dating. The problem with the notion of a “line” as proposed by my girlfriend is that she wants a specific yes or no on every possible situation. Where there are things that are acceptable in this proposed framework, she will want to go one inch further each time she gets to that line.

While this is frustrating for her because she wants more and is not able to get it, it is just as (if not more) frustrating for me when I have to tell her to stop because she has “crossed the line” once again.

If you would like more insight on where I am coming from, Chastity.com has a great article titled “Exactly how far is too far to go with a girl? Be Specific.”
 
john_6789 said:
Julia,
I feel that I need to clarify my reasoning on the “line” statement on my original post. While you are right that there are boundaries and they should be understood, my girlfriend has made it clear from her actions that she will go up to that “line” and test if I will hold to my convictions.

As a catholic, I feel that I must adhere to the teachings and wisdom of the church regarding what is acceptable when two young people are dating. The problem with the notion of a “line” as proposed by my girlfriend is that she wants a specific yes or no on every possible situation. Where there are things that are acceptable in this proposed framework, she will want to go one inch further each time she gets to that line.

While this is frustrating for her because she wants more and is not able to get it, it is just as (if not more) frustrating for me when I have to tell her to stop because she has “crossed the line” once again.

If you would like more insight on where I am coming from, Chastity.com has a great article titled “Exactly how far is too far to go with a girl? Be Specific.”
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I haven’t read the link that you posted, but have you discussed this article with your gf? It sounds like to me you have woken up basically and because she hasn’t yet you want to dump her. I think you need to man up here and be honest with yourself. Because if you have any serious feelings for this girl, I would imagine you’d want to try your best to help her understand where you are coming from and what the teachings are before you let the relationship go. And it also sounds like you are trying to get other posters to give you the go ahead to break it off with your gf so your conscience is clear. She isn’t any more immoral then you are because you participated in sexual activity with her; just because you’ve found the light and truth of our teachings, doesn’t make her now the immoral one because you encouraged her to be that way before you discovered that pre-marital sex is wrong. Either you love her or you don’t. Either you want to give the relationship a chance and her a chance to come to where you are, or you don’t. And don’t go putting it on her as an excuse to break it off. You encouraged her to be involved in pre-marital relationships just as much as she may have encouraged you. You now have a responsibility to try to help her become chaste and that may take some effort and it may take some time. If you really don’t want to be with her just because you don’t want to be that is fine, but I don’t like your attitude that she is now the unchaste one and doesn’t quite get where you are now coming from, as the excuse that makes it easier for you to end this relationship. Of course she is going to test your bounderies as this is a new you to her in some aspects and this is being chaste is new to her also, and I don’t think she is going to suddenly come around overnight without some real effort and understanding and assistance from you. You don’t soil something then walk away conscience clear. Even if you truly don’t want to be with her, you do owe it to her to help her become chaste and if she says get lost, fine you have your answer. But you have to make this decision, not us. We aren’t here to ease your conscience.
 
Don’t worry about it too much… these things tend to sort themselves out after marriage…

Not.

Thanks for posting and welcome back to the Church. You seem like an insightful and devout young man.

I’ll say a prayer for you, for your girlfriend, and your discernment in this matter.
 
Have you talked to her about what drove her away from The Church in the first place, or tried to explain the faith to her in a way that addresses any misconceptions she may have had when she moved away from it? Sure, there’s that chance she could have a change of heart, and it’s your choice if you want to stick it out in hopes of that; however, very rarely does it work out when couples have vastly different viewpoints on religion. If you choose to move on, pray that the Lord will send you a girl with whom you can share your faith and work towards the Kingdom of Heaven together… I really don’t think God will disappoint!

A good friend of mine broke up with her long-time boyfriend in college because she was super-Baptist and he had admitted God wasn’t a huge priority for him. We all thought she was crazy but she ended up with someone even more perfect for her, and they’re married with a family now and have a pretty darn amazing life. So, just trust in Him. He will lead you to that person… or maybe a vocation to the priesthood, who knows 😉

You’re 100% right to be unsettled by her boundaries question. She’s approaching it from a totally opposite angle, like “how much can I get away with without getting trouble” rather than a place of mutual respect for your bodies and the love and desire to please God. Let us know how it goes!! 🙂
 
O.P.-- I understand your reticence of being ‘objectified’ by her and feeling not ‘respected’ by her…

This is why we need a Catholic Men’s Movement.
 
It seems you are being somewhat impatient with a person who is exactly where you were just a little while ago.

Why don’t you try to include her in your revelation? Take a TOB class together.
 
Having been in a VERY similar place a few months ago, I can completely understand where you’re coming from. My advice: pray about it, talk to your girlfriend about it, but don’t be afraid to move on. The fact of the matter is that the two of you are not in the same place, spiritually, and from the way you presented your story it seems that she is resisting coming to that place that you are.

After being mired in impurity with my girlfriend for a few months, I experienced something of an epiphany shortly after Christmas (no pun intended…) and began really reading and investing in the Church’s teachings about chastity. I did a study on Theology of the Body, read some books by Jason and Crystallina Evert, went to confession far more regularly than ever before, and “converted.” I stopped looking at physical intimacy in terms of lines that shouldn’t be crossed. I flipped my perspective and began looking at relationships the way Christ intended.

My girlfriend at the time did the ToB study with me, tried reading the same books, but still balked at the notion of flipping her perspective. She strongly resisted that change. I held on, trying to convert her, because I loved her. In the end, I knew I had to break it off. And less than two weeks later - after telling me that, despite her past, she wanted to try it differently, that she really had learned something from our relationship, and that she was coming back to the Church - she slept with one of my close friends.

So try to help her, but don’t try to change her. Only she can change herself, with the grace of God. And if it becomes a situation where you are “missionary dating,” GET OUT. That’s a very unhealthy way to try to build a relationship. And if you do indeed follow that course, as I am beginning to suspect you will, take some time to be single. Enjoy your “season of singleness”! Take some time to really get to know who you are with God before you try to figure out who you are with a woman. Take the focus entirely off of relationships and let God do His thing in your life, and trust that He will do His thing in your girlfriend’s life.

You’re in my prayers, the both of you.
 
john_6789 said:
Julia,
I feel that I need to clarify my reasoning on the “line” statement on my original post. While you are right that there are boundaries and they should be understood,…
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What are they? Give a brief list here of what you believe is allowed. I don’t think the Catechism lays out parameters.
 
Yes, I think it’s time to go your separate ways. She’s into sex, you’re not going to allow yourself to get carried away. You said she will test the boundaries over and over and over, which is exhausting for both of you. She obviously doesn’t have the same spiritual viewpoint about sexual intimacy. You can’t teach her that. Only the Holy Spirit can lead her in that direction. In the meantime, you will be tempting her and she will be tempting you. Let her go.
 
Hmmmmmmm… Methinks you should talk to her and get back to us… I would not be so quick to drop her…
 
John,
at this point, would you commit to marrying her?

If not, then break up with her.

Then take a break and learn about the Catholic view of marriage, and taking that into account, consider what dating is in relation to that. In the serial monogamy style of dating prevalent in the US conducive to marriage? IMHO, the answer would be a hearty no.

I do not think you are or should be blaming her as just recently you were where she is now. The thing is, neither of you should have been there. Now *by the grace of God *you are more where you are supposed to be in that area, but she is choosing to remain there.

If you marry, your wife will not be perfect, nor will she have a perfect husband. But where your current g/f is is not a mere imperfection, it is like a huge red roadsign saying Stop! This is an incompatibility which strikes at the heart of marriage.

you are no more committed to staying with her than an addict who wants to quit is obliged to remain friends with an active addict.
 
If you truly care for her spend quality time and explain as best you can why you can’t continue having a sexual intimate relationship, cos it belongs in marriage only.Ask if she’d like to pray the rosary, listen to more Jason Evertt talks, perhaps a Kyrstalina Evertt talk as well. Seek a priests’ advice. I would love to speak with your girlfriend too if you like as I was in the same position as her two years ago…I grew up in the secular culture, never practiced my faith, met a guy who wasn’t practicing either, and two months after we started dating he had a sudden “conversion” as well. He realized he truly cared and wanted to be with me. It took awhile for me to understand why we had to stop the intimate relationship, but with prayer and patience two years later we’re devout Catholics getting married next month. When my boyfriend had a conversion, I felt hurt, unwanted, confused, and not loved. I wasn’t sure if he was trying to ease his way into a break up, but when I finally realized how much he cared for me and the beauty of the church it was an amazing feeling. Of course it didn’t happen over night but anything is possible with prayer, adoration, daily mass, confession, etc. Ask her if she’d want her future children sleeping around or how her dad would feel if he knew you both were intimate. If you actually see a future with this girl, possible marriage in the next couple years, work on it. Don’t give up if she’s worth it! Show her you care in other ways i.e. flowers, tell her how much you care/love her, send cute e-mails, text messages, do favors for her, go out to dinner with her parents, ask her to go to mass with you and pray together. Ask her to give it a go and “go along” with your new conversion and play along for awhile if she truly cares for you.
john_6789 said:
I have been seeing a girl for about a year and a half now and I am beginning to really consider moving on.

When we first started seeing each other, I was not in a very good place spiritually. I had essentially given up on living a chaste life. As time went on though, I had a very radical change of heart by the grace of God.

I can now understand how offensive this was to God and as a result I refuse to give into the temptation of having premarital relations with her any more. I can also see that a good marriage is a three way relationship between God, the husband and the wife.

It is this same commitment to chastity that has become a real point of contention between my current girlfriend and myself. As a fallen away catholic, she sees no problem with premarital relations and she says that she feels as though something is wrong between us if that is not present in our relationship.

When she asks me exactly where the “line” is regarding what she can do with me, I feel as though I am being objectified and treated without respect. While I do care for her and pray that she would return to the faith, I can not see this kind of attitude as being the foundation of a happy and holy marriage.

I suppose that I already know the answer to my own question. I just wanted to get a second opinion on the situation (and perhaps encouragement or advice) before I take the next step.
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Practically speaking you are dating her to determine if she would be suitable as a wife and mother.Do you really want her to raise your children with the belief that premarital sex is OK? If you marry and she does not radically change these views then you will be unequally yoked and that is a recipe for deep sadness. You know the answer to your question.
 
radixlecti said:
If you truly care for her spend quality time and explain as best you can why you can’t continue having a sexual intimate relationship, cos it belongs in marriage only.Ask if she’d like to pray the rosary, listen to more Jason Evertt talks, perhaps a Kyrstalina Evertt talk as well. Seek a priests’ advice. I would love to speak with your girlfriend too if you like as I was in the same position as her two years ago…I grew up in the secular culture, never practiced my faith, met a guy who wasn’t practicing either, and two months after we started dating he had a sudden “conversion” as well. He realized he truly cared and wanted to be with me. It took awhile for me to understand why we had to stop the intimate relationship, but with prayer and patience two years later we’re devout Catholics getting married next month. When my boyfriend had a conversion, I felt hurt, unwanted, confused, and not loved. I wasn’t sure if he was trying to ease his way into a break up, but when I finally realized how much he cared for me and the beauty of the church it was an amazing feeling. Of course it didn’t happen over night but anything is possible with prayer, adoration, daily mass, confession, etc. Ask her if she’d want her future children sleeping around or how her dad would feel if he knew you both were intimate. If you actually see a future with this girl, possible marriage in the next couple years, work on it. Don’t give up if she’s worth it! Show her you care in other ways i.e. flowers, tell her how much you care/love her, send cute e-mails, text messages, do favors for her, go out to dinner with her parents, ask her to go to mass with you and pray together. Ask her to give it a go and “go along” with your new conversion and play along for awhile if she truly cares for you.
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This is great testimony. Thanks for sharing it! God bless you both and congratulations!

:clapping::clapping::clapping::dancing:
 
Haven’t read the other responses…
  1. I would try and determine if I just want an excuse to break up (religion) or that I truly do not fit w/ this person. I would not throw religion up as a reason as it may effect her in future.
  2. If you do love her- work with her. I would start slow, do not immerse her in to too much Catholic stuff. Before I was a Catholic junkie, chastity talks would have amused me to no end, and praying rosary put me to sleep. Rather BE what you want her to adopt, live. Actions speak louder than words.
  3. Consider whether or not you are judging her against yourself, and whether or not you are acting in a superior manner? You used to enjoy sex with her and told her through your body that’s how you loved her- now you are speaking another language. Translate.
 
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