Is it vital that spouses have the same "love language"?

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I was wondering if it is totally necessary for spouses to have the same so called “love language”, which are the ways that people express love and affection for one another. These commonly include: touch, gifts, words of affirmation, quality time, and acts of service.

for married couples here, how do you and your spouse differ? If so, how do you communicate and grow more intimate? Are some of yours the same and others different?

thanks!

Jerry
 
Ours are completely different! I love it…it means we aren’t trying to plan the same things for each other!
 
My husband and I are totally different when it comes to our love language. It works for us.
 
Sometimes life is letting go of expectations, like always getting cards and flowers at certain special days. The cards and flowers don’t show up ALWAYS, but when they do it’s like a very special treat, and it’s ok. Feathers don’t need to get ruffled… Sometimes you really have to remind yourself what attracted you in the first place. And YOU were serious when you made THE commitment. Give yourself some space. Pray and you will see a new side of your better half, or an old side that you had completely forgotten!
 
Ours is completely different. Mine is quality time whereas his is words of affirmation. We’ve been married four years and were for 12 years before that (high school/college sweethearts), so it works. It’s not without its challenges, but I personally wouldn’t want to be in a relationship with the same needs I have. We work together well. He has a lot of the qualities I lack and vice versa.
 
Instead of saying “have the same love language”, I think I would say “understand each other’s love language”.

In this way, each spouse ‘gets it’ when the other attempts to express themselves, even if their mode of expression isn’t one the other would choose. This isn’t as easy as it sounds, of course, especially when emotions are running high… 😉
 
JeraldW said:
I was wondering if it is totally necessary for spouses to have the same so called “love language”, which are the ways that people express love and affection for one another. These commonly include: touch, gifts, words of affirmation, quality time, and acts of service.

for married couples here, how do you and your spouse differ? If so, how do you communicate and grow more intimate? Are some of yours the same and others different?

thanks!

Jerry
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No, I do not believe it is necessary to have the same love language. What is important in my view is that you understand your partners love language and conform yourself to it and that he or she spouse does the same…Like Thomas Aquinas said “Love is willing the good of the other as other and doing something about it”

Yeah marriage!! 😛
 
JeraldW said:
I was wondering if it is totally necessary for spouses to have the same so called “love language”, which are the ways that people express love and affection for one another. These commonly include: touch, gifts, words of affirmation, quality time, and acts of service.
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Not the same ‘language’ (that could actually make it boring for some people) but certainly an ability or willingness to understand and accept each other’s.

Since you mentioned quality time, it’s necessary to stress the fact that people have varying levels of need for time together. Every individual can need now more now less, while the peaks and lows can fall at different times for each of the couple. Also, the overall, general need for togetherness may be stronger in one than in the other. For example, there are people who just can’t find five minutes for their spouse, they spend all the time with children or other family. You need to make sure you’re on the same page in this regard with whomever you want to marry (ar at least you’re both willing to make some concessions and live with the fact that each is actually conceding to the other rather than enthusiastically jumping at it).

Since you’re male, I’d suggest make sure that she doesn’t have some kind of controlphobia when you just simply need to spend time or stay in touch. Women these days are prone to having a bit of a distorted relationship commitment equilibrium, prompting them to wanting all the freedom and non-accountability for themselves while wanting all the commitment and accommodation from you. This kind of attitude is also encouraged by men. Perhaps an overcompensation for perceived previous imbalance against women. I always keep bumping into this thing myself. Perhaps I should marry a female JP (a sense of justice and equity to solve conflicts and disputes, without enough formal legal training to fall back on simply executing procedures from some book). 😛
 
JeraldW said:
I was wondering if it is totally necessary for spouses to have the same so called “love language”, which are the ways that people express love and affection for one another. These commonly include: touch, gifts, words of affirmation, quality time, and acts of service.

for married couples here, how do you and your spouse differ? If so, how do you communicate and grow more intimate? Are some of yours the same and others different?

thanks!

Jerry
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What sometimes happens is that you give your spouse what YOU would want THEM to give you. And they give you what they would want. If you are the same language, that’s great, it’s all good. But if, say, your wife or husband’s primary love language is gifts, and yours is touch, you can rub their back all day long but they want the bouquet of flowers or little trinket from the gift shop. And no one’s love “bucket” is getting filled.

I try to get my needs filled through others. My husband is not interested in filling my reservoir so 🤷
 
TheRealJuliane said:
My husband is not interested in filling my reservoir so 🤷
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That’s what I always thought about my husband - turns out he’s just a slow learner. He has often done things that I didn’t want him to do & he would say he was doing it for me & I “should be happy.” Last week he decided to do something “for” me & I told him not to. I wanted to do it myself. He insisted so I finally said I wouldn’t argue any more & he could do whatever he wanted - but I was obviously angry about the whole thing. (I had used some words that would not be allowed here.)

About a day & a half later he says, maybe I should ask you if you want me to do something, instead of just doing it. I told him it was an excellent idea.

It took only 26 years for the lightbulb to go off! 😦
 
TheRealJuliane said:
What sometimes happens is that you give your spouse what YOU would want THEM to give you. And they give you what they would want. If you are the same language, that’s great, it’s all good. But if, say, your wife or husband’s primary love language is gifts, and yours is touch, you can rub their back all day long but they want the bouquet of flowers or little trinket from the gift shop. And no one’s love “bucket” is getting filled.

I try to get my needs filled through others. My husband is not interested in filling my reservoir so 🤷
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Me too. My husband’s “love language” is sex. That’s how he expresses love and feels loved. Mine is different. We try, but it’s hard because he obviously can’t get his sexual needs fulfilled elsewhere, whereas mine can be filled by friends, family and work. I try to accommodate his needs despite my not always wanting to, and I get my need for validation, admiration and appreciation from others.
 
JackieMom said:
Me too. My husband’s “love language” is sex. That’s how he expresses love and feels loved. Mine is different. We try, but it’s hard because he obviously can’t get his sexual needs fulfilled elsewhere, whereas mine can be filled by friends, family and work. I try to accommodate his needs despite my not always wanting to, and I get my need for validation, admiration and appreciation from others.
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The same. Funny how the books don’t talk about that being one of the “love” languages…

:rolleyes:
 
Haha!!

I’ve never even HAD sex (waiting for the lady God has in mind for me)…but i’m pretty sure that it’ll be my love language - my body constantly goes bonkers (and i mean absolutely BONKERS!) for it!!

But, can a guy not make his wife feel loved by listening to her and talking things over with her either before or after sex?? Or if the wife loves to be held and touched, can that not be done leading up to sex, or by snuggling together afterwards?

I fully understand why your husband’s love language is sex because for guys it’s the strongest desire there is!! It’s actually more powerful than the need for eating and drinking haha! I genuinely find it over-powering and cant control it, no matter how much i pray i cant resist sin :’(

But obviously not ALL men are like that…but apart from priests and monks, i cant imagine there’s THAT many!! :L

Maybe just try and raise awareness of what your love language is to your husbands…and then find a place to build it into a routiene before or after what his is…like getting into the habit of having a cuddle and a wee in-depth chat afterwards as you’s lie in the warmth of your bed.
  • I don’t know, i cant say that i have any experience to speak from…but i genuinely think that men care about their wives more than their wives know. Guy’s just arent as good at expressing their emotion and affection tenderly. Guys, DO care, but i thinkwe often need to be told clearly and simply before we get the message sometimes…then once we know, we’re happy enough to try our best!
It’s probably all a lot more complicated than that, but hey, that’s what i think, just ask clearly and simply so we know exactly what you’re needing and we’ll do our best!.

Haha! Hopefully, even if i’m uber nieve, i’ve given you’s a laugh!

God bless 🙂
 
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