Is it vital that spouses have the same "love language"?

[TheRealJuliane]

Haha!!

I’ve never even HAD sex (waiting for the lady God has in mind for me)…but i’m pretty sure that it’ll be my love language - my body constantly goes bonkers (and i mean absolutely BONKERS!) for it!!

But, can a guy not make his wife feel loved by listening to her and talking things over with her either before or after sex?? Or if the wife loves to be held and touched, can that not be done leading up to sex, or by snuggling together afterwards?

I fully understand why your husband’s love language is sex because for guys it’s the strongest desire there is!! It’s actually more powerful than the need for eating and drinking haha! I genuinely find it over-powering and cant control it, no matter how much i pray i cant resist sin :’(

But obviously not ALL men are like that…but apart from priests and monks, i cant imagine there’s THAT many!! :L

Maybe just try and raise awareness of what your love language is to your husbands…and then find a place to build it into a routiene before or after what his is…like getting into the habit of having a cuddle and a wee in-depth chat afterwards as you’s lie in the warmth of your bed.

• I don’t know, i cant say that i have any experience to speak from…but i genuinely think that men care about their wives more than their wives know. Guy’s just arent as good at expressing their emotion and affection tenderly. Guys, DO care, but i thinkwe often need to be told clearly and simply before we get the message sometimes…then once we know, we’re happy enough to try our best!

It’s probably all a lot more complicated than that, but hey, that’s what i think, just ask clearly and simply so we know exactly what you’re needing and we’ll do our best!.

Haha! Hopefully, even if i’m uber nieve, i’ve given you’s a laugh!

God bless

I think you are going to make a very good husband one day! Lots of insight and the willingness to do what it takes to make a marriage work. I wish all men were like you…

 

[Robert789]

Haha!
No, i know i’m far far to focused on sex for marriage and i’m convinced that’s why God’s making me wait. Even though i do desperately want a wee lady to be able to throw my arms around and love to bits, i’m placing too much emphesis on my own desires for sexual fulfilment rather than focusing on what she would need from a husband. After all, is it not a husband’s job to ensure his wife is continually fulfilled in her love language…and the wife’s job to ensure her husband is fulfilled in his?? So i shud be thinking about what she may need in the future…and let her think about how to satisfy me?
So maybe the bottom line is that I’m really selfish because i’m even considering my sexual desires, when i shud be thinking about the qualities i need to develop to keep a lady satisfied…and i’ll just have to put my trust in God that she’ll be able and happy enough to take care of my sex drive.
So actually, i’m actually really selfish that i’m considering what i want!! It’s not my job to figure out my own sexual satisfaction. It’s my job to learn to master HER love language and keep HER satisfied.
…it’s just really difficult when you havnt met her yet and your sex drive is through the roof!! Haha. Lord, please get me married before i actually EXPLODE!!!

REMEMBER, as long as you give clear and direct suggestions to your husband’s i’m sure he’ll be delighted to make you really happy! (and i’m sure he’d be even happier, encouraged and likely to become fluent in your love language, if you reward him with a surprise chat in his love language after, along with an explaination of how he has made you happy, and why you now want to make him happy!

Ok, it might be a bit like rewarding a dog with a treat after they’ve done a trick, but i think it would leave two very happy people! Haha. Mutual giving - yes, i think that’s what love is about! Haha!

Guy’s just struggle to convey what they feel sometimes. It’s only looking back that while i knew i loved my old girlfriend, it didnt register that it would make her happy if i told her how i felt. I was so worried how she felt that i didnt realise that she needed to hear how i felt about her!!

And, on behalf of guys, sorry for imposing too much sex on women…and thank you for the women who put up with us. We owe women a Lot more respect than we give them

 

[CatholicRaven]

TheRealJulianne:

The same. Funny how the books don’t talk about that being one of the “love” languages…

Which books did you read? I’ve only read the one, but the author definitely talks about sex and its role in the book The Five Love Languages. Does he not mention it in his other books?

I agree that many (most? all?) husbands have a strong desire for sex, and a few may have a “primary dialect” of sex, but I don’t think that’s the ONLY way we can make our husbands feel loved. Maybe I’m wrong, but I suspect all men probably do have a “love language” besides sex. But if his wife is genuinely meeting his emotional needs through sex, I don’t see a problem with that, either.

My husband’s love language is Physical Touch (with Words of Affirmation and Acts of Service tied for a close second). You would think, since Physical Touch is so important to him, that he’d want sex all the time, and other expressions of love would go mostly unnoticed. But I have found that his desire for sex and his love language are separate. Having sex and feeling loved aren’t always directly connected–especially if our emotional needs are not being met. I think we wives tend to get confused about this, because most of us tend to feel stronger sexual desire for our husband when we feel emotionally connected to him. Therefore, we sort of assume that his emotional needs are met when he expresses a desire for sex.

Think about it. If you gave him all the sex he wanted, but didn’t touch him or respond to his touch the rest of the time, never praised or appreciated him, didn’t spend any time with him, never gave him anything special, and never did anything for him (including housekeeping or making meals)… for how long do you think he would feel that you actually loved him? And what happens if, for some reason, you are physically unable to have sex (medical reasons, for example, or an extended absence)? Are you completely unable to show love to your husband if you cannot have sex?

As for the OP, I don’t think it’s important to have the same “love language” as your spouse; however, it’s important to be willing to learn and express love in the “love language” of your spouse, even if you have never read the book and/or don’t know the vocabulary. Just learning what makes your spouse feel happy and loved, and trying to do those things on a regular basis. I also think that even couples with the same love language can have problems expressing love in ways their spouse will “hear” it. There is even an example of such a couple in the book.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Think about it. If you gave him all the sex he wanted, but didn’t touch him or respond to his touch the rest of the time, never praised or appreciated him, didn’t spend any time with him, never gave him anything special, and never did anything for him (including housekeeping or making meals)… for how long do you think he would feel that you actually loved him? And what happens if, for some reason, you are physically unable to have sex (medical reasons, for example, or an extended absence)? Are you completely unable to show love to your husband if you cannot have sex?

Forever. He would be very, very happy. And unfortunately, if we aren’t having sex on a very regular basis, he feels unloved. Completely unloved.

 

[JackieMom]

Forever. He would be very, very happy. And unfortunately, if we aren’t having sex on a very regular basis, he feels unloved. Completely unloved.

Same here. My husband wouldn’t care if I ever cooked another homemade meal, made his bed, bought him another birthday gift, or told him he was handsome again - as long as I was having enthusiastic sex with him a few times a week. And that’s not a slam against him, it’s just really the primary (by a long shot) way he gives and receives love. His other needs are very minimal.

 

[Robert789]

Which books did you read? I’ve only read the one, but the author definitely talks about sex and its role in the book The Five Love Languages. Does he not mention it in his other books?

I agree that many (most? all?) husbands have a strong desire for sex, and a few may have a “primary dialect” of sex, but I don’t think that’s the ONLY way we can make our husbands feel loved. Maybe I’m wrong, but I suspect all men probably do have a “love language” besides sex. But if his wife is genuinely meeting his emotional needs through sex, I don’t see a problem with that, either.

My husband’s love language is Physical Touch (with Words of Affirmation and Acts of Service tied for a close second). You would think, since Physical Touch is so important to him, that he’d want sex all the time, and other expressions of love would go mostly unnoticed. But I have found that his desire for sex and his love language are separate. Having sex and feeling loved aren’t always directly connected–especially if our emotional needs are not being met. I think we wives tend to get confused about this, because most of us tend to feel stronger sexual desire for our husband when we feel emotionally connected to him. Therefore, we sort of assume that his emotional needs are met when he expresses a desire for sex.

Think about it. If you gave him all the sex he wanted, but didn’t touch him or respond to his touch the rest of the time, never praised or appreciated him, didn’t spend any time with him, never gave him anything special, and never did anything for him (including housekeeping or making meals)… for how long do you think he would feel that you actually loved him? And what happens if, for some reason, you are physically unable to have sex (medical reasons, for example, or an extended absence)? Are you completely unable to show love to your husband if you cannot have sex?

As for the OP, I don’t think it’s important to have the same “love language” as your spouse; however, it’s important to be willing to learn and express love in the “love language” of your spouse, even if you have never read the book and/or don’t know the vocabulary. Just learning what makes your spouse feel happy and loved, and trying to do those things on a regular basis. I also think that even couples with the same love language can have problems expressing love in ways their spouse will “hear” it. There is even an example of such a couple in the book.

Sex doesnt always mean love…think of prostitutes etc. Sex is a drive that needs satisfied when it builds up…the same way as you have to eat when you get sufficiently hungry.

I dont think sex is itself a love language…but i think it is a context where love languages are often expressed, and thats what causes the confusion. For example, a husband or wife’s need for sensual touch may be fulfilled during sex…but that doesnt mean that sex itself was the language…it was just the context in which the touching occurs.

…well that’s my opinion. …i’m not saying that i’m right.

Maybe i’m wrong, but i think sex is more of a “need”. Not as important as food or water (although my body seems to think otherwise :L ) But maybe a bit more like sleep. If you dont sleep, your body tells you more and more that you are tired…and eventually, even against your own will, you will fall asleep. For guys, even if they obstain, they eventually will have a wet dream…indicating that even if they suppress their desires, there is a need to ejaculate. So i THINK it’s a need rather than a love language. However love languages can be expressed during sex. This is why sex is a good thing given by God…it creates frequent scenarios where husband and wife can touch and tell each other how much they need each other etc…

• i think!

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Same here. My husband wouldn’t care if I ever cooked another homemade meal, made his bed, bought him another birthday gift, or told him he was handsome again - as long as I was having enthusiastic sex with him a few times a week. And that’s not a slam against him, it’s just really the primary (by a long shot) way he gives and receives love. His other needs are very minimal.

I could leave the house a dump, serve him microwave meals or demand that we go out to eat, go out and spend a ton of money, and be a total b*tch to him and he’d still be happy if we had sex more frequently.



And lest anyone accuse me of detraction, I know that he would agree with this statement.

 

[Robert789]

Same here. My husband wouldn’t care if I ever cooked another homemade meal, made his bed, bought him another birthday gift, or told him he was handsome again - as long as I was having enthusiastic sex with him a few times a week. And that’s not a slam against him, it’s just really the primary (by a long shot) way he gives and receives love. His other needs are very minimal.

Yes, i imagine i will be the same.
But please dont take that as an insult or as something negative!! Maybe our needs are relatively minimal…but all our needs are CONCENTRATED into an act which we really really need you for!!

But believe me, take away the other things that wives do for their husbands and i GUARANTEE that they’d all be like headless chickens! Haha.

It’s not that these other things are needed or appreciated, it’s just that as well as satisfying their sex drive, men get the touching they need too during sex…and they feel accepted by their woman. It’s like a ‘one act does all’ type job! and as sex satisfies so much, it is more highly valued that the other things. …and maybe your guy thinks that you’ve also recieved the same level of satisfaction from sex as he has!

 

[JackieMom]

I could leave the house a dump, serve him microwave meals or demand that we go out to eat, go out and spend a ton of money, and be a total b*tch to him and he’d still be happy if we had sex more frequently.



And lest anyone accuse me of detraction, I know that he would agree with this statement.

Oh, mine would too. And he’s a wonderful man, an outstanding dad, and admittedly does all his own chores/laundry and is happy to cook dinner… But it’s absolutely the same. Nothing I do or say even comes within ten miles of meeting his needs like sex does. I get so frustrated because I really take pride in my housekeeping and cooking. Instead of complimenting it, he offers to DO IT ALL in exchange for more sex!

 

[Robert789]

Errrmm…

How do i put this politely…??

I’m a virgin, i dont even know what i’m missing out on!! I don’t have a girlfriend and am not even romantically linked to any girl at the moment. I’m 21, and seem to be constantly aroused haha. I find temptation so strong that i ashamedly fall to masturbation frequently (despite my prayers and attempts to resist temptation). So in reality, i sinfully relieve my own sex drive when i THINK it’s become unbearable (even thou God doe a not allow us to be tempted more than we can handle).

So i can sinfully satisfy myself.

Do i feel loved? No.
Am i satisfied? No.
Do I wish for a wife to love? Yes. Even when i am not aroused? Yes.

So even with (sinfully) tending to my sex drive, I still long for a wife.

This means that a wife means more than a sex object.

You might think that your husbands only care about the sex. Believe me, even though i ashamedly handle my own sex drive, life is not complete. There’s a need to have someone to express my love to, a need to be able to have someone that’s special to be and i to her.

I’d kill to have a girl to hug and kiss, someone to talk things over with and someone to tease haha! That’s only the tip of the iceburg!

There’s literally SO SO many things that a girl means to a guy. We just forget to tell you’s about all these things!! And you’s (perhaps justifiably) just see our huge desire for sex.

 

[Robert789]

…sorry for being graphic!

Hope i havnt caused anybody to vomit!

 

[Robert789]

I get so frustrated because I really take pride in my housekeeping and cooking. Instead of complimenting it, he offers to DO IT ALL in exchange for more sex!

Maybe that just shows how much his relations with you mean to him! From another view point, he obviously thinks you’re fantastic! - which sounds like a compliment to me!!

And, maybe he’d prefer to “do it all” if it means that he’d be able to spend more time with his wife - which is a compliment too!

Maybe intamicy with his wife is more important than a well kept house to him! Which i think is quite nice really!

• Just a different viewpoint! No offence meant!! :s

 

[Debora123]

It’s definitely a plus but it’s not “required.”

 

[CatholicRaven]

Robert789,

I think your posts are very insightful, and show an understanding and appreciation for the marital act, as well as for the “love languages” and communication between spouses. When God guides you at last to your spouse, it will be worth the wait, and you both will truly be blessed.

I agree with you that most likely, these men’s emotional needs (their “love languages”) are being met by their wives within the marital act–and, as I said, I see nothing wrong with that!

If sex truly was a man’s only “love language,” his only way of expressing love and feeling loved, then how would he “hear” love from others besides his wife–such as his children, parents, siblings, and friends? Would these simply be one-way relationships, and the poor guy, even though he could show* them love in other ways, wouldn’t feel loved *by these people in his life? If true, I would feel very bad for him. What a rough cross that would be to bear!

And I have to say, I love to cook, but if my husband was willing to do all the housework (or even most of it) in exchange for more sex, wow… that would be a deal I’d be happy to make!

 

[maryjk]

I was wondering if it is totally necessary for spouses to have the same so called “love language”, which are the ways that people express love and affection for one another. These commonly include: touch, gifts, words of affirmation, quality time, and acts of service.

I would hope not, considering the book didn’t come out until around 1992. For those of us that married before then, what are we supposed to do?

for married couples here, how do you and your spouse differ? If so, how do you communicate and grow more intimate? Are some of yours the same and others different?

thanks!

Jerry

I’ve never read the book.

 

[Robert789]

Robert789,

I think your posts are very insightful, and show an understanding and appreciation for the marital act, as well as for the “love languages” and communication between spouses. When God guides you at last to your spouse, it will be worth the wait, and you both will truly be blessed.

I agree with you that most likely, these men’s emotional needs (their “love languages”) are being met by their wives within the marital act–and, as I said, I see nothing wrong with that!

If sex truly was a man’s only “love language,” his only way of expressing love and feeling loved, then how would he “hear” love from others besides his wife–such as his children, parents, siblings, and friends? Would these simply be one-way relationships, and the poor guy, even though he could show* them love in other ways, wouldn’t feel loved *by these people in his life? If true, I would feel very bad for him. What a rough cross that would be to bear!

And I have to say, I love to cook, but if my husband was willing to do all the housework (or even most of it) in exchange for more sex, wow… that would be a deal I’d be happy to make!

Thank you!

Yes i agree with you! I think PERHAPS because men seem so focused on sex that wives can think that that’s all their wanted for. But maybe they dont realise that sex speaks a whole range of men’s love languages in one act. That’s why they love it so much! And because it’s such a big hit for the guys, they assume that their wives get as much out of it (which may or may not be the case).

I think the key to this whole thread is about communication. And i genuinely think guys need to hear things simply and clearly sometimes…guy’s are the best at picking up suggestions, hints and riddles (well i’m certainly not!). But that doesnt mean that communication should resort to an argument or be confrontational.

Because men like their sex, perhaps that’s the best place to try to incorporate these new love languages that will satisfy the wife. Believe me, you’ll not find your husband unkeen to practise!! If you need to hear how much you husband needs you and how beautiful he thinks you are, then why not ask him to tell you during the marital act. I doubt he’ll have any objections! Find out what it is that you need from him and communicate it to him in a loving way!

Haha! CatholicRaven, my cooking skills are pretty grim, if i marry and heard that deal, the house would be spotless in recordbreaking time!! I’m sure ur husband would LOVE to accept that deal!!!

 

[fpt]

I was wondering if it is totally necessary for spouses to have the same so called “love language”, which are the ways that people express love and affection for one another. These commonly include: touch, gifts, words of affirmation, quality time, and acts of service.

for married couples here, how do you and your spouse differ? If so, how do you communicate and grow more intimate? Are some of yours the same and others different?

thanks!

Jerry

In the couple, each one has the right of using the touching and each one has the obligation of being okay with the touching in order to express the love: that is almost non negociable. The mutual and reciprocal donation of bodies during the marital act and/or out of the marital act, in link with the natural moral order.

The other love languages are very important because we are body and soul. Each one has to try to agree with the other languages, it is an obligations of means. The conjugal charity is to try to offer and to receive all the love languages.

sacrifices, efforts and communication are very important.

 

[JackieMom]

Robert789,

I think your posts are very insightful, and show an understanding and appreciation for the marital act, as well as for the “love languages” and communication between spouses. When God guides you at last to your spouse, it will be worth the wait, and you both will truly be blessed.

I agree with you that most likely, these men’s emotional needs (their “love languages”) are being met by their wives within the marital act–and, as I said, I see nothing wrong with that!

If sex truly was a man’s only “love language,” his only way of expressing love and feeling loved, then how would he “hear” love from others besides his wife–such as his children, parents, siblings, and friends? Would these simply be one-way relationships, and the poor guy, even though he could show* them love in other ways, wouldn’t feel loved *by these people in his life? If true, I would feel very bad for him. What a rough cross that would be to bear!

And I have to say, I love to cook, but if my husband was willing to do all the housework (or even most of it) in exchange for more sex, wow… that would be a deal I’d be happy to make!

Haha. We have a pretty good arrangement… People always ask how my house is so clean with four kids, and I have to tell them - I have a pretty happy husband… Right now I’m massively pregnant so not only is he getting a lot less intimacy, but he’s having to do more housework, cooking and childcare too. I will have a lot to reimburse him for

 

[Robert789]

I will have a lot to reimburse him for

I’m sure your husband wont say no to that!! Haha!!

May God bless your family and especially your newest family member May God keep you all safe, well and happy.

• and congratulations too

 

[CatholicRaven]

for married couples here, how do you and your spouse differ? If so, how do you communicate and grow more intimate? Are some of yours the same and others different?

I missed this ^ part of the OP the first time around, sorry!
I think I mentioned that my husband’s love language is Physical Touch, with Words of Affirmation and Acts of Service being tied for a close second (as in, just a one-point difference). Today, he took the test again and AoS was first, with PT and WoA tied for second.

Mine are Quality Time and Words of Affirmation (equally).

So, in one aspect, we have a lot of options for showing each other love. However, we’ve also found that if we only focus on one area or “language,” we will start “craving” the other(s) that is(are) high on the list, as well… which may be why his scores were slightly different today (I haven’t done as many Acts of Service for him lately). So it’s both a blessing and a struggle at times for us to be “multilingual.”

Generally, our usual weekday goes something like this:

• He is careful not to wake me when he gets up for work, so I can get a little more sleep. (Even though this isn’t my LL, I understand that he does this out of love as an AoS.)
• I take care of the kids and do the housework, run errands as necessary, and anything he has specifically asked me to do (various AoS). I might also plan or do some small special thing for him as I have time, such as writing him a love note (WoA/RG).
• Around lunchtime, he sends me a text asking about my day or just reminding me that he loves me (WoA).
• When he gets home, sometimes he brings me a pop (RG–not my main LL, but still appreciated).
• I welcome him home with a long hug and kiss (PT) and then let him “unwind” for a bit while I keep the kids busy (AoS).
• After a bit, he sits with me and we talk, or he asks me to run with him to the gas station or something, just so we can have a few uninterrupted minutes together to talk (QT). We nearly always hold hands in the car (PT). Usually he compliments me, as well (WoA.)*
• After that, I supervise and help the kids with their chores, and he usually works on a maintenance project around the house (AoS). If we pass by each other doing various things, one of us will usually touch the other in some positive way or we’ll hug for a bit (PT) or sometimes we have an impromptu slow dance in the living room (PT/QT).
• Then he generally spends time with the kids (QT) while I cook dinner (AoS).
• After dinner, we might watch a DVD, or play a game with the kids, or spend some more time talking together in depth (QT). If we talk, this is when I usually mention my respect, admiration, appreciation, and love for him (WoA). If we don’t spend the time talking, then these compliments (and touches) are saved for bedtime.
• After we get the kids to bed, we spend a few minutes cuddling in bed, or sometimes more (PT). We try to always say, “I love you” before going to sleep (WoA), even when we’re arguing or upset with each other. Generally, I will get up for a bit after he goes to sleep (I’m more of a night owl), and I try to make sure he has what he needs in the morning (AoS).
• Occasionally on a weeknight, we will go out (just the two of us). On those nights, we try to combine QT, WoA, PT, and AoS. Every now and then, one or both of us will also throw in a gift, just for good measure.

*I should mention that, even though we nearly always reply in kind to the other saying, “I love you,” we only occasionally compliment each other within the same conversation, because it seems to become a sort of cause-effect thing–you compliment me, so I compliment you back–and then, no matter how sincere it is, it can start to “feel” like an obligation or an automatic response, rather than an expression of love or appreciation. So we’ve learned to simply accept compliments with thanks, rather than returning them right away most of the time.