Is it wise to begin dating without knowing whether one is called to marriage?

[Kamaduck]

To clarify the title, I know that you begin discernment with a specific person because you’re not sure yet whether you’re supposed to marry them. But what if you’re not sure you’re called to marriage at all, with anyone?

I’m a 17-year-old girl who’s going away to college next school year, and I don’t have anyone in particular in mind. I’m asking in general- I like to have answers to these questions before they become a concern. I don’t know whether I’m called to marriage. I don’t even know how I would know if I were. I’m kind of OK with the idea of living the generous single life, but then I find myself looking forward to having a family when I grow up, so I don’t know.

I guess I’m asking two things. First, how will I know whether I’m called to marriage or something else? And second, is it wise to go on dates with people (or even have romantic relationships) if I’m not yet sure whether I’m supposed to eventually be married?

I know there are a ton of very wise and intelligent people on this site (both married and single), so I figured it wouldn’t hurt to ask.

 

[Christy_Beth]

Well, my main bit of advice is to not rush things. I did that once and ended up in a marriage that was never meant to be. I’ve been divorced since 1987, and some days it still hurts. Right now, at my age, I’m still trying to decern if I will eventually remarry or not. Oh, the marriage and divorce were years before I became a Catholic. About a year after I entered the Church I went through the annulment bit. Trying to put into writing what I had gone through was tough.

But I see no problem with dating, just keep it simple for now. Because, if you are called to marry, you won’t know the when and the who unless you are dating. Also, you may find that you are called to be single. I haven’t been around men much, as in, I haven’t had a “real” date for years. But I’m learning to accept that, at least for now, I’m to be single. God may still bring someone into my life, but it hasn’t happened yet. You may find yourself in a similar situation. So, as you head off for college, use it to learn as much as you can. And that would count stuff that you learn outside the classroom as well.

 

[Iheartcoffee]

Dating could be a way to discern. Look at dates as a way to let God bring your spouse into your life if that is the plan. If it is not then plan, then just pray that you learn and grow from the experience.

After all, if you ARE called to marriage and you never go on a date, then you probably won’t ever meet your spouse.

 

[Petaro]

I believe that this discernment thing is a way to over analyze our emotions. At seventeen you should be full of life expecting new adventures of college and making new friends.
If and when you meet a bloke you can click with, you will not be staring at your navel believe me. Go out and enjoy what God has to offer you in this wonderful time of your life.
Life is what happens whilst we are planning it.

 

[Linusthe2nd]

To clarify the title, I know that you begin discernment with a specific person because you’re not sure yet whether you’re supposed to marry them. But what if you’re not sure you’re called to marriage at all, with anyone?

I’m a 17-year-old girl who’s going away to college next school year, and I don’t have anyone in particular in mind. I’m asking in general- I like to have answers to these questions before they become a concern. I don’t know whether I’m called to marriage. I don’t even know how I would know if I were. I’m kind of OK with the idea of living the generous single life, but then I find myself looking forward to having a family when I grow up, so I don’t know.

I guess I’m asking two things. First, how will I know whether I’m called to marriage or something else? And second, is it wise to go on dates with people (or even have romantic relationships) if I’m not yet sure whether I’m supposed to eventually be married?

I know there are a ton of very wise and intelligent people on this site (both married and single), so I figured it wouldn’t hurt to ask.

You are not too young to date. However, it would be better to socialize in groop settings at first. No need to date at all if you don’t fee like it, plenty of ways to spend your free time. You could even volunteer. If you are going to a non-Catholic school, you should definitely join the Newman Club and stay active in the Church. If you do start dating, absolutely avoid " relationships, " do not engage in intimacies of any kind - that is for marriage. Sounds old fashioned, but it is the safest way - and don’t allow some Slick to talk you into anything.

Linus2nd

 

[ClearWater]

Start off as friends. Later, decide if you want to date.

 

[Suslar]

The purpose of dating is to find a spouse,. If you are not sure of your vocation to marriage, it is ok to postpone dating. And, as other posters wrote, it’s ok to explore group settings so that you can interact with men and discern God’s will. It might be wise to find a good, faithful spiritual director.

 

[RinoaHeartilly]

To clarify the title, I know that you begin discernment with a specific person because you’re not sure yet whether you’re supposed to marry them. But what if you’re not sure you’re called to marriage at all, with anyone?

I’m a 17-year-old girl who’s going away to college next school year, and I don’t have anyone in particular in mind. I’m asking in general- I like to have answers to these questions before they become a concern. I don’t know whether I’m called to marriage. I don’t even know how I would know if I were. I’m kind of OK with the idea of living the generous single life, but then I find myself looking forward to having a family when I grow up, so I don’t know.

I guess I’m asking two things. First, how will I know whether I’m called to marriage or something else? And second, is it wise to go on dates with people (or even have romantic relationships) if I’m not yet sure whether I’m supposed to eventually be married?

I know there are a ton of very wise and intelligent people on this site (both married and single), so I figured it wouldn’t hurt to ask.

Hello, fellow 17-year-old female Catholic!

When I start college in the fall (already got accepted into my first choice! :yyeess, I plan on seriously dating (once I’m settled into my classes), to see if I’m also destined to have a husband and family. I can picture myself as both a single, independent woman and a married woman with a family. Just not sure which one will play out yet. You won’t know if you’re called to the married life until you start dating, though, and see if you meet a man you want to marry.

To answer your second question, I think it would be wise to only go out with people you are attracted to or see yourself having a long-lasting relationship with that person (that would eventually lead to marriage). Don’t date for the sake of dating.

 

[Kamaduck]

Thanks for the replies, everybody.

I already have several male friends from my high school, and I spend lots of time in groups due to school activities. When I go to college, I’m going to join new groups, get new friends, and join Christian/Catholic groups to help me stay in touch with my faith. I’m not going to rush into dating.

I know it’s OK to postpone dating, and I know it’s OK to start dating at my age if that’s what I want to do. I just… Don’t really have any strong feelings about it. I think Petaro may be right about over-analyzing emotions, but I’m not totally sure what my emotions here are. I may not be sure until I have more data to work with, and that would require dating.

 

[suko]

I don’t know whether I’m called to marriage. I don’t even know how I would know if I were. I’m kind of OK with the idea of living the generous single life, but then I find myself looking forward to having a family when I grow up, so I don’t know.

It’s ok to not know, and at your age, most people don’t. When I was at that age, I wasn’t sure what I wanted to do with my life but I was thinking I would probably end up, at some point, being in the gaming/anime industry (somehow) and possibly married, and now, 10 or so years later, none of that has happened, and I find myself firmly desiring to stay single and to serve our Lord through a monastic vocation.

First, how will I know whether I’m called to marriage or something else?

If u don’t already strongly feel a particular calling to one thing or another, it is perfectly fine to continue to not date until u have a better idea to where u feel God may be calling u. Have u ever gone to a religious discernment retreat of some kind? It might help.

But I like ClearWater’s advice as well; Developing friendships with people first is, imo, the best way to start a relationship with someone. And if u feel God may be calling u to something more with that person, then sure, dating is the next best step.

And second, is it wise to go on dates with people (or even have romantic relationships) if I’m not yet sure whether I’m supposed to eventually be married?

If u don’t feel a strong calling towards the religious life (after having done some discernment and research on your part), it is more than likely you’d be called to the married life, especially if one already has that desire, which u said yourself, of having a family, So dates, I believe, would be fine, with those whom you’ve already developed a friendship with, and feel that God may be calling for something more between the 2 of u.

But do remember to always be open to the promptings of the Spirit, though. A lot of people that enter religious life, enter in their late 20s or 30s or 40s, so u never know!

I know there are a ton of very wise and intelligent people on this site (both married and single)

I don’t know where in the world u got this information from…
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but
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…
…
…
…
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your right! ~ There’s a lot of awesome people on here!

 

[EasterJoy]

Thanks for the replies, everybody.

I already have several male friends from my high school, and I spend lots of time in groups due to school activities. When I go to college, I’m going to join new groups, get new friends, and join Christian/Catholic groups to help me stay in touch with my faith. I’m not going to rush into dating.

I know it’s OK to postpone dating, and I know it’s OK to start dating at my age if that’s what I want to do. I just… Don’t really have any strong feelings about it. I think Petaro may be right about over-analyzing emotions, but I’m not totally sure what my emotions here are. I may not be sure until I have more data to work with, and that would require dating.

If someone asks you and the outing seems like something you want to do or you feel inclined to ask someone, then go on a date. If no one prompts you in that direction, then don’t. The only caveat I would offer is to be willing to act according to your own mind only (rather than letting anyone tell you what you “ought” to want or acting out of fear of any kind) and to be prudent enough to avoid near occasions of sin. On the latter point, I’d only remind you that natural desires can seize two people very suddenly, without either being aware that it was coming. I do not mean that this is a bad thing, but only that we are talking about a surprisingly powerful force, like a foot of flood water. You do not have to fear the force of your emotions, but do respect their power, as you would the power of water or fire. Keep that in mind, and you’ll do fine.

 

[SnowAngels]

To clarify the title, I know that you begin discernment with a specific person because you’re not sure yet whether you’re supposed to marry them. But what if you’re not sure you’re called to marriage at all, with anyone?

I’m a 17-year-old girl who’s going away to college next school year, and I don’t have anyone in particular in mind. I’m asking in general- I like to have answers to these questions before they become a concern. I don’t know whether I’m called to marriage. I don’t even know how I would know if I were. I’m kind of OK with the idea of living the generous single life, but then I find myself looking forward to having a family when I grow up, so I don’t know.

I guess I’m asking two things. First, how will I know whether I’m called to marriage or something else? And second, is it wise to go on dates with people (or even have romantic relationships) if I’m not yet sure whether I’m supposed to eventually be married?

I know there are a ton of very wise and intelligent people on this site (both married and single), so I figured it wouldn’t hurt to ask.

In my humble opinion, one should not date unless they are ready to seriously think about marriage, and to only date someone you’d consider to be a possible choice of spouse.

 

[Kamaduck]

It’s ok to not know, and at your age, most people don’t. When I was at that age, I wasn’t sure what I wanted to do with my life but I was thinking I would probably end up, at some point, being in the gaming/anime industry (somehow) and possibly married, and now, 10 or so years later, none of that has happened, and I find myself firmly desiring to stay single and to serve our Lord through a monastic vocation.

If u don’t already strongly feel a particular calling to one thing or another, it is perfectly fine to continue to not date until u have a better idea to where u feel God may be calling u. Have u ever gone to a religious discernment retreat of some kind? It might help.

But I like ClearWater’s advice as well; Developing friendships with people first is, imo, the best way to start a relationship with someone. And if u feel God may be calling u to something more with that person, then sure, dating is the next best step.

If u don’t feel a strong calling towards the religious life (after having done some discernment and research on your part), it is more than likely you’d be called to the married life, especially if one already has that desire, which u said yourself, of having a family, So dates, I believe, would be fine, with those whom you’ve already developed a friendship with, and feel that God may be calling for something more between the 2 of u.

But do remember to always be open to the promptings of the Spirit, though. A lot of people that enter religious life, enter in their late 20s or 30s or 40s, so u never know!

I don’t know where in the world u got this information from…
…
…
but
…
…
…
…
…
…
your right! ~ There’s a lot of awesome people on here!

Thanks. I’ve thought about religious life, but I don’t feel pulled towards that, either. I don’t really think it’s for me. I could look into it more, though.

I suppose whatever happens, happens. I’ll focus on having friendships first… But if anything does come up, I think I’m just going to try dating even if I have no idea whether it’s headed anywhere. Because if I wait to be a certain percent sure, knowing me, I’ll never end up making any decisions.

 

[tawny]

Dating could be a way to discern. Look at dates as a way to let God bring your spouse into your life if that is the plan. If it is not then plan, then just pray that you learn and grow from the experience.

After all, if you ARE called to marriage and you never go on a date, then you probably won’t ever meet your spouse.

 

[Kamaduck]

If someone asks you and the outing seems like something you want to do or you feel inclined to ask someone, then go on a date. If no one prompts you in that direction, then don’t. The only caveat I would offer is to be willing to act according to your own mind only (rather than letting anyone tell you what you “ought” to want or acting out of fear of any kind) and to be prudent enough to avoid near occasions of sin. On the latter point, I’d only remind you that natural desires can seize two people very suddenly, without either being aware that it was coming. I do not mean that this is a bad thing, but only that we are talking about a surprisingly powerful force, like a foot of flood water. You do not have to fear the force of your emotions, but do respect their power, as you would the power of water or fire. Keep that in mind, and you’ll do fine.

Thank you, EasterJoy. You always give good advice to people.

I think that’s what I’m going to have to do- take appropriate precautions, but not doubt myself if anybody interests me. I’ve been known to doubt myself a lot, so maybe your advice to “act according to my your own mind only” is just what I need to hear.

I really do overthink this stuff. I think it’s going to be fine.

In my humble opinion, one should not date unless they are ready to seriously think about marriage, and to only date someone you’d consider to be a possible choice of spouse.

See… I think if I wait to be serious about something, it’s never going to happen. Regardless of whether I want it or not, I’ll never be able to convince myself that I want it enough to merit action.

Yep. Looks like I’ve made up my mind not to make up my mind until I have additional information. To test the waters cautiously without knowing whether or not I’ll ever want to jump in.

Thanks everybody. I feel better now.

 

[EasterJoy]

Thanks. I’ve thought about religious life, but I don’t feel pulled towards that, either. I don’t really think it’s for me. I could look into it more, though.

I suppose whatever happens, happens. I’ll focus on having friendships first… But if anything does come up, I think I’m just going to try dating even if I have no idea whether it’s headed anywhere. Because if I wait to be a certain percent sure, knowing me, I’ll never end up making any decisions.

The question changes a lot when a particular person asks you out or interests you. It is very hard to get excited about some unknown guy wanting to take you Heaven-only-knows-where to do who-knows-what. IOW, it’s hard to sell yourself a pig in a poke.

Whatever you do, feel free to politely turn someone down who asks when you do not feel inclined to go on a date, and do not feel a need to give a reason other than, “Hmmm…I don’t think so. Thank you, but I don’t think so.” Reasons will hurt the tender-hearted and only give the bold ones an opening to argue with you. A simple, “thanks, but no thanks” is the best route. Don’t let them guilt you into changing your mind by acting pathetic. The guy will live, just as you would survive if someone who excited you turned you down. Not fun, but not the end of the world.

If you would like a date with the person but do not like the outing proposed, say so. Again, you don’t need to give a reason. Just say, “I don’t want to do X, but I think Y might be nice, if you’d like.” If they start bargaining, just say, “Today, I’m offering Y. If it doesn’t appeal to you, oh well. Maybe you’ll find someone else who wants to do X. If you do, have a nice time!”

 

[suko]

Whatever you do, feel free to politely turn someone down who asks when you do not feel inclined to go on a date, and do not feel a need to give a reason other than, “Hmmm…I don’t think so. Thank you, but I don’t think so.” Reasons will hurt the tender-hearted and only give the bold ones an opening to argue with you. A simple, “thanks, but no thanks” is the best route. Don’t let them guilt you into changing your mind by acting pathetic. The guy will live, just as you would survive if someone who excited you turned you down. Not fun, but not the end of the world.

Yes, definitely do not date just anyone that asks u out. I would try to keep dates to only with people that share the same beliefs, or at least, very similar. Since you’re Catholic, it is your duty, if u ever have children, to raise them Catholic. Believe me, I’ve heard all the horror stories when the husband or the wife takes their faith seriously, and the other doesn’t care one bit; it can get very, very ugly to say the least.

 

[phil_at_dayboro]

At 17 would anyone really know ?
At 17 I would think your still finding your feet, I wouldn’t think a person starts dating with the purpose of marriage at the age of 17 … You should be finding and making friends with people of similar age and interests… then all by itself you will like someone a little more than others and hopefully that person might like you,then bingo… nature will take it’s course

 

[Mrs_Sally]

You are not too young to date. However, it would be better to socialize in groop settings at first. No need to date at all if you don’t fee like it, plenty of ways to spend your free time. You could even volunteer. If you are going to a non-Catholic school, you should definitely join the Newman Club and stay active in the Church. If you do start dating, absolutely avoid " relationships, " do not engage in intimacies of any kind - that is for marriage. Sounds old fashioned, but it is the safest way - and don’t allow some Slick to talk you into anything.

Linus2nd

This is excellent advice and more or less what my daughter away at college is doing. Even if you aren’t sure if you are called to marriage, there is nothing wrong with meeting new people - including young men and becoming friends. As you meet people in your classes, activities, and at the campus ministry, you will naturally figure out whether you want to date any of the men. And then decide if you want to be more involved with one in particular. Even if you do discern religious life or single life, having gone on a few dates while in college won’t disqualify you.

Keep your heart safe, but have fun! Chastity is a beautiful thing.

 

[angelic06]

To clarify the title, I know that you begin discernment with a specific person because you’re not sure yet whether you’re supposed to marry them. But what if you’re not sure you’re called to marriage at all, with anyone?

I’m a 17-year-old girl who’s going away to college next school year, and I don’t have anyone in particular in mind. I’m asking in general- I like to have answers to these questions before they become a concern. I don’t know whether I’m called to marriage. I don’t even know how I would know if I were. I’m kind of OK with the idea of living the generous single life, but then I find myself looking forward to having a family when I grow up, so I don’t know.

I guess I’m asking two things. First, how will I know whether I’m called to marriage or something else? And second, is it wise to go on dates with people (or even have romantic relationships) if I’m not yet sure whether I’m supposed to eventually be married?

I know there are a ton of very wise and intelligent people on this site (both married and single), so I figured it wouldn’t hurt to ask.

I see nothing wrong with dating at your age, as long as you keep your studies as your first priority. Me, my first date was when I was 26 (2009).