Is it wrong for me to feel this way...advise appreciated-vent

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iluvmybabies

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Hi again, sorry again for the blabber and bother, but I have been feeling a bit, I dunno, just sad…or angry or both…
I was having such a good Christmas and New year until yesterday/this morning…

My bf and I spent all day together with my children, went to see a movie together, etc… Enjoyed our time together. We kissed goodnight and he left home around 11:30 pm…really late but it was fine, we were having fun time playing UNO with the kids on the xbox… Since I had to be at work early this morning, I reminded him that I needed him to be here to babysit for me, and thanked him for his help. He ensured me that he had his alarm set on but that before he was going to bed he was going to get on xbox live and play with some friends. I asked him to please not stay up that late because he has trouble getting up early… He told me he would be here on time…

Well one of my dogs was really fussy last night, and kept waking me up… I finally gave in around 3 am… I usually leave my tv on, it’s my night light, and since my children and I are gamers we have the xbox on as well…and last night we were on playing uno…

Well I glanced over and saw my db gamertag on… I was like HUH? And I sent him a message asking him if he knew what time it was?? He was like “Oh my how time flies, I am getting off after this game!” I reminded him that I did have to be at work and he volunteered to help me with my kids, he does get paid for it, of course, I don’t just leave him without paying him for his help…and I appreciate his help…and thank him often…and he responded to me with this “I spent all day with you and the children, what’s the big deal? I told you I was going to get online for a bit, I am just hanging with some friends and playing some video games why is that such a problem?” I was like “ok bye!!”

Maybe it was wrong for me to say anything to him but there has been an occassion or two when I have been really late because he hasn’t shown up to help me with my children…and I am the only source of income for my babies and myself at the moment so I need my job…

We told each other we loved each other and good night and I went back to bed… I couldn’t go back to sleep…
 
I tossed and turned, I sometimes do have problems sleeping but it’s not that often… SO I have been up since 3 am…
At 5 am I got up to watch some tv and take a bath, looked at the screen and he was still on!!! I asked him again if he knew that I he was supposed to help me with my children, maybe it was wrong, but I did ask him… He responded with “I spend all my time with you and the children, I wanted to spend some time on my own why does that bother you? What’s your problem? I can’t believe you are still up on this!! I told you I love you I will see you later!” I was like hello remember my kids, OMG I can’t believe you are saying this to me, am I are we a sacrifice that you have to sacrifice for? What are you trying to tell me that you spend time with us because I want you to not because you want to??" He was like “no that’s not what I meant! Look what’s the big deal so I stayed up a little late!!” I was like you have trouble getting up early that’s why your jobs have always been 2nd or 3rd shift jobs you are not a morning person and you promised you would help me with the kids how are you going to still be here on time?"

He ignored me and within seconds after I sent him the message he put his gamertag offline…

I am not even sure if he was offline or got off all together… 😦

I came to work an hour early…He didn’t show up to take care of my kids. My daughter called me 30 minutes ago to tell me that he finally showed up, and he passed out on the couch. I left my kids alone, I sent him a reminder message, and I left my rott with my children, gave my daughter the house phone and told her if anything happened before he got there to call the cops first and then me… I know she’s only 10 and that was wrong for me to do, but I didn’t have anyone else to babysit for me, I even tried to get ahold of my neighbor and no one answered…

I asked her to put him on the phone but he grabbed it and hung it up…and mumbles “ill call her later!”

I called my daughter back up she told me she was going to go back to bed… I let her know I would appreciate her if she did…

I feel hurt…bothered, upset, angry, so many feelings all at once… I don’t know why…

I feel as if I was betrayed or something and I don’t want to feel this way. I started crying out of nowhere on my way to work and I hate it when I do that… It bothers me so much but I was feeling so angry and scared for leaving my kids alone…And at him for making me feel as if he didn’t care…

Maybe this is stupid with so many people having worst problems I come and bother with such simpleton feelings but I am scared… I mean we have been together for a while and new surprises come up…It’s like uhm who in the world is this???

I know people change I have changed too I mean when I first met him I was half the woman I am today, but my personality is the same, so it kind of leaves me baffled when he surprises me with such actions…

I know he needs his own time and independence, I don’t have any problem with that…BUT I don’t know why I feel this way… I am not manipulative nor trying to control him at all. I love his individuality and the fact that he is his own person I wouldn’t change that ever…

He’s done something like this to me one other time but it was in the beginning of our dating when we weren’t really serious, he ditched me for his bff, I know it sounds horrible but I mean there’s that saying that goes, bros before girls, or something like that and his bff had caught his wife cheating and was talking crazy suicidal stuff so it was an emergency kind of sort of, which in the end they ended up beating each other bloody and bruised up and all… It was so stupid, I had to take care of his wounds after all the commotion but they got their frustrations out and they love each other to death!! 🤷 Anyhow…

Maybe I just needed to talk about this with someone…

When he does these kinds of things it makes me think back what my famiy and his family want for him, you know, since he’s several years younger than me and never been married, no kids, etc, and I have been married and have 3 kids, it makes me feel like “ok maybe you should let him go and enjoy his youth while he can instead of continuing with this ‘family’ that you wanna have?!” I don’t know it makes me doubt myself… BECAUSE everyone has been such a darn influence of negativity it brings these thoughts back unwillingly…

I mean what would you do, how would you react to this??? I haven’t talked to him yet, but I am afraid I will be too angry and make rash statements to him and I don’t want to do that… I love him and care for him and I know he loves me too…

BUT if he needs to be alone more often all he has to do is be honest with me you know? Instead he made me feel like he “forces” himself to be with us… I don’t know how to start a conversation with him without hurting him or saying something that he might take the wrong way… How do I ask him why he makes me feel this way???

UGH… Men are so difficult to understand… I went from a terrible marriage to a good relationship to all of a sudden this misunderstanding that has angered me so much because it reminds me of the little games my ex used to play on me!! 😦

I know I shouldn’t compare but sometimes you know all it takes is a bad moment to feel so helpless and hurt without really wanting to feel that way…

Maybe I am making a big deal out of it… But I just don’t like how I am feeling…😦
 
iluvmybabies said:
I tossed and turned, I sometimes do have problems sleeping but it’s not that often… SO I have been up since 3 am…
At 5 am I got up to watch some tv and take a bath, looked at the screen and he was still on!!! I asked him again if he knew that I he was supposed to help me with my children, maybe it was wrong, but I did ask him… He responded with “I spend all my time with you and the children, I wanted to spend some time on my own why does that bother you? What’s your problem? I can’t believe you are still up on this!! I told you I love you I will see you later!” I was like hello remember my kids, OMG I can’t believe you are saying this to me, am I are we a sacrifice that you have to sacrifice for? What are you trying to tell me that you spend time with us because I want you to not because you want to??" He was like “no that’s not what I meant! Look what’s the big deal so I stayed up a little late!!” I was like you have trouble getting up early that’s why your jobs have always been 2nd or 3rd shift jobs you are not a morning person and you promised you would help me with the kids how are you going to still be here on time?"

He ignored me and within seconds after I sent him the message he put his gamertag offline…

I am not even sure if he was offline or got off all together… 😦

I came to work an hour early…He didn’t show up to take care of my kids. My daughter called me 30 minutes ago to tell me that he finally showed up, and he passed out on the couch. I left my kids alone, I sent him a reminder message, and I left my rott with my children, gave my daughter the house phone and told her if anything happened before he got there to call the cops first and then me… I know she’s only 10 and that was wrong for me to do, but I didn’t have anyone else to babysit for me, I even tried to get ahold of my neighbor and no one answered…

I asked her to put him on the phone but he grabbed it and hung it up…and mumbles “ill call her later!”

I called my daughter back up she told me she was going to go back to bed… I let her know I would appreciate her if she did…

I feel hurt…bothered, upset, angry, so many feelings all at once… I don’t know why…

I feel as if I was betrayed or something and I don’t want to feel this way. I started crying out of nowhere on my way to work and I hate it when I do that… It bothers me so much but I was feeling so angry and scared for leaving my kids alone…And at him for making me feel as if he didn’t care…

Maybe this is stupid with so many people having worst problems I come and bother with such simpleton feelings but I am scared… I mean we have been together for a while and new surprises come up…It’s like uhm who in the world is this???

I know people change I have changed too I mean when I first met him I was half the woman I am today, but my personality is the same, so it kind of leaves me baffled when he surprises me with such actions…

I know he needs his own time and independence, I don’t have any problem with that…BUT I don’t know why I feel this way… I am not manipulative nor trying to control him at all. I love his individuality and the fact that he is his own person I wouldn’t change that ever…

He’s done something like this to me one other time but it was in the beginning of our dating when we weren’t really serious, he ditched me for his bff, I know it sounds horrible but I mean there’s that saying that goes, bros before girls, or something like that and his bff had caught his wife cheating and was talking crazy suicidal stuff so it was an emergency kind of sort of, which in the end they ended up beating each other bloody and bruised up and all… It was so stupid, I had to take care of his wounds after all the commotion but they got their frustrations out and they love each other to death!! 🤷 Anyhow…

Maybe I just needed to talk about this with someone…

When he does these kinds of things it makes me think back what my famiy and his family want for him, you know, since he’s several years younger than me and never been married, no kids, etc, and I have been married and have 3 kids, it makes me feel like “ok maybe you should let him go and enjoy his youth while he can instead of continuing with this ‘family’ that you wanna have?!” I don’t know it makes me doubt myself… BECAUSE everyone has been such a darn influence of negativity it brings these thoughts back unwillingly…

I mean what would you do, how would you react to this??? I haven’t talked to him yet, but I am afraid I will be too angry and make rash statements to him and I don’t want to do that… I love him and care for him and I know he loves me too…

BUT if he needs to be alone more often all he has to do is be honest with me you know? Instead he made me feel like he “forces” himself to be with us… I don’t know how to start a conversation with him without hurting him or saying something that he might take the wrong way… How do I ask him why he makes me feel this way???

UGH… Men are so difficult to understand… I went from a terrible marriage to a good relationship to all of a sudden this misunderstanding that has angered me so much because it reminds me of the little games my ex used to play on me!! 😦

I know I shouldn’t compare but sometimes you know all it takes is a bad moment to feel so helpless and hurt without really wanting to feel that way…

Maybe I am making a big deal out of it… But I just don’t like how I am feeling…😦
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Are you at work right now? How were you able to type such a long post while you were at work. Is it dead since it’s the day after New Years?
 
noclevername said:
Are you at work right now? How were you able to type such a long post while you were at work. Is it dead since it’s the day after New Years?
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Yes I am and yes… half of the employees are on vacation and well no calls at all this morning… It’s a good thing but not so good it makes the day go by really slow… 😦
 
Find a new babysitter, seriously. You two should seek SERIOUS premarital counseling before getting married. Several red flags that you should work through before committing to this guy. I wouldn’t feel comfortable leaving my children with a person who is going to sleep all day–that’s not safe.
 
Jennifer_J said:
Find a new babysitter, seriously. You two should seek SERIOUS premarital counseling before getting married. Several red flags that you should work through before committing to this guy. I wouldn’t feel comfortable leaving my children with a person who is going to sleep all day–that’s not safe.
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Well this is the first time he does this… Yes it kind of scares me, yes definitely!! And yes you are right I do need to find me a new babysitter but right now I can’t afford anything else…

Right now my kids are asleep so I am not really worried, I was worried though when he didn’t show up, and he was 30 mins late… He told my daugther that he thought he was 30 mins early! As I had feared, he did forget I had to be in at work earlier today…

My daughter knows how to take care of herself and her siblings, enough to make their own breakfast… I raised my siblings since I was 10, my mother had to work and she couldn’t afford a babysitter… I don’t do that to my daughter but I have taught her the basics, such as making pbj with the squeezing bottle and a spoon to spread it, and they don’t have to make a toasted bread, and they have their plastic cups in case they want milk… This is for the times when they wanted a snack and I was busy with my school work… So I am not afraid that she will do something she shouldn’t…I am afraid if someone breaks in the house and my kids would have been alone.

Yes, these are trying times, but even though, I mean I don’t live with him, and I do have kids so that makes things a little more complicated when it comes to relationships with single moms…AND trying to make things work… 😦
 
I think he just wants some time to himself and that’s not a bad thing. Everyone needs it. So he wanted to stay up and play games, he’s a big boy and he doesn’t have to ask you first. If you don’t like it, then don’t have him watch your kids. You are paying him, so just pay someone else.
 
happymommy said:
I think he just wants some time to himself and that’s not a bad thing. Everyone needs it. So he wanted to stay up and play games, he’s a big boy and he doesn’t have to ask you first. If you don’t like it, then don’t have him watch your kids. You are paying him, so just pay someone else.
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But why hide it or lie about it… I mean when I tell him I am going to go with so and so to the mall and be back late i’ll call you when I can, I mean it… You know? I don’t tell him I’ll be back in a couple of hours I’ll call you at this time or something like that… He said he was going to be on playing for a while not ten hours straight… Yes you are right, he is a big boy and I am not asking him to you know tell me what he does or won’t do or permission or for him to ask me for permission… I mean he’s been pretty much on his own since he was 17 so I mean I am no one for him to you know be in need of permission asking… He just had to be honest with me and he didn’t really have to tell me all that he said he really did make me feel like he was sacrificing himself to spend time with us… AND I don’t want to be something he has to sacrifice his passions or joys or loves for you know?

It isn’t that I don’t like it… I don’t mind, I play too… Before he came into my life, and after my children went to bed, that was my adult time!! :o Well still is…

It’s just that if he really feels the need to be alone more often than none I would appreciate it if he could just tell me…

I mean we give each other space when we both need it… there were times before that I was just not having a good day at all and I would tell him I really need to be alone right now, as soon as I feel better I’ll call you. AND as much as it would hurt him to leave me alone when he wanted to shelter me and take care of me he did it, even though he swore he kept looking at the phone, and email and hoping I would send him a message asking him to talk to me or something…

We are really good friends and have always been honest with each other… That’s why this kind of has me :confused:

I didn’t get to see him and I think it’s a good thing I didn’t really get to see him this morning, because I got to get on here and vent about it… Like I said maybe I did make a big deal out of it… but it just kind of I don’t know left me a bit…:confused: 🤷

I don’t pay him a salary, really I don’t… It’s more like enough to help him and not break me… No one around here is willing to take what I pay him for 3 kids… I mean they’d accept it for one kid… 🤷
 
I’d treat it as two separate issues.
He wanted to stay up all night and play games, fine. He’s a grown man (assuming) and he doesn’t need anyone’s permission nor approval!
He agreed to be responsible for your children while you were at work. If he was not responsible, then don’t ask him to watch them in the morning anymore.

I didn’t read through all your posting, but if he is an otherwise responsible, good man, I wouldn’t make too big of a deal about this one occurrence. Keep your eyes wide open about him, and keep a realistic perspective (what’s truly important in a man-vs- an occasional goof).
 
iluvmybabies said:
But why hide it or lie about it… I mean when I tell him I am going to go with so and so to the mall and be back late i’ll call you when I can, I mean it… You know? I don’t tell him I’ll be back in a couple of hours I’ll call you at this time or something like that… He said he was going to be on playing for a while not ten hours straight… Yes you are right, he is a big boy and I am not asking him to you know tell me what he does or won’t do or permission or for him to ask me for permission… I mean he’s been pretty much on his own since he was 17 so I mean I am no one for him to you know be in need of permission asking… He just had to be honest with me and he didn’t really have to tell me all that he said he really did make me feel like he was sacrificing himself to spend time with us… AND I don’t want to be something he has to sacrifice his passions or joys or loves for you know?

It isn’t that I don’t like it… I don’t mind, I play too… Before he came into my life, and after my children went to bed, that was my adult time!! :o Well still is…

It’s just that if he really feels the need to be alone more often than none I would appreciate it if he could just tell me…

I mean we give each other space when we both need it… there were times before that I was just not having a good day at all and I would tell him I really need to be alone right now, as soon as I feel better I’ll call you. AND as much as it would hurt him to leave me alone when he wanted to shelter me and take care of me he did it, even though he swore he kept looking at the phone, and email and hoping I would send him a message asking him to talk to me or something…

We are really good friends and have always been honest with each other… That’s why this kind of has me :confused:

I didn’t get to see him and I think it’s a good thing I didn’t really get to see him this morning, because I got to get on here and vent about it… Like I said maybe I did make a big deal out of it… but it just kind of I don’t know left me a bit…:confused: 🤷

I don’t pay him a salary, really I don’t… It’s more like enough to help him and not break me… No one around here is willing to take what I pay him for 3 kids… I mean they’d accept it for one kid… 🤷
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Maybe he didn’t plan to be on there all night, but was having fun. I think you are making a bigger deal out of it. I don’t think he set out to lie to you. I have stayed up to read after everyone else goes to bed and get sucked into the book and the next thing I know it 4:00am. It happens, maybe he just needed to unwind. I don’t think he meant anything by saying he was with you all day. I’ve said it too, I’ve been with the kids all day and now I need to just be me. It’s not that I don’t love my kids, but sometimes you need to think of yourself too. Sounds like he puts you and the kids ahead of himself a lot and just needed some “me” time, nothing wrong with that.
 
If you play games too then you know how time can fly by when playing on line and hours have gone by before you realize it.

Sounds like the real problem is you are trying to teach him responsibility and you can’t teach him that. He’s an adult and he’s either going to be responsible or he’s not. The way you talk about him in this post is that he’s not responsible. You need to decide if you want a nonresponsible person taking care of your kids or as a husband.

But also remember that we all have our irresponsible moments. If this isn’t his norm, why are you worried about it? If it is, I would be worried about it.
 
I don’t know maybe I am trying to make an excuse to get mad at him because of my own issues… I mean I have been far from my family and another year without seeing them and ugh it’s been so frustrating and I got off the phone with my mom when my db was leaving and maybe that got me rowdied up to make a reason to start something with him… unwillingly…

Maybe it’s the fact that his brother’s wife believes she’s pg and she chose a name I told her I would love for a little girl, and it just got to me…

Maybe it’s the fact that my ex’s woman emailed me again asking me to let my ex see his children that I am keeping away from him…

I am just being an idiot…making a big deal out of what may be nothing you know?! I might just be taking it out of proportion… I am sorry I just got so upset with him I don’t know…if it was that he stayed up that late that bothered me or that he just wouldn’t tell me that he just really wants time alone or the feeling of him not really wanting to talk to me about it… I don’t know… I am glad I vented, I think I will just speak with him when I get home about it and be more calm about it… And if he does tell me he wants more time alone I am more than happy to respect that…
 
SarahR said:
I’d treat it as two separate issues.
He wanted to stay up all night and play games, fine. He’s a grown man (assuming) and he doesn’t need anyone’s permission nor approval!
He agreed to be responsible for your children while you were at work. If he was not responsible, then don’t ask him to watch them in the morning anymore.

I didn’t read through all your posting, but if he is an otherwise responsible, good man, I wouldn’t make too big of a deal about this one occurrence. Keep your eyes wide open about him, and keep a realistic perspective (what’s truly important in a man-vs- an occasional goof).
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Yes he is responsible that’s why it kind of got me all blah… And I mean like I said we are both gamers I know what happens when you get on but he’s never done that before… 😦

I will thanks…
 
happymommy said:
Maybe he didn’t plan to be on there all night, but was having fun. I think you are making a bigger deal out of it. I don’t think he set out to lie to you. I have stayed up to read after everyone else goes to bed and get sucked into the book and the next thing I know it 4:00am. It happens, maybe he just needed to unwind. I don’t think he meant anything by saying he was with you all day. I’ve said it too, I’ve been with the kids all day and now I need to just be me. It’s not that I don’t love my kids, but sometimes you need to think of yourself too. Sounds like he puts you and the kids ahead of himself a lot and just needed some “me” time, nothing wrong with that.
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Yeah I think so too… I mean his dad is a huge gamer too and this year well last year he too bought a 360 and got online, they play often together and sometimes his dad with play with my kids and with me, and on occassions I have seen his dad being offline for like 3 hours and it’s like 6 am meaning he was on 3 hours before…So I mean maybe I am just being an idiot… Yeah I know I do that with my reading too… Yeah I used to tell my exhusband that too when I was a stay at home mom, and he hated me for it… But seriously I didn’t even think about it that way… I know how you can lose track of time… sometimes I am so busy at work I don’t even get a lunch because I forgot to take a break!

Maybe I shouldn’t make a big deal out of it… Maybe I should just leave things be… If it happens again I think I will speak with him about it though, I think I should then… ???
 
noclevername said:
If you play games too then you know how time can fly by when playing on line and hours have gone by before you realize it.

Sounds like the real problem is you are trying to teach him responsibility and you can’t teach him that. He’s an adult and he’s either going to be responsible or he’s not. The way you talk about him in this post is that he’s not responsible. You need to decide if you want a nonresponsible person taking care of your kids or as a husband.

But also remember that we all have our irresponsible moments. If this isn’t his norm, why are you worried about it? If it is, I would be worried about it.
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I dunno maybe because I not used to his irresponsible moments… I mean I am irresponsible on occassions but not usually bout things like this…usually like I forget my keys, or my purse, or I don’t wash the dishes until late at night, or I don’t clean the house until the weekend, or I won’t wash clothes until the weekend or I won’t pay a bill till it’s like right due…

But I mean work and kids, that’s different… I dunno maybe I am seriously just making a big deal out of nothing…
 
I’d really suggest you go to the library and get some books by Dr. Laura.

She is not Catholic, however, her common sense and straight talk can be very very valuable.

drlaura.com/main/
 
I can somewhat understand you’re being upset…but, be careful to not smother this man. I have followed your threads about him, and especially for his age (26?) he sounds to be a very good role model for your kids, and loves you. But, be careful to not expect too much of him. If he crashes all day at your place, I would ask someone else to do the mornings, but remember…if you plan to marry this man, which I think you do–his habits will follow him into the marriage, and if he were your husband right now–you might not think as much of it. I would not like someone checking up on me (I’m not familiar with gaming, but my son plays online through his PS3) to keep asking me I intend to keep my promise. I understand your concern, but understand why he might be miffed about it. Have you talked to him since? I think you owe him an apology…for checking up on him. You only have three kids, not four. 😉 😛 If you feel like you need to baby him, smother him, etc…then, you both might not suitable to marry one another.

But, from my vantage point–I’d apologize, and not check up on him like that again. Unless he gives you a reason to doubt, then give him the benefit of the doubt. I hope things work out!
 
whatevergirl said:
I can somewhat understand you’re being upset…but, be careful to not smother this man. I have followed your threads about him, and especially for his age (26?) he sounds to be a very good role model for your kids, and loves you. But, be careful to not expect too much of him. If he crashes all day at your place, I would ask someone else to do the mornings, but remember…if you plan to marry this man, which I think you do–his habits will follow him into the marriage, and if he were your husband right now–you might not think as much of it. I would not like someone checking up on me (I’m not familiar with gaming, but my son plays online through his PS3) to keep asking me I intend to keep my promise. I understand your concern, but understand why he might be miffed about it. Have you talked to him since? I think you owe him an apology…for checking up on him. You only have three kids, not four. 😉 😛 If you feel like you need to baby him, smother him, etc…then, you both might not suitable to marry one another.

But, from my vantage point–I’d apologize, and not check up on him like that again. Unless he gives you a reason to doubt, then give him the benefit of the doubt. I hope things work out!
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Thanks for the advise whatevergirl, but I didn’t mean to check up on him… it was there I looked and I saw him on… I know he’s not my kid and it wasn’t done to treat him as such… BUT like I said for babysitting he and I made sure we had an understanding that it was still to be considered a job, since he needed the money and I need the babysitter. I mean he insisted since he said wants to be able to be close to my kids, since all of the issues between my daughter and her father… He felt he had the need to be there more for them…that they needed a friend and someone they could trust… He never went to a daycare and he appreciates his parents for that, so he was like “if i could keep your children in the comfort of their own home why not?”

So in that side it kind of frustrated me that he was irresponsible and was 30 minutes late… If I would have waited for him I would have been in serious trouble at work, that would have been my 3rd time in a period of 2 years…

No I haven’t spoken with him yet… BUT I will and I will apologize to him…for looking…

No I don’t have any problems with him playing video games nor being online I mean I am online all day long here at work… Doesn’t mean anything you know?!

I gotta remember old habits are hard to get rid of… And I have some terrible habits as well, such as biting my nails and not once has he told me anything about it… I know it bothers him because of his reaction when he sees me and reminds me how beautiful my hands and nails are… but you know it’s really hard to kill that habit since I am a nervous wreck all the time…

And I do think I made a big deal out of nothing…
 
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