Is it wrong for me to feel this way...advise appreciated-vent

[BamaRider]

Look it Luv, I’ve been reading your posts for several months. You have a lot goin on. Neighbors that dog ya, ex hubby givin ya a hard time, kids going here and there, and your relationship with this guy.

Does he have a job? I ain’t there so I don’t know much, but I fear if you marry this guy you’re gonna have kid #4. Where is he at when he’s not at your house? He’s 26 never been married right? Does HE fully understand a realtionship with you is package deal?

Do you have a relationship with his family? (parents, siblings?) Have you checked where he comes from? Friends? co-workers etc?

I’m sure he is a pretty good guy, but are you still getting to know him? I ask these questions because I’ve been around a lap or 2. I often see women, in your situation get taken advantage of by men who really just want a roof over their head, clothes washed, Xbox to play, and sex when they want it. Just step back and not look at him with rose colored glasses.

Where is this boys father? Has he been a good role model for him? Before you bring this guy in your house what does he have to contribute? You have to set the bar high sweetie.

Do you not get any money from you ex? Where is he or has he hit the road and want no part of y’all’s lives?

Ain’t nothing wrong with video games, heck I’ve been known to play PS2 till the wee hours. Its just plain fun to shoot stuff. But I KNEW to be at work in the morning, and better NOT be one minute late, because you would get wrote up. It wasn’t tolerated. People could not go home untill properly relieved.

Now all he had to do was be at your house on time, to look after the kids. He’s late and when he gets there he goes in a coma on the couch. Now c’mon.

 

[GracedUpon]

I’m gonna go against the general consensus of the other posters and tell you that I believe you are very justified in being upset with your bf. If he wants to stay up all night, fine, that’s his choice. He is a big boy, after all. It does sound like he needs more time to himself, which is fine, but it is his responsibility to communicate that to you clearly. If he doesn’t want to babysit for you every day, he needs to let you know ahead of time so you can find a replacement, even if it’s just a day or 2 a week. You need to make it clear to him that from this point on, it is not ok for him to sleep on the job (while babysitting your kids). But I also think that it shouldn’t be that big a deal if he takes a nap while the kids are still in bed–as long as it’s in the living room or an area where he will wake up and hear intruders coming into the house (which is what I gathered from your post to be the primary reason for needing a babysitter), or if there is an accident, injury, etc. Also, let him know that it is not ok for him to show up 30 mins late, because since you had to leave on time, you never know what could happen in 30 minutes when small children are without supervision. If your job were more flexible, then it wouldn’t be such a big deal, but if you’re on a three-strikes, no excuses kind of policy then there is no room for any babysitter, no matter who it is, to be late.

I’m thinking this is something you should discuss when your bf after you’ve cooled down a bit, so it doesn’t turn into a fight. Perhaps you could set up a plan where you find a different babysitter for one day a week or something, so he can have some more time to himself, because it sounds like he is pushing himself too hard, but not communicating his feelings with you.

God bless you and yours. I’ll pray that everything works out for you all.

 

[iluvmybabies]

Look it Luv, I’ve been reading your posts for several months. You have a lot goin on. Neighbors that dog ya, ex hubby givin ya a hard time, kids going here and there, and your relationship with this guy.

Does he have a job? I ain’t there so I don’t much, but I fear if you marry this guy you’re gonna have kid #4. Where is he at when he’s not at your house? He’s 26 never been married right? Does HE fully understand a realtionship with you is package deal?

He has been in serious relationships before, the first one ended up cheating on him, she said he was too nice, she left him when they graduated hs, he dated her for 2 years from when he was 16-18… then he dated another girl when he started school and that lasted another 2 years, she had an std and never told him, he ended up having sex with her for their 2nd year ann… He told his father that he was thinking that she might be the one…then his dad was like “remember to wait till marriage!” But asked him if he had sex with her, and when he confirmed he did he advised him to see a doctor…His father advised, and he decided to go because his father asked him to do so… He found out he had an std…It was a treatable one but he found out in the worst way…he was so disgusted he didn’t even want to talk to her… He went to see her and to talk to her, ask for an explanation, and since it was during his school hours, she was not expecting to see him and he caught her with one of his friends…She told him she loved him but sex only once a year was not a way of living… He told his friend he needed to get treated because she had an STD…

She moved to another state…

He stopped dating for several years, and dedicated to his hobbies, music, work and school… Then we met…When he’s not with me he’s with his parents they are very close, and work…and now school!!!

He did, and does, it’s only part time though because he’s trying to finish COLLEGE! He finally got into the whole finishing education rythm so I am supporting his decision to finish and graduate UN… I know I have to go back and finish my Bachelor’s I am just 1 year away…But been really hard right now to think about school with all that’s going on… So I am trying to help him as much as he helps me…

Do you have a relationship with his family? (parents, siblings?) Have checked where he comes from? Friends? co-workers etc?

Yes at first his mother loved me, then things went down the freaking hill… She couldn’t stand me for a while… All of a sudden for some strange reason though she has actually been kinder to me lately… Not sure what’s going on, but she has been and I am very thankful to GOD for that… She’s a really nice lady when she wants to be… His father and I get along very well and he loves my kids, he calls them the grankids… I know most of his friends, I met all of his coworkers and boss before, I haven’t met his current boss yet but I hope to soon… I have met one of his current coworkers… He has met most of my friends, my parents adore him, 2 of my siblings are not ok with him, since he’s younger than me, they hoped I would be dating a man in his late 30’s… But one of my siblings and his wife adores him as well…My boss can’t wait to meet him…and my grandmother is very supportive about our relationship…

I’m sure he is a pretty good guy, but are you still getting to know him. I ask these questions because I’ve been around a lap or 2. I often see women, in your situation get taken advantage of by men who really just want a roof over their head, clothes washed, Xbox to play, and sex when they want it. Just step back and not look at him with rose colored glasses.

I understand and since this is my first relationship after my exhusband, I end up comparing sometimes I don’t mean to but it happens… I have learned not to but once I feel overwhelmed with my own **** I end up looking for excuses to get mad at everyone else, but nothing has really bothered me this much about him as this has I mean he snorts when he laughs, lol, he does smoke cigarettes, he’s a dork and a goof, he’s loud, he can sleep like a rock, and he sleeps for a long time during weekends, I mean a long time, he likes to play video games, he sometimes is a perfectionist especially when it comes to his job, and his music, everything has to be perfect, he doesn’t like to cut his toe nails often… I have offered to help him he refuses, he doesn’t like to cut his beard and mustache, so he has it super long… one time he had it long enough to braid it all up… I love how he laughs and how much he makes me laugh, I love it that we are such good friends, and I can be myself around him, I love it how sweet he is and how much he tries to be good with my kids… He and I don’t live together… I understand…

 

[iluvmybabies]

Where is this boys father? Has he been a good role model for him? Before you bring this guy in your house what does he have to contribute? You have to set the bar high sweetie.

Yes actually his father has been married to the same woman for over 30 years, they have 3 children, and 1 grandchild. their eldest has been married for almost 15 years now, and they are all CATHOLIC!! Now I am not going to lie to you, they are modern Catholics, I have been raised with the whole, “everything you do is bad!! You are going to hell thing!” And he has been raised with, “go to confession pray to GOD be good and try to be good and GOD will always forgive you” mentality… So we are both a work in progress and we see our priest once a month, to catch up and discuss more about our religion but our priest is pretty modern as well… I end up getting even more confused…that’s why I started coming here… I really like all that I have learned from everyone… I appreciate the help! I understand I am not a person whom cares about luxuries, but I do want someone caring and loving I am more interested in the emotional support than the economical…BUT yes if we were married he’d be contributing enough…His father and he are a very close family… That’s why I think it bothered his mother so much when he was serious about our relationship… It had been so long that they had seen him with a woman that they didn’t know what to think… His father has been kind to me since I met them… His mother for a while she was then things went sour but now things are starting to be better… It’s weird but I enjoyed this Christmas with his family she even got me gifts of things I like, she even considered me for my bday and bought me something she told me she felt I needed!!! I dunno why but she’s been really kind to me lately… I mean before I met him he was school, work, hobbies, friends, parents…And since his dad is a gamer too well you can imagine the father son bond they have together…

Do you not get any money from you ex? Where is he or has he hit the road and want no part of y’all’s lives?

UGH don’t get me started on my ex… His endless threats and harasses are just that endless… It took him 1 year to start paying cs, then he paid for about 11 months, then he quit his job, and didn’t send a single penny for 3 months, now he’s been paying for a little over a month… He doesn’t come around because I keep him broke… He doesn’t send the kids a card because I make him broke, he can’t call because he’s broke, he can’t split 50/50 because he’s broke, he can’t talk to me because I don’t want to compromise and remove the thousand’s of dollars worth of arrears her owes his children…

Ain’t nothing wrong with video games, heck I’ve been known to play PS2 till the wee hours. Its just play fun to shoot stuff. But I KNEW to be at work in the morning, and better NOT be one minute late, because you would get wrote up. It wasn’t tolerated. People could not go home untill properly relieved.

Yes I understand, I play them too…I just think I really made a big deal out of nothing… He called a few mins ago but I was in the bathroom, I will call him back in a few…Yes I understand and I guess that’s why I was a bit iffy with the whole being 30 mins late thing…

Now all he had to do was be at your house on time, to look after the kids. He’s late and when he gets there he goes in a coma on the couch. Now c’mon.

Yes see that’s what bothered me, since I know he’s not a morning person, I wasn’t either, but since I became a mother sleep is like a meaningless thing now, I don’t think he gets that yet??? I mean he doesn’t live with us so he really doesn’t know you know??? But yes it upset me that I had told him I had to go in an hour earlier, usually he’s there 30 mins before, and he was if I would have gone in at my regular time, he forgot… Showed up 30 mins late and to pass out on the couch?? Yes it upset me…but maybe I shouldn’t have gotten that mad, I know when I am exhausted I crash too …

 

[iluvmybabies]

I’m gonna go against the general consensus of the other posters and tell you that I believe you are very justified in being upset with your bf. If he wants to stay up all night, fine, that’s his choice. He is a big boy, after all. It does sound like he needs more time to himself, which is fine, but it is his responsibility to communicate that to you clearly. If he doesn’t want to babysit for you every day, he needs to let you know ahead of time so you can find a replacement, even if it’s just a day or 2 a week. You need to make it clear to him that from this point on, it is not ok for him to sleep on the job (while babysitting your kids). But I also think that it shouldn’t be that big a deal if he takes a nap while the kids are still in bed–as long as it’s in the living room or an area where he will wake up and hear intruders coming into the house (which is what I gathered from your post to be the primary reason for needing a babysitter), or if there is an accident, injury, etc. Also, let him know that it is not ok for him to show up 30 mins late, because since you had to leave on time, you never know what could happen in 30 minutes when small children are without supervision. If your job were more flexible, then it wouldn’t be such a big deal, but if you’re on a three-strikes, no excuses kind of policy then there is no room for any babysitter, no matter who it is, to be late.

I’m thinking this is something you should discuss when your bf after you’ve cooled down a bit, so it doesn’t turn into a fight. Perhaps you could set up a plan where you find a different babysitter for one day a week or something, so he can have some more time to himself, because it sounds like he is pushing himself too hard, but not communicating his feelings with you.

God bless you and yours. I’ll pray that everything works out for you all.

thank you…soooo much… I know I might have taken it out of proportion and yes I mean I know when I am exhausted I need a break and I crash too but usually it’s on weekends you know? AND when I know my kids are occupied enough that I can slip away from them for about 15-30 mins… And yeah they were asleep but still, they are little and being late 30 mins for me is like AAAH!! Since I am a huge paranoid and he knows that… I am getting off for lunch hopefully I can have time to talk to him…

I know he tries too hard and wants to be there but yes I feel that if he needs the extra time to communicate with me instead of making me feel as if I am the reason for his need to run away…

Thanks again…

 

[iluvmybabies]

Thanks everyone for your help and advise…sorry for the bother…GOD BLESS!

 

[ElizabethPH]

Up all night gaming after a night of gaming with you and your kid’s. Now if that isn’t a red flag I don’t know what is.

 

[cthulhubryan]

As a guy (not as Guy, that would be wrong) I think that you may have some legitimate reasons to be concerned, but then you may not.

If he was with you all day playing xbox with you and the kids and then went home to play xbox all night there are two questions that spring to mind.

#1. Does he enjoy more mature games (like Fallout 3 or Left 4 Dead)? Games that guys generally like with lots of zombie shooting fun but which may not be appropriate for the fiance and are DEFINITELY inappropriate for kids. If this is the case, then he was being exceedingly juvenile. He’s a guy, it’ll happen. We all still act juvenile from time to time. It’s part of our boyish charms. If this the case, I wouldn’t worry much about it.

#2. Is this less of a gamer issue and more of a “I need to be alone for a bit” issue then there may be more here that needs addressing. Taking on a wife who already has kids is one of the greatest joys that a man can ever have, but it is not the least stressful activity there is. Some “alone time” is always valid, but if this is the first time you have had such concentrated together time and he acts this way then you should have a good talk about what is involved in this commitment.

In short: Gamer Geek: okay. Attachment and Responsibility issues: Not so okay.

Bryan (who is at least 26 and is still juvenile at times)

 

[takers]

From your post I see two issues. One that he was staying up late playing games when he has a problem getting up early, and Two he was late to taking care of the kids. I can understand your angry (maybe that’s too harsh or a word) about him staying up late when you know he has trouble getting up early, but I think that chatting with him online and telling him to go to bed because he was wake-up troubles is very similar to a mom telling her son this. So while I understand your frustration (and would probably feel the same way) this is something that I think an apology would go a long way for. Say you know he’s a grown-up and you shouldn’t have ‘nagged’ him to go to bed since he’s grown up enough to figure out when bed-time is.

The second issue I would be very angry about. If he’s enough of a grown up to determine when he goes to bed at night then he’s enough of a grown up to take responsiblity seriously and to show up on time for a job. And not just any job, but taking care of those who can’t (for the most part) take care of themselves. This is unacceptable. If he wants to stay up all night then he still has to get up on time. No excuses!

Hope y’all work this out!

 

[Arlene]

He spent the whole day with you and your kids and you all had a wonderful day. Then he went home. What he does in his own home on his own time is really not for you to have (name removed by moderator)ut about.

It does become your issue when he doesn’t show up for a committment.

I agree with oather posters who said it is really two seperate issues.

If it were me, I’d apologize for nagging about how he spent his time, but let him know that I’m really upset about having to leave your children alone because he was not there as promised. Also, leaving children alone with a sleeping babysitter is not much better than leaving them alone. A committment is a committment. It may not be a “real” job, but he agreed to be there and he wasn’t.

 

[cheeto1]

Your feelings can’t be wrong, they are your feelings. That’s
like saying your eye color is wrong.

You have spent a tremendous amount of stress and energy
wondering whether you should be mad or not. You are just mad, o.k.

I wonder what would happen if you had spent all this energy
wondering what you could do for or with your kids when you
got home from work. What if all these posts about whether or
not you should be mad at a young man were instead letters to
your children, telling them how glad your are that they were
born into your life and how honored you are to be their mother.
You could have saved them, and given them to your children
on mother’s day.

What if you had spent the time looking into the one more year
of college you have yet to finish. Just think, in one year, you
could have a really decent job, and not have to worry about
hiring a young man to sleep on your couch instead of a real
babysitter.

What if you didn’t worry about dating and relationships at all,
and instead, concentrated on being the best mom you can be?
Your kids would get all that energy you are spending on him.
Shouldn’t you wait until your husband dies before you marry
another? That’s what I wished of my parents, no matter how
bad dad was.

As for the advise, Don’t depend on people to do what
they can’t be depended on for, and then blame them for it.
You are in charge of your kids, not him.

I feel so sorry you had a bad marriage, and I am proud of you
for holding on to your loving heart God is with you,…

 

[Lainey63]

He is irresponsible and you are putting your children at risk by letting him come over late & crash all day. No wonder why you’re about crawling out of your skin. You already know that he is unreliable…ia grown man in his 30’s insists on staying up all night and playing games on the web or whatever…knowing he has a responsibility to take care of children the next day…17 year olds do that not grown men! Kick him to the curb…you will be supporting him as well as your own children, if you aren’t already.

 

[whatevergirl]

He is irresponsible and you are putting your children at risk by letting him come over late & crash all day. No wonder why you’re about crawling out of your skin. You already know that he is unreliable…ia grown man in his 30’s insists on staying up all night and playing games on the web or whatever…knowing he has a responsibility to take care of children the next day…17 year olds do that not grown men! Kick him to the curb…you will be supporting him as well as your own children, if you aren’t already.

Just a clarification–I think he’s 26, not in his 30’s. Not that he is not a grown man, yes he is…but just wanted to clarify the age thing.

 

[whatevergirl]

iluvmybabies;

I read your reply to me, and I hope you know that I think you’re such a super person and mom-just from reading your posts, you sound like such a sweet soul. :yup: I think your bf sounds like a good guy, too. I will say this–though, that while I don’t believe him at all to be irresponsible, he needs to realize that with three kids, there really aren’t ‘breaks,’ in life. I mean, you and he are not married yet–but I’m hopeful that he realizes that marrying a woman with three kids, means a lot of times, sacrificing one’s own time, for the betterment of the family. I think he does, he might just have needed some space. But, it’s something to talk over maybe. Before you get married, he needs to realize that he can’t just opt out for a day or two…to recharge his batteries. With dating a woman with three children, even one child…he will find himself sacrificing a lot of his ‘free’ time for you and them. This is a blessing, I think he knows this–but at the same time–it might be a good idea just to have a chat about all that.

I hope things work out…God bless!

 

[Lainey63]

Just a clarification–I think he’s 26, not in his 30’s. Not that he is not a grown man, yes he is…but just wanted to clarify the age thing.

I guess I went off the deep end a little bit …It seems to me that there are a lot of these type of men (for lack of a better word) these days & too many woman putting up with this…feeling like they’re wrong and how dare they say something…just touched a raw nerve in me.

 

[whatevergirl]

I guess I went off the deep end a little bit …It seems to me that there are a lot of these type of men (for lack of a better word) these days & too many woman putting up with this…feeling like they’re wrong and how dare they say something…just touched a raw nerve in me.

No, I think your post was very well meaning, I am not the OP lol, but I think your intention was to show another side of things. I have followed iluvmybabies’ posts, and it would seem that her bf is very devoted to her and the children…Not all people realize when they step into a relationship with someone with kids, that there will be a 24/7 type of urgency for care, nurturing, etc…for the kids. This could be one of those circumstances, but I am hopeful they will work it out.

Plz keep us posted, will you, iluv?

 

[chevalier]

From your post I see two issues. One that he was staying up late playing games when he has a problem getting up early, and Two he was late to taking care of the kids. I can understand your angry (maybe that’s too harsh or a word) about him staying up late when you know he has trouble getting up early, but I think that chatting with him online and telling him to go to bed because he was wake-up troubles is very similar to a mom telling her son this. So while I understand your frustration (and would probably feel the same way) this is something that I think an apology would go a long way for. Say you know he’s a grown-up and you shouldn’t have ‘nagged’ him to go to bed since he’s grown up enough to figure out when bed-time is.

The second issue I would be very angry about. If he’s enough of a grown up to determine when he goes to bed at night then he’s enough of a grown up to take responsiblity seriously and to show up on time for a job. And not just any job, but taking care of those who can’t (for the most part) take care of themselves. This is unacceptable. If he wants to stay up all night then he still has to get up on time. No excuses!

Hope y’all work this out!

Agreed.

#1. Does he enjoy more mature games (like Fallout 3 or Left 4 Dead)?

There’s a lot of gore in Fallout 3, but there’s more to the Fallout world and Fallout series than gore. It would be sad if someone noticed only the gore in a Fallout game after finishing it. I finished Fallout 1, Fallout 2, got far into Fallout: Tactics and now I’m playing Fallout 3. I’m a Ph.D. student in law, past my Master’s, and I teach people. Call me exeecindgly juvenile if you want, I don’t care. If a woman concluded she didn’t want me as a fiance because I played Fallout 3, I’d be happy to oblige.

 

[cthulhubryan]

There’s a lot of gore in Fallout 3, but there’s more to the Fallout world and Fallout series than gore. It would be sad if someone noticed only the gore in a Fallout game after finishing it. I finished Fallout 1, Fallout 2, got far into Fallout: Tactics and now I’m playing Fallout 3. I’m a Ph.D. student in law, past my Master’s, and I teach people. Call me exeecindgly juvenile if you want, I don’t care. If a woman concluded she didn’t want me as a fiance because I played Fallout 3, I’d be happy to oblige.

Good to know. I have a wii so these games do not exist on my platform. I’ve just read about them.

 

[udoc89]

You have every right to be upset. Your children were left alone. He may be a great boyfriend, but it seems apparent he is not ready to be a husband and a father. I think that is possibly what is bothering you most. You must have seemed like a happy family before you went to bed–and by morning he had reneged on his commitment to you and your children rather badly. This is not an inconsequential issue. Must have been a terrible letdown for you. I’m sorry! I think maybe you are hoping that you over-reacted, because you see him as your future mate, and he is acting like an 18-year-old boy.

You don’t need to apologize (in my opinion.) He made a choice to keep gaming even though he was your designated babysitter. You were understandably worried about your children. Don’t be mad at him, but keep your eyes wide open.

Praying for you, Dear Girl.

 

[iluvmybabies]

As a guy (not as Guy, that would be wrong) I think that you may have some legitimate reasons to be concerned, but then you may not.

If he was with you all day playing xbox with you and the kids and then went home to play xbox all night there are two questions that spring to mind.

#1. Does he enjoy more mature games (like Fallout 3 or Left 4 Dead)? Games that guys generally like with lots of zombie shooting fun but which may not be appropriate for the fiance and are DEFINITELY inappropriate for kids. If this is the case, then he was being exceedingly juvenile. He’s a guy, it’ll happen. We all still act juvenile from time to time. It’s part of our boyish charms. If this the case, I wouldn’t worry much about it.

#2. Is this less of a gamer issue and more of a “I need to be alone for a bit” issue then there may be more here that needs addressing. Taking on a wife who already has kids is one of the greatest joys that a man can ever have, but it is not the least stressful activity there is. Some “alone time” is always valid, but if this is the first time you have had such concentrated together time and he acts this way then you should have a good talk about what is involved in this commitment.

In short: Gamer Geek: okay. Attachment and Responsibility issues: Not so okay.

Bryan (who is at least 26 and is still juvenile at times)

His father and he are huge zombie gaming lovers… IF they could they would both stay up all night playing zombie games… EX: His father kept sending us invites over xbox live to play “left for dead”…He was still up this morning playing it!! Now I know he’s retired so it doesn’t really matter what he does, but seriously this is the influence he has in his son!! LOL… His wife doesn’t mind she’s a bingo lover so while she’s out every night in bingo, he’s playing zombie games! And invi his son to play… call it father son bonding… they have been this way since my bf has been born!!! LOL

We weren’t playing all day long xbox but enough of the evening to night to last us enough time!! lol…But yes he went home and got on GOW2, which is my fav game too…AND I would have joined them as well if I didn’t have to be at work an hour earlier… I am not a morning person either but I know my responsibilities and I don’t falter on them unless it’s an emergency like taking my kids to the hospital or something!!

But I guess that’s just the difference… I have children he doesn’t. He doesn’t live with us so he really doesn’t know all that goes into the children. He is very loving and caring, and he has helped me very much. He loves spending time with us and most of the day he does spend it with us… It’s just that seriously he’s not a morning person and I am not either. I am fussy even when I sleep for more than 6 hours. I am cranky and been like this since I was 15 years old, that was 15 years ago… SO I understand him but that’s why I give myself the extra time to wake up and sleep so I can actually get up to do my duties… I mean he has come with me to doctor’s office visits etc, he has helped me when my kids have needed shots and he has been with me when my son got ill with the skin infection… So he knows it does take a lot of responsibilities.

I am not upset that he loves video games, his whole family are gamers… his mother is beating guitar hero III on medium this weekend!!! lol… So I mean I don’t have a problem with staying up playing video games but when there are responsibilities such as taking care of my children well that doesn’t help much when you are showing up 30 mins late to pass out. Maybe I would have understood if he wouldn’t have passed out at least that would have shown me different you know, but he passed out for about an hour… he was up before my kids were but he still passed out. Maybe be if he would have spoken with me instead of hanging up on me I wouldn’t have been so ticked either…

We spoke and we had a long talk as bf and gf and about how I felt as well about how he felt…We are fine and we had a good weekend!