Is it wrong for my husband to look at other girls?

[Estevao]

I read the transcript and while I accept that it is true, it is a slap in the face to a woman to make all that visual sensual pleasure obvious to her by oggling. Especially since the hurt it caused was compounded by his need to use her that night to get the itch it caused, scratched.

Well there may have been other reasons for that, and maybe OP should not just assume that there was only the oggling that caused it. I agree oggling is wrong however. It’s the second look that’s the problem, the first you can’t really always avoid as a man, it just seems to happen.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

The OP and her husband are much younger and newer to marriage than my husband and me.

We had to learn. So do they. I am only telling them what has worked for us for 35 very happy years and still counting.

This isn’t an age issue, its a character issue. Was your husband ever as insensitive, manipulative, and boorish as the OP’s? I have a young husband and a new marriage myself, and I have never, not even once, had my husband act the way the OP’s is.

And yes, it is manipulative of him to turn this around and make it sound like she has the issue.

 

[Cat]

Perhaps, but the situation with the OP and her husband is not the same. It is much more serious, and, with respect, your response to someone who is hurting was insensitive.

The OP never said that she was “hurting.”

She said it was “bugging her.”

She asked, “Is this OK in a marriage?”

I offer my opinion, based on 35 years of experience.

I agree with the post by estaveo–the author of that piece stated things much more clearly than I do. But it’s the same basic idea.

This whole thread is an example of how men don’t understand women and women don’t understand men. Several posters on this thread seem to think that it’s terrible that the OP’s husband wanted sex with her when he got home from a water park, and that he was just “using her to satisfy his lust.” What!!! You certainly have low opinions of men! I think it’s delightful–he had been confronted throughout the day with sexually-stimulating images, and when he got home, he chose to ask his WIFE for sex. What is so terrible about that?!! It seems kind of a normal reaction for a man to have to me.

The secret to a happy marriage is seeking to understand each other, and to arrive at a compromise in actions which does not condemn a man for being a man or a woman for being a woman. I agree with those who say that most men can’t help looking once. Ogling is not a good idea, as it can lead to lustful thoughts. I think that the OP and her husband can work on this. And I stick with my original suggestion–the OP should use a “light touch” and ease off on the hurt feelings and the overanalyzing. The couple should make this a fun, teasing task–to help each other sort out their sexuality and use it wisely. The more heavy-handed it gets, the more the man will rebel, and the more miserable the wife is.

If this doesn’t work for some of you, fine. As I keep saying, 35 happy years is hard to argue with.

 

[newf]

The OP never said that she was “hurting.”

She said it was “bugging her.”

She asked, “Is this OK in a marriage?”

I offer my opinion, based on 35 years of experience.

I agree with the post by estaveo–the author of that piece stated things much more clearly than I do. But it’s the same basic idea.

This whole thread is an example of how men don’t understand women and women don’t understand men. Several posters on this thread seem to think that it’s terrible that the OP’s husband wanted sex with her when he got home from a water park, and that he was just “using her to satisfy his lust.” What!!! You certainly have low opinions of men! I think it’s delightful–he had been confronted throughout the day with sexually-stimulating images, and when he got home, he chose to ask his WIFE for sex. What is so terrible about that?!! It seems kind of a normal reaction for a man to have to me.

The secret to a happy marriage is seeking to understand each other, and to arrive at a compromise in actions which does not condemn a man for being a man or a woman for being a woman. I agree with those who say that most men can’t help looking once. Ogling is not a good idea, as it can lead to lustful thoughts. I think that the OP and her husband can work on this. And I stick with my original suggestion–the OP should use a “light touch” and ease off on the hurt feelings and the overanalyzing. The couple should make this a fun, teasing task–to help each other sort out their sexuality and use it wisely. The more heavy-handed it gets, the more the man will rebel, and the more miserable the wife is.

If this doesn’t work for some of you, fine. As I keep saying, 35 happy years is hard to argue with.

Hi Cat, I have 35 years of marriage, too. And I think you are WAY off base. The OP’s husband behaved badly. It was disrespectful for him to be staring at the other women. It was rude of him to blame her for his ogling by calling her mean. And then it was nothing but lust for him to use her in the bedroom. She has every reason to be upset.

I think you were just trying to make light of this, but it really isn’t light. The OP’s husband is showing a major lack of character and a lot of immaturity.

 

[SuperLuigi]

Pardon me, but I never said anything in my post about “pretending to be someone else during sex.”

Never said you did. It was a follow-up comment to the topic at hand.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

The OP and her husband are much younger and newer to marriage than my husband and me.

We had to learn. So do they. I am only telling them what has worked for us for 35 very happy years and still counting.

This isn’t an age issue, its a character issue. Was your husband ever as insensitive, manipulative, and boorish as the OP’s? I have a young husband and a new marriage myself, and I have never, not even once, had my husband act the way the OP’s is.

And yes, it is manipulative of him to turn this around and make it sound like she has the issue.

 

[Cat]

Hi Cat, I have 35 years of marriage, too. And I think you are WAY off base. The OP’s husband behaved badly. It was disrespectful for him to be staring at the other women. It was rude of him to blame her for his ogling by calling her mean. And then it was nothing but lust for him to use her in the bedroom. She has every reason to be upset.

I think you were just trying to make light of this, but it really isn’t light. The OP’s husband is showing a major lack of character and a lot of immaturity.

So the OP now has two points of view.

Of COURSE the husband is showing immaturity! He IS immature! He’s only been married 4 years–that’s a baby marriage! The couple has some work to do!

Of course he’s showing a “lack of character.” He’s young! He’s got a long ways to go (hopefully many years).

I hope that women don’t expect their husband to be perfect and mature from Day One until the end of life! We all have aspects of our personality that are immature and character flaws that upset others, and that just means some work must be done. It doesn’t mean he’s some kind of sinful lust machine!

If you’ve ever read C.S. Lewis’ Screwtape Letters, you will come across a passage in which he discusses the value of humor when trying to defeat the devil and overcome sin. Sometimes we can grunt and groan and cry and stress ourselves out, and make no progress whatsoever. But when we lighten up and relax, we get somewhere.

 

[pianistclare]

If I acted this way and my wife called me on it, my response would not be “You’re mean” but rather, “I’m so sorry; you’re right to be upset.”

You sir, are a gentleman. :tiphat:

 

[pianistclare]

So the OP now has two points of view.

Of COURSE the husband is showing immaturity! He IS immature! He’s only been married 4 years–that’s a baby marriage! The couple has some work to do!

Of course he’s showing a “lack of character.” He’s young! He’s got a long ways to go (hopefully many years).

**I hope that women don’t expect their husband to be perfect and mature from Day One until the end of life! We all have aspects of our personality that are immature and character flaws that upset others, and that just means some work must be done. It doesn’t mean he’s some kind of sinful lust machine! **

If you’ve ever read C.S. Lewis’ Screwtape Letters, you will come across a passage in which he discusses the value of humor when trying to defeat the devil and overcome sin. Sometimes we can grunt and groan and cry and stress ourselves out, and make no progress whatsoever. But when we lighten up and relax, we get somewhere.

I dunno…maybe it’s just me, but when my daughters get married, YES. I expect the guy to be well prepared for an ADULT relationship and to have already outgrown his childish, immature behavior and to be able to control his passions so that he may enjoy a happy marriage with my daughter, who deserves no less.
4 years into a marriage and he’s still learning?
Come on…really?
He’s hurt her. He needs to seek forgiveness from her. She will forgive him, that is clear, but he has hurt her deeply. One can NEVER excuse a person for using another sexually. She’s his WIFE, whom he made all kinds of promises to before God and family.
This is no small matter. It speaks to his view of women. If he raises daughters, he will jump to the other side in a hurry. I just pray he doesn’t wait another 16 years to learn it.

 

[LilyM]

With all due respect, Cat, all the OP wants is her husband to not ogle (which is different to not looking altogether). That is hardly demanding perfection or anything remotely unachievable.

And it strikes me that brushing it aside as basically ‘boys will be boys’ is as little likely to lead to progress as any other reaction. Tolerating or excusing bad behaviour does nothing to change it.

 

[newf]

So the OP now has two points of view.

Of COURSE the husband is showing immaturity! He IS immature! He’s only been married 4 years–that’s a baby marriage! The couple has some work to do!

Of course he’s showing a “lack of character.” He’s young! He’s got a long ways to go (hopefully many years).

I hope that women don’t expect their husband to be perfect and mature from Day One until the end of life! We all have aspects of our personality that are immature and character flaws that upset others, and that just means some work must be done. It doesn’t mean he’s some kind of sinful lust machine!

If you’ve ever read C.S. Lewis’ Screwtape Letters, you will come across a passage in which he discusses the value of humor when trying to defeat the devil and overcome sin. Sometimes we can grunt and groan and cry and stress ourselves out, and make no progress whatsoever. But when we lighten up and relax, we get somewhere.

Right, there are 2 points of view.

I think your lighthearted view is good when dealing with things like putting the toilet seat down and picking up socks off the floor. There is a place for being lighthearted.

But the OP’s husband shows a level of disrespect that needs to be dealt with. This is the kind of thing that if not corrected can be very destructive to a marriage.

 

[SeekerofTruth27]

What!!! You certainly have low opinions of men! I think it’s delightful–he had been confronted throughout the day with sexually-stimulating images, and when he got home, he chose to ask his WIFE for sex. What is so terrible about that?!! It seems kind of a normal reaction for a man to have to me.

First of all, I want to say, I am a man, so I know what I’m talking about here. He was wrong. You say that he was confronted by sexual images. If this was all that happened, then maybe there wouldn’t have been a problem, but he chose to keep looking. Then he asked his wife for sex after he **pursued **sexual stimulation. Yes, he is young, but the question is whether or not it is right for him to do it, and the answer is no.

I don’t know why you say that we have low opinions of men. We have high standards for men, and we are saying that in this case he fell short of those standards (because he kept looking then asked his wife for sex). Maybe this isn’t something that will repeat itself, I hope not. But he needs to be aware hat what he is doing is wrong.

God bless

 

[SeekerofTruth27]

Well folks, just when I thought the world couldn’t get any worse, I opened up this thread and found myself drawn into the pain and suffering of this poor women. Caught between the extremes of despair and apoplectic rage, I was so distraught I almost dropped my evening scotch. I could only sputter incoherent insanities in answer to my wife’s inquiries into what had so disrupted my usual felicity. Collecting myself and gathering what little strength I had after such an assault I inquired on my wife’s opinion and she thought it would be prudent to give this advice.

So to the matter at hand. Obviously this man (this poor lady’s husband) is some degraded, rogue or debased, vagrant if you will. What hope there is I cannot say, but surely she must take action to remedy the temptations that assault his black heart. First of all, I believe this woman should instigate an immediate censure on all physical intimacy in the marriage. Lessons must be learnt people! All forms of revealing clothing should be discarded with and ventures outside the family home should be limited to shopping, work and of course church. An eye cannot wander if it has nowhere to go. If this does not work, then the next step is quite obviously a gelding…or some other form of castration.

Outrageous advice as always Cat, how dare you open up to the kind and gentle people on here and bring them so close to the bleeding edge of sin! Bah, I always knew you were the Devil himself!

I don’t know what it is you were trying to accomplish here. I don’t know if you are serious or if you are treating this whole thing like a joke, but you are not helping the situation by insulting a man that you’ve never even met. Maybe this is the only time this has ever happened or ever will happen. One instance doesn’t make someone a degraded rogue, it makes him a sinner, just like you and me. Also, I don’t know what past problems you’ve had with Cat, I disagree with her, but your behavior is ungentlemanly.

God bless

 

[BlueEyedLady]

This whole thread is an example of how men don’t understand women and women don’t understand men. Several posters on this thread seem to think that it’s terrible that the OP’s husband wanted sex with her when he got home from a water park, and that he was just “using her to satisfy his lust.” What!!! You certainly have low opinions of men! I think it’s delightful–he had been confronted throughout the day with sexually-stimulating images, and when he got home, he chose to ask his WIFE for sex. What is so terrible about that?!! It seems kind of a normal reaction for a man to have to me.

Are you kidding me??? You think it’s “delightful” that he spent the day not looking, but STARING at scantily clad women for long periods of time and then when he got worked up turned to his wife for sex? Exactly what difference is there in the choice that he made to stare at other women for his own sexual satisfaction and watching porn? Would it be “delightful” if her husband watched porn until he was worked up and then turned to her???

He had been confronted the whole day with sexually stimulating images, indulged in them, and then asked his wife to take care of the results. How insulting to her! Guess what, he didn’t ask his wife for sex because that’s what he wanted, he chose her for sex because that was his only option. You don’t really think that approaching the women at the waterpark for sex was really a viable option do you?

If this doesn’t work for some of you, fine. As I keep saying, 35 happy years is hard to argue with.

Why do you refuse to acknowledge that what your husband does is different than what the OP’s does? You and your husband use the presence of attractive people to remind each other that you are attracted and committed to each other. Her husband stared at every attractive woman that walked by until she was out of sight.

This is not an age thing, this is not a maturity thing. I have a lot of male friends and relatives of all ages, and none would engage in or even tolerate this behavior out of others. People are taught at a pretty young age that staring is rude and that treating people like meat is unacceptable. Most people (yes, even men) get this message. It is not the OP’s fault that her husband did not, so please stop trying to blame her.

This is not normal “man stuff”, this is blatant disrespect for his wife, his marriage, the women he was staring at, and himself.

 

[Helenabee]

For those who say women know when men are staring and find it creepy, I disagree. Women will know, but those types love the attention and dont find it creepy, otherwise they wouldn’t dress to attract attention in the first place. Not to mention when they notice, they will walk a little harder and act a little flirtier. Hardly the characteristics of being creeped out.

Pardon me, but I can’t help but feel a bit offended by this. OP said she was at a water park when this occurred. Everyone there is wearing some swimwear so does that mean every woman or even man who does not cover every last bit up want the same stares? I don’t understand what you’re trying to get at when you say, “women will know, but those types…” Are you implying that the women who know when someone is staring are always the ones trying to get these reactions? Because sometimes I’m wearing a tank top in 95F weather and I catch men’s stares but I’m not about to go and wear a turtleneck to prove your point false. That should go without saying.

I don’t know, I’m sure you don’t mean it in a malicious way. But that mindset just reminds me of many people who blame women for getting sexually assaulted by someone because they were wearing something revealing as if they were “asking for it.” I didn’t say you were stating that. I’m just saying the attitude regarding women’s clothing and their intent is not all about attention.

As for OP, I can’t come up with anything that has not already been said. But I will say that that behavior is unacceptable in any relationship. It’s horrible that he turns it on you and blames you for being “mean” or whatever he even means by that! I’m sorry you are going through this. And I hope and wish you the best.

 

[THP]

Well folks, just when I thought the world couldn’t get any worse, I opened up this thread and found myself drawn into the pain and suffering of this poor women. Caught between the extremes of despair and apoplectic rage, I was so distraught I almost dropped my evening scotch. I could only sputter incoherent insanities in answer to my wife’s inquiries into what had so disrupted my usual felicity. Collecting myself and gathering what little strength I had after such an assault I inquired on my wife’s opinion and she thought it would be prudent to give this advice.

So to the matter at hand. Obviously this man (this poor lady’s husband) is some degraded, rogue or debased, vagrant if you will. What hope there is I cannot say, but surely she must take action to remedy the temptations that assault his black heart. First of all, I believe this woman should instigate an immediate censure on all physical intimacy in the marriage. Lessons must be learnt people! All forms of revealing clothing should be discarded with and ventures outside the family home should be limited to shopping, work and of course church. An eye cannot wander if it has nowhere to go. If this does not work, then the next step is quite obviously a gelding…or some other form of castration.

Outrageous advice as always Cat, how dare you open up to the kind and gentle people on here and bring them so close to the bleeding edge of sin! Bah, I always knew you were the Devil himself!

I’ve not read each entry but this may be the best post I’ve ever seen on this website.

 

[pianistclare]

I’ve not read each entry but this may be the best post I’ve ever seen on this website.

You’re kidding right?
Blatant rudeness is not cool.
Just sayin…

 

[THP]

You’re kidding right?
Blatant rudeness is not cool.
Just sayin…

I’m not saying he wasn’t necessarily rude and that is something that she and her husband will discuss. I just doesn’t seem to rise to the level of outrage that is being expressed.

 

[Cat]

I’m not saying he wasn’t necessarily rude and that is something that she and her husband will discuss. I just doesn’t seem to rise to the level of outrage that is being expressed.

Yes, I absolutely agree with this.

This kind of over-reaction is the type of thing that erodes and breaks up marriages.

The wife and husband should talk things over, and come up with acceptable behaviors that they can both live with and enjoy.

 

[Demetra2]

Yes, it is wrong for him to look that intently at bikini clad women. And especially so if it bothers YOU. You were not wrong to share your concern with him and he seems rather defensive that he would turn it back on you. He has to learn to be considerate of your feelings. This is 38 years of a very happy marriage talking here. I really wouldn’t like it if me husband did that and thankfully he never has. You were justified in making a complaint.