Is It Wrong Just To Be Frienfs With Your Spouse?

[Augustine3]

My wife and I are both tired fighting and making up. Tension and dryness has been present 80% of the time during our 5 year marriage. We have tried to reconcile 1000 times but somehow we keep reverting back to being dry. We have talked about it, compromised but to of no ultimate avail. We are pretty much physically intimate only 7-10 times a year. We haven’t consummated our marriage in over 2 years.

She’s a wonderful wife and lovely mother to our two kids. She knows only the basics of Christianity but she’s a far better practising Christian than I am.

I have offered we speak to a priest or seek counselling but she wouldn’t hear of it. She’s a closed door to any kind of third party intervention.

We are both tired of it. Is possible to just be friends with her, showing her kindness gentleness and responsibility and become a saint?

 

[Xantippe]

My wife and I are both tired fighting and making up. Tension and dryness has been present 80% of the time during our 5 year marriage. We have tried to reconcile 1000 times but somehow we keep reverting back to being dry. We have talked about it, compromised but to of no ultimate avail. We are pretty much physically intimate only 7-10 times a year. We haven’t consummated our marriage in over 2 years.

**Which is it? 7-10 times a year or nothing in 2 years?
**

I have offered we speak to a priest or seek counselling but she wouldn’t hear of it. She’s a closed door to any kind of third party intervention.

**That’s very unfortunate. What is her reasoning for that?
**

We are both tired of it. Is possible to just be friends with her, showing her kindness gentleness and responsibility and become a saint?

You aren’t currently friends with your wife, so you’d have trouble being “just friends.” “Just friends” would be a huge step up for you.

 

[Augustine3]

You can be intimate without sexual intercourse. That’s what I meant.

Friends wise we are fine. I didn’t post to be judged…thank you.

 

[clem456]

You can be intimate without sexual intercourse. That’s what I meant.

Friends wise we are fine. I didn’t post to be judged…thank you.

If she won’t seek counsel, why don’t you do it on your own?
I like to go to confession when I fight with my wife. Talk to friends. Be the best husband you can be.

 

[utah_rose]

sometimes in your marriage when you’ve been married a long time friendship sometimes rules. We can’t be intimate because my husband is now impotent and has been this way for the last 20 years, since I’ve been 50. Sometimes it’s been difficult but somehow you get the grace to persevere and new doors open. I wonder if you’ve ever tried going to a Marriage Encounter weekend. I’ve heard that this is very helpful for younger couples. You must also realize there will be rocky and uncertain times. We’ve been married for almost 50 years and it’s not always easy,n lots of compromising for both, and you have to realize you can’t change your wife of husband for the most part.

 

[Augustine3]

If she won’t seek counsel, why don’t you do it on your own?
I like to go to confession when I fight with my wife. Talk to friends. Be the best husband you can be.

I Did. I had a spiritual director. He didn’t help much.

I admit I’m not the best husband. I have fallen many times over and she has forgiven me for all those times. I guess she’s tired of that too, to add to the list.

Us it possible to be saint, being just friends?

 

[BlueEyedLady]

You can be intimate without sexual intercourse. That’s what I meant.

Friends wise we are fine. I didn’t post to be judged…thank you.

No, your friend wouldn’t unilaterally close off such a wonderful part of marriage and refuse to seek help for whatever problem is prompting her to do so.

 

[Augustine3]

No, your friend wouldn’t unilaterally close off such a wonderful part of marriage and refuse to seek help for whatever problem is prompting her to do so.

You don’t have sleep with a friend to remain friends. She’s a big believer if we can’t fix our marriage no one can either. That’s her belief for all marriages, nothing to do with our situation.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

You don’t have sleep with a friend to remain friends. She’s a big believer if we can’t fix our marriage no one can either. That’s her belief for all marriages, nothing to do with our situation.

I’m not saying you do. I’m saying that someone who would neglect an obligation to you, especially one that is so powerful, special, and important, and flat-out refuse to do whatever it takes to fix that, even if she doesn’t “believe” it will work is not a friend to you.

 

[Augustine3]

I’m tired of it also. I have lost hope that we’ll ever have a romantic relationship or even consummate our marriage ever again. I just wanted to know is it possible to become a saint by just being friends?

 

[Augustine3]

I’m not saying you do. I’m saying that someone who would neglect an obligation to you, especially one that is so powerful, special, and important, and flat-out refuse to do whatever it takes to fix that, even if she doesn’t “believe” it will work is not a friend to you.

Ok, what shall I do?

 

[BlueEyedLady]

Ok, what shall I do?

I don’t know.

But please don’t accept this as “friendship”. Your wife has neglected your wedding vows and has made it clear that she really doesn’t care what you think about it. That is not friendship, that’s emotional abuse. I don’t know what I would do in your situation because I am so against divorce, but this is terrible. You have my deepest sympathies.

 

[Augustine3]

I don’t know.

But please don’t accept this as “friendship”. Your wife has neglected your wedding vows and has made it clear that she really doesn’t care what you think about it. That is not friendship, that’s emotional abuse. I don’t know what I would do in your situation because I am so against divorce, but this is terrible. You have my deepest sympathies.

I guess she doesn’t want to be hurt anymore which is why she had shut down.

 

[Xantippe]

I guess she doesn’t want to be hurt anymore which is why she had shut down.

I take it that there’s some stuff you aren’t sharing with us?

Not that you have to, just that it’s problematic to start a thread about the area where your wife is letting you down, when it sounds like you guys have some major issues elsewhere.

Regarding friendship–if 80% of my interactions with somebody are full of tension, they aren’t my friend. I don’t need to make up 1,000 times with a good friend, because we don’t fight all the time.

Maybe go to a marriage counselor by yourself and share some books with your wife? She’s right that only you can fix your marriage, but other people and books can help you.

 

[Xantippe]

You can be intimate without sexual intercourse. That’s what I meant.

Friends wise we are fine. I didn’t post to be judged…thank you.

1. Faithful Catholics don’t engage in unnatural acts, if that is what you are referring to doing 7-10 times a year.
2. Is your wife afraid of getting pregnant? Because it’s otherwise hard to understand the avoidance of intercourse.
3. You aren’t being judged. I’m just telling you that that’s not what friendship looks like.

 

[oldgraymare2]

Hi Augustine3,

I am so sorry for the struggles that you are currently facing, in your marriage.

No, I don’t think that it is wrong to be friends with your spouse in your marriage.

I agree with the others who recommended that you should go and talk to someone by yourself for counseling, if your wife won’t go with you.

If I were you, I would go and talk to my pastor/parish priest, or to a counselor.

 

[clem456]

I Did. I had a spiritual director. He didn’t help much.

I admit I’m not the best husband. I have fallen many times over and she has forgiven me for all those times. I guess she’s tired of that too, to add to the list.

Us it possible to be saint, being just friends?

I have fallen many times in my marriage as well. Are your falls related to lust? If so, your marriage cannot move forward until you deal with that problem. Your wife cannot solve that problem for you, if that is part of it.

Have you ever seen the movie “Fireproof”. This movie demonstrates the effect that one spouse’s conversion can have on the marriage. If couple’s counseling is not in the cards right now, go yourself.
If you want the marriage to change, start with you. Be the best husband you can be. If that is a sexless marriage for a time, so be it. God can heal it in time.

 

[rayne89]

Work on being friends, real friends,let that friendship deepen. It doesn’t sound like there’s even a deep friendship right now. The homily today from a visiting priest was very good, and quite on point with your dilemma. He talked about counseling couples that approach him for the sacrament of marriage. He’ll ask a young man for example out of all the young women why are you choosing this young woman. “Well I love her Father.” Why do you love her? And they’ll go on to list what they love about their fiance. So if she stops doing this or being that will you still love her? That’s what he asks. He said with unconditional love there can never be a reason, because if that reason goes away then you stop loving?

Being married for many years I see the wisdom in this. Beauty fades, if you love their intelligence what if they’re in an accident and lose some of that, if they stop making your favorite meals, or wanting to take morning runs together. You are to love without conditions.

So back to friendship, take sex off the table -since neither of you want that right now. But work on being dear friends. Not being friendly -which is not the same. Friends share an emotional intimacy. Learn to be best friends, emotionally intimate -when that happens my guess is sexual intimacy will then come naturally from that.

I don’t think your friends right now either, just friendly.

 

[Augustine3]

I just had another fight with my wife and we are distant again for about the 1000th time.

I told her I’m tired of being the first one that always has to be make the initial attempt to reconcile us. I told her this time I will wait for her to make the first move. If I know her well enough she will never make the first move and will just accept the situation the way it is. I’m so frustrated. The devil is telling me “just who is this God that allows such conflicts to happen?! I thought he won’t allow more suffering than you can handle and yet he allows these conflicts to continue driving you and your wife to become further apart! Don’t go to confession! Don’t receive the Eucharist until you have reconciled with her!”.

Please pray for me a sinner my dear brothers and sisters!

 

[clem456]

I just had another fight with my wife and we are distant again for about the 1000th time.

I told her I’m tired of being the first one that always has to be make the initial attempt to reconcile us. I told her this time I will wait for her to make the first move.

It’s hard to risk rejection.
But this is what we are called to do. We are called to be Christ-like.
No matter what the cost, no matter how foolish you feel, not matter how much you feel taken advantage of, you must be ready and willing to reconcile. If that means making the first move for the 100th time, so be it.

Christ gave his all for us, while we were still sinners.