Is it wrong to enjoy being in the "friend zone"?

[realtiger]

I have a female best friend. I have liked her romantically in the past and I wanted a romantic relationship with her in the past but now I don’t. I enjoy the fact that we are best friends and that we can talk to each other and be there for each other in a platonic way. A lot of guys would probably be ticked off to just be friends with a woman and not go any further if he had feelings for her but I guess I am not like that. Am I being too comfortable in being just friends with a woman? I know that if I want to find a woman I would have to make an effort but I guess with a great female best friend why would I have to find a girlfriend? It seems I have a lot of qualities of being with a good girlfriend without the boyfriend/girlfriend commitment. Am I wrong? Also she has a baby now and feelings her baby’s father so it would probably be a good idea to just be friends with her.

 

[ack]

There’s nothing wrong with having a female best friend, although you will obviously have to find a girlfriend if you ever want to get married.

Also, the danger that the baby’s father will become jealous of you or misinterpret your intentions cannot be overstated. It’s probably best to avoid close friendships with the opposite sex when a boyfriend or girlfriend is also in the picture.

 

[JoyIsLikeRain]

I have a female best friend. I have liked her romantically in the past and I wanted a romantic relationship with her in the past but now I don’t. I enjoy the fact that we are best friends and that we can talk to each other and be there for each other in a platonic way. A lot of guys would probably be ticked off to just be friends with a woman and not go any further if he had feelings for her but I guess I am not like that. **Am I being too comfortable in being just friends with a woman? ****I know that if I want to find a woman I would have to make an effort but I guess with a great female best friend why would I have to find a girlfriend? ** It seems I have a lot of qualities of being with a good girlfriend without the boyfriend/girlfriend commitment. Am I wrong? Also she has a baby now and feelings her baby’s father so it would probably be a good idea to just be friends with her.

Did you just type this post while thinking out loud?

Friendship is that. Friendship.

You seemed to answer your own question, if you even asked one.

If you want romance, you have to make a relationship into one that is something lady can’t give you right now…so can you remove her from the picture? Or, just be a good friend to her? I’m not sure what else you can do with her, unless you’re waiting for her to be on the proverbial “rebound.”

Yet, you stated you’re comfortable being a friend. Where does it say you are required to have a romantic partner?

Please, get off the computer and go out and make new friends. And I mean that with respect and encouragement.

 

[underacloud]

It’s probably best to avoid close friendships with the opposite sex when a boyfriend or girlfriend is also in the picture.

This.

 

[ToeInTheWater]

Am I being too comfortable in being just friends with a woman?

I think the men who assume that the only important opposite-sex relationships are romantic ones, and that there is no point in a man having friends who are women, are the ones who are misguided.

Also, many such men don’t see women as equal partners in a meaningful relationship, they see them as trophies to be won as a reward for being successful in the Dating Game. I actually pity such men.

Even from a pragmatic Dating Game sense, men who cut off women they don’t see as romantic prospects are also cutting off any opportunities they might have had with the friends and relatives of those women.

I know that if I want to find a woman I would have to make an effort but I guess with a great female best friend why would I have to find a girlfriend?

On the other hand, if you feel called to marriage, and you’re using this relationship as an emotional crutch or excuse to avoid dating, then that’s not a good idea either.

But perhaps you’re just not meant to be back in the game just yet. There is no requirement to be constantly looking for possible spouses, either.

 

[Anglewannabe]

If ever you do get a girlfriend, this friend might all of a sudden ‘express her love for you’ out of fear of loosing the friendship. But… no guarantee she will commit to you. Not to mention, depending on your age your GF might not like this friend

 

[Rose71]

There is nothing wrong at all in having platonic friends of the opposite sex, so long as you are both absolutely clear on the nature of the relationship. Like all friendships, circumstances may change and you may find that over time, you become less close, or lose contact all together - but that’s life!

It can all go horribly wrong when one person in the friendship dates or marries a person who is uncomfortable with the friendship. It’s something that you should discover in the courtship phase - not afterwards.There’s a lot to be said for being honest and objective about courtship.

I met a lovely man some years ago and we got on well, but over a few meetings it became clear that while we really liked and respected one another and shared the same moral values, there were other aspects that we weren’t so well matched on. He wanted a wife who was glamorous and well groomed 24/7 and that’s not me I thank God (and I bet he does too) that we did the proper ‘courtship’ thing and used our time together doing things we both enjoyed, but also taking time to really ask questions and get to know one another.

There was no awkward ‘this isn’t going to work’ moment, because we were never romantically involved and we did stay in touch a good while and had lots of really great talks about our expectations of relationships and our experiences of finding a spouse. When I met my husband, it just petered out. I still pray for him and I wouldn’t have missed our friendship for the world.

If it wasn’t for him and a few other good male friends along the way, I would never have been able to discern that my husband was ‘The One’ and I possibly wouldn’t have had the confidence with him to stand up for my beliefs (because my dear friend taught me that there are men out there who do respect Catholic women)

:thumbsup:Good people come and go from our lives for a purpose. Keep your friend in your prayers always, even if you eventually drift apart.

 

[phillylawyer]

It’s probably best to avoid close friendships with the opposite sex when a boyfriend or girlfriend is also in the picture.

It’s at least advisable to avoid having strong friendships with the opposite sex when that friendship does not also include the boyfriend or girlfriend that is also in the picture.

 

[EasterJoy]

No, there is nothing wrong with it. Be a friend of the marriage, above all. You are probably fine with being “friend-zoned” because you really do put a high priority on seeing your former girlfriend happy and in a good marriage. That is a good thing.

Having said that, of course you should not be naïve nor arrogant. Be sure to follow all the common sense rules when it comes to being friends with someone of the opposite sex whom you cannot marry. Protect your consciences, your reputations, and the feelings of the ones that each of you do have an exclusive relationship with. Do not give yourselves near occasions of sin and do not put yourself in a place to supplant her primary friend and the completion of her one life: that is, her husband.

 

[realtiger]

Thanks guys for the advice. However there is one I forgot to mention. She is single. Her baby’s father cheated on her while they were dating. He is now dating someone else and has a baby with another girl other than her. She told me she loves him but she told me it is never going to work out. Still she has a child from another man so maybe it’s best I don’t date her.

 

[Zzyzx_Road]

There is nothing wrong at all in having platonic friends of the opposite sex, **so long as you are both absolutely clear on the nature of the relationship. **Like all friendships, circumstances may change and you may find that over time, you become less close, or lose contact all together - but that’s life!

Bingo. As a man, I find it best to avoid friendships with women I feel attracted to. Especially if they’re married to a friend of mine. Some lines are not meant to be crossed.

realtiger:

Still she has a child from another man so maybe it’s best I don’t date her.

You answered your own question.

It would be one thing if she had been married, then divorced, but in your case, she was never married in the first place. Which to me is definitely a yellow flag, possibly a red one.

 

[ack]

Thanks guys for the advice. However there is one I forgot to mention. She is single. Her baby’s father cheated on her while they were dating. He is now dating someone else and has a baby with another girl other than her. She told me she loves him but she told me it is never going to work out. Still she has a child from another man so maybe it’s best I don’t date her.

I’m still concerned that the guy is going to come back into the picture and cause trouble for your friendship (or you, for that matter). People in unstable relationships frequently break up and get together again, and jealousy on both sides flares up.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

I have a female best friend. I have liked her romantically in the past and I wanted a romantic relationship with her in the past but now I don’t. I enjoy the fact that we are best friends and that we can talk to each other and be there for each other in a platonic way. A lot of guys would probably be ticked off to just be friends with a woman and not go any further if he had feelings for her but I guess I am not like that. Am I being too comfortable in being just friends with a woman? I know that if I want to find a woman I would have to make an effort but I guess with a great female best friend why would I have to find a girlfriend? It seems I have a lot of qualities of being with a good girlfriend without the boyfriend/girlfriend commitment. Am I wrong? Also she has a baby now and feelings her baby’s father so it would probably be a good idea to just be friends with her.

That is fine for the time being. But realize that once she gets married or you get married that it will change and you will not be “best friends” If that baby daddy ever decides to get serious. You will be the first target to be discarded.

 

[Gordon_Sims]

The “friend zone” is a construct of a shallow, narcissistic, hyper-sexualized culture that wants people to believe there’s something wrong if two young people of the opposite sex can spend time together without fornicating. One of my best friends from elementary school through college was female. For most of my college years I had two close groups of friends, one of which was entirely female. I spent countless hours with them and never considered anything other than friendship with them. None of my male friends saw anything wrong or weird about it, but the “friend zone” wasn’t a thing back then so they had no reason to. There’s nothing wrong with being a friend with no ulterior motives.

 

[Sarcelle]

The “friend zone” is a construct of a shallow, narcissistic, hyper-sexualized culture that wants people to believe there’s something wrong if two young people of the opposite sex can spend time together without fornicating. One of my best friends from elementary school through college was female. For most of my college years I had two close groups of friends, one of which was entirely female. I spent countless hours with them and never considered anything other than friendship with them. None of my male friends saw anything wrong or weird about it, but the “friend zone” wasn’t a thing back then so they had no reason to. There’s nothing wrong with being a friend with no ulterior motives.

Bravo! :clapping:

You hit the nail on the head. Friendship, true friendship, is so undervalued these days.

 

[styrgwillidar]

You’re not in the ‘friendzone’, you’re friends. The friendzone implies not being happy or content with being friends and sticking around only hoping it will go farther vice accepting what it is- friendship. Since you sincerely want this to be a friendship vice maintaining a friendship on false pretense of hoping for more, no problem.

You’ll both need to be respectful of the feelings of other folks that either of you get involved with more seriously. When you get to the point in life of having a partner, your friend will need to respect that woman’s feelings regarding the extent of your friendship. Your future girlfriend/spouse will need to come first, regardless of the length of your friendship and history.

 

[EasterJoy]

The “friend zone” is a construct of a shallow, narcissistic, hyper-sexualized culture that wants people to believe there’s something wrong if two young people of the opposite sex can spend time together without fornicating. One of my best friends from elementary school through college was female. For most of my college years I had two close groups of friends, one of which was entirely female. I spent countless hours with them and never considered anything other than friendship with them. None of my male friends saw anything wrong or weird about it, but the “friend zone” wasn’t a thing back then so they had no reason to. There’s nothing wrong with being a friend with no ulterior motives.

Gordon, for how much of human history have young unmarried men spent lots of time with young unmarried women without being the romantic interest of any of them?

In the circles I was in, “friend zone” applied to two kinds of guys. The first were the guys who had their girl friend unilaterally break up with them, sometimes in order to date someone else, but ask to “still be friends,” in the usually unrealistic hope that the two of them could be comfortable in the same social circle in spite of the uncomfortable truth that the original boyfriend never wanted to break up. The second group was guys who wanted a girlfriend–not necessarily for sex, but to have someone to court–but who was seen as a brother by all the women he knew. These guys were frustrated that all the women saw them as “nice” guys but not “attractive” guys. It is about being available and wanting a girlfriend, but having none of your female friends want you. That is not automatically “shallow,” “narcissistic,” or “hyper-sexualized.” Sometimes, it is just wanting to be married and wondering how that is ever going to happen.

IOW, if you don’t want a girlfriend or you already* have* a girlfriend, you cannot be “friend-zoned.” The term applies to a disparity in attraction. When neither side is interested in a romance, that’s called a platonic friendship. If you already have a girlfriend, you’d* better* be on platonic terms with other women. That does not mean they have “friend-zoned” you.

 

[Gordon_Sims]

Gordon, for how much of human history have young unmarried men spent lots of time with young unmarried women without being the romantic interest of any of them?

In the circles I was in, “friend zone” applied to two kinds of guys. The first were the guys who had their girl friend unilaterally break up with them, sometimes in order to date someone else, but ask to “still be friends,” in the usually unrealistic hope that the two of them could be comfortable in the same social circle in spite of the uncomfortable truth that the original boyfriend never wanted to break up. The second group was guys who wanted a girlfriend–not necessarily for sex, but to have someone to court–but who was seen as a brother by all the women he knew. These guys were frustrated that all the women saw them as “nice” guys but not “attractive” guys. It is about being available and wanting a girlfriend, but having none of your female friends want you. That is not automatically “shallow,” “narcissistic,” or “hyper-sexualized.” Sometimes, it is just wanting to be married and wondering how that is ever going to happen.

IOW, if you don’t want a girlfriend or you already* have* a girlfriend, you cannot be “friend-zoned.” The term applies to a disparity in attraction. When neither side is interested in a romance, that’s called a platonic friendship. If you already have a girlfriend, you’d* better* be on platonic terms with other women. That does not mean they have “friend-zoned” you.

I’m not sure I can give a definitive answer but I’d imagine it’s been quite a while. Two of my female friends in college were married but the rest were single. We considered each other attractive and were all very interested in a relationship–long or short term depending on the person–just not with each other. We enjoyed each other’s company, though, had shared interests and liked hanging out together. I never saw our friendship as odd or felt pity for myself when a night out dancing, watching movies together or even hanging out in the one’s hot tub didn’t end in an orgy (and there was always drinking involved so our inhibitions were always quite low by the end of the night, and still nothing happened). Nowadays I’d be considered some sort of freak and loser for that and subjected to all manner of internet shaming. I think that’s ridiculous.

 

[Sarcelle]

I’m not sure I can give a definitive answer but I’d imagine it’s been quite a while. Two of my female friends in college were married but the rest were single. We considered each other attractive and were all very interested in a relationship–long or short term depending on the person–just not with each other. We enjoyed each other’s company, though, had shared interests and liked hanging out together. I never saw our friendship as odd or felt pity for myself when a night out dancing, watching movies together or even hanging out in the one’s hot tub didn’t end in an orgy (and there was always drinking involved so our inhibitions were always quite low by the end of the night, and still nothing happened). Nowadays I’d be considered some sort of freak and loser for that and subjected to all manner of internet shaming. I think that’s ridiculous.

You and I are similar.

Even when I was an atheist, I was never obsessed with having a sexual relationship. I was not opposed to premarital sex, but I did not actively seek it out either. I was perfectly content with platonic friendship with both men and women.

 

[ToeInTheWater]

I have a male friend who I have known for many years, who is now happily married, and I have certainly noticed some distance between us than before he become serious with and married his now-wife.

However, I think this is quite appropriate and also, while we have very compatible personalities, we have always had differences regarding politics, religion, etc., which made me realize from the start that it was unwise to pursue anything more than friendship. (Even though many mutual friends thought we should date).

So to the OP, I would agree with those who have cautioned you regarding boundaries, if your female friend does marry someone else, while this does not mean you cannot remain friends at all, she may no longer be your best friend, and certainly you would no longer be the most important man in her life.

I have also always found ideal, a marriage in which the spouse is your best opposite sex friend. Relationships based on eros alone usually are not enough to sustain a long-term relationship.