Is it wrong to have sex when finished having kids?

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MayaElizabeth

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Hi, this is my first time posting, please be gentle. My question is one I’ve had for a while now. I’m a Catholic, have three kids and don’t take birth control but my husband uses contraceptives so we won’t conceive since we decided we’re done with having kids. Since I know it’s wrong to use contraceptives (and I need to go to confession for that), are we not to have sex anymore in our whole entire lifetime? I strive to be a better Catholic and don’t know what to do. I’d be perfectly OK if I was told never to have sex anymore but I worry my husband would not be. What do I do or what should I do? Please advise.
:confused:
 
NFP.

NFP is the only method approved by the Church by which you can delay having more kids…and then you are only allowed to follow NFP if you have serious reasons for doing so.

Abstinence is the only method approved by the Chruch by which you can stop having kids altogether…and then you are only allowed to follow abstinence if you have serious reasons for doing so.

If there is nothing in your life that seriously prohibits you from having more children, then you practice no form of birth spacing, have sex regularly, and accept the children as the come.
 
MayaElizabeth said:
Hi, this is my first time posting, please be gentle. My question is one I’ve had for a while now. I’m a Catholic, have three kids and don’t take birth control but my husband uses contraceptives so we won’t conceive since we decided we’re done with having kids. Since I know it’s wrong to use contraceptives (and I need to go to confession for that), are we not to have sex anymore in our whole entire lifetime? I strive to be a better Catholic and don’t know what to do. I’d be perfectly OK if I was told never to have sex anymore but I worry my husband would not be. What do I do or what should I do? Please advise.
:confused:
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Welcome to CAF! Glad to have you here.

Since it is your husband and not you that is using contraceptives, you do not need to go to confession because of this. However, if your husband is Catholic, he needs to go to confession. The Church teaches that you should be admonishing your husband on the grave nature of using contraceptives, but you can continue to have relations with him even if he contracepts.

There was quite a healthy debate on this issue recently.

As far as being “done having kids”, there really needs to be a legitimate reason to decide not to have any more kids. It has to be more than just a convenience.

You and your husband are in my prayers!
 
To answer your question, it is not wrong to have sex once your done having kids. But the question you need to be asking yourself is “why” are you done having kids?

Sex has a two-fold purpose in marriage, it is meant for the unity and love of the couple and for child-bearing. When these two purposes are separated it is a grave matter. Every act of coitus must remain open to life, meaning you are not doing anything to prevent conception using your own means. If you and your husband have serious reasons for not having more children (convenience is not a serious reason) then the only way to morally go about it would be to practice NFP.

Children are truly a gift from God, and even when we have decided that we are done having children, God may have a different opinion. Always bring it to him in prayer, He will help you 🙂
 
MayaElizabeth said:
Hi, this is my first time posting, please be gentle. My question is one I’ve had for a while now. I’m a Catholic, have three kids and don’t take birth control but my husband uses contraceptives so we won’t conceive since we decided we’re done with having kids. Since I know it’s wrong to use contraceptives (and I need to go to confession for that), are we not to have sex anymore in our whole entire lifetime? I strive to be a better Catholic and don’t know what to do. I’d be perfectly OK if I was told never to have sex anymore but I worry my husband would not be. What do I do or what should I do? Please advise.
:confused:
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As a means of regulating birth, natural family planning (NFP) is morally licit. It also happens to be the most effective means of regulating birth. See studies here.
 
To clarify something, if she consented to his use (either by encouragement or failing to discourage) than yes she needs to confess this. A husband would be guilty of the same if he does nothing to discourage his wife from using birth control. That being said, if a spouse refuses to change even after counseling them about using NFP and how this violates Church teaching, they can then still engage the marital act without culpability.
To the original poster… I would say find a teacher of NFP anyways and atleast be abstinent during fertile times if possible as an extra sacrifice for your husband if he does not go along with NFP. If that sacrifice is something your husband refuses (the abstinence) and you sense it would hurt your marriage more than not, as long as you counseled him to change and encouraged NFP, you are not guilty after that.
Hope confession goes well! God’s mercy is great! Oh and Christopher West’s book, “Good News on Sex and Marriage” would be a great resource to read with him to help him see the light and you can learn man great things as well!
product.half.ebay.com/_W0QQprZ1736482QQtgZinfo
That is the link for it online or at
www.christopherwest.com for his website!
 
Thank you all so much for answering my question. I am a healthy woman capable of having more children if God wishes and I shouldn’t try to control it. My excuses for not having children are lame, I say kids are expensive- especially since I live in SF, CA. I know in my mind and in my heart if it’s God’s will to have more children we will somehow be able to pull thru since God has always been with me. It also hurts me when I say I’m done having kids when I know that should be God’s decision. I should be greatful for being able to have children and ashamed for not wanting any more considering there are so many woman out there who pray to have children and can not.
Thank you all very much.
🙂
 
Children are a blessing from God. However, it is a common misunderstanding of Catholic moral theology that couples must keep having children, so long as they are able. While they certainly may continue having more children, no couple is obliged to have more children beyond what the Church describes as the “morally correct level.” It is the couple’s responsibility to discern what the “morally correct level” is, taking into account the good of the family, state of health and means of the couple, the good of society, the good of the Church, and the good of mankind.

“Just” or worthy reasons are require if the couple seeks to use NFP to limit the number of their children below the morally correct level.

According to John Paul II:
The use of the infertile periods for conjugal union can be an abuse if the couple, for unworthy reasons, seeks in this way to avoid having children, thus lowering the number of births in their family below the morally correct level. This morally correct level must be established by taking into account not only the good of one’s own family, and even the state of health and the means of the couple themselves, but also the good of the society to which they belong, of the Church, and even of all mankind.
[John Paul II, http://www.ewtn.com/library/PAPALDOC/jp2tb120.htm”]General Audience address, 5 September 1984
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]
 
Most catholics & other denominations are limiting the amount of Children they have either through NFP or other means.I believe its wrong to bring children into the world that You cant take care of,Most Catholic couples are having like one or two children these days, of course there are some exceptions. I am not saying that this is right, just saying what is
 
NoWhereMan said:
Most catholics & other denominations are limiting the amount of Children they have either through NFP or other means.I believe its wrong to bring children into the world that You cant take care of,Most Catholic couples are having like one or two children these days, of course there are some exceptions. I am not saying that this is right, just saying what is
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Where did you find such numbers?
 
catharina said:
Where did you find such numbers?
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It’s probably just personal observation from their own parish… I’ve seen this to a certain degree in my own parish. But it’s more like “half and half” and not “most”. There are still lots of BIG Catholic families where I am at.
 
catharina said:
Where did you find such numbers?
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I live in the world & I can see & I also hear many Catholics say, No More!
I attend Church regularly & I see the couples coming to church with their kids. I know personally many catholics who have limited the amount of children they had, & to me it doesn`t mean they are bad or sinful people. The Church is not going to support your large brood of children, with the Cost of Catholic school tuition going thru the roof, many Catholics had to take their children out of the catholic schools
 
I also live in san Francisco. I am born and raised third generation Irish-Mexican Catholic. I have two daughters and two neices we help raise. We get our share of harassment. I have walked into a store with all four girls and been sneered at being called, “Breeder!” There are economic and social pressures against having children at all, as well as having “too many” in San Francisco. Saint Francis can not be happy with the current state of the city named in his honor and founded by Catholics who had “too many” kids. God bless you and your family.
MayaElizabeth said:
Thank you all so much for answering my question. I am a healthy woman capable of having more children if God wishes and I shouldn’t try to control it. My excuses for not having children are lame, I say kids are expensive- especially since I live in SF, CA. I know in my mind and in my heart if it’s God’s will to have more children we will somehow be able to pull thru since God has always been with me. It also hurts me when I say I’m done having kids when I know that should be God’s decision. I should be greatful for being able to have children and ashamed for not wanting any more considering there are so many woman out there who pray to have children and can not.
Thank you all very much.
🙂
Click to expand...
 
NoWhereMan said:
I live in the world & I can see & I also hear many Catholics say, No More!
I attend Church regularly & I see the couples coming to church with their kids. I know personally many catholics who have limited the amount of children they had, & to me it doesn`t mean they are bad or sinful people. The Church is not going to support your large brood of children, with the Cost of Catholic school tuition going thru the roof, many Catholics had to take their children out of the catholic schools
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OK. Got it.
You’re “quoting numbers” based on your assumption.
 
mexilad said:
I also live in san Francisco. I am born and raised third generation Irish-Mexican Catholic. I have two daughters and two neices we help raise. We get our share of harassment. I have walked into a store with all four girls and been sneered at being called, “Breeder!” There are economic and social pressures against having children at all, as well as having “too many” in San Francisco. Saint Francis can not be happy with the current state of the city named in his honor and founded by Catholics who had “too many” kids. God bless you and your family.
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I’m in San Francisco five days a week.
Without fail, I pray to St. Francisc to restore his city.
 
How many Catholic couples actually practice NFP??? I’d really like to know. I’ve always wondered about this. I never married because I just didn’t want to deal with it because I have never been fortunate to date a practicing Catholic man. I’ve dated Catholic men, but they were not really committed to following the teachings of the Church. I’d rather be single than to have to deal with this subject for decades while being married to someone who does not share my beliefs.
 
As a catholic who does not agree with, nor plans to follow, the church’s teaching on contraception in my lifetime my opinion on the matter seems rather out of place- but all the same, I’d say it’s not wrong.
 
MayaElizabeth said:
Hi, this is my first time posting, please be gentle. My question is one I’ve had for a while now. I’m a Catholic, have three kids and don’t take birth control but my husband uses contraceptives so we won’t conceive since we decided we’re done with having kids. Since I know it’s wrong to use contraceptives (and I need to go to confession for that), are we not to have sex anymore in our whole entire lifetime? I strive to be a better Catholic and don’t know what to do. I’d be perfectly OK if I was told never to have sex anymore but I worry my husband would not be. What do I do or what should I do? Please advise.
:confused:
Click to expand...
It is certainly wrong for you never to have sex as a married couple unless the contraceptive you are using is abortifacient or causes abortion in some way ie. birth control drugs, abortion pills and surgical abortion. The contraceptive pill can potentially abort an embryo every year. Spermicide also has a rare abortifacient effect and is sometimes used on condom tips but many condom manufacturers have removed it. As a married couple it’s important that the contraceptive you use does not cause abortion. Secondly it is also important that you look after each others’ needs and that the other person is not tempted to have an affair. There is no obligation to abstain following sterilisation despite what people say in the NFP camp. Vasectomy is more ethical than female sterilisation as it is easier to reverse and there is no increased risk of ectopic pregnancy. There is a minor increase of risk of ectopic pregnancy which is a pregnancy within the fallopian tube following female sterilisation or reversal.

NFP is also an option to consider and in accordance with the Church’s teaching. Here are some websites:

nfpandmore.org/nfphowto.shtml
Contains info. on the symptothermal method and breastfeeding although breastfeeding should only be done with medical advice.

nfp.marquette.edu/pdf/nfp_user_manual.pdf
User manual for the Marquette Method by Marquette university which involves use of Clearblue urine fertility monitor.

irh.org/nfp.htm
Contains info on the Standard Days Method (calendar based) and Two Day Method (cervical mucus)

There is also the Billings Ovulation Method and a newer version is Creighton Model.

Some people use a Fertility Awareness Method which is using a barrier method such as non-spermicidal condom during a couples’ fertile phase but there is increased possibility of pregnancy compared to abstinence based NFP. This is a good book: Taking Charge of Your Fertility by Toni Weschler.

amazon.com/Taking-Charge-Your-Fertility-Anniversary/dp/0060881909/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1248079569&sr=8-1

This is the order of most ethically acceptable to least ethically acceptable contraception for Catholics. Abortifacient birth control is not acceptable to Catholics at all.

NFP - most ethical
FAM
non-spermicidal, non-lubricated condoms
non-spermicidal condoms
vasectomy
female sterilisation. - least ethical but still sometimes justifiable.
 
If you are, for good reasons, not wanting to concieve, there are essentially two options - abstinence and NFP.

In the past, abstinence was the only option, since there was no reliable NFP. And that is what couples who really needed to avoid more children did. They took it pretty seriously too - they really didn’t want to have a pregnancy, and so had to really sacrifice for it.

NFP is now an option, which is nice and takes a great burden off of many people. It can also make not having more kids seem like only a small sacrifice, so one has to be careful of the psychological effect on the reasons for avoiding conception. It’s quite reliable if you learn it and actually practice it.

Couples may still choose, if both agree, to abstain. Some do this and decide to devote themselves to a life of prayer - they may even decide to enter monastic life once the kids are grown. Not everyone is called to this though again, it was more common in the past.
 
I have noticed the real social horror of large families that some pps have mentioned. It seems to be that three is the level that most people accept, beyond that there is some idea that you must be irresponsible, or not able to understand how to limit your fertility.

Friends of mine have a family of six - they get some really rude comments, very personal ones too.
 
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