Is it wrong to not give our child a sibling?

[quiet52]

I think it can be stressful for “only” children to think about caring for their parents in future years, by themselves.
Think of the potentially unshared “cost” issue – for the “only” who has no sibling to share the responsibility with.

 

[underacloud]

mkipp, it sounds like you have no real reason not to have another child. But there’s lots of good reasons to have another child, including…

“the greatest gift you can give your child is another sibling” JPII.

 

[3DOCTORS]

mkipp, it sounds like you have no real reason not to have another child. But there’s lots of good reasons to have another child, including…

“the greatest gift you can give your child is another sibling” JPII.

I didn’t know Pope John Paul II said that! He speaks from experience as he was the lone survivor of his immediate family by the age of 20. Contrast that with Pope Benedict XVI, who got to celebrate his 86th birthday with his brother, Monsignor Georg Ratzinger. Priceless.

 

[Viki63]

An article that may be of interest: Has the One-Child Policy Spoiled China’s Children?

I raised 5 kids, and wish I had had more. They are all so different and so wonderful. Couldn’t do without any of them, even my 16 year old who is currently a pain in the ahem.

 

[OLofMtCarmel]

completely your decision… if you feel its right and it would bring another wonderful creation into this world go for it

Actually, NFP is often justified under false assertion. It should only be used by someone in a serious situation. I find Catholics using it just like the pill, and for that I firmly believe they are wrong. I believe it would be or is grave matter. But so many from my own generation were so poorly catechized they went to ABC and now NFP. NFP is fine, but only under certain situations. It’s not a get out of jail free card. I haven’t hear a single argument that justifies NFP being used like birth control yet. The catechism is quite clear about it. I have no idea how Catholics have turned it into its current use. Always open to learning more. We’re past that. My wife was a practicing Protestant and tied her tubes, which really angered me. But I bit my lips and have done so ever since. I am so relieved that we did not stop at child number 1. It took me 7 years to convince my wife to have a second child. I hated ABC back then and still do. I believe it goes well beyond evil. It nearly destroyed my marriage because I wanted children, but my wife did her thing anyway. Be OPEN to GOD. Let him decide.

Oh, and we’re not rich. In fact, we’ve always struggled in spite of our degrees. We’re struggling to keep our home now. But we would never blame it on having children. That’s what Satan wants you to believe.

 

[ATeutonicKnight]

If my sister didn’t exist, I don’t know where I would be right now. I wouldn’t be religious, and I wouldn’t have met the girl I really like. And even if I did, without my sister’s guidance, she rightfully wouldn’t want anything to do with me, anyway. Sometimes brothers and sisters are torn apart for one reason or another, but that is no reason not to have more than one child. You learn so much from having a brother or sister you wouldn’t generally learn, even if you are the same sex, but especially if you aren’t. It was really difficult when my sister left for college (She’s six years older than me), and it was really hard when she came back in Spring of last year, only to leave again for the long-haul in November when she got married. The realization that it would never quite be the same was a hard reality for me. But even now, she mothers me like she always has (It’s always been more motherly with her than sisterly), and things are going great. Even if something unlikely were to happen and we got mad and stopped talking to each other, I would still be grateful for the years we had together and for all the help she gave me.

 

[lifeisbeautiful]

If you want one, have one. If not, don’t.

This isn’t really the attitude the Church teaches us is the healthiest for marriage and families. As married couple we should be open to children always, and can use NFP if we prayerfully discern we have serious/just/grave/unselfish (I think I covered all the terms out there ) reasons (or abstain completely if necessary). Using NFP does not mean you are closed to more children, it means you have discerned the reasons to avoid and are abstaining periodically to avoid children, but would lovingly accept any God may send your way.

It isn’t about whether or not it is wrong to not give a child a sibling (although according to blessed John Paul II a sibling is the best gift you could ever give your child), it is about being open to God’s will for your family with generosity and without fear. We should not confuse prudence with fear.

Also, even if you are open to more, it does not mean God will send more. Some people get upset when they avoid until they reach the timing they wanted for children, and then children don’t come when they planned. We need to seek His will, His timing. Other times people are open to His will, but He does not send them children. This is why I was saying that we cannot automatically say it is wrong to not give a child a sibling. It isn’t up to us! God may decide to leave one family with just one child, or no children. May His will be done, not ours. Some families may discern they need to grow through adoption, but other families may discern that God kept them small for a different reason and they are to use their gifts and talents in a different way. It’s all about seeking what God wants, not what we want.

Society nowadays wants to scare everyone into thinking you have to be a millionaire to have kids. We are on our 6th and we are far from rich monetarily, but we are definitely rich with family!

 

[3DOCTORS]

This isn’t really the attitude the Church teaches us is the healthiest for marriage and families. As married couple we should be open to children always, and can use NFP if we prayerfully discern we have serious/just/grave/unselfish (I think I covered all the terms out there ) reasons (or abstain completely if necessary). Using NFP does not mean you are closed to more children, it means you have discerned the reasons to avoid and are abstaining periodically to avoid children, but would lovingly accept any God may send your way.

It isn’t about whether or not it is wrong to not give a child a sibling (although according to blessed John Paul II a sibling is the best gift you could ever give your child), it is about being open to God’s will for your family with generosity and without fear. We should not confuse prudence with fear.

Also, even if you are open to more, it does not mean God will send more. Some people get upset when they avoid until they reach the timing they wanted for children, and then children don’t come when they planned. We need to seek His will, His timing. Other times people are open to His will, but He does not send them children. This is why I was saying that we cannot automatically say it is wrong to not give a child a sibling. It isn’t up to us! God may decide to leave one family with just one child, or no children. May His will be done, not ours. Some families may discern they need to grow through adoption, but other families may discern that God kept them small for a different reason and they are to use their gifts and talents in a different way. It’s all about seeking what God wants, not what we want.

Society nowadays wants to scare everyone into thinking you have to be a millionaire to have kids. We are on our 6th and we are far from rich monetarily, but we are definitely rich with family!

Very well put. I think it’s the mentality that you describe in your last paragraph that saddens me to see - even just a little bit. Money problems are no fun to be sure, but some folks don’t even really have serious money problems, they just fear having another child too much in proportion to a financial sacrifice that isn’t that bad, especially not when compared with the intangible benefits of bringing another soul into the world AND giving their other child(ren) another sibling.

There’s this mentality in the US anyway that parents have to be able to pay each child’s way through college, for instance. I disagree. The child can work and/or get scholarships to help out and he/she will probably be the better for the experience. Likewise, it is not mandatory to have a new house in the 'burbs and all kinds of costly activities for your child(ren). There are ways to give your family a decent roof over their heads and cultural and educational experiences without spending a lot of money - and a lot of time rushing to and fro. Children also need downtime to just play spontaneously; many no longer know how to entertain themselves.

 

[ThyKingdomCome]

We have a soon to be 4 year old daughter. My wife and I will be 35 this summer, and we are debating if we should have another child. We are regular middle class professionals, and have the space in our house. But, we always worry about the cost of a second child. Also, would it be good for our daughter to have sibling.

Not to pick on you, but I would like to challenge your choice of questions. Rather than ask if you ought to give your child a sibling, the question that pops out at me from your post is: *do I have a serious reason to specifically avoid pregnancy? *

Based only on the information you have just provided, I would say that you don’t have a serious reason. Of course I understand that there is more to your lives than what you wrote here, and I am not actually qualified to make that judgment for real.

Now if you are already “not avoiding” and are wondering if you should be actively trying for a child, then forgive me. Personally, I would not hesitate to answer an emphatic YES! (Based on the info you have given here). But that is no more than my personal opinion that intentionally stopping at one without a serious reason doesn’t make sense.

 

[aspirant]

Does an only child miss having a sibling?

Speaking as an only child, I don’t.

Please understand: I’m not saying that I would not want a sibling. Nor am I saying that I would want a sibling.

I’m saying I cannot know through my own experiences what having a sibling is like. I cannot really imagine what my life would have been like with a sibling (it would only be fantasy anyway, real people are not our own constructs!), and I don’t have the two lives (one with a sibling and another without) to compare to one another. Yes, I know lots of other people who have siblings. Some of their relationships are great, some are not, but none of their experiences are mine.



Also, I know this doesn’t really help the OP make a decision, sorry.

 

[maryjk]

Actually, NFP is often justified under false assertion. It should only be used by someone in a serious situation. I find Catholics using it just like the pill, and for that I firmly believe they are wrong. I believe it would be or is grave matter. But so many from my own generation were so poorly catechized they went to ABC and now NFP. NFP is fine, but only under certain situations. It’s not a get out of jail free card. I haven’t hear a single argument that justifies NFP being used like birth control yet. The catechism is quite clear about it. I have no idea how Catholics have turned it into its current use. Always open to learning more.

Assuming you mean using NFP like birth control means using it long term, you need to get out more.

It also could be that women are not comfortable telling a man that is not their doctor or husband why they are not actively trying to get pregnant.

You might want to check out the thread currently listing why people use NFP. It might be an eye opener.

 

[The_Bucket]

Speaking as someone who uses NFP, I have no earthly idea how it would be used as “birth control.” Spacing? Sure. Even indefinite spacing? Yeah. But birth control in the modern sense? Birth control in the modern sense means you get “consequence free” sex on demand. That simply does not happen with NFP.

 

[3DOCTORS]

A suggestion for the OP - and also to get this thread on track to focus on her main question instead of NFP/birth control too much:

Could you start imagining having another baby in a positive way? Visualizing your current child and the new one interacting? Seeing your family as a unit of four or even more persons? And just sit with those images and emotions for awhile and ask God in your heart what He possibly wants to give you if you’re open to receiving? Ask the Blessed Mother too, one mother to another, to guide you and intercede for you!

 

[The_Bucket]

It might help to look at some of your own issues, OP, and see if you are in the proper frame of mind to deal with another child. I’m not saying that people in your shoes can’t be great parents or shouldn’t have more kids (I mean, I’m having another one!) but it’s something to consider.

 

[maryjk]

Speaking as someone who uses NFP, I have no earthly idea how it would be used as “birth control.” Spacing? Sure. Even indefinite spacing? Yeah. But birth control in the modern sense? Birth control in the modern sense means you get “consequence free” sex on demand. That simply does not happen with NFP.

I always laugh when someone says something about using NFP “with a contraceptive mindset” or " as birth control."

I always want to say. “Try it.” Cause let me tell you. It ain’t easy.

 

[OLofMtCarmel]

Assuming you mean using NFP like birth control means using it long term, you need to get out more.

It also could be that women are not comfortable telling a man that is not their doctor or husband why they are not actively trying to get pregnant.

You might want to check out the thread currently listing why people use NFP. It might be an eye opener.

And with your spirit.

No need for hostility. Wow! Sounds like somethings bugging you. And it’s not me. No excuse.

 

[maryjk]

And with your spirit.

No need for hostility. Wow! Sounds like somethings bugging you. And it’s not me. No excuse.

Hostility? Sorry, I don’t see it.

Maybe you can explain your statement.

I haven’t hear a single argument that justifies NFP being used like birth control yet.

What do you mean “like birth control?”

Long term?

To avoid becoming pregnant?

 

[Deo_Gratias42]

My mom has been an elementary school teacher for over 30 years now. One thing she has noticed is that children who come from large families come to school socialized, whereas those who come from small families and single child families tend to have problems socializing in school.

Also, people will often use the money excuse to avoid having more than one or two children, but it’s because they spoil their child(ren) and give them everything. If you look at Latin Mass communities, there are large families on a single income and still manage to provide for all their children. It means cutting back on materialism and luxuries.

 

[john_ennis]

Of course, it’s your decision and responsibility. God and you know what’s right for your family.

Not that others can’t give you their perspective. We can be sure that the culture is putting in its two cents. I see it, gratingly, as a high school teacher.

In a nutshell, it distorts and exaggerates the “costs” of raising kids, and ignores the good:
–Between siblings, the playing, the chats, the fights, the teaching, and the understanding that There Are Others Besides Myself In The World, are a continuous reality. I alone could never give my kids this–not in the same way.
–We frequently echo the data (how many times have we all heard it?) that childrearing costs so many hundred thousand dollars per child. The claim is empirically contradicted (or else my single dad, father of five, never really existed–the numbers just don’t add up), but is widely accepted anyway.
–In high school Child Development classes across the country, we send the boys and girls home with mechanical babies, to wake them up all night. Thus we teach that the fundamental fact about babies is that they’re annoying. That’s why you shouldn’t get pregnant.
–Note that the above lesson appeals to selfishness. We take a pass on the opportunity to appeal to students’ unselfishness. We DON’T say, “The baby’s a feeling, needing, valuable person like you. She deserves a stable family, not a teen mom. That’s why you shouldn’t get pregnant.”
And of course (for Pete's sake!), people who are not *at all* sure they're ready to have kids have been wonderfully raising them for millenia. It's less about readiness than about willingness. It's countering the world's cold practicality with a little bit of simple-mindedness. Anyone who wants to be a parent has to be a little simple-minded about it.

 

[3DOCTORS]

Speaking as an only child, I don’t.

Please understand: I’m not saying that I would not want a sibling. Nor am I saying that I would want a sibling.

I’m saying I cannot know through my own experiences what having a sibling is like. I cannot really imagine what my life would have been like with a sibling (it would only be fantasy anyway, real people are not our own constructs!), and I don’t have the two lives (one with a sibling and another without) to compare to one another. Yes, I know lots of other people who have siblings. Some of their relationships are great, some are not, but none of their experiences are mine.

I was struck by this post - I’m going to hazard a guess that your experience of being an only was fairly positive, since you maintain a balance smack-dab in the middle on the matter. Nothing wrong with that. More people seem to “love it or hate it.” My experience was more negative, though I eventually managed to accept it as God’s will. I’m just commenting on this post because it was a point of view I’d never come across before from another only!

We can be sure that the culture is putting in its two cents. I see it, gratingly, as a high school teacher.

In a nutshell, it distorts and exaggerates the “costs” of raising kids, and ignores the good:
–Between siblings, the playing, the chats, the fights, the teaching, and the understanding that There Are Others Besides Myself In The World, are a continuous reality. I alone could never give my kids this–not in the same way.
–We frequently echo the data (how many times have we all heard it?) that childrearing costs so many hundred thousand dollars per child. The claim is empirically contradicted (or else my single dad, father of five, never really existed–the numbers just don’t add up), but is widely accepted anyway.
–In high school Child Development classes across the country, we send the boys and girls home with mechanical babies, to wake them up all night. **Thus we teach that the fundamental fact about babies is that they’re annoying. ** That’s why you shouldn’t get pregnant.
–Note that the above lesson appeals to selfishness. We take a pass on the opportunity to appeal to students’ unselfishness. We DON’T say, "The baby’s a feeling, needing, valuable person like you. She deserves a stable family, not a teen mom. That’s why you shouldn’t get pregnant."

Bravo! Instead of helping people be prepared for the sacrifices of childrearing so that they won’t enter into it lightly or impulsively, we have gone overboard in some instances and effectively instilled a phobia of childrearing.