Is it wrong to spy on an unfaithful spouse?

[RascalJones]

Say you caught them, and they said they were sorry. Things go well for awhile, then you discover they are still communicating with “the other one”. Is it morally wrong to “check up on them”? (ie: check their email, cell phone, etc…)

What should someone do if they catch them still in communication, and you confront them with it, and it keeps happening?

 

[dulcissima]

No, I don’t think it is wrong. You have to protect yourself. If your wife is being unfaithful, she is putting you at risk.

I would talk to your priest as well as a marriage counselor would probably be able to give you concrete advice on what your wife would need to do to regain your trust.

Of course, if your wife is not committed to making changes, there really is little that you can do about it other than to not protect her from the consequences of her destructive behavior.

 

[teachccd]

I would also agree. But if your world consists of a spouse that you can no longer trust then you must seek counseling. It’s not wrong for you to spy on her. It’s wrong for her to be unfaithful…My prayers are with you…teachccd

 

[YinYangMom]

If you feel the need to spy, pick up the phone and dial a Catholic family counselor, not a private detective. And certainly do not do the spying yourself. It will bring you nothing but more anxiety.

Affairs are not the problem. A breakdown in communication is.
Fix the communication and the marriage can get back on track.

Spying on the spouse yourself will just prolong the damage already present.

You do not have to work on your marriage alone. Use counselors, priests, Retrouvaille. If you have an illness you go to a doctor and follow the prescription. It’s the same with your marriage. Once you notice the symptoms, go to a doctor and get a prescription. Then follow the directions!

 

[Yerusalyim]

My Advice, don’t take advice from amateurs on boards of this nature. Having said that, Yin is MOSTLY correct.

 

[FrankLawrence]

Whatever you do, DON’T MAKE HER PREGNANT.

 

[franco_antonio]

Yin is right, when you already know that your spouse is unfaithful, spying on her/him is not the second step on reconciliation but rather a program that will strengthen your relationship.

God Bless!

 

[proudnifi]

To make a marriage work well, and certainly to heal a wounded marriage, you need both parties to be working on it. It takes two to create a marriage but only one to “break” it.

If one party is continuing to work against the marriage (and hurting the other spouse), certainly it makes sense for the loyal spouse to gather information for self-protection.

As to what to do if it keeps happening, that is a tough one and many facts and circumstances need to be considered.

My prayers are with you.

 

[teachccd]

My Advice, don’t take advice from amateurs on boards of this nature. Having said that, Yin is MOSTLY correct.

Does this include your post as well??

 

[otjm]

Adultery is one of the most, if not the most damaging things that can happen to a marriage. Once adultery has occured, the likelyhood of that marriage surviving until the natural death of one of the parties plummits.

The damage is deeply scarring, as it goes to one of the basic elements of marriage - trust.

There is hardly a marriage out there in which both parties don’t have something they need to do some serious research and work on. I ahve heard repeatedly of the “innocent spouse”, but practical experience is that the “innocent spouse” has some tough questions to ask themselves.

If the other party (the philanderer, hereninafter P) was never really engaged in the marriage, the wronged spouse (W) has to ask themselves why they picked P for a lifelong partner. In most cases where P never really ahd any honest intent to make a conventual realtionship, there was almost alwyas evidence before the marriage; why did W not see it, or why did W ignore it?

And if the parties, for all appearances, were in a covnentual relationship, how did it go so far south that one of them would stray? I do not suggest that W was “responsible” for the choice by P to find a “lover”, but communication is a two way street; and in most instances neither party was walking down the street. In short, it takes two to make a fight.

Where is this going? Once an affair has been discovered, everything needs to come to a halt. at that halt, both parties need to get ineo some serious and fairly long term counceling - this is not something that will be solved is a few sessions - and they both need individual as well as couple counseling. and while in individual counseling, the other party has a legal right to privacy, there needs to be some way that both parties will be acquainted with the fact, if it occurs, that one of them is not taking it seriously and actively persuing a healing.

Without this counseling (professional), the chances of this marriage surviving is almost zero. It isn’t a question if the marriage will survive, it is a question of how soon it will result in either divorce or abandonment.

So, the OP’s question “is it morally wrong to check up” misses what the real question is. It isn’t a question of “is it morally wrong to check up on them”; it is, what have you done about getting counseling - both of you?

If the answer is that you haven’t, then what you find yourself in is a contiual spiral, out of controll, with emotions swinging for a giddy hope to black dispair to anxious wondering to fretting to fear to denial and back again. If it didn’t get worked out in counseling that the affair was over - completely and absolutely - then either there wasn’t counseling, or W was in denial of the fact that P was not going to give up the “lover”, or P is a pathological liar (and there should be other evidence of this already in the marriage).

And I mean “absolutely”. Not, “I had an affair with my co-worker, and I promise I’ll never see them again”. That is not absolute, that is lala land BS. They are going to go to work the next day at the same place with the same person and W bought that? I have a bridge to sell… with some ocean front property in Arizona…cont.

 

[otjm]

To continue:

Often what is operating, besides the wild swings in emotions, is “radar denial”.

Kids are interesting. They have not built up the layers of defense and denial that adults have, and they can come up with absolutely lazer sharp statements of what is going on with someone. We have learned, if you will, to tune down our innate powers of observation and not “hear” what they are telling us. Too often, in the case of post-adultery, there are the same tell-tales occuring, and the radar starts going off. That leads us to start checking up on P. Not without reason; but the problem was that the whole issue didn’t get resolved, once and for all; W takes P back; W is so afraid of P leaving (after all, P had another lover, so what is to stop P from leaving???) that W, who wants desparately to stay married, will not insist on the counseling; and will not insist that P actively and openly resolve the issue; P on the other hand, because of innate guilt (never mind the sexual revolution, it is still there) over the affair, and often the guilt of having been caught, promises anything, but without delivering anything.

Thus the situation is beyond ripe for a repeat. Whatever caused the straying, whether it was distance in the marriage, unresolved anger, the chance of a sexual thrill, or the naievety that some have with a seductive “lover” getting suckered into an emotional spiral with the 'lover" that ends up in bed ("No one understood them - no one being the “lover’s” spouse, or whomever), it hasn’t been dealt with; P doesn’t really want to deal with it, as P sort of wants out of the marriage and sort of doesn’t want out; and W is terrified of P leaving for good. So they “pretend” (neither would admit this) that it will all be better.

And thus we end up with W wanting to know if it is moral to spy on the two.

It truly is a wonder that more philanderers are not murdered by the spouse, most particularly because of the combination of the emotional mood swings of W, and the futher philandering of P. And I say that with all seriousness.

Many marriages do not survive an affair. And a lot of the reasons are because of what I have described. Usually, the one having the affair is the stronger one of the two emotionally; perhaps stronger is not the exact term. More forceful might be closer. W often does not have the emotional capacity to say “You have two choices: we get counseling and we fix this or you pack your bags.” And that is understandable particularly if there are children involved and W has any clue what a divorce will do to the children.

However, the results are more predictable than a cheap dime store novel.

 

[Verisimilitude]

Say you caught them, and they said they were sorry. Things go well for awhile, then you discover they are still communicating with “the other one”. Is it morally wrong to “check up on them”? (ie: check their email, cell phone, etc…)

I would like to think I would resist the temptation to do that. If I had the suspicion enough to be justified in doing it, the confimation of it as fact or fiction has become irrelevent to the bond of unity marriage is all about. More so after a previous act of dishonor.

What should someone do if they catch them still in communication, and you confront them with it, and it keeps happening?

With prayerfull self dignity and rightfull indignation I would not to play the quiet fool to the suspicion. I would refuse to live under such a unhappy cloud and bring to light whatever it is.

If children are involved there is much to say, but overall my marriage vow is sacred if to no one else but to me. I might even choose to live a celibate life, living apart but still married. At least for a while, maybe forever. It’s uncomfortable to even ponder…I am sorry for those who find themselves in that place.

When someone in the marriage makes selfish and hurtfull decisions that affect your mental/spiritual/physical health- it is time to make personal decisions to protect yourself.

 

[In_Vino_Veritas]

Affairs are not the problem. A breakdown in communication is.

What a crock. This attitude blames the chaste spouse, as the lack of communication must be, at least in part, that spouse’s “fault.” It also minimizes the acts the unchaste spouse.

More correctly, a breakdown in communication is a problem in marriage. If communication is a problem in your marriage, work on it.

 

[YinYangMom]

What a crock. This attitude blames the chaste spouse, as the lack of communication must be, at least in part, that spouse’s “fault.” It also minimizes the acts the unchaste spouse.

More correctly, a breakdown in communication is a problem in marriage. If communication is a problem in your marriage, work on it.

There is no blame cast in identifying a break in communication as a foundational problem within a marriage.

You seem to have repeated my original position, a breakdown in communication is a problem in a marriage which needs to be worked on.

What happens if they don’t work on it? Many things, one of which may be infidelity.

Marriage and commitment takes two. One cannot, does not, operate in a void from the other. Anything one does affects the other, so yeah, in that way, if one party is unable to communicate the pain he/she is feeling as a result of the other party’s action or inaction then that other party has no reason to stop acting in that manner. At the same time if the party behaving in the offending manner cannot effectively communicate to the other party what he/she is doing and why (especially if it has anything to do with the other party) then that other party cannot change his/her behavior to improve the relationship.

As a FOCCUS faciliator for our parish my husband and I help prepare engaged couples for marriage in the church. The FOCCUS inventory is designed to flesh out a host of usually overlooked topics couples assume won’t matter to the marriage. One of those topics has to do with unfaithfulness. They don’t ask about infidelity because the truth of the matter is, infidelity flows from unfaithfulness. Unfaithfulness can manifest itself within a marriage when one party spends too much time with the children, with work, shopping, golfing, with inlaws, with friends - anything that places nurturing time with the spouse at the bottom of the list of priorities. FOCCUS helps couples understand that the commitment to each other, nurturing the loving, intimate relationship they enjoy at the beginning of the marriage, must remain at the top of the priority list over the years. If there is any indication it has dropped toward the middle they are to stop what they are doing and rekindle what was. If that means getting outside help, so be it. The key is to recognize the early signs of a broken line in communication.

 

[In_Vino_Veritas]

You wrote that “Affairs are not the problem.” Affairs are a problem. Do you really view affairs as merely symptomatic of a deeper problem and not problematic in themselves?

 

[Texas_Roofer]

You wrote that “Affairs are not the problem.” Affairs are a problem. Do you really view affairs as merely symptomatic of a deeper problem and not problematic in themselves?

she is correct

Affairs are a result of one longing to fulfill something. The void may come from many sources. As for the OP there are at least 3 problems 1) The OP has lost trust 2) The spouse has wondered, 3) Another is encouraging the spouse to stay astranged from the marriage.
My advise is: You control You and nothing else. So it is time to decide if you can live with the current problems or should move on.

 

[Dameedna]

Why is he/she unfaithful?

Despite all the rhetoric, that is really the question.

Ask your partner why. Scarriest thing you may ever do.

 

[YinYangMom]

You wrote that “Affairs are not the problem.” Affairs are a problem. Do you really view affairs as merely symptomatic of a deeper problem and not problematic in themselves?

Yes, the FOCCUS designers have researched and developed a program to help couples prepare themselves for long term commitments. Through that research it has been shown that affairs are symptoms of a deeper problem in the relationship.

Are affairs problematic in themselves? Sure, but so are alcoholism, shopping addictions, excessive time spent on hobbies, devoting 110% of oneself to the parenting role and leaving nothing for the couple role.

Perhaps you are thinking I do not recognize a a man may have a porn addiction in and of itself, and that would be the root of the marital discord. The addiction is problematic to the relationship in and of itself, but as you’ll note with most couples, it’s not the addiction which breaks the trust as much as the fact that the addiction was hidden from the other party until it was ‘discovered’. That is a lack of communication.

Had the man been up front about the addiction the woman would have been able to make a better choice before saying “I do”. The wronged party is devastated not so much by the action of the offense but by the surprise of it. They didn’t know, they didn’t see the signs, the other party never ‘hinted’ at trouble. That’s just it: with open communication the other party does not have to be a mind-reader or body language expert to know what is going on.

Trust is critical to any long term relationship and that trust is established through open lines of communication.

 

[otjm]

What a crock. This attitude blames the chaste spouse, as the lack of communication must be, at least in part, that spouse’s “fault.” It also minimizes the acts the unchaste spouse.

More correctly, a breakdown in communication is a problem in marriage. If communication is a problem in your marriage, work on it.

Affairs don’t happen in a vacuum. I do not suggest, and I would assume the other poster does not suggest, that the non-adulterous party is soley responsible for what happened. The majority - the great majority - of the responsiblity for the adultery is upon the one who commits it. However, if anything at all is to occur which could either help in healing the marriage, or in preventing the non-adulterous spouse from ending up in a like situation in the future, then that party must come to terms with whatever part they played in the issue.

That part may have been marrying someone who had the “telltales”, the evidence that should have been seen before marriage, or was seen and ignored.

Or that part may have been subsequent, in failing to make or keep communication open with the adulterous spouse.

Some people commit adultery who never had any intention of keeping the marriage exclusive. Those almost always have “telltales”.

Others commit adultery after a long detrioration of the marriage; and that deterioration centers primarily on communication. Interstingly, communication takes both parties…

And some commit adultery over something that is extrinsic to the marriage - the third party. However, it is a rare circumstance that this third party can come into the adulterer’s life and seduce them away from a good marriage.

It is not meant to minimize the responsiblity the adulterer had for the choices they made; but precious little adultery occurs in a vacuum. Whether it is the man or the woman who is the adulterer, they are turning to someone else for most often what they perceive to be lacking in the marriage. That is not an excuse and is not intended as as excuse, but all too often the reality is that there is something seriously wrong with the marriage long before the adultery occurs.

The attitude that the chaste spouse had nothing to do with how the marriage got to the point of adultery is one that tries to paint the victim as pure victim, having no responsiblity to the marriage other than to show up. Marriage is a lot more than just showing up. Both parties have a responsiblity to the marriage, and both are almost always somewhat at fault when things are not working. To presume that the"innocent" spouse has no part in the issue is to ignore what got everyone to this point. If they are to heal the marriage, both are going to have to do some changing. The greater part will have to be on the part of the adulterer; but to assume that the “innocent” party has nothing to change or correct is to set the marriage up for another round of failure.

And if the marriage fails - ends up in divorce - the “innocent” party needs to understand how they got into this situation in the first place. Failing that is to set them up for similar issues in any new realtionship.

It may well be in some circumstances that one party is trying to keep communication open, and the other party simply won’t communicate. You might be surprised how often this pattern is simply left go go on and on. Suddenly one day the one trying to communicate finds that the other has had an affair. So my question is: why did the “innocent” one let this pattern go on and on and on? They didn’t know what to do? Then what help did they get? What did the do to try and turn this around? What positive steps did they take - Marriage Encounter, Retrouvaille, marriage counselor - anything? Or did they fall into the trap of seeking communication with friends, or engage in passive-aggressive behavior?

It is easy, if one has been the vicitm in an adulterous relationship, or has had a close friend or relative who was, to quickly take sides and try to lay all the blame on the other party. Only in very rare circumstances is it completely so.

 

[otjm]

You wrote that “Affairs are not the problem.” Affairs are a problem. Do you really view affairs as merely symptomatic of a deeper problem and not problematic in themselves?

Heart attacks are problematic in themsleves; but one more often than not has done something, or a series of somethings, to get to the point of having the attack.

The heart attack (the affair) is not the problem, it is the result of the problem.