Dear Imn:
I too, of course, offer my condolences for your profound loss.
As to your guilt, I think it is rare for any two people to be able to live with each other for any length of time without occasionally getting on each other’s nerves. That’s human nature. Had you passed away first, I’m sure your husband what have had similar feelings; feelings along the lines of: “Why didn’t I….”
Do you recall one of the unusually poignant scenes from the *All in the Family *sequel *Archie’s Place *where Archie recounts to himself (out loud): “…before I could tell you I loved you one last time” after discovering Edith dead in bed?
It is good to assess one’s life and note one’s mistakes; but only for the purpose of learning from them. To become mired in the past, to become mired in one’s mistakes, only leads to a sense of despair because: “Even God can’t change the past.” Remember, despair is the most grievous sin in our religion. Why? Because it is tantamount to denying God’s power and willingness to forgive those truly contrite.
To drown one’s self in guilt prevents one from being strong for those still in one’s life. Your husband would want you to be happy and healthy so that you can fulfill your obligations to others. This is exactly what you would have wanted from him had the situation been reversed.
Sometimes the most comforting of wisdom comes from unexpected sources. One of the most comforting thoughts I have ever heard was delivered by some child actor on the old CBS Mystery Theater radio program, hosted by the late E. G. Marshall. It was: “It’s never too late to do the right thing.” In this case, the right thing is being strong, as your late husband would have wished, so that you can go on and bring comfort and joy into the lives of others.
In my short story, an adult man admonishes a boy with: “*Bobbi, schau niemals *rückwärts *und lebe nicht in der Vergangenheit!” *It translates to: “Bobby, never look back and do not live in the past!” The man realizes, too late, that this has been his problem all along, and it has poisoned his life.
Because the boy has a special bond with the man and wants to reassure him that he understands and will heed the advice, he replies:
“Ja, ich schaue nur auf den Morgen” which translates to: “Yes, I shall only look to the morning.”
Of course, this does not mean that you must strive to forget your husband’s very existence. Of course, it does not mean that you must try to force yourself from not undergoing the normal grieving process. That would be unnatural and wrong. But just as soon as you feel you are ready, get back into the normal swing of life and focus on the present moment and your plans for the future. When recalling your husband and your life with him, not only is it not sinful to think of any sort of pleasurable moments with him, it would be most constructive and, again, what he would have wanted. Would you deny him that?
Being joyous yourself will enable you to bring joy into the lives of those still living. And one glorious day, God will grant your most heartfelt desire.
Remember, it’s never too late to do the right thing!
