Is it wrong to work when spouse opposes

[Butterflylily]

I’m A working mom for many years. Kids are now 13 and 10. For the past 2-3years I have been working double sometimes triple if i pick up extra moonlighting. This happened because spouse was not working he was unable to find a job.( has some emotional issues) But prior to the years mentioned since we got married I have been working, we take turns in working. With me alone am making 6 digits income. Now he started a job( less than a month) I quit my full time job due to kids schedule and our schedule. But since kids are in school and I have an opportunity to work around anytime I am working on something that would replace my income and eventually can make us financially free. As for him he is making a current 6 figure now. We initially agreed on this matter of what I am doing. However, he wants me to stop and only wants me to stay home and serve him, and take care of the kids when they get home of which even if I was working ever since I have been doing this. His reason is that this time he wants to be incharge. My reasoning is both of us are capable of earning more, why can’t we help each other anyway at the end of the day what my income will be is also for the family. And there is a chance that we will travel while kids are young and will have enough for them to go to college. I also told him that I have to do this because if something happened to him we will not go back to zero. Like what happened 2-3 years ago that he lasted 3 months in his job only, and since I quit when at that time he asked me to we were struggling. We have depleted all our savings.
He said that since I don’t agree It might be best to separate.
My question is: is it wrong for me not following him, because I am afraid he might have a breakdown. his thought is I am competing with him. Any thoughts?

 

[Xantippe]

I’m A working mom for many years. Kids are now 13 and 10. For the past 2-3years I have been working double sometimes triple if i pick up extra moonlighting. This happened because spouse was not working he was unable to find a job.( has some emotional issues) But prior to the years mentioned since we got married I have been working, we take turns in working. With me alone am making 6 digits income. Now he started a job( less than a month) I quit my full time job due to kids schedule and our schedule. But since kids are in school and I have an opportunity to work around anytime I am working on something that would replace my income and eventually can make us financially free. As for him he is making a current 6 figure now. We initially agreed on this matter of what I am doing. However, he wants me to stop and only wants me to stay home and serve him, and take care of the kids when they get home of which even if I was working ever since I have been doing this. His reason is that this time he wants to be incharge. My reasoning is both of us are capable of earning more, why can’t we help each other anyway at the end of the day what my income will be is also for the family. And there is a chance that we will travel while kids are young and will have enough for them to go to college. I also told him that I have to do this because if something happened to him we will not go back to zero. Like what happened 2-3 years ago that he lasted 3 months in his job only, and since I quit when at that time he asked me to we were struggling. We have depleted all our savings.
He said that since I don’t agree It might be best to separate.
My question is: is it wrong for me not following him, because I am afraid he might have a breakdown. his thought is I am competing with him. Any thoughts?

You guys have fabulous income.

How about doing a personal finance course together, seeing a marriage counselor, and making some goals?

daveramsey.com/new/baby-steps/

A reasonable compromise might involve:

–paying off any debt
–saving 3-6 months income in case of emergency
–having solid ongoing retirement savings
–having solid ongoing college savings
–once that is all in place, a part-time schedule for you

With part-time work, you’d be able to be more available to your family, bring in a decent income (in fact, probably the national household median), plus be much better placed to ramp up to full-time as needed.

It might be helpful to ask your husband to provide you with a list of things that he feels that are important that aren’t currently happening. Then discuss the list, perhaps with a marriage counselor or a priest you respect. It might well be a very good idea to be home during the after-school hours, but at the same time, your kids are going to be both out of the house very, very soon, so you need to come up with a plan that will work for you now, but will also work for you 8 years from now, when both kids may well be gone.

Good luck!

 

[underacloud]

He said that since I don’t agree It might be best to separate.

Wait, what?

It sounds like there are more serious issues at play than whether or not you should be working right now, or what sort of income each of you is earning.

I’d see a counsellor sooner rather than later.

 

[PaulfromIowa]

Yes, it is a great danger sign that he is talking of separation. You should be talking to a good family counselor, for the benefit of all four of you.

 

[mommy_k]

Your husband should show stability in emotions and his job before I would quit. For him not to realize this shows he is not thinking of the family, just his ego.

If he threatens to seperate, he is trying to control you. Is he loving and respectful in other ways? Or is he generally just selfish all the time

 

[z_0101]

Wait, what?

It sounds like there are more serious issues at play than whether or not you should be working right now, or what sort of income each of you is earning.

I’d see a counsellor sooner rather than later.

 

[phil_at_dayboro]

You guys have fabulous income.

How about doing a personal finance course together, seeing a marriage counselor, and making some goals?

daveramsey.com/new/baby-steps/

A reasonable compromise might involve:

–paying off any debt
–saving 3-6 months income in case of emergency
–having solid ongoing retirement savings
–having solid ongoing college savings
–once that is all in place, a part-time schedule for you

With part-time work, you’d be able to be more available to your family, bring in a decent income (in fact, probably the national household median), plus be much better placed to ramp up to full-time as needed.

It might be helpful to ask your husband to provide you with a list of things that he feels that are important that aren’t currently happening. Then discuss the list, perhaps with a marriage counselor or a priest you respect. It might well be a very good idea to be home during the after-school hours, but at the same time, your kids are going to be both out of the house very, very soon, so you need to come up with a plan that will work for you now, but will also work for you 8 years from now, when both kids may well be gone.

Good luck!

This is actually a complex Question, and this is a great answer,

 

[TexasCatholic13]

I think the issue here is pride. The OP’s husband probably feels as if his hard work in finding a new job and working hard for a 6 figure salary is not good enough now that his wife wants to start working full time. Men take great pride in being able to provide for a family and when you have a wife that wants to work because the money isnt quite where she wants it to be then there can be some feelings of inadequacy.

I think by separation he is meaning that if his hard work in obtaining a high paying job isnt good enough then maybe they should consider going separate ways at least financially speaking.

 

[ChurchSoldier]

Wait, what?

It sounds like there are more serious issues at play than whether or not you should be working right now, or what sort of income each of you is earning.

I’d see a counsellor sooner rather than later.

Yes, this looks like a relationship problem presenting as a work/financial issue.

 

[Xantippe]

Not to alarm you, OP, but shortly after my auntie’s husband demanded that she quit her job, he left her for another woman. They’d been married for 19 years, had two kids of his and two of theirs (all school and college/young adult age). The job thing was particularly harmful, as she was just a few years from a state pension when she quit at his insistence.

While normally, a spouse’s opinion on one’s employment ought to carry a lot of weight, when there’s a lot of erratic behavior going on (and it sounds like there is in your husband’s case), it is unwise to quit immediately.

Work with professionals (personal finance and a marriage counselor or priest) and do everything slowly and carefully. If your husband is already talking separation over this, he may wind up leaving you no matter what. People in their right mind don’t drop the word “separation” in this sort of situation (unless things were really dire at home).

Best wishes!

 

[mommy_k]

I think the issue here is pride. The OP’s husband probably feels as if his hard work in finding a new job and working hard for a 6 figure salary is not good enough now that his wife wants to start working full time. Men take great pride in being able to provide for a family and when you have a wife that wants to work because the money isnt quite where she wants it to be then there can be some feelings of inadequacy.

I think by separation he is meaning that if his hard work in obtaining a high paying job isnt good enough then maybe they should consider going separate ways at least financially speaking.

Yes, this is true in some situations, but the husband is not stable with his work history. To put his ego over the financial needs of his family is selfish.

If he was working for this comapany for a year or more and the op wanted to work for extra material things it is different then this situation. No one should threaten another spouse with ultimatums. He is being controlling to feed his own pride at the detriment to his marriage and his children.

 

[Xantippe]

Yes, this is true in some situations, but the husband is not stable with his work history. To put his ego over the financial needs of his family is selfish.

If he was working for this comapany for a year or more and the op wanted to work for extra material things it is different then this situation. No one should threaten another spouse with ultimatums. He is being controlling to feed his own pride at the detriment to his marriage and his children.

Also, previous posts were troubling and showed a lot of volatility and erratic and irresponsible behavior on the part of her husband:

forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?t=923559

forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?t=918730

forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?t=819820

 

[Legend]

I’m sorry…but I have’nt read all of the answers before posting. But a few issues jumped out at me, and I feel I must say something now:

It seems as if your husband has a controlling personality, and it may be escalating at this time. There are certain behaviors common to this disorder, a few of which i’ll list:

does he abunse the children? Does he discipline them unusually harshly?

Is he jealous of your relationships with friends and family members? Does he try to make you opt out of activities which would not includje him, even if he dislikes such activities, or his presence would be totally inappropriate (i.e., women’s clubs, wedding and baby showers?)
If you have pets, has he abused them, treated them roughly? Does he speak of torturing animals, even if he hasn’t done it?
Does he try to use your faith as an excuse for making you do as he says, even if your ideas make much more sense?

There are so many other symptoms, I could go on all night. But anything that comes close to contirolling you, isolating you and your children, or lowering your self-esteem, is a dangeurous, warning sign. Please, forlgive any typos, and I’ll try to re-read this thread tomorrow. Hoping things are all right, but be careful. Wishing you the best and will pray for you!

 

[EasterJoy]

My sense is that this is not a simple “should I take a salaried job or stay home?” question. There is so much going on here.

In your situation, I’d suggest a compromise. Ask him to agree that both of you will take as much salaried work as still allows time for you and the children to attend to each other until you have rebuilt your emergency fund. Define what that point is, keep track of it, make notes of the trade-offs you each feel you are making, the pros and the cons, and then when you have reached that point, revisit.

In the meantime, have some conversations and learn what you each like or dislike about various time-commitment arrangements that the family might take on. I think you do have to look at this as a total family time-prioritization question. Setting the priorities requires you to learn what each of you values and why and what each of you fears, and why.

On the question of separation, I’d say that is something like divorce that ought to never be thrown around for light reasons. If that was more than a single heat-of-the-battle provocation, a one-time desperate way to say, “I mean it! This is important to me and I’m serious!”, then that alone would be reason to make me think it was time to call in a professional on the communication front. If that is all it was, even then it is time to call a pow-wow on how each of you take various sorts of argument rhetoric. On that front, I’d suggest one of John Gottman’s books, such as “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.” His research area is about how habitual communication practices predict whether a couple will stay together or not, so his books are about learning communication–speaking and listening–techniques that will strengthen the relationship rather than drive wedges into it.

 

[Legend]

I see the main problem as the husband having a controlling personality. I only brought up the possibility of animal cruelty because it is so often part of the disorder. He seems to want to make sure he is the one in control-to the point of letting his wife and children risk their financial security.
From what I can discern, the OP should never put herself in the place of letting herself and her children become isolated, poor, or emotionally drained unnecessarily. If abuse, neglect, or even desertion follow, she will need both financial and emotional options. Remember, this man has ‘emotional issues’ and has already brought up the possibility of separation.

 

[Butterflylily]

I see the main problem as the husband having a controlling personality. I only brought up the possibility of animal cruelty because it is so often part of the disorder. He seems to want to make sure he is the one in control-to the point of letting his wife and children risk their financial security.
From what I can discern, the OP should never put herself in the place of letting herself and her children become isolated, poor, or emotionally drained unnecessarily. If abuse, neglect, or even desertion follow, she will need both financial and emotional options. Remember, this man has ‘emotional issues’ and has already brought up the possibility of separation.

Just read all your posts, I thank you Legend, what you have asked earlier some n most of it is a yes.

The inevitable occurred yesterday, since I wasn’t working with 8-5 anymore (free lance/ self employed)moving money from his account is a tasking effort. He is bombarding me with questions of where I took the money, what I do with his money, am I hiding something, yesterday I have to list and discuss with him our bank statement since start of his employment which is April2015. My heartwas raising, and pounding as if I have panic attacks, my kids witness this we asked them to go to their room, they can’t witness all this,my son and daughter comforted me. Similar incident happened 3-4 days ago, my nerve is jumping now. I can’t handle this anymore. 2 days ago my daughter even asked me if I am going to work and when I said no, she said I should work so she can come with me at work because she can’t stay at home , every weekend is the same, “daddy gets mad all the time”. My son said that his dad blames him of not being able to go to Kung fu class, but he said if he asks his dad would say do your chores first. He said" when I grow up mom I will only take care of you and not dad." My son was so sweet 3-4 days ago when same incident happened, he prepared breakfast for me so I will feel better. I apologize everyone for venting out. Thank you for all your help.

 

[Deltadeliquent]

Over and above any problems in the marriage now…
As a stay at home mom, myself, id just like to caution you about not working when your kids are at home even if the marriage is wonderful.

When the children grow up and leave you will be twenty years behind. Your work history will have a huge gap and it will be assumed that you can’t do what you used to do. Finding a decent job might be very difficult.

And without that job, or children at home, your reason for living will take a huge hit. You might find yourself ranging around each morning looking for something to fill up your time. And as an older woman, it will be much harder to find something to plug the hole.

This is what happened to me and my marriage, although recently through a rough patch is good and strong. Don’t turn into a ghost drifting through the grocery store each day basing your day’s activities on what’s for dinner and getting home in time to watch Dr. Phil. It’s not a life for anyone.

Keep your toe in the water. Work, at least some and keep up with your field and your contacts. Believe me, starting from scratch in your fifties is no fun and has a guarded prognosis. Protect yourself.

 

[Legend]

This definitely sounds like a husband with a controlling personality. And, despite your attempts to shield them, your children know what is going on-and are affected by it. Definitely, don’t give him full control of the finances!

The facts that your daughter seems to be afraid of being left alone with him, and your son is getting mixed signals, and is taking it upon himself to protect you, are enormous red flags! It’s time, I believe, to see a good counsellor or therapist…for yourself. Marriage counseling may help, too, but you need advice on how to stand on your own feet…and not be manipulated. Please, do it. For yourself and your children.

I’ll be praying for you, and So will many others on this forum, I’m sure. Take care.

 

[Buck_Crosswhite]

Husbands cherish your wives. Wives be obedient to your husbands.

 

[Kelfa28]

Husbands cherish your wives. Wives be obedient to your husbands.

When in doubt…pull out the Ephesians 5 argument.

The husband isn’t posting…so I’m not entirely sure where this is relevant.

She can’t be “obedient” if her husband is controlling. We can’t make a comment like this if we aren’t directing our posts towards the husband.

Marriage is not one-sided. It’s an equal endeavor from both the husband and wife.