Is lying always wrong: What about surprises?

[bekalc]

My brother is in the military and is stationed in another country… He announced to me a week ago that he’s coming in town and wants to surprise my mother…My mom knows he may be in town sometime, but doesn’t know when… I live at home, so I can prepare the house etc.

My mom asked me today if my brother was going to surprise her…I told my mother that I don’t know. I know it was a deliberate lie, but I had given my brother my word that I would not ruin his surprise. A part of me feels that it was an unfair question for my mother to ask me.

 

[Chancellare]

What about telling her that you can’t answer her question without you either telling a lie or ruining someone else’ plans?
I know this is simplistic and sometimes we can’t always blurt a good response in a split second but I also know God understands when we make mistakes when under pressure, which eliminates one component of sin.

 

[jmcrae]

What about just changing the subject without answering the question? Or would that give it away?

 

[isadora]

Is it worse to lie to your mother or break your promise to your brother?

 

[bekalc]

Is it worse to lie to your mother or break your promise to your brother?

That’s the issue…I read there is some component called mental reluctance or something like that. If you have a secret or something you are bound to keep… For example a priest can be asked about something in confession and he could be asked something like that… And say I don’t know… And wht he would really mean is I don’t know anything that I’m at liberty to tell you…

While clearly its not a confessional secret my bro begged me to keep it a secret its important to him.

 

[kell0618]

If it were me, I would answer the question, “Is your brother coming home?” with, “I talked to him and he’ll be home soon but isn’t sure when.” Then after the surprise, I’d tell her about my lack of clarity on timing because he wanted it to be a surprise. You don’t know the exact minute he will arrive do you? I don’t think she’ll be upset this time with keeping a secret for your brother’s sake. She’ll be so happy to have him home!

Besides, how many of us have fibbed to a loved one on the way to a surprise birthday gathering or other outing and told them you were taking them somewhere else for another purpose.

 

[bekalc]

If it were me, I would answer the question, “Is your brother coming home?” with, “I talked to him and he’ll be home soon but isn’t sure when.” Then after the surprise, I’d tell her about my lack of clarity on timing because he wanted it to be a surprise. You don’t know the exact minute he will arrive do you? I don’t think she’ll be upset this time with keeping a secret for your brother’s sake. She’ll be so happy to have him home!

Besides, how many of us have fibbed to a loved one on the way to a surprise birthday gathering or other outing and told them you were taking them somewhere else for another purpose.

I know my mom won’t be upset with me, but my brother would…

 

[rayne89]

My husband actually pulled this on me. He told me he was coming home a week later than he did (from the Navy) then he had his mom pick him up from the airport. I reeeeaally don’t think God held it against him. It’s actually one of my favorite memories. He had been gone over 6 mo. I saw him at the door and just screamed. How would a person ever plan a surprise if they couldn’t lie about some details? It not malicious, I really never thought of such a thing as sinful.

 

[bekalc]

My husband actually pulled this on me. He told me he was coming home a week later than he did (from the Navy) then he had his mom pick him up from the airport. I reeeeaally don’t think God held it against him. It’s actually one of my favorite memories. He had been gone over 6 mo. I saw him at the door and just screamed. How would a person ever plan a surprise if they couldn’t lie about some details? It not malicious, I really never thought of such a thing as sinful.

That’s what I kind of think too. My brother really wants to make it special for my mom, and he did already tell her that he may be in sometime in May…I think my mom saw us talking on the phone, and so got some ideas…Probably saying I don’t know is the best answer anyways, because he’s not sure of the date.

Another great question someone asked Dr. Abby, a guy found out about his surprise party early, and he asked her how he should answer, if people say where you surprised, she told him to say, Yes you were surprised because, you were surprised by the party, when you found about it.

 

[Dan_Grelinger]

Some thoughts;

Although lying is wrong, even if done in this situation, it could not be considered grave.

There seems to be a tendency to apply the moral error of ‘the ends justify the means’ to this question. The ends (purpose) never in themselves justify the means (lying).

Lying really has at least two meanings; Saying something that is not true. And saying anything with intent to deceive. Saying something that we know not to be true is lying, and is considered to be always wrong. Saying anything with the intent to deceive is also wrong. Is there intent to deceive in this case? No, the intent is to hide, for a time, the well-meaning plans of a son towards his mother. The deception may happen as a result, but it is not the intent.

In this case, I think it is very easy to say something that acknowleges we cannot predict the future. Your Mom’s question was “Do you know if your brother is going to surprise me?” Do you know? Really? You may be aware of his intentions and plans, but intentions change, plans get interfered with. Who knows what is really going to happen in the future? I think you can very honestly answer “I don’t know what he will do”.

Dan

 

[Rach620]

I think you should read “The Surprise,” a short play by Chesterton. I can’t find the text online anywhere, but you can either purchase that book or find it at your local library, I’m sure. It’s about more than just human ‘surprises’ and more about…salvation…but it’s pertinent

POET. You are a little sad. People generally are when they say they are content.
PRINCESS. Oh, no, no–
POET. Oh, my God, what am I? Mud out of the highway soiling your carpets; a rag blown over the wall. But will you let me speak one moment for all the ragged people on the road, the truth that your officers do not tell you; what I know out of the very mouths of the poor of God?
PRINCESS. What in the world do they want?
POET. They want surprise. They do not want sufficiency or security. They want surprise. They do not want regular wages. They want irregular wealth. You say they can always find a pig at the pig-trough and ale in the ale-cask. If ever, one fine morning, they found the pig in the ale-cask and could drink ale out of the pig-trough–they would think they were in a fairy-tale.
PRINCESS. Is that why you want them to find wine in the prison?
POET. It is beacuse I have just drunk such wine as was never drunk since the feast of Cana…The wine of surprise. Only God could work such a miracle. I never drank that at any banquet or in any tavern; for there I was expecting wine. I never drank it till this night, when I was stunned, blinded, in the black darkness, desperate, believing myself buried alive. But thou hast kept the good wine until now.
PRINCESS. Was that not the miracle of the wedding-feast?
POET. Yes, Your Highness…

Deception isn’t always ‘lying’: it’s not always sinful. It’s not malicious to not tell your mother that your brother is coming home sooner than expected, and she will probably be more overjoyed at that surprise than perhaps she would be if she had known in advance. You know your family better than I do, but I think it will do more good than harm to keep this from her for the time being.

Everyone needs a little surprise in their life

 

[whatevergirl]

…and I have never heard of telling a ‘little, white surprise.’

 

[aboverubies]

A part of me feels that it was an unfair question for my mother to ask me.

I agree. A priest once told me that while outright lying is sinful we are not obligated to answer every single question that every single person asks of us. The context of the discussion was in regards to our nosy neighbour, who was also an old family friend.

She would constantly ask me very personal questions about our income, rent, family life etc. I always tried to be polite, as I could see that she was very lonely and very elderly, but her questions were becoming down right rude. One day she asked a particularly offensive question and I repeatedly tried to pass it off with a joke while she repeatedly insisted on re-asking the question.

I was tempted to lie about the answer just to get her to be quiet and leave me alone when I suddenly realised that she had no right to ask it of me in the first place. I had felt somehow bound to answer all her questions out of respect for her age and relationship with our family. But the matter was no concern of hers - even though she felt entitled to an answer. In the end I simply had to say “I need to go back inside and check on the kids” and I gave her no answer at all and closed the door on her. She never overstepped our personal boundaries again.

I do think that it was unfair of your mother to put you on the spot like that. You and your brother are entitled to private conversations and are not bound to share very word with everyone who asks. It doesn’t sound as if your Mum really thought that question through…“Is your brother going to surprise me?” The answer can only ruin any possible surprise! Hope it all works out and you all have a wonderful time.

 

[cor]

That’s the issue…I read there is some component called mental reluctance or something like that. If you have a secret or something you are bound to keep… For example a priest can be asked about something in confession and he could be asked something like that… And say I don’t know… And wht he would really mean is I don’t know anything that I’m at liberty to tell you…

While clearly its not a confessional secret my bro begged me to keep it a secret its important to him.

It’s called “mental reservation” and in my opinion you can use it in your situation without any scruples. It’s where a word has an unexpected meaning but a meaning that would make sense nevertheless from the context.

Lying is expressing something at variance with the mind (so if you express something true that you believed to be false, then it would still be a lie). (I’m using more or less the definition from the Catholic Encyclopedia which differs slightly from the one in the Catechism)

 

[porthos11]

It’s called “mental reservation” and in my opinion you can use it in your situation without any scruples. It’s where a word has an unexpected meaning but a meaning that would make sense nevertheless from the context.

Lying is expressing something at variance with the mind (so if you express something true that you believed to be false, then it would still be a lie). (I’m using more or less the definition from the Catholic Encyclopedia which differs slightly from the one in the Catechism)

A good mental reservation would be “There have been no updates.”

The reservation would be “There are no updates for you to know now.”

Nevertheless, this is hardly anything to agonize about. You just wanted to do something nice for your mom. If you feel somewhat guilty, dismiss it with a good Holy Communion.

 

[stbruno]

How many of us have kept the spirit of Santa Claus alive for our children?..or the tooth fairy? And actually we are omitting the truth.

If someone confides with us, it is more important to keep that person’s confidence unless it is to harbor some evil…like I committed a murder.

Surprises are part of the fun of being in a community or family. Keep surprising people

 

[Dan_Grelinger]

How many of us have kept the spirit of Santa Claus alive for our children?..or the tooth fairy? And actually we are omitting the truth.

If someone confides with us, it is more important to keep that person’s confidence unless it is to harbor some evil…like I committed a murder.

Surprises are part of the fun of being in a community or family. Keep surprising people

Civil law may consider ‘omitting the truth’ as technically a lie, but to God, it is not inherently immoral. There are many cases where we must ‘omit the truth’, or in other words, ‘be silent.’ What matters in this case is intent. If the intent is to deceive, then omitting the truth is immoral, by reason of the intent. If the intent is to surprise, in a good way, any perceived deception is the result of the surprise, not the intent.

Dan

 

[Crusader1095]

Whether lying is always wrong is a matter of theological dispute. The more prevalent theological opinion is that it IS always wrong, because it involves an act that is against the nature of the mind/mouth of a human being (that the mouth is made to speak what is in the mind, not what is not truly in the mind) and thus Augustine, Aquinas, and the Schoolmen et al.

Nevertheless a few prominent Fathers have taught that in some rare instances lying would be permissible, but this is the minority opinion.

Interestingly the Bible seems to hint at the possibility lying may be OK in some instances such as the Rahab and spies example, but this is debatable and it is not clear either way.