Is Marriage Allowed If Impotence Is Suspected?

[primrose5891]

For most of my life, I didn’t think marriage was my vocation. But, now that I’m 30 and have tried religious life and found the single life less than fulfilling, I’ve felt draw to dating again. But, I have some serious reservations about pursuing any serious relationships. I had vaginal reconstructive surgery in my teens, and the scar tissue from that surgery has caused chronic pain in that area that hasn’t gone away. I am not sure if I could have complete intercourse even once due to the pain that (I imagine) it would cause.
Even if completing it once were possible, I have serious doubts that I could handle regular sexual activity. But, because I’ve never tried I don’t know for sure. I know that someone who is confirmed to be impotent cannot marry, but what does the church say about someone like me who is most likely impotent, but cannot be certain before marrying?

 

[EasterJoy]

Marriage is not to be impeded by impotence that is only suspected:

*Can. 1084 §1. Antecedent and perpetual impotence to have intercourse, whether on the part of the man or the woman, whether absolute or relative, nullifies marriage by its very nature.

**§2. *If the impediment of impotence is doubtful, whether by a doubt about the law or a doubt about a fact, a marriage must not be impeded nor, while the doubt remains, declared null.

 

[Viki63]

You should consult a gynecologist to see if there is something that can be done to help remove your pain. Researchers in the medical field are constantly discovering new treatments and options.
It would not really be fair to a potential husband to marry if you suspect you may not be able to consummate your marriage.

 

[SusanneT]

For most of my life, I didn’t think marriage was my vocation. But, now that I’m 30 and have tried religious life and found the single life less than fulfilling, I’ve felt draw to dating again. But, I have some serious reservations about pursuing any serious relationships. I had vaginal reconstructive surgery in my teens, and the scar tissue from that surgery has caused chronic pain in that area that hasn’t gone away. I am not sure if I could have complete intercourse even once due to the pain that (I imagine) it would cause.
Even if completing it once were possible, I have serious doubts that I could handle regular sexual activity. But, because I’ve never tried I don’t know for sure. I know that someone who is confirmed to be impotent cannot marry, but what does the church say about someone like me who is most likely impotent, but cannot be certain before marrying?

As far as I know or understand it a total inability to have intercourse and or absolute certainty of infertility (which would of course follow from that) is a barrier to marriage, but as long as you have no medical reason to believe in all conscience that this is true and you are open to the obligations of marriage including children, then you can marry.

But as has been said I would take proper medical advise and when a relationship progresses to the point where marriage is on the cards, discuss it with your potential future husband.

 

[fpt]

For most of my life, I didn’t think marriage was my vocation. But, now that I’m 30 and have tried religious life and found the single life less than fulfilling, I’ve felt draw to dating again. But, I have some serious reservations about pursuing any serious relationships. I had vaginal reconstructive surgery in my teens, and the scar tissue from that surgery has caused chronic pain in that area that hasn’t gone away. I am not sure if I could have complete intercourse even once due to the pain that (I imagine) it would cause.
Even if completing it once were possible, I have serious doubts that I could handle regular sexual activity. But, because I’ve never tried I don’t know for sure. I know that someone who is confirmed to be impotent cannot marry, but what does the church say about someone like me who is most likely impotent, but cannot be certain before marrying?

You need to discuss with catholic specialists ---- **some catholic nurses, some catholic midwives, some catholic general medical doctors, some
some catholic psychiatrists, some catholic psychologists, some catholic psychoanalysts, some catholic sexologists, some catholic philosophers, some catholic theologians, some catholic canon lawyers, some catholic priests and some catholic confessors ----, in order to identify your physical situation, your physiological situation, your sexual situation, and also your mental, psychical, psychological, sensible, spiritual, moral situation, in link with your own intimate parts. You need to do an etiological seeking, in the details with all the subtleties, without taboo in order to make a good statement of your situation. **The knowledge of your sexual health, of your sexual diseases, of your sexual troubles and of your sexual issues is very important **for you, for your future couple and for your future husband.
**

Only very good professionals on this particular topic are capable to help you. You need to search them.

What is the catholic doctrine on the female impotence? What are the medical treatments who are helpful and morally okay? What are your view on the sexual efforts and on the sexual sacrifices in the marriage to do, in positive and / or in negative? Do you ready to say the true of your situation to your future fiancé during your fiançailles? Will you be totally honest with him on this particular topic?

Take treatments and pray for your future conjugal sexual life, pray for a miracle, concerning yourself.

 

[fpt]

A correction:

You need to discuss with catholic specialists ---- some catholic nurses, some catholic midwives, some catholic general medical doctors, some catholic obstetricians and some catholic gynecologists some catholic psychiatrists, some catholic psychologists, some catholic psychoanalysts, some catholic sexologists, some catholic philosophers, some catholic theologians, some catholic canon lawyers, some catholic priests and some catholic confessors ----, in order to identify your physical situation, your physiological situation, your sexual situation, and also your mental, psychical, psychological, sensible, spiritual, moral situation, in link with your own intimate parts. Y**ou need to do an etiological seeking, in the details with all the subtleties, without taboo in order to make a good statement of your situation. **The knowledge of your sexual health, of your sexual diseases, of your sexual troubles and of your sexual issues is very important **for you, for your future couple and for your future husband.
**

Only very good professionals on this particular topic are capable to help you. You need to search them.

What is the catholic doctrine on the female impotence? What are the medical treatments who are helpful and morally okay? What are your view on the sexual efforts and on the sexual sacrifices in the marriage to do, in positive and / or in negative? Are you ready to say the true of your situation to your future fiancé during your fiançailles? Will you be totally honest with him on this particular topic?

Take treatments and pray for your future conjugal sexual life, pray for a miracle, concerning yourself.

Pray Our Lady of Lourdes

 

[Murmurs]

My heart goes out to you Primrose, and every woman (and man) in your position as they seek out what is best, and can only offer my prayers for you, and echo everyone else’s suggestions in seeking out both medical and sound pastoral help, and I hope and pray all problems - known or merely suspected - can be happily resolved.

I don’t mean to take this thread off-topic (and maybe there is another one on here to which a kind person could direct me)…I’m not married (sadly, but I live in hope!), so the real opportunity to learn about this side of Catholic teaching (I’m a convert from Anglicanism, and to say that this side of things was gently skirted over as quickly as possible by our otherwise wonderful RCIA leaders is an understatement!), hasn’t really arrived yet…

But does it strike no one else otherwise fully committed to living within the guidelines for life set out by our Church, at the very least unfair to have this kind of prescription regarding impotence? Of course I understand the point from which it’s derived, which is about the proper point and purpose of marriage (in one sense), and the…“marital act”…in particular. It just seems so very unfair that two people who want to unite themselves (and their wider families) in the eyes of God, as well as people on Earth, should be denied the sacrament of marriage on this basis. Can anyone advise or instruct? Thanks (in advance!).

If I’m honest it’s slightly hit me for six this morning and I’m feeling a mixture of emotions about it - which really centre on Primrose and her predicament, and I really pray and hope that everything will be ok.

 

[PaulGH]

As far as I know or understand it a total inability to have intercourse and or absolute certainty of infertility (which would of course follow from that) is a barrier to marriage, but as long as you have no medical reason to believe in all conscience that this is true and you are open to the obligations of marriage including children, then you can marry.

But as has been said I would take proper medical advise and when a relationship progresses to the point where marriage is on the cards, discuss it with your potential future husband.

Infertility is not an impediment to marriage. Impotence can be, but not when there is some doubt, as mentioned in the portion of canon law cited by EasterJoy.

To the OP, my advice would be to bring this up at a prudent time in any dating relationship (not so early in the relationship that the information seems inappropriately personal, but still fairly early so that you are not being unfair to the man). This is a tough situation though. Most men probably would not be happy with the idea that intercourse within marriage would be a “once-in-a-while” thing at most, and that even those times will be painful for his wife. But then it is also not fair to you that men may reject you over this issue. Again, this is tough, and I don’t really have great advice for you. I would hope there is a medical or surgical fix for this issue, but perhaps there is not.

 

[EasterJoy]

…I had vaginal reconstructive surgery in my teens, and the scar tissue from that surgery has caused chronic pain in that area that hasn’t gone away. I am not sure if I could have complete intercourse even once due to the pain that (I imagine) it would cause…

You say “I imagine.” Have you asked a doctor if that is a fair assumption to make? There are specialists in the field that might be able to help you answer that question. Since you are now contemplating marriage as a possibility, I’d think a more specific answer is worth pursuing. It will allow you to make more informed decisions about what marriage might entail for you and your husband.

There has been a clinic like this at Oregon Health and Sciences University for over 15 years that I know of. If you don’t live near it, I would expect the doctors there might know a likely place near you.
ohsu.edu/xd/health/services/women/services/gynecology-and-obstetrics/services/vulvar-health-program/vulvar-services.cfm

 

[His_helpmeet]

My heart goes out to you Primrose, and every woman (and man) in your position as they seek out what is best, and can only offer my prayers for you, and echo everyone else’s suggestions in seeking out both medical and sound pastoral help, and I hope and pray all problems - known or merely suspected - can be happily resolved.

I don’t mean to take this thread off-topic (and maybe there is another one on here to which a kind person could direct me)…I’m not married (sadly, but I live in hope!), so the real opportunity to learn about this side of Catholic teaching (I’m a convert from Anglicanism, and to say that this side of things was gently skirted over as quickly as possible by our otherwise wonderful RCIA leaders is an understatement!), hasn’t really arrived yet…

But does it strike no one else otherwise fully committed to living within the guidelines for life set out by our Church, at the very least unfair to have this kind of prescription regarding impotence? Of course I understand the point from which it’s derived, which is about the proper point and purpose of marriage (in one sense), and the…“marital act”…in particular. It just seems so very unfair that two people who want to unite themselves (and their wider families) in the eyes of God, as well as people on Earth, should be denied the sacrament of marriage on this basis. Can anyone advise or instruct? Thanks (in advance!).

If I’m honest it’s slightly hit me for six this morning and I’m feeling a mixture of emotions about it - which really centre on Primrose and her predicament, and I really pray and hope that everything will be ok.

One of the requirements for marriage is that it be a physical relationship. A husband and wife can only become one flesh through the marital act. If one is not able to consummate the marriage, it is not a marriage because you’re effectively living as roommates.

 

[primrose5891]

Thank you all for your replies- you’ve helped me focus on the kind of questions I should be asking before seriously dating.

It just seems so very unfair that two people who want to unite themselves (and their wider families) in the eyes of God, as well as people on Earth, should be denied the sacrament of marriage on this basis.

Thank you for your prayers and kind words. I’ve had trouble with this teaching too. I recently read an article by Trent Horn, and it really helped me understand better why the Church has this teaching. catholic.com/blog/trent-horn/why-the-church-cannot-marry-the-impotent I found this part especially helpful:

Imagine that Gene and Clara get married but soon discover that they are unable to have sexual intercourse. Despite all of their best efforts to treat the problem, the impotence remains, and the two are never able to have sex. They decide that a marriage without the possibility of sexual intercourse is not really a marriage at all, and they want out.

How should the Church compassionately respond to Gene and Clara?

One way the Church cannot respond to this problem is by granting Gene and Clara a divorce. The reason they can’t is because divorce is impossible. Just as you can’t separate the ingredients of a cake after you’ve baked it, you can’t separate a man and a woman after they’ve been validly and sacramentally married. Jesus clearly said of married couples, “they are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man put asunder” (Matt. 19:6).

However, the Church can grant Gene and Clara an annulment, or a declaration that they were never validly married in the first place. The partner who is not impotent would then be free to leave the current bond, if he or she desired, and marry someone else.

But, just as marriage has to be free, it also has to be a full and total gift of self, which includes the bodily gift of self through intercourse. Since Gene and Clara were not able to give themselves to one another in this way both prior to their wedding and forever after making their wedding vows, they had no way of keeping those vows.

When explained like that, it makes sense to me. One concern I have, besides just meeting the Church’s requirements for marriage, is whether it would be wise for me to marry in my condition. What if I my husband marries me thinking there is at least a possibility for physical intimacy, but after marrying we find out that sex is either impossible, or so painful that it effectively is impossible? What if that became a source of resentment between my husband and I?
I have a lot of things I’m trying to sort through, which is why I’ve been hesitant to date, and why I have doubts that I’m called to marriage.

You say “I imagine.” Have you asked a doctor if that is a fair assumption to make? There are specialists in the field that might be able to help you answer that question.

I used the word “imagine” only because I haven’t had any sexual experiences, so I can’t know for certain what sort of pain it would involve. I know for certain that sex, for me, will be painful. I have daily pain from normal activities. What I don’t know is how painful sex will be, and if the pain will be so bad that it will prevent me from ever completing the marital act.
Thank you for sharing the link. I was under the impression that the doctors couldn’t do more for me after the surgery (that’s the impression my GP gives me too) but after looking at the website, it looks like it would be worth getting a second opinion from a specialist.

 

[Mayita30]

Hello OP

I think Impotence can be cured and if you are impotent, please seek medical help before getting married.

My marriage is annulled due to non consummation. Former husband was impotent and told me he didnt want any kids. He eventually became verbally abusive and physically abusive due to the fact that his impotency was tied up to a Psychiatric problem. I did not know this until the doctor explained it to me. He was also not mature enough to seek medical help.

I wanted to stick it out in the marriage and be there for him for better or for worst despite the marriage not being consummated but he became so violent that he strangled me , started hitting me and finally abandoning me through divorce. For this reason , I sought out the annulment process.

In your case, please go to the doctor and seek all the medical help you can get before getting into the sacrament of marriage.

Blessings !

 

[PaulGH]

One concern I have, besides just meeting the Church’s requirements for marriage, is whether it would be wise for me to marry in my condition. What if I my husband marries me thinking there is at least a possibility for physical intimacy, but after marrying we find out that sex is either impossible, or so painful that it effectively is impossible? What if that became a source of resentment between my husband and I?

I think that this is really the main thing that you need to think about. It sounds like you are reasonably sure that you are physically capable of consumating the marriage, even though it would be painful. If that is correct, then you have no impediment to being validly married. The real question is whether your condition will be a source of stress, resentment, and so on, between you and your husband.

One idea that occurs to me is that perhaps you can find a man with a low sex drive. However, this probably would not be easy to do, especially because it’s not exactly something you want to ask about when you first start dating. And this idea could backfire on you if it turns out that intercourse is not as painful as you expect. So this is probably not such a good idea after all.

I think your best bet is just to be open and honest with men that you date, and especially to seek medical help to see if there is some way to alleviate your pain.

Oh, and I really do commend you for remaining chaste, as you obviously must have, based on your post. So many of us do not remain chaste before marriage in today’s culture, even many of us who know better. You have done well, and I hope that you will find a great man to share your life with.

 

[mommamaree]

Just thinking this through to its logical end…
Sexual relations lead to babies, and Catholic couples, when they marry, promise to welcome children the Lord sends them, and contraception is forbidden…
So, even if consummation is possible, how excruciating and damaging will childbirth be?

This has nothing to do with canonical requirements, more of a question of prudence and fairness. Marriage is a one-flesh union, with the expectation of sexual relations and babies. Why would a person enter such a covenant when the primary aspects of marriage are likely impossible due to the pain?

I wish you all the best in your discernment and I am sorry for your painful predicament.

 

[PaulGH]

So, even if consummation is possible, how excruciating and damaging will childbirth be?

This is a very good question to bring up. But I just want to point out that a c-section would probably be an available option.

 

[LoveJesus13]

You say “I imagine.” Have you asked a doctor if that is a fair assumption to make? There are specialists in the field that might be able to help you answer that question. Since you are now contemplating marriage as a possibility, I’d think a more specific answer is worth pursuing. It will allow you to make more informed decisions about what marriage might entail for you and your husband.

There has been a clinic like this at Oregon Health and Sciences University for over 15 years that I know of. If you don’t live near it, I would expect the doctors there might know a likely place near you.
ohsu.edu/xd/health/services/women/services/gynecology-and-obstetrics/services/vulvar-health-program/vulvar-services.cfm

Great suggestion by Easterjoy. Yes you should also pray to our Blessed Mother like one poster said. You can always adopt too. If God’s will for you is to be married and have a life-long companion that you can love and care for and vice versa I don’t see why bc of this impediment you can’t marry. God bless you.

 

[primrose5891]

Why would a person enter such a covenant when the primary aspects of marriage are likely impossible due to the pain?

This has also been my line of thinking over the years, and the main reason why I didn’t think I was called to marriage. I also had to have a hysterectomy in my teens, so I can’t have children. I know adoption is always a possibility if I it turns out I am called to marriage, though, but I’ve had the feeling that I’m just not meant for marriage. I just need to keep trusting that with prayer and discernment, I’ll know one way or another.

 

[mommamaree]

This has also been my line of thinking over the years, and the main reason why I didn’t think I was called to marriage. I also had to have a hysterectomy in my teens, so I can’t have children. I know adoption is always a possibility if I it turns out I am called to marriage, though, but I’ve had the feeling that I’m just not meant for marriage. I just need to keep trusting that with prayer and discernment, I’ll know one way or another.

Now I understand why you made no mention of pregnancy or childbirth earlier. You have been through so much, and so young. I am sorry for that, and I said a prayer for you today for your discernment process. God bless you!

 

[primrose5891]

Thank you so much for your sympathy, encouraging words, and prayers- I really appreciate it.

 

[KatieM2]

Thank you so much for your sympathy, encouraging words, and prayers- I really appreciate it.

I hope others have helped, especially with the advice to get a medical opinion as the problem may be behind you, or capable of being cured. But also I think it’s important to say you are not impotent - you can have sex. It might be painful for you, and you might not want to do it that often (which you should tell any potential suitor). But equally, it might not be painful, and even if it is, you might want to do it anyway, because being married and having a chance of motherhood are in my view such wonderful things they’re worth any amount of pain.