Is Marriage without Love Possible?

[ahoyhoy]

Last question, and then I’m out of here.

Is it possible to marry someone without love? I’m using “love” here in its romantic context. Obviously I can love someone in the way that many people would label “as friends,” but I’ve never really experienced that head-over-heels, I’d-do-anything-for-you kind of feelings. Generally I’m not too emotional, and admittedly I have a tendency to be indifferent or too careful. I don’t get sexually attracted to anyone. I may be physically attracted to anyone, but once his personality or attitude (or his interaction with me) is revealed to be not something of my preference, I’d quickly lose interest.

Earlier I made the “Love Isn’t a Feeling, It’s a Decision” thread. Part of the reason I asked was that I felt like I could definitely *decide *do love someone and stick to it regardless of how I feel about that person. This may not how many of you may interpret that phrase, but this is how I saw (see?) it. Would this be a wise method to get married, though? As someone who was raised in a large family, I’ve always wanted to raise a large family of my own and the only way to achieve this is by first finding a husband. I imagine most men who are halfway decent, though, would want true love to be an important ingredient of their marriage.

(name removed by moderator)ut?

 

[Bluegoat]

Arranged marriages are often very successful - that might answer your question. Some might even say romantic love can make marriage harder, because people then have inaccurate ideas about what love is supposed to be, or think if it disappears, the marriage is somehow impinged or invalid. People who believe in the sanctity of marriage waste a lot of energy trying to keep romance alive, because culture teaches that it is an integral component to marriage.

Culture also tells us that friendship is an integral component to marriage, and sometimes that marriage is the highest form of friendship. That too is incorrect - you do not need to be friends with your spouse - marriage is a different relationship with a reality of its own.

Of course, one can have marriage with romantic love or friendship, but they are not required.

It would be very difficult to be married to someone you despised.

 

[GhostMan]

I think if you look at the components of a good marriage, you’ll see that “love” is there, but - as you are hinting - it does not require emotional or romantic love. I see the most important items for a successful marriage as:

1. Companionship - someone to share the everyday up and downs with. Someone who care about you enough to know when a big event is happening in your life and to be excited with you. Someone who knows when you’re disappointed and commiserate with you. A friend who will be there in good and bad.
2. Respect - someone who you can respect and admire, even when you know their faults and gives the same back to you. Without respect, no marriage can survive. Respect says, I know who you are, for good and bad, and I still believe you to be someone of great value." Respect means giving space to be an individual while still knowing that some things can only be enjoyed with company.
3. A Trust in God - My items are not ordered by rank, just by the order I typed them in. This is probably the highest one on the list, however. Couples who both believe in a God that loves them, saves them, cares for them, and has a plan for their lives have a stronger foundation for success than couples who do not. This works best when both are of the same faith, but even inter-faith or inter-religion couples can manage if they both have these fundemental aspects. A belief in a living God means we are held to a higher standard in life (and after-life) and helps to cement the life-long bonds of marriage.
4. A compatible outlook on children and finances - This does not mean they have to be in agreement, but if the wife wants eight kids and the husband is against having them, there’s little room for compromise.
5. A compatable sex drive - This can mean multiple times a day for some couples and one a year for others, but if both partners feel content and satisfied by the sexual activity then they have a good chance at long term contentment.
6. A commitment that lasts a lifetime. Without both parties areeeing on that, no marriage is worth it’s weight in pig snouts.

None of these things requires romantic love; the emotional component of love is a blessing for those who have it, but not a requirement for a contented life.

Note I said contented not happy. Happy is an emotion that comes and goes. Contentment is a state of mind that says, “God has placed me here and I will strive to trust that He has me here for a reason.” It also means that we know emotions are fleeting and subject to change, but our will to be content, to live within our circumstances without complaining, is ours to control.

 

[SMHW]

Is it possible to marry someone without love? I’m using “love” here in its romantic context.

The short answer is, “Yes.”

The “But…” (you knew there had to be a ‘but…’) is that it can make marriage a lot harder, particularly in cultures where people are accustomed to choosing their own partners and the chosen partners expect to be desired by their spouses. In an arranged marriage it is understood that the couple will have to learn to have loving feelings for each other. But in a culture where mutual sexual attraction is the norm for couples planning to marry, I think that it would be dishonest to marry someone who assumed those feelings would be there if they actually weren’t.

Feelings do ebb and flow during the course of a marriage. But romantic feelings can help a couple overcome many early difficulties in adjusting to married life.

 

[Michael1985]

I think it’s important that children see love between their mother and father as an example.

I think children should be an expression of love that a couple has for one another.

 

[chaunceygardner]

Possible? Yes.
Ideal? No.

Do not get married just to be married, or because you want children. The attraction and romance between two people can vary, but there must be something there initially, or a marriage then becomes nothing more than a living arrangement and a contract.

Infatuation, romance and love can often obscure very important considerations in getting married. The first is a question every person thinking of marriage should ask themselves: Is this someone I want to be with 10 years from now, 25 years from now, 50 years from now?

Periodically a couple is celebrating a milestone anniversary and are recognized in church, and receive a blessing. It is easy to see the couples who are still “in love” after 40, 50 or 60 years, and those who are not. I then wonder if the latter couples were ever really in love.

The other posters here have made some very good points about what is necessary for a successful marriage. I would add that if you start out with genuine love (in all its meanings) and with respect and appreciation for who your spouse is, it will likely continue for all time.

 

[StJudePray4Me]

Last question, and then I’m out of here.

Is it possible to marry someone without love? I’m using “love” here in its romantic context. Obviously I can love someone in the way that many people would label “as friends,” but I’ve never really experienced that head-over-heels, I’d-do-anything-for-you kind of feelings. Generally I’m not too emotional, and admittedly I have a tendency to be indifferent or too careful. I don’t get sexually attracted to anyone. I may be physically attracted to anyone, but once his personality or attitude (or his interaction with me) is revealed to be not something of my preference, I’d quickly lose interest.

Earlier I made the “Love Isn’t a Feeling, It’s a Decision” thread**. Part of the reason I asked was that I felt like I could definitely *decide ***do love someone and stick to it regardless of how I feel about that person. This may not how many of you may interpret that phrase, but this is how I saw (see?) it. Would this be a wise method to get married, though? As someone who was raised in a large family, **I’ve always wanted to raise a large family of my own and the only way to achieve this is by first finding a husband. **I imagine most men who are halfway decent, though, would want true love to be an important ingredient of their marriage.

(name removed by moderator)ut?

I do think you are interpreting the decision to love differently. I feel like it’s a decision to ALWAYS love, and stay together, no matter what comes down the pike. I think most people (correct me if I’m wrong) marry for love, not as a means to an end to have a family.

That said, to just choose someone as “acceptable” even if you have no romantic feelings at all may work if both partners are aware of the fact. I guess if you stayed together and had a family, it might lead to feelings of love after a while.

But you might want to reflect upon the reasons why no one has lived up to your expectations, and why you have never felt a sexual attraction to anyone. Perhaps there are issues there worth examining. Perhaps you have done this already, and it’s none of my business, but it does sadden me to think you have given up on ever feeling romantic love.

 

[Rascalking]

Last question, and then I’m out of here.

Is it possible to marry someone without love? I’m using “love” here in its romantic context. Obviously I can love someone in the way that many people would label “as friends,” but I’ve never really experienced that head-over-heels, I’d-do-anything-for-you kind of feelings. Generally I’m not too emotional, and admittedly I have a tendency to be indifferent or too careful. I don’t get sexually attracted to anyone. I may be physically attracted to anyone, but once his personality or attitude (or his interaction with me) is revealed to be not something of my preference, I’d quickly lose interest.

Earlier I made the “Love Isn’t a Feeling, It’s a Decision” thread. Part of the reason I asked was that I felt like I could definitely *decide *do love someone and stick to it regardless of how I feel about that person. This may not how many of you may interpret that phrase, but this is how I saw (see?) it. Would this be a wise method to get married, though? As someone who was raised in a large family, I’ve always wanted to raise a large family of my own and the only way to achieve this is by first finding a husband. I imagine most men who are halfway decent, though, would want true love to be an important ingredient of their marriage.

(name removed by moderator)ut?

I’m really sorry you haven’t find the guy you want to marry. What I’m more sorry about is that you never felt the “head over heels I’d do anything for you” feeling.

You need to let yourself fall in love. Let the barriers down. While it might mean you get yourself hurt (gasp) you might also experience the best feelings possible in the world.

What is with the anti-romantic sentiments on this site sometimes?

 

[ahoyhoy]

I’m really sorry you haven’t find the guy you want to marry. What I’m more sorry about is that you never felt the “head over heels I’d do anything for you” feeling.

You need to let yourself fall in love. Let the barriers down. While it might mean you get yourself hurt (gasp) you might also experience the best feelings possible in the world.

What is with the anti-romantic sentiments on this site sometimes?

So, uh, how exactly am I supposed to “let myself fall in love”? Love is supposed to come naturally. If you have both sexual/physical attraction and chemistry, you’ll experience love. If you don’t have both, all you have is either lust/infatuation or friendship. If both sexual/physical attraction and chemistry are something we have total control over, I’m sure half if the problems in the world would go away.

But you might want to reflect upon the reasons why no one has lived up to your expectations, and why you have never felt a sexual attraction to anyone.

Why I’ve never felt a sexual attraction to anyone? Maybe I’m just not a sexual being. Some people like boys, some people like girls, some people like everyone, and some people just don’t like anyone. Apparently I fall into the last group that seems so alien in a country whose national pastime is sex.

As for why no one has lived up to my expectations, it’s because no one does. At least no one that I know in person. The secular ones are too liberal and too obnoxious, and were we to live in the same house I’m sure World War III would soon explode. The religious ones are no better. Not only are many of them serial daters who attend church simply to meet “pure” girls (because it’s wrong for girls to spend their weekends in night clubs but not so much for guys), but some of their views still prove too liberal for me! I don’t really expect anyone to be exactly like me and I’m generally tolerant of other point of views, but if I were to spend the rest of my life with someone he’d better not be the kind of person I’ve always despised.

 

[Matrix_Refugee]

As for why no one has lived up to my expectations, it’s because no one does. At least no one that I know in person. The secular ones are too liberal and too obnoxious, and were we to live in the same house I’m sure World War III would soon explode. The religious ones are no better. Not only are many of them serial daters who attend church simply to meet “pure” girls (because it’s wrong for girls to spend their weekends in night clubs but not so much for guys), but some of their views still prove too liberal for me! I don’t really expect anyone to be exactly like me and I’m generally tolerant of other point of views, but if I were to spend the rest of my life with someone he’d better not be the kind of person I’ve always despised.

I hear you: It seems like people – not just men but also women – can be immature about the physical aspect of marital love, whether they’re secular or religious. The secular sorts seem to just want to fool around regardless of how you feel about it, and the religious ones look at it as “what one does in order to have babies”. This is one of the many reasons I decided to get out of “looking for the one”, though it certainly wasn’t the only reason.

 

[CountrySinger]

Marriage without love is possible, all of my married friends are doing it. With one hating her husband. They love the MONEY, not the guy. So I guess love is involved, somehow…

 

[chevalier]

If it’s not head over heels, it doesn’t mean it’s not love. Some people have it like a big fire and some have it like a little breeze. In fact, the latter can be stronger sometimes. You just sound like a sober-minded person that’s not given to excesses. Everyone loves in his own way.

 

[DORTHYGAIL]

Sometimes you don’t realize just how much you love a person until the person isn’t there anymore.
Head over heels, knock your socks off kind of love is possible, but rare. You have to have two people who are in the same place wanting the same thing. Better to be with someone you respect, admire, have the same goals, have the same morals, comfortable to be with at all times.

 

[beckers]

All i can say is that love grows. There are some who have that instant spark and then there are others (like me) who you have a deep love for someone that grows over time. Don’t worry if you don’t have these feelings of great fire cracking love that you see in movies. Its very rare and not very realistic.

I know you might feel like an outsider around friends and such because you have never experienced “more than friends” love but is a good thing. I am glad that i gave my heart to God. I know he was protecting it until the right guy came along. I am 29 years old and never said those words to a man until a few months ago. It took me a long time to say them. I am glad to have waited to say those words to this man in my life for he is truly a wonderful and god loving man. I also hope and pray that he is the only man who gets to hear those words from me.

Though i would like to say that i would never marry someone without love. It would be an odd marriage. I would rather stay single and devote all my love to God and to serve him. The physicalness of love and marriage is yes wonderful and beautiful but i wouldn’t force myself to just get married so that i could have those embraces. There is more to life.

 

[Bluegoat]

Some people aren’t really interested in sex. That could be a problem in a marriage, because it can be a chore if you don’t have much interest, and a spouse can feel very hurt by that if he or she perceives it. One would have to be very careful, but there are people who make that work, so it isn’t impossible.

I don’t think everyone is inclined to be a passionate head-over-heels in love type. Especially if you don’t have those sex hormones flooding your brain - I think the two things are related.

Do you feel you really want your own children? There is a huge need for foster parents and adoptive parents for older kids, especially sibling groups. Perhaps you are being called to something like that?

 

[flyingfish]

I’m sure it’s possible, but why would you ever want to marry someone you don’t love?

 

[kage_ar]

So, uh, how exactly am I supposed to “let myself fall in love”? Love is supposed to come naturally. If you have both sexual/physical attraction and chemistry, you’ll experience love.

This can be found in First Hallmark 7:23 and Lifetime Movie 4:26 -

These are not Scriptural or Church teaching. Love takes work, if it were not so, Jesus would not have commanded us to do it (he did not command us to do what comes natural, because it comes naturally).

If you don’t have both, all you have is either lust/infatuation or friendship. If both sexual/physical attraction and chemistry are something we have total control over, I’m sure half if the problems in the world would go away.

Chemistry is another of those cool Cosmo buzz words.

Remember, God did not create a bunch of people and tell Adam “go find the one you have real chemistry with and she will be your helpmate”.

 

[diggit03]

no…not as love is defined in the Bible (Love is gentle etc).

in any case, here is an article: the case for settling for mr. good enough theatlantic.com/doc/200803/single-marry

just make sure you guys are committed to living for each other under God. Be cautious, and trust yourself. There’s no need to worry. Also, RevRunWisdom Ladies:: dont worry so much about finding the right man… just be happy ur the right woman… dats da key^

 

[L2P2]

Regarding the initial question of the thread, it’s harder to be married without love initially, I would imagine. But the reality is that couples who fall in love and remain committed to a long-term marriage often feel the the problem you are describing. What do you do and what do they do is really the same question.

Sex and love are not the same thing, but they reinforce each other. There is an interesting article about research that indicates that one can “decide” to desire, as the original poster was suggesting:

nytimes.com/2009/11/29/magazine/29sex-t.html

 

[Sierrah]

Sure I’ve asked your question of myself and of GOD. No answer as yet. Children most likely aren’t an option for me but companionship would be nice. I’ve yet to meet a guy who isn’t afraid of commitment though or maybe they just don’t like me enough…whatever. I did date one guy who wanted to be married just to be married and it didn’t really appeal to me but I wasn’t physically attracted to him either. For me the physical attraction would have to be there or else it would never work as many know physical attraction doesn’t always point toward love so I still don’t have a firm answer. To make a long story short if ever I was attracted to a guy and he was willing for me to learn to love him maybe…it’s an interesting question to ponder but I would rather hold out for the kind of relationship my parents had. I would rather have love then have to learn to love someone. So maybe that’s my answer.