Is marriage worth it?

[EasterJoy]

IDK. If we sin more as a married person, then I can see how the Church might think celibacy is better. I can’t think of the Bible verse right now, but I believe it was ST Paul who said that marrieds are more concerned with their spouse than they are with things of God.

I certainly can not speak for others, but I definitely sin more as a married person. Then again, IMO marriage is much harder than the single life, so it’s understandable…not excusable, but understandable.

St. Paul’s thought was that if those meant for marriage do not marry, they are apt to fall into mortal sin, and so “it is better to marry than to be on fire.” Note that he didn’t try to tell Christians they had some obligation to try to put that fire out, but said that taking on the trials of marriage are worth it for those who experience that fire. He also famously described how a married couple was meant to be a miniature model of Christ and the Church. For those who don’t experience the drive to be in a sexual relationship, though, he thought marriage would be more of a distraction than a help to their spiritual lives.

Remember that he lived in a time when marriage was taken as the right choice for everybody who could find a spouse, as a matter of course. He was challenging the position that marriage was always the best choice for everyone.

I think the Church’s position is still the same: Don’t think there is one right state of life for everybody. Marriage is not “worth it” if you don’t have that vocation. Religious life is not “worth it” if you don’t have that vocation. You have to discern what is best for you without knowing the future, but you have to try to discern, anyway. There is no automatic best choice that fits everyone.

 

[hurting]

I beg to differ.

I’ve known a lot of people going through divorce, and a lot of them were not what even they (in retrospect) would describe as rational actors. It only takes one with his or her brain in la-la land to put a family in divorce court. Very often, it is the spouse who has more cause to complain that is the one who is abandoned. Very often, people file for divorce with total fantasies in their heads concerning where that will get them.

Divorce does come as the result of real problems that cannot be dealt with in other ways, such that the Church teaches that civil divorce between validly married couples is morally permissible in some situations, but sometimes divorce comes from totally unrealistic and irrational thinking, too, both before and after marriage. I’ve known enough first-hand accounts to know this to be true, and I think the vast majority of divorce attorneys will tell you the same thing.

After all, think of how many people commit suicide in a given year. How many go back to abusive situations when there was a way out? How many won’t go to the doctor because they fear the treatment that their condition might warrant, because they fear that they might be told they have what they secretly believe they have? Pain, past trauma, and fear of the unknown have a way of setting off irrational chains of actions as often (or more often) than rational ones.

Divorce is not an exception: it is chosen for reasons both very rational but also grossly irrational.

I think we are in agreement more than not, with one point of clarification. Yes, I do very firmly believe that there are many initiators of divorce whose decisions could appear to be irrational when viewed against staying married. The issue at play is not one of absolute cost/benefit (all parties to a divorce are worse off by any number of objective measures vis-a-vis staying married), but rather relative cost/benefit. Again, if the relative cost/benefit were equal, initiation rates would be equal. Insofar as those rates of initiation are not even close to being equal between men and women, it is quite reasonable to surmise that the the gender with the higher rate of initiation is either comprised of an inordinately high ratio of irrational actors or stands to lose the least vis-a-vis staying married. So what is it - are women more likely to be irrational actors or are they advantaged by the system?