Is mercy possible?

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uglygal

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Hi,

I would like to ask a question, in all sincerity and without malice and would appreciate a straight forward answer.

I’ll forewarn that in the next few days I will be leaving where I am to a place where I will not have daily internet access so I will not be on daily.

ok.

I have a very horrible past with catholicism / christianity. I don’t want to go into huge detail but it involved alot of abuse. This is not the point of my post, just the context.
I was born and raised catholic, went to catholic schools, prayed lots of rosaries, did the devotions, mercy chaplet, go to confession, I have gone to mass every Sunday cause if I don’t I’ll go to hell … for gods sake, I am no longer catholic/christian and I STILL GO TO MASS every Sunday because of fear.
As a result I had a nervous breakdown exactly ten years ago and have suffered with depression/anxiety/panic attacks ever since.

I now want freedom! I want to be free, from the church, from Jesus, from Mary and from all the saints. That is all I want. Again I do not mean this with malice. I was filled with anger for such a long time now I just feel sadness and want an end. I feel like I have lost my entire life to date because of catholicism/christianity.

I do not want to make anyone lose faith. I want the chains of this so-called salvation to be broken so i can be free. The salvation of christ has been the most painful thing I have ever endured.

I do believe in the Heavenly Father. He alone is enough for me and there for me. He is my peace … so why must he be destroyed? Why am I so sinful because I believe in the Father?

I do not want Jesus or Mary or the saints. They can fight for heaven’s front seats between themselves. I do not want eternal life, I do not want glory, or merit, or to be holy.
I just want to live what’s left of my life with peace.

I know I am an object of wrath created for hell

“Thou wilt say then unto me, Why doth he yet find fault? For who hath resisted his will?
Nay but, O man, who art thou that repliest against God? Shall the thing formed say to him that formed it, Why hast thou made me thus?
Hath not the potter power over the clay, of the same lump to make one vessel unto honour, and another unto dishonour? What if God, choosing to show his wrath and make his power known, bore with great patience the objects of his wrath–prepared for destruction?”

and that is alright. But I would like peace so why is it such a sin for me to turn to a God who is merciful to me? Why, as I wait to be destroyed, can’t I have some peace.

I honestly feel and believe that with everything that had happened and all the pain and all the fear and all the loss of years and youth I will never trust Jesus. Never.

According to there being no salvation outside of the church - and I am not invincibly ignorant of the church’s teachings, I know them very well. Why do I still have to be damned? To me it feels like being spat in the face.

I’m not sure if I have expressed myself clearly. This is a difficult thing to ask and I find it difficult to describe what goes on in my soul at times.
 
Mercy is possible.

Christianity can’t be a cause of a nervous break down. There is something outside of Christianity that is the root of the problem. Faith, hope and love draw me to the mass, not fear. Pray to the Heavenly Father for help and guidance. Listen carefully to the homilies in these up and coming weeks. You are in my prayers.
 
Ok, then. Here is your prayer:

Heavenly Father, I would like peace.

Amen

When he gives it to you, accept it.

Some day you will see the influence the faith has brought you, even though for now, you are going through a rebellion of sorts in your mind, what you are actually doing is getting real and true to yourself, simply going through the motions is not enough. This is a good thing, coming to terms with ones self, being brutally honest with ones self is something too many of us have to strive for.

While you are on this rant though, bring it to the Father first, he’s God, he can handle and take anything at all, and come right back to you with gentle, loving arms. The rest, consider add ons in your case, things that you will appreciate greatly some day, but not how you are at present. That takes time, but you’ll be joined much more deeply then you were before, and to be honest, this is your appeal here, to truly be closer to God, not just going through the motions.

So, just say that little prayer for now, just make it your personal request, let him take it from there.

Peace be with you, Brian
 
You actually don’t know the truths of the Church because they’re all mixed up for you. You’re so hurt and battered that you don’t really know what Jesus and salvation is about.
What you say makes that abundantly clear; and technically knowing Church teachings but actually* not understanding or knowing them.*

The way you speak of the Saviour and others makes it very clear that you don’t actually know the truths of the gospel and the Church as they really are. You don’t understand them.
If you did then you would be culpable in the way you mention…as it is…
quite honestly …
 
I honestly feel and believe that with everything that had happened and all the pain and all the fear and all the loss of years and youth I will never trust Jesus. Never.
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I suggest the following: make and effort and write down a description of “your” Jesus. The one you will never trust. How do you see him ? What is he like ? What good things has he done to you ? What bad things ? How has he cheated your trust and hurt you ? Why do you want to be free from him ?

Don’t worry about it being blasphemous or leading you to Hell. The way I see it, it will probably end up not being about Jesus.

In the meanwhile, if you believe in the Heavenly Father, love Him and trust Him to offer you peace and freedom from your torments, just pray. It’s OK. Remember: “Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind.”

I will pray that you find peace.
 
Erethorn said:
I suggest the following: make and effort and write down a description of “your” Jesus. The one you will never trust. How do you see him ? What is he like ? What good things has he done to you ? What bad things ? How has he cheated your trust and hurt you ? Why do you want to be free from him ?

Don’t worry about it being blasphemous or leading you to Hell. The way I see it, it will probably end up not being about Jesus.

In the meanwhile, if you believe in the Heavenly Father, love Him and trust Him to offer you peace and freedom from your torments, just pray. It’s OK. Remember: “Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind.”

I will pray that you find peace.
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👍👍👍
 
Thankyou for that suggestion … I will do it.

I do not want this post to be a rant, rather I want to gain something.
 
uglygal said:
I know I am an object of wrath created for hell
.
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No! You are not, and this is not Church teaching anyway - God does not create human souls with the intention of just sending them to hell regardless of what they do about it. That is Calvinist Protestant teaching, it is not Catholic. God loves us. He also says to us, “Fear not.”

It’s clear that you love God in the midst of all the hurt and confusion, so follow that love. And yes, God is merciful. He sees your suffering and he suffers with you.
 
I was just thinking - there are a number of books written by saints; have you ever read one? St. Therese of Lisieux? She wrote a book called “Story of a Soul.” Or St. Faustina? She wrote a book called “Divine Mercy in My Soul.” I recommend the latter especially, because you are asking about God’s mercy, and the whole focus of the book is on mercy. Also, it might give you a very different image of Jesus than the one you have gotten from the people around you. You may be surprised.
 
It is so good for you to ask for help. There is so much suffering in this world, you are not alone. The responses I have read so far seem very good. I will pray God alleviates your suffering.

There is one God. Saints help people with their faith life, but they are not required. Church is not God, and if wrongs were done to you in the past, it is by human error. Pray to God as you know him, and your prayers will be heard.

When I was having troubles with bouts of extreme anxiety not too long ago, I would pray. One thing that helped me…when I would pray the Our Father, I would get to the part: “Thy will be done”, and I would pray it, and mean it, and it felt like a huge burden was lifted from me. I would get chills down my spine sometimes, and feel so much better. It helped me anyways, to meditate on this a bit. Our will is to feel well and at peace. Our Father in heaven wants us to do well, but usually has a different perspective that we cannot understand. We are impossibly short-sighted.

Pray that the Father’s will is done. Sometimes, as painful as it is, the Father wills us to suffer. I’ve suffered, and I know a bit of what you are going through in regards to anxiety. You will survive. The suffering is temporary (as all things are on earth). And, believe it or not, this experience will make you stronger in the long run.

In fact I’ll say a prayer for you right now. I will pray that the advice of this board touches your heart, and God the Father touches your heart as well, and brings you peace. Amen.
 
Just talk with the Father and, over time, ask Him to introduce His Son to you. And never doubt His love or His power. No one – least of all you – was created for hell.

Remember the Father in the story of the prodigal son. He was waiting for His child to come home and when He spotted him, He ran out to meet the child, dressed him up in fine clothes and threw a big bash in his honor. God’s just waiting for us to come home so that He can put His arms around us. He wants to forgive us more than we want to be forgiven. He wants us in heaven more than we want to be there. Mercy is possible. As Fr. Corapi said, Mercy is God’s name.

You are in my prayers – and the prayers of so many people on this board.

God bless,
Dan
 
:hug1: I’m really sorry you’re struggling.

Here is my honest answer…

I feel that you have for some reason misunderstood who Jesus is and what He is like. Maybe this is because of the abuse you went through. What if you tried to understand Him all over again, in a different way this time, with a new perspective?

Our faith was never meant to be about fear. Above all, we should trust in God’s mercy… if we trust with all our hearts, there’s no room for fear.

I think if we were to understand how much Jesus loves us… we would never look at our faith in this way again. Maybe you can try looking at it from a different perspective?

There’s always mercy…

When we sin, God doesn’t want to punish us, He just wants us to come back to Him. He wants to forgive us much more than we want to be forgiven.
 
(from St Faustina’s Diary)

*The Goodness of God. *
The mercy of God, hidden in the Blessed Sacrament, the voice of the Lord who speaks to us from the throne of mercy: Come to Me, all of you.

*Conversation of the Merciful God with a Sinful Soul. *
Jesus: Be not afraid of your Savior, O sinful soul. I make the first move to come to you, for I know that by yourself you are unable to lift yourself to me. Child, do not run away from your Father; be willing to talk openly with Your God of mercy who wants to speak words of pardon and lavish his graces on you. How dear your soul is to Me! I have inscribed your name upon My hand; you are engraved as a deep wound in My Heart.

Soul: Lord I hear Your voice calling me to turn back from the path of sin, but I have neither the strength nor the courage to do so.

Jesus: I am your strength, I will help you in the struggle.

Soul: Lord I recognize Your holiness and I fear You.

Jesus: My child, do you fear the God of mercy? My holiness does not prevent Me from being merciful. Behold. for you I have established a throne of mercy on earth - the tabernacle - and from this throne I desire to enter into your heart. I am not surrounded by a retinue of guards. You can come to Me at any moment, at any time; I want to speak to you and desire to grant you grace.

Soul: Lord, I doubt that You will pardon my numerous sins; my misery fills me with fright.

Jesus: My mercy is greater than your sins and those of the entire World. Who can measure the extent of my goodness? For you I descended from heaven to earth; for you I allowed Myself to be nailed to the Cross; for you I let My Sacred Heart be pierced with a lance, thus opening wide the source of mercy for you. Come then, with trust to draw graces from this fountain. I never reject a contrite heart. Your misery has disappeared in the depths of My mercy. Do not argue with Me about your wretchedness. You will give me pleasure if you hand over to Me all your troubles and griefs. I shall heap upon you the treasures of My grace.

Soul: You have conquered, O Lord, my stony heart with Your goodness. In trust and humility I approach the tribunal of Your mercy, where You yourself absolve me by the hand of your representative. O Lord, I feel Your grace and Your peace filling my poor soul. I feel overwhelmed by Your mercy, O Lord. You forgive me, which is more than I dared to hope for or could imagine. Your goodness surpasses all my desires. And now, filled with gratitude for so many graces, I invite You to my heart. I wandered, like a prodigal child gone astray; but You did not cease to be my Father. Increase Your mercy toward me, for You see how weak I am.

Jesus: Child, speak no more of your misery; it is already forgotten. Listen, My child, to what I desire to tell you. Come close to My wounds and draw from the Fountain of Life whatever your heart desires. Drink copiously from the Fountain of Life and you will not weary on your journey. Look at the splendors of My mercy and do not fear the enemies of your salvation. Glorify My mercy.
 
*Conversation of the Merciful God with a Despairing Soul. *

Jesus: O soul steeped in darkness, do not despair. All is not yet lost. Come and confide in your God, who is love and mercy.

But the soul, deaf even to this appeal, wraps itself in darkness.

Jesus calls out again: My child, listen to the voice of your merciful Father.
In the soul arises this reply, “For me there is no mercy,” and it falls into greater darkness, a despair which is a foretaste of hell and makes it unable to draw near to God.

Jesus calls to the souls a third time, but the soul remains deaf and blind, hardened and despairing. Then the mercy of God begins to exert itself, and, without any co-operation from the soul, God grants it final grace. If this too is spurned, God will leave the soul in this self chosen disposition for eternity. This grace emerges from the merciful Heart of Jesus and gives the soul a special light by means of which the soul begins to understand God’s effort; but conversion depends on its own will. The soul knows that this, for her, is final grace and, should it show even a flicker of good will, the mercy of God will accomplish the rest.

My omnipotent mercy is active here. Happy the soul that takes advantage of this grace.

Jesus: What joy fills My Heart when you return to Me. Because you are weak, I take you in My arms and carry you to the home of My Father.

Soul: (as if awakening, asks fearfully): Is it possible that there is yet mercy for me?

Jesus: There is, My child. You have a special claim on My mercy. Let it act in your poor soul; let the rays of grace enter your soul; they bring with them light, warmth, and life.

Soul: But fear fills me at the thought of my sins, and this terrible fear moves me to doubt Your goodness.

Jesus: My child, all your sins have not wounded My Heart as painfully as your present lack of trust does - that after so many efforts of My love and mercy, you should still doubt My goodness.

Soul: O Lord, save me yourself, for I perish. Be my Savior. O Lord, I am unable to say anything more; my pitiful heart is torn asunder; but You, O Lord…

Jesus does not let the soul finish but, raising it from the ground, from the depths of its misery, he leads it into the recesses of His Heart where all its sins disappear instantly, consumed by the flames of love.

Jesus: Here, soul, are all the treasures of My Heart. Take everything you need from it.
Soul: O Lord, I am inundated with Your grace. I sense that a new life has entered into me and, above all, I feel Your love in my heart. That is enough for me. O Lord, I will glorify the omnipotence of Your mercy for all eternity. Encouraged by Your goodness, I will confide to You all the sorrows of my heart.

Jesus: Tell Me all, My child, hide nothing from Me because My loving Heart, the Heart of Your Best Friend is listening to you.

Soul: O Lord, now I see all my ingratitude and Your goodness. You were pursuing me with Your grace, while I was frustrating Your benevolence. I see that I deserve the depths of hell for spurning Your graces.

Jesus (interrupting): Do not be absorbed in your misery - you are still too weak to speak of it - but, rather, gaze on My Heart filled with goodness, and be imbued with My sentiments. Strive for meekness and humility; be merciful to others, as I am to you; and, when you feel your strength failing, if you come to the fountain of mercy to fortify your soul, you will not grow weary on your journey.

Soul: Now I understand Your mercy, which protects me and like a brilliant star, leads me into the home of my Father, protecting me from all the horrors of hell that I have deserved, not once, but a thousand times. O Lord, eternity will hardly suffice for me to give due praise to Your unfathomable mercy and Your compassion for me.
 
Father help us to recover where injury goes beyond ordinary forgiveness and our hearts are in some way crushed, and our lives changed and devalued. Help us to find a way to forgive when we cannot smile or encounter the offending person with warmth because they have destroyed something in us.

Father please help us to forgive when we cannot forgive…and we cannot forgive because they do not understand how badly they have hurt us, and do not seek in any real way to acknowledge or try to heal the hurt they imposed on us. And even when we tried to tell them from the bottom of our heart but they would not listen, please help us to forgive.

Father help us to forgive when those who hurt our lives do not even remember how badly they have wounded us, and go on with their lives without concern, while we remain still held in some kind of time capsule with the consequences of their unfeeling and uncaring and attack.

Father, help us to forgive when those who wounded us by ignoring our needs and requests, yet who desire us to ignore their offence, and expect us to respond to their hints or manipulations while they make no concessions or apologies.

Help us to forgive those who impose their own conditions and rules upon us, without respecting that our hurt is real and radical, while they make us feel that they only desire our capitulation without justice, apology, or generosity from them.

Father please free us, free me, in forgiveness and healing that comes from Your Son, innocent, and murdered, but forgiving.
 
uglygal, I hate that you call yourself that! I’m so angry that whoever should have been loving and affirming and protecting you in your past didn’t do it. And even worse, that person (persons?) used Jesus and the church to wound and batter and manipulate you. So that everything that should have been a blessing to you and joy and freedom, you now perceive as chains and a curse and burden. Maybe the persons who did this were damaged in some way themselves, I’m not making excuses for them though. And I don’t rule out Satan’s influence.

We are NOT sinners in the hands of an angry God. There is such a thing as God’s wrath but it’s not aimed at you; it’s aimed at those who cause His little ones to have the feelings you have toward Jesus and the church.

We are sinners in the hands of a merciful Father. What a great grace God has given you that, in spite of what you have suffered, you still can turn to the merciful Father. Have confidence in Him.

I might be able to understand a little of what you’re going through. At one time in my life I felt that God would have to judge me and send me to hell because of the situation I was in. In my case, it was Jesus I could turn to. I told Jesus that I knew the Father would send me to hell for my sins and that was okay but please, could I at least have Jesus’ friendship and closeness and some peace here in my life even if I wasn’t going to have heaven. Intellectually, I knew that God (Father, Son, and Holy Spirit) is one. But I associated God the Father, and even the word ‘father’, with rules, judgment, and punishment and the Son (Jesus) with mercy and acceptance. With you it is the opposite.

I did continue to go to mass, not out of fear (I already considered myself lost) but because I loved Jesus and being at mass was a ‘church rule’ I could follow even if I couldn’t do the others. Could you continue to go to mass, NOT because it’s a church rule, but simply because it’s the worship that pleases the Father who you love and who loves you?

During the last 33 years God has brought about emotional healing in my life that I could never have anticipated. During much of that time I couldn’t trust or open up to any other person about my life or feelings. So it was only God I could turn to. I would go to a ‘healing mass’ or service and ask God to help me. But I could never bring myself to go up to be prayed over, not for many many years. I put myself in physical places where I hoped to be able to encounter God. On the long drives home is when I experienced some closeness to God and the beginning of healing.

Very gradually Jesus brought me into a relationship with the Father and with the Blessed Mother. He changed my attitudes and emotions. I was able to turn away from some of the sins I was involved in. I was able to forgive some people for things that had happened to me in the past. Also, I needed to forgive God for allowing some things. I hadn’t realized how angry I was and how much I didn’t trust Him.

Anyway, the reason I’m writing all this is to encourage you that there is hope because God is very merciful and powerful. I’m over sixty and don’t look like much but I could never have imagined being as happy as I am now and confident of God’s love and able to relate to other people. I no longer need medication for depression.

You say you just want a little peace here on earth. The Heavenly Father can give you this. But He won’t be satisfied with just giving you a little. If you try to be faithful to Him and try to be willing to forgive those who have injured you, you open the door for Him to heal you more and more. Forgiveness is very important (and it is NOT excusing anything that happened).

You are feeling a great loss, your whole life up to this point and your peace of mind. Incredibly, God is able to bring good out of this for you.

In addition to what others have suggested, I’ve found that the writings of Julian of Norwich have helped me to appreciate God’s love and compassion for us.

Hang in there, don’t give up.
 
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