Is My Fiancé Same-Sex Attracted—Or Something Else?

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Oh for the love of all that’s holy…

We want people behaving chastely, and when we find one, we accuse him/her of homosexuality.

Make up your minds already, people.
 
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He doesn’t sound like he’s attracted to the same sex at all. Maybe he just doesn’t feel the need for physical intimacy as you do?

Look up the 5 love languages, it might help you. It sounds like your love language is touch, and his is probably something else.

And the honesty/rule following thing really means nothing at all in terms of sexuality. In fact, if he is always so honest, that suggests you have absolutely nothing to worry about.

If I were you, I would stop bringing this up with your friends. They don’t seem to be helping and are only putting doubts and insecurity in your head.
 
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Really, being able to control oneself while sharing a bed is not a sign of homosexuality. It’s a sign of self control and maturity.
If you’re worried, just ask him if he prefers men or women. He should know.
 
I have to say I understand the OP´s worries - been there, too 😉
I used to live most time of my past life as believing in god, but not following any rules regarding sexuality until I met my husband.
First, he gave me the idea to be pure, respected, and I understood the christian positions on sexuality suddenly in my own life - even if he´s not a practicing christ of any denomination, he just grew up with the idea that having sex only for fun with anyone is weird, and, therefore, stayed a virgin. We married when he was 28 and I was 25, and a lot of “first steps” came from me, as he simply got used to stay chaste and is not the most outgoing person.
During the time before our marriage, I had the same fear as you have, completely unnessecary as I can say now. I was confused simply by what I didn´t understand.
Talk to him, openly, about sexuality, too. Don´t take this worries into marriage. Even the most shy person can endure that and will be able to explain his feelings - and if not, I would seriously consider waiting with the marriage plans. Open talks are necessary and talking about sth. one is ashamed of would be maybe nessecary in your marriage later, too.
The OCD is something important, too. Like what I said above, the point here is figuring out whether tolerance and communication is managable or not.
Good Luck, dear OP!
 
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In my experience secular friends won’t understand chastity well so it’s good you messaged here. I agree about the 5 love languages and he has more practice with controlling those desires if he has been chaste his whole life. I don’t have physical touch as a love language so it isn’t that hard for me to avoid near occasions of sin with my boyfriend- I’m more of an act of service girl. It’s harder for my boyfriend because physical touch is his love language. Sounds like maybe for you guys it’s the other way around. Please don’t over think all of this 🙂 enjoy your engagement and keep working toward your marriage. Be proud of the man you are marrying and his commitment to chastity! It’s a beautiful and rare thing in this day and age. The struggle will be worth it I’m sure!
 
catholic1991 said:
A few of my “secular” friends were the ones who suggested he might be gay because While traveling, we shared a bed a few times and he was able to control himself.
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Sherlock Holmes they are not. This is evidence?
 
catholic1991 said:
Is it the Devil putting doubt in my heart about an otherwise fantastic man who just isn’t as physically needy as I am? Or is it me just being needy and craving physical affection because I became used to it in my years of living sinfully?
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Libido is important and something the two of you should discuss honestly and directly. Ask him if he is sexually attracted, has a healthy libido, and is restraining himself or if he isn’t all that interested in physical affection. What does sexual intimacy look like post marriage in his eyes? Ask why he doesn’t initiate hugs, cuddles, kisses.

Don’t go there with the are you gay thing.
 
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"…whereas for me it’s a continuous struggle. I WANT chastity, don’t get me wrong, but sometimes it hurts that it’s not as difficult for him. It makes me wonder if he’s really physically attracted to me that way. I’m a pretty girl, so that’s not the issue."

You are faulting him, and questioning his sexuality because you are struggling. That is on you, not him.

Honestly, the comment about you being hurt that it’s not difficult for him is kind of strange and sort of narcissistic. You are disappointed/hurt that you aren’t so appealing to him that he can’t help but struggle with his desire for you. And then, you add that you are pretty too, as if your physical appearance should also be enough to make him “struggle” as you do. That is your vanity speaking.

Apparently, you are not used to good men, and your friends are not either or they wouldn’t be reinforcing or suggesting these ridiculous ideas.

Perhaps you should re-evaluate your thinking and thank God for sending you a man that is willing to be chaste as he should be, and honest.
 
WHY are you even discussing your future husband’s sexuality with your friends??? How would he feel if he found out about this??
 
You say that he has “little difficulty” in this area, but do you actually know that? He could very well be struggling but keeping it to himself.

My husband and I dated many years before we married. It was difficult to wait, but not impossible, and some men are just really respectful and have a lot of self control. People like to believe that men are these insatiable beings who cannot possibly live without sex, but often women are the ones in the relationship with a higher drive.

I think it’s pretty terrible of your friends to suggest he might be lying to you about his sexuality simply because he is a man with self control. I think you should stop talking about it with your friends and talk about it with your fiance instead.
 
catholic1991 said:
I WANT chastity, don’t get me wrong, but sometimes it hurts that it’s not as difficult for him. It makes me wonder if he’s really physically attracted to me that way. I’m a pretty girl, so that’s not the issue.
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Uh, it sounds like you’re becoming envious that he’s not having the same difficulties as you are. Honestly, how do you know that he isn’t?
catholic1991 said:
He’s like this in other aspects of his life too: he’s an obsessive rule-follower. It could be legitimately clinical (OCD or OCPD, for example). He’s honest to a fault,
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catholic1991 said:
But if it’s because he’s gay—and doesn’t even know it himself because he’s so religious—I don’t know what I’d do with myself.
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So far, you’ve postulated that he could have mental health issues and/or be a homosexual. I’m not sure why you’re linking mental health with homosexuality…
catholic1991 said:
Or is it me just being needy and craving physical affection because I became used to it in my years of living sinfully?
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You just answered your own Thread. You two have a lot to talk about.
 
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Let me see, he knows his limits and sticks to them. He does not play fast and loose with morality.

You have affianced a good man!
 
Cruciferi said:
I’ll admit it, I’m a virgin and I’ve never engaged in sex. Personally, It would be quite hurtful for me to know that my fiancé would think that I’m a homosexual because I have self control.

Unfortunately, this disturbing line of thought is quite prevalent. I’ve been teased for years about being a homosexual because I’m not promiscuous or constantly dating.
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I agree. And people wonder why virgins (especially male virgins) seek other virgins for dating and marriage. It is also hurtful when male virgins are criticized as “immature” or “insecure” and female virgins turn their back on them (I can find examples right here on CAF). What ever happened to being a “team player” and “being there for one’s own kind” so that they don’t have to be subject to this type of harassment? This is a perfect way to be of service to the Church (by being there for each other).
 
You post this a lot, and it’s always hilarious because there is no “whatever happened to…” because that was never a western dating/marriage practice.

You would be better off seeking a woman who won’t ridicule you for anything rather than one who can’t ridicule you for virginity because she’s one herself. A person who wants to hurt you will find a way.

And yes, fearing this hypothetical ridicule to the extent that you spend years bemoaning that the church won’t intervene and try to totally reconstruct how American Catholics find spouses to center on sexual experience so that you can totally avoid the issue does betray a great deal of insecurity.
 
To the OP, gay seems like a leap, but if you’re concerned that his level of self-control indicates mismatched drives or ideas of what a healthy sex life should look like, you should definitely bring it up in a positive, open to discussion way. And don’t even mention gay. But engaged couples should definitely be having this discussion anyway.
 
To me, it sounds like he swings the other way. But hey, that’s just me. Probably not, but that doesn’t sound like straight behavior.
 
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