Is my marriage reached the end?

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Butterflylily

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I am into breaking point. My patience has almost completely gone. My concern is will I sin against God if my husband and I be separated? My story is: been married for 14 yrs but been dating for 7 yrs b4 marriage, we are both professional with 2 kids ages 13 &9. To make d story short my husband got diagnosed with major depressive disorder after his mom died 8-9 yrs ago. Been ff by a psychiatrist but no behavioral therapy. Per his md he has a narcissistic view in life, thinks everyone is against him or ganging up on him. These symptoms got worse when he quit his job in March this yr for the same reason the he thinks his coworker is ganging up on him. He quit his job with a thought that he will land a job soon after he passes his test unfortunately he did not . However after 2 mos he got a job and he asked me to just have1FT job instead of 2PT, again unfortunately he has to quit within a month coz he was so stressed with his boss. Took again d test and did nt pass… He is currently working with a less stressful job and as for me I have a FT n 2Perdiem jobs. Because of mixed unbalanced emotions he goes from being sweet to being mean verbally. Shouts, curse, yell to me or to the kids. When he slams doors n stuff I made it a point that kids are with me and try to talk to them calmly so that they won’t be scared. Several times I think I can’t handle him anymore, my sister and other friends who knew us would tell me that I have a world of patience that I can be St Monica in the modern times. If he gets stressed our house is like there’s no peace at all. My kids got scared my nerves jumps. And if something comes up (that we may progress financially) he will maybe not intentionally would try to stop it. My sister has warned me on this. On the way she sees things between us. For the record my family has never asked me to leave my husband they r there to support whatever decisions I make. My thoughts are I don’t want my kids to have unstable/ unhappy full of yelling n screaming day to day life for the next 10-20 years of their lives coz when they have a family of their own I’m afraid that it will carry over. For me as much as possible I’m trying. But I’m already tired and afraid for what’s gonna happen for the next 10 yrs. at the same time I had a vow to fulfill. I don’t know what to do anymore. Don’t wa to ask my sister or my cousin that know about our case and for so many years have been helping us. The yelling n screaming has been going on for years but lately has been worse. Pls let me know what your thoughts. if there any psychologist out there that would help me. Another thing when it comes to God n faith he doesn’t want to be involved.
 
From the Catholic Code of Canon Law:

“Can. 1153 §1 A spouse who occasions grave danger of soul or body to the other or to the children, or otherwise makes the common life unduly difficult, provides the other spouse with a reason to leave, either by a decree of the local Ordinary or, if there is danger in delay, even on his or her own authority.”

Your situation sounds as if it endangers the well-being of yourself and your children.

May God guide you.

What you and your children are enduring is harmful abuse.
Hopefully your husband will receive the help he needs.
And please God your children and you can find healing and peace.

I hope you have a very good priest and can explain the situation clearly and fully, as I think you do need to speak to your priest.
 
I think you already have made up your mind, and your just testing the water,
To see if your thoughts are confirmed, the answer is of course yes,
As the previous poster advised, if you feel that you or your children are in danger ,
Then you should leave, and leave because it seems obvious your husband is in denial about his condition,
Many people like your husband have varying degrees of mental issues and accept that fact,
And do there best to control it, but those that yell & scream and everything is someone else’s fault, well, it’s hard to work with them, for the sake of yourself and your children,
You should leave soon as possible, but plan what you do before you do it,
Don’t leave without a plan for your future ,
 
I’m praying for your whole family. That’s a horrible situation for all of you to be in. I pray that your husband will get the help he needs.
 
I don’t think being separated is contrary to church teaching.

You must look out for the welfare of your children and yourself.
 
You do not have to “end a marriage” to work with this. It is perfectly wise to “separate” when there is danger, with the point being, that the one you separate from has to amend their life into a life that is reasonable rather than irrational. Don’t look at your marriage as “at an end”, but whether these actions can be permitted in your life together, in your home. If not allowed, then separation until the actions are abandoned and your husband embraces proper relationship actions. Do not abandon the boat, but require that all rowers row in synchronization. And sometimes that means not letting one of the rowers participate in the rowing - the boat moves slower, but the boat moves ahead. When that rower decides he wants to row and agrees to row in sync, then you welcome him back to his participation, but not until.

Separation has a goal; it is not permanent and can and should end when the goal is reached.
 
John_Martin said:
You do not have to “end a marriage” to work with this. It is perfectly wise to “separate” when there is danger, with the point being, that the one you separate from has to amend their life into a life that is reasonable rather than irrational. Don’t look at your marriage as “at an end”, but whether these actions can be permitted in your life together, in your home. If not allowed, then separation until the actions are abandoned and your husband embraces proper relationship actions. Do not abandon the boat, but require that all rowers row in synchronization. And sometimes that means not letting one of the rowers participate in the rowing - the boat moves slower, but the boat moves ahead. When that rower decides he wants to row and agrees to row in sync, then you welcome him back to his participation, but not until.

Separation has a goal; it is not permanent and can and should end when the goal is reached.
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Yes.

And definitely work with a counselor for you and perhaps a hotline for abused women to figure out how to safely separate your households if it comes to that. It sounds like you don’t think that your children are physically safe.

Some obvious conditions for living together would be for him to hold down a job for a substantial length of time, to do a personal finance course with you, to follow a budget, to go to a therapist who does behavioral therapy for a substantial length of time, to work on anger issues, and so forth.

There’s a very good book entitled “Why Does He Do That?” that may open your eyes.

I kind of wonder if your husband’s psychological problems aren’t more complicated than depression.

Best wishes! Keep safe!
 
It sounds to me as though your husbands illness is not under control, and things may be tons better if it were.

I’d recommend carefully researching and searching for some highly skilled psychiatrists and psychologists to address what he’s going through.

I’m sure you love your husband and there was a time when he was not like this. You might be able to get him back with a little hard work concerning the above. But separation is a viable last resort, I believe.

Jesus bless you and your family.
 
I have 2 relatives who suffer from anxiety. So in order to understand it better, I bought them them those Lucinda Bassett CDs. I listened to them afterwards so that I could understand them better and maybe help them. I was impressed with the CDs. In summary, she says that focusing on negative thoughts keeps the anxiety present. She said to write down every negative thought and the sufferer would see how often the negative thoughts exist within the person’s outlook each day. This slowly devolves into a habitual negative outlook. Naturally, the relatives were skeptical and didn’t think it would work (because they were so focused on being negative and believed nothing would work except some magic medicine). As the CDs instructed, they both slowly started minimizing the negative thoughts and anticipating the positives in life. I believe it’s called Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. It has helped tremendously. One of them is a little hung up on the fact that the credentialed doctor diagnosed (labeled) her with Anxiety Disorder, so she believes she remains partially afflicted by it, which seems to be a self-fulfilling prophesy. I wish I could convince the doctor to pronounce her Cured because she’d probably believe that too, thereby decreasing her anxiety now that she has largely eliminated her habit of negative thinking. LOL. The other relative is a little more rebellious so she decided to take a more active role in improving her outlook on life. She got better than the one with the doctor’s label of Anxiety Disorder. Even though she still has occasional down periods, she’s much better. I highly recommend the CDs. I feel like I finally understand. :)⭕)
 
thank you everyone for your (name removed by moderator)ut. I do appreciate each and every comment.
 
A quick comment: a separation may help you gain perspective, so that you can look at the situation more objectively.
I suspect that you will realize how damaging this behavior has been to your children, and become firm in your insistence that your husband get help to change.
They have already been subjected to enough abuse and fear. Please do not wait longer to get them to a safe and calm environment.
Once you are no longer under so much stress, you will see things more clearly yourself.
God bless.
 
HI: Has your husband taken any medications for his depression? He also seems to have developed some paranoia. How long ago did he see the psychiatrist and should he be re-evaluated?

That being said, you are all being emotionally abused.

Think about seeing a therapist together so that you can let your husband know how you feel in the safety of a professional’s office. At least give some marriage counseling a chance, after you re-visit the psychiatrist. Clearly, your husband is out of control but possibly through medication and therapy, perhaps there is a chance to help the situation.
 
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