Is my marriage salvagable?

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IM3RD

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I got married a little over two years ago… I was brought up Catholic, and my wife converted during our courtship, so we had a wedding mass and full Sacrament of Matrimony on May 11, 2002.

I gradually developed a drug problem and fell into a deep depression which ultimately led to suicidal thoughts. I was both embarrassed and ashamed, so told nobody how I felt and gradually fell away from my Faith and the Church. My wife didn’t force the issue either. At any rate, I started to tell her that we should separate and consider divorce as I was getting more serious about harming myself and didn’t want her around if I did the unthinkable…

So, we separated in early January and continued to communicate until the end of January. I finally broke and sought both liturgical and professional counseling and have quit using drugs and the depression and suicidal thoughts are gone as well. During February, her angry girlfriends convinced her to file for divorce and her attorney got the divorce pushed through the courts without my approval &/or signature.

Am I a fool to think that my best friend will recognize my growth and want to reconcile? Or, should I start to look into the annulment process and begin the healing process? I really believe that things can be fixed, but lines of communication are currently non-existant…

BTW, I am 38, she is 32, and this was a first marriage for both of us and no children are involved.

Thanks in advance to all who might offer help or advice.
 
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IM3RD:
I got married a little over two years ago… I was brought up Catholic, and my wife converted during our courtship, so we had a wedding mass and full Sacrament of Matrimony on May 11, 2002.

I gradually developed a drug problem and fell into a deep depression which ultimately led to suicidal thoughts. I was both embarrassed and ashamed, so told nobody how I felt and gradually fell away from my Faith and the Church. My wife didn’t force the issue either. At any rate, I started to tell her that we should separate and consider divorce as I was getting more serious about harming myself and didn’t want her around if I did the unthinkable…

So, we separated in early January and continued to communicate until the end of January. I finally broke and sought both liturgical and professional counseling and have quit using drugs and the depression and suicidal thoughts are gone as well. During February, her angry girlfriends convinced her to file for divorce and her attorney got the divorce pushed through the courts without my approval &/or signature.

Am I a fool to think that my best friend will recognize my growth and want to reconcile? Or, should I start to look into the annulment process and begin the healing process? I really believe that things can be fixed, but lines of communication are currently non-existant…

BTW, I am 38, she is 32, and this was a first marriage for both of us and no children are involved.

Thanks in advance to all who might offer help or advice.
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I don’t think it would hurt to send her this in some form… if she doesn’t know “what she did wrong” she’s probably looking for closure and angry. It would do her a world of good to hear what went wrong and why. And it might repair your marriage in the meantime. And it’s probably necessary for your recovery to make amends for the hurt anyway, so it is a good thing for all three things. God be with you as you go through this.
 
One important thing to remember is that divorce does not exist in the eyes of God. A civil divorce does not mean you are actually divorced, so you are still married. Your wife may have felt she needed legal, civil, permanent separation from you. The fact that you do not sound angry and bitter about her decision, but take the responsibility yourself, makes me think she will be open to you, even it it takes time.

I agree that you should express yourself fully to your wife about how you feel. Your apology, and understanding of her grief, is important.

Remember, conversion of her heart and reagaining her trust may take years, just as your issues that led to the breakup gave many, many moments working against the solidity of your marriage vows.

My main advice: don’t give up, don’t seek an annulment. You are married still, and while be “until death do you part.” Focus on this truth, and pray and work daily to restore the full graces of your married union.
 
I don’t think you can blame angry girlfriends for your divorce – when it came down to it, your wife could depend on her friends, but not on you. I would definitely hesitate to use any of that sort of language if you are hoping to reconcile.

I truly don’t mean to sound harsh, but part of your recovery I’m sure has been taking responsibility for your actions, and your wife is responsible for hers.

You don’t say how much contact you have with your wife, or whether she is still harboring anger and resentment toward you. What I would recommend is, since I’m sure you’re probably seeing a counsellor for your addiction recovery, is inviting her to one of your sessions, with the full cooperation from your counsellor. In this way, she can see via a third-party the progress you have made, and also the role she played in getting you into treatment and into recovery – even if it was only in her anger and absence.

Good luck to you…
 
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justLaura:
I don’t think you can blame angry girlfriends for your divorce – when it came down to it, your wife could depend on her friends, but not on you. I would definitely hesitate to use any of that sort of language if you are hoping to reconcile.

I truly don’t mean to sound harsh, but part of your recovery I’m sure has been taking responsibility for your actions, and your wife is responsible for hers.

You don’t say how much contact you have with your wife, or whether she is still harboring anger and resentment toward you. What I would recommend is, since I’m sure you’re probably seeing a counsellor for your addiction recovery, is inviting her to one of your sessions, with the full cooperation from your counsellor. In this way, she can see via a third-party the progress you have made, and also the role she played in getting you into treatment and into recovery – even if it was only in her anger and absence.

Good luck to you…
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Thank you Maggie, Kelli and Laura for your kind responses. Your heartfelt love and concern is truly appreciated!!

Laura, you are correct that I shouldn’t “blame” her girlfriends, and I really don’t blame them. This is really all my fault, and I do accept 100% responsibility for my poor behavior. I just get frustrated… more for my wife than myself, knowing that she is getting mixed messages from her friends who aren’t not seeking God or practicing Christianity in any form. My wife is attending a non-denominational Protestant church that I know to at least preach a good message, so that is a plus.

Like I said, though, I feel frustrated knowing how troubling it must be to be getting mixed messages from “friends” who think they are “helping”, and from the Holy Spirit/Church Services…

As for addiction recovery, I simply took full responsibility for that shortly after we separated and I was left with just me and the drugs. Laura is right that my wife’s absence played a huge part in my ability to just make a personal decision and a vow to God to quit abusing my body and our universal Spirit. Therefore, I just quit “cold turkey” with no 12-step program, no counselor, nothing but a personal decision and committment. My focus is on growth and now that I have ended that chapter in my life, I have not felt the need to dwell on it with a counselor. So, the option of taking her to an “addiction counseling” session is not a possibility.

As for contact with my wife, we began to correspond via snail mail in early May and that lasted until Memorial Day weekend. She finally called me at 12:30am on the morning of May 29. We had (in my opionion) a great 90 minute conversation that led to an agreement to meet for Church and lunch. She cancelled the next day saying she wasn’t ready yet and a week later I got a note telling me that I never listen to her or respect her wishes and requesting that I no longer call or write. On the advice of Fr Jim at my parish, I decided to give it 3 months before trying to contact her again. I’m now 36 days into my three month “sentence”…

I know that she is hurt, scared, and angry all at the same time and that my illness was the reason for that. I’m sorry to trouble you all with this mess, but I do truly appreciate the advice and love you all have shown here towards me in this trying time.

God Bless you all.
 
To add my two cents, if you haven’t already you probably want to inform your wife of your intention to initiate no contact for three months in order to respect her need for space, to avoid any further misunderstanding. During this period, I would reinforce the need for prayer & fasting on your part for the restoration of your marriage, with the expectant faith that God wants your marriage vows to be honored. I will pray for your marriage to be restored.
Felra
 
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felra:
To add my two cents, if you haven’t already you probably want to inform your wife of your intention to initiate no contact for three months in order to respect her need for space, to avoid any further misunderstanding. During this period, I would reinforce the need for prayer & fasting on your part for the restoration of your marriage, with the expectant faith that God wants your marriage vows to be honored. I will pray for your marriage to be restored.
Felra
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Felra,

Thank you so much for your kind words and kind offer to pray for the restoration of our marriage. It is truly appreciated!!

I’m not sure how to handle your advice due to the “chicken and egg” syndrome of what you propose… My wife and sister have a good relationship still, so maybe my sis can help my wife understand that my not contacting her is out of respect for her wishes rather than apathy towards the relationship on my part.

You made a great point about trying to avoid the misunderstanding in that issue. Thanks!!
 
Dearest:

ANY and EVERY marriage IS salvagable! YES! This is God’s plan. That no one or no man put asunder what GOD has ordained. Do you want your marriage to work bad enough? Do you want to keep the children together and have a good relationship? Do you want to be an example in your circle of friends and family for YOUR marriage to work? Then sister, DO what it takes. Counseling, seeing a Priest, tackle your problems, etc. NOTHING is too large for GOD to handle. Believe me, I know. YOU can do it!

God Bless~~
 
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sparkle:
Dearest:

ANY and EVERY marriage IS salvagable! YES! This is God’s plan. That no one or no man put asunder what GOD has ordained. Do you want your marriage to work bad enough? Do you want to keep the children together and have a good relationship? Do you want to be an example in your circle of friends and family for YOUR marriage to work? Then sister, DO what it takes. Counseling, seeing a Priest, tackle your problems, etc. NOTHING is too large for GOD to handle. Believe me, I know. YOU can do it!

God Bless~~
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sparkle,

thanks for the kind words, but I’m not a “sister”… 😉

i truly hope and pray for children, but have yet to be blessed with any either… I’m really just beginning to truly understand God’s love for me, and you are certainly correct that nothing is too large for God to handle with my help.

i’m very thankful that i found a board like this where folks jump in and offer support without even really knowing what the issues are!!

Thank you so much!!

Troy
 
IM3RD,

Your wife knows that you were addicted to drugs right? It wasn’t really clear to me, or maybe, I missed a line.

In my opinion, I think your marriage is completely salvagable. But from the information you have posted, I think it is up to your wife to decide. Because she cancelled on your lunch date, and then turned around and said that she didn’t want you to contact her (sorry i forget the reason), it shows me that she may be feeling guilty for not trying to help you more, or for leaving you in the state you were in. But of course, I don’t know the whole story so maybe this the wrong take on the situation. But it seems to me that somehow you must let your wife see that you are very sorry for the things you’ve done, and also that you have changed and are ready to start all over, without pressuring her. This is a tough call but I think it is up to your wife, you’ve done all you can do for now, she needs to initiate conversation with you again and you two really need to sort this out, but by no means shoudl you end it. One thing i would do though, is show her that you do care for her still. If she feels like she let you down, show her that it doesn’t matter to you. If she feels like you let her down, show her your sorry. Does she have a birthday or any other special occasion coming up, if so, send her flowers with a simple, Happy Birthday, love (name) to show her that you are still there, but wouldn’t cross the contacting her bridge. she’ll come around.

Addiction is tough, I know, I’ve been there, just don’t let your frustration/grief, set you abck on your recovery. From personal experience, I have depression and RSHS (repetitive self-harm syndrome). That and a bad childhood got me into drugs. I was addicted to E, ephedrine (cheap E), advil/tylenol/pain killers, and alcohol, all in my second year of highschool, plus i habitually smoked pot. I quit cold turkey after recieving an ultamedum but 2 years later, after a lot of deaths in my family i turned back to drugs, grief does that, and you don’t realize it until you are to far gone again, so ALWAYS keep on guard of the choices you make and think about everythign very hard before you do it, especially now when your life is so up in the air, this is when you are the most vulnerable. Im sure you will be fine though. I’ll pray for you!!
 
As you know – I Hope! – addictions cause some serious hurt to a relationship. And you probably also know that it isn’t enough to say “I’m sorry” without some kind of act of restitution. What is that - steps 4-6?

As the divorced wife of an alcoholic who had to say “NO MORE,” I can’t encourage you to contact your wife again. Not DIRECTLY. However, through her attorney, or her pastor, you might let her know that you are truly remorseful and would like to have a chance to prove to her that you are sincere.

Frankly, her reaction may be ABSOLUTELY NOT! but I can pretty much guarantee you she’s watching out of the corner of her eye to see how you hold out for the next year or so.

Do your best – for God, not for her. Stive to be the best man you can be in all things, and trust Him to open whatever doors need to be opened when it’s His good time.

Also, it’s awfully soon. You may be a long time in finding out the damage that the addiction has done to the relationship. Keep praying, work your program, be the best man you can be.

Oh – about your divorce being “pushed through.” In NC and in many many other states, your signature is not necessary for a divorce. You are served with the Complaint (the paper that opens the court process) and you have a given amount of time (in NC, 30 days) to dispute the Suit by filing an Answer. The details should be on the Summons – the front page of what the sheriff has you sign in acceptance, or the front page of the document if it was mailed to you. After that time, the judge can grant the divorce, and you don’t even have to be in court… IF you haven’t filed an Answer.

So your wife’s girlfriends may not have done what you think they did.

God bless you!
 
If there is any way you can convince your wife to attend a Retrouvaille weekend retreat, you might find help to heal your marriage.

I’ve heard about people who were actually divorced going here and they reconcile. I have friends who went and it was a huge help. They were separated and 4 years later are still together and things are better than ever.

retrouvaille.org/

I would also ask St. Joseph and St. Monica to pray for you 👍

Peace to you,
Stephanie
 
IM3RD,

Gosh my heart goes out to you…what a difficult situation.

I have a few questions for you. First, are you under the direction of a good orthodox priest? This forum will help in many ways, I hope, by giving you good advice, encouragement, and prayers. But it definitely cannot do for you what a good priest will. You mentioned a “Fr. Jim.” Do you speak to him regularly?

Second question, do you have anyone at all who is on speaking terms with both of you? Do you have any contact with her family, or (friendly!) friends? I think it is a good idea to let her know – without your directly contacting her – that you are honoring her wishes and will give her some space. You must be so frustrated – to have that promise of meeting, only to be refused so cruelly. 😦

Third question, (and you don’t have to answer this), have you truly come to peace with why you started abusing drugs in the first place? I am very happy to hear you have dealt with it, but if you haven’t dealt with the why you are potentially setting yourself, if you do get back together with her, for a repeat situation.

To answer your initial question. Yes, your marriage is most certainly salvagable, for God can do all things! But it may take a while. That is the hard part. Pray, pray, pray. Maybe you should check out e5men.org. It is all about praying and sacrificing for your wife – which she still is, in the eyes of God.
 
First off, thanks so much raphaela, LauraL, Marys daughter, and especially jc413!!

raphaela really made my heart feel at peace yesterday, and I so appreciate that… thanks!

LauraL, thank you so much for taking an interest in my situation and responding!

Marys daughter – I have gotten that message from several now, so I think God wants me to hear it… I truly appreciate your reinforcement of it!
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jc413:
IM3RD,

Gosh my heart goes out to you…what a difficult situation.

I have a few questions for you. First, are you under the direction of a good orthodox priest? This forum will help in many ways, I hope, by giving you good advice, encouragement, and prayers. But it definitely cannot do for you what a good priest will. You mentioned a “Fr. Jim.” Do you speak to him regularly?

Second question, do you have anyone at all who is on speaking terms with both of you? Do you have any contact with her family, or (friendly!) friends? I think it is a good idea to let her know – without your directly contacting her – that you are honoring her wishes and will give her some space. You must be so frustrated – to have that promise of meeting, only to be refused so cruelly. 😦

Third question, (and you don’t have to answer this), have you truly come to peace with why you started abusing drugs in the first place? I am very happy to hear you have dealt with it, but if you haven’t dealt with the why you are potentially setting yourself, if you do get back together with her, for a repeat situation.

To answer your initial question. Yes, your marriage is most certainly salvagable, for God can do all things! But it may take a while. That is the hard part. Pray, pray, pray. Maybe you should check out e5men.org. It is all about praying and sacrificing for your wife – which she still is, in the eyes of God.
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jc413 – I do in fact stay in constant contact with Fr. Jim, for it is he whom I finally “spilled my guts” to when I hit my ‘breaking point’ with the suicidal thoughts. He is truly a blessing to both me, and our entire parish.

in answer to your second question, i am very fortunate that my sister and my wife are very good friends and still speak. her sister recently went through a divorce where her husband simply abandoned her, so i do know there is some comiserating going on there. and, yes, you are so correct that i felt very frustrated after communicating for awhile only to have the tables turn suddenly and unexpectedly.

to answer the hardest of your questions, yes, i have come to terms with why i was abusing… thanks for asking. one of my very dear friends took his own life about a month before i met my wife. we found him hanging in his closet with his wrists slashed. Couple that with the fact that the last phone call he made was to me (that I didn’t get to, by the way) so, I’ll never know if he was trying to hang on, or say goodbye. It still brings tears to my eyes to tell anybody. Little did I know at the time that anybody who commits suicide opens the door for those close to them to do the same.

i love the way you approached my situation and your kind response. I will definitely check the website you recommended and take all your advice to heart.

thanks again to all responded, not only for the responses, but most importantly for the prayers, kind thoughts and well wishes.

You are all a wonderful reflection of God’s special Love!!!

Peace,
Troy
 
Troy, you’ve recieved much good advice here. I, too will pray for you and your marriage. It’s a good sign that you have sought out this board, because I think you will find a lot of support here. Remember, our hope is in The Lord, through Whom all things are possible.

Addiction is a very heavy burden for any marriage. My husband is a recovering alcoholic, sober since 1998. We suffered much, but initially stayed together because we had kids. After many, many rosaries, novenas & holy hours, my husband had a conversion experience that led him to sobriety. We celebrated our 24th anniversary last month, and our marriage has never been better.

I hope and pray that you and your wife will find some common ground on which to rebuild your marriage. Please keep us informed. Don’t be afraid to reach out if it gets hard for you. We’re here. God bless you.

Sue
 
Troy, I am glad you were able to take some solace in my advice. Your story brought tears to my eyes…

From your post you sound as if you really are doing the best you can here. I believe if you do what the E5 men do (pray and fast for their wives) you will be doing all that you can, and you will find comfort in the fact that the future is in the Lord’s hands. God bless you.
 
Sue – I’m touched by your words and honored by your prayers for my and my beautiful bride, Sonya!! I can’t begin to express my gratitude to all in the forum who have so graciously offered words of encouragment and their heartfelt prayers… THANKS!!

Jamie – You are so wonderful. As I said, your message truly touched my heart as well, and I really appreciate that. At first, it was very difficult in my human nature to want to turn things over to God. But, I must let go of my selfish ways and maintain my faith in “God first, family second and IM3RD!!” I’ve taken a quick look at e5men.org, and am going to explore that further. That looks to be a very positive form of prayer and fasting.

Another couple contacted me through here via email, and although they chose not to continue to communicate with me, I can’t even begin to adequately profess to how they touched my heart and added to my strength to go on as God intends for me to!!!

Thank you so much Courtney and Terry if you see this!! :tiphat:

Peace to all,
troy
 
Troy,

You ARE in our minds and in our hearts!!! Your faith and love of God will get you through this and God WILL prevail, He always does! Keep praying for His will and He will continue to lift you up and bless your life in ways that you could not even imagine!

When ever faced with the decision to indulge, just say a quick prayer, God Help me know and act on your will. Trust in Him!!! He has given you so much already, a deep contagious faith, a positive attitude, a thrust for knowledge, a remarkable intellect, and most importnatly openmindness and willingness and change.

You will continue to be in our prayers and I am looking forward to seeing the power of God work through you . Can’t wait to see how your life unfolds as He is now guiding and direction your path. I am grateful for these fourms. God is busy at work!

many blessings,
Courtney
 
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foreverblessed:
Troy,

You ARE in our minds and in our hearts!!! Your faith and love of God will get you through this and God WILL prevail, He always does! Keep praying for His will and He will continue to lift you up and bless your life in ways that you could not even imagine!

When ever faced with the decision to indulge, just say a quick prayer, God Help me know and act on your will. Trust in Him!!! He has given you so much already, a deep contagious faith, a positive attitude, a thrust for knowledge, a remarkable intellect, and most importnatly openmindness and willingness and change.

You will continue to be in our prayers and I am looking forward to seeing the power of God work through you . Can’t wait to see how your life unfolds as He is now guiding and direction your path. I am grateful for these fourms. God is busy at work!

many blessings,
Courtney
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Courtney…

Thanks again for contacting me. I truly got a LOT from our email exchanges and won’t even begin to describe it all here. While I found your DH to be a bit of a ‘control-freak’ and somewhat closed minded, I really believe that you were an angel sent to me to help me better think all of this through and therefore I remain on my path of sobriety. Thank you.

You have a wonderful spirit that I can sense in your writings and a warm heart that is evidenced by the way you reached out to me. I hope you both understand as time goes on that not everything that y’all don’t understand or believe in is “bunk”. God has revealed himself in an infinite number of ways, and we musn’t count only on religion and faith in our search for Him. More and more philosophical and scientific evidence is tying together with our Christian faith and it is up to us to discern it.

God Bless you and yours… and again, many thanks for reaching out to me!!

Peace,
Troy

ps - make sure the font size above the message box is always set to “2” instead of “1”… 😉
 
There is lots of good advice here. As many already have said. Go to a priest and seek advice and counselling from him. It’s to bad in these Internet times that the good old snail mail have got out of fashion.

Sit down and write all you want to say to your wife. Keep the letter for a couple of days and read throught it several times. Tell her in the letter that you will not contact her again before she contacts you since you respect her space and decisions. The ball will now be in her part of the ballpark.

Take it from there and respect her decisions. A lot of prayer is also highly recommended.
 
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