Is Natural Family Planning ever not okay?

[xzereus]

Is it ever not okay for a couple to practice NFP? Take these three examples:

1. Jim and Ashley did not meet until their early 30s. By that time, Jim already had a job making over $90,000 a year. While there aren’t any issues preventing them from having a child, monetary or otherwise, Jim and Ashley really want to spend the first few years alone and without the distraction of a child.
2. Robert and Becky just hosted their first child’s one-year birthday party. Both of them make at least $60,000 a year, so there isn’t much blocking them from having another child. Still, Robert and Becky do not want to deal with the hassle of two children at once and would rather wait until their first born has grown a bit more.
3. Daniel and Kim just had their second child. Money isn’t an issue, but, now that they have both a boy and a girl, Daniel and Kim agree that two is plenty and decide to use NFP from now on.

I’m curious to get people’s opinions on this. If anybody has word from the Church, even better!

 

[The_Bucket]

The question I think is wrongly asked or at least wrongly phrased. Natural Family Planning in its various forms is never immoral in and of itself because it is morally neutral. It is simply a tool, like a computer for instance.

Your question is more “is using NFP to avoid conception ever wrong?” The answer to that is a definite maybe, but the only people who can know if their reasons to avoid are acceptable are the couple and God. Like anything else, we can abuse the tools available to us or we can use them properly. You can use a computer for research or you can use it for nefarious purposes. You can use NFP to space births or avoid conception indefinitely if there is sufficient reason. You could, theoretically, use it for selfish reasons too but it’s pretty hard to do so.

Do keep in mind that we’re all called to prayerfully consider whether to use NFP to avoid and if the reasons are just. I’d say it’s pretty clear-cut in scenario #2 that such a reason would probably be just. The others? I don’t know. But neither does anyone else really. It’s up to the hypothetical couples to decide if they are following through on their call to be selfless and giving in their marriage.

 

[EasterJoy]

"…*If therefore there are well-grounded reasons for spacing births, arising from the physical or psychological condition of husband or wife, or from external circumstances, the Church teaches that married people may then take advantage of the natural cycles immanent in the reproductive system and engage in marital intercourse only during those times that are infertile, thus controlling birth in a way which does not in the least offend the moral principles which We have just explained. (20)

Neither the Church nor her doctrine is inconsistent when she considers it lawful for married people to take advantage of the infertile period but condemns as always unlawful the use of means which directly prevent conception, even when the reasons given for the later practice may appear to be upright and serious. In reality, these two cases are completely different. In the former the married couple rightly use a faculty provided them by nature. In the later they obstruct the natural development of the generative process. It cannot be denied that in each case the married couple, for acceptable reasons, are both perfectly clear in their intention to avoid children and wish to make sure that none will result. But it is equally true that it is exclusively in the former case that husband and wife are ready to abstain from intercourse during the fertile period as often as for reasonable motives the birth of another child is not desirable. And when the infertile period recurs, they use their married intimacy to express their mutual love and safeguard their fidelity toward one another. In doing this they certainly give proof of a true and authentic love…

…

…The right and lawful ordering of birth demands, first of all, that spouses fully recognize and value the true blessings of family life and that they acquire complete mastery over themselves and their emotions. For if with the aid of reason and of free will they are to control their natural drives, there can be no doubt at all of the need for self-denial. Only then will the expression of love, essential to married life, conform to right order. This is especially clear in the practice of periodic continence. Self-discipline of this kind is a shining witness to the chastity of husband and wife and, far from being a hindrance to their love of one another, transforms it by giving it a more truly human character. And if this self-discipline does demand that they persevere in their purpose and efforts, it has at the same time the salutary effect of enabling husband and wife to develop to their personalities and to be enriched with spiritual blessings. For it brings to family life abundant fruits of tranquility and peace. It helps in solving difficulties of other kinds. It fosters in husband and wife thoughtfulness and loving consideration for one another. It helps them to repel inordinate self-love, which is the opposite of charity. It arouses in them a consciousness of their responsibilities. And finally, it confers upon parents a deeper and more effective influence in the education of their children. As their children grow up, they develop a right sense of values and achieve a serene and harmonious use of their mental and physical powers…"*…
Humanae Vitae

Note how the Holy Father worded this: “…arising from the physical or psychological condition of husband or wife…” The Church is recognizing that there is a degree to which this is a matter to be discerned by the husband and the wife. It is important as this conversation goes on to stress that we are talking about theoretical couples. When it comes to actual couples, it is very important that we do not allow ourselves to commit rash judgment.

Also, consider that sometimes couples are a little less than forthcoming with all the details of their private life, because, well, they are trying to keep their private life private. While it is not OK for a couple to say that they “just don’t want the distraction” when in fact one of them is battling a serious physical or mental problem or is secretly in deep fear of losing a job or has some other fear concerning the stability of their relationship or their ability to be even an acceptable parent, it is understandable that they might do so. Not all means of maintaining privacy are kosher, but we must always remember that there may be a lot more to the story than even the couples themselves are willing to admit to anyone else.

Let’s keep that in mind: That is, let us agree that in this thread we are talking about theoretical cases in order to uncover principles that might be of help to those in discernment, not giving ourselves permission to make any judgments whatsoever concerning any actual couples over whom we do not exercise a pastoral office.

Fair enough? I think so!

 

[xzereus]

The question I think is wrongly asked or at least wrongly phrased. Natural Family Planning in its various forms is never immoral in and of itself because it is morally neutral. It is simply a tool, like a computer for instance.

Your question is more “is using NFP to avoid conception ever wrong?” The answer to that is a definite maybe, but the only people who can know if their reasons to avoid are acceptable are the couple and God. Like anything else, we can abuse the tools available to us or we can use them properly. You can use a computer for research or you can use it for nefarious purposes. You can use NFP to space births or avoid conception indefinitely if there is sufficient reason. You could, theoretically, use it for selfish reasons too but it’s pretty hard to do so.

Do keep in mind that we’re all called to prayerfully consider whether to use NFP to avoid and if the reasons are just. I’d say it’s pretty clear-cut in scenario #2 that such a reason would probably be just. The others? I don’t know. But neither does anyone else really. It’s up to the hypothetical couples to decide if they are following through on their call to be selfless and giving in their marriage.

I think my question was clear enough considering you could “decipher” exactly the question I was asking. I am not asking for any blanket answers (“NFP is always wrong unless you can’t afford the child”). Rather, I’m looking for general answers (“NFP can be wrong in some cases”) and possible direct answers to the situations I posed (“Case #1 definitely sounds wrong”). Obviously, no couple will ever fit the mold of any of the 3 cases I mentioned since every situation is different, so I don’t think it would be judgmental to make claims about the situation of these three fictional couples.

What I’m really looking for through all of this is a set of criteria which must be followed in the use of NFP. Like any tool, there must be some guidelines given by the Church (officially or unofficially) which qualify when it is okay and when it is not okay. That criteria is what I am searching for.

 

[xzereus]

"…Let’s keep that in mind: That is, let us agree that in this thread we are talking about theoretical cases in order to uncover principles that might be of help to those in discernment, not giving ourselves permission to make any judgments whatsoever concerning any actual couples over whom we do not exercise a pastoral office.

Fair enough? I think so!

Absolutely! If I could edit my first post in order to insert this I would, because this is exactly the kind of discussion I am looking for. I can only hope that all posters read the first few posts carefully and take note of this.

 

[papaececi]

What I’m really looking for through all of this is a set of criteria which must be followed in the use of NFP. Like any tool, there must be some guidelines given by the Church (officially or unofficially) which qualify when it is okay and when it is not okay. That criteria is what I am searching for.

I think the “official” wording of the Church is that you must have “serious” reason to avoid conception using nfp. There was an answer on this forum by Michelle Arnold to that effect.

I don’t think the three examples you gave would constitute “serious” reasons, but I think the Church leaves this to people to sort out on their own these days, hopefully (?), in consultation with a priest??

There was a quote from JPII I think that said basically that it is a shame to deprive your children of siblings in order to provide more for them materially.

 

[EasterJoy]

Is it ever not okay for a couple to practice NFP? Take these three examples:

1. Jim and Ashley did not meet until their early 30s. By that time, Jim already had a job making over $90,000 a year. While there aren’t any issues preventing them from having a child, monetary or otherwise, Jim and Ashley really want to spend the first few years alone and without the distraction of a child.
2. Robert and Becky just hosted their first child’s one-year birthday party. Both of them make at least $60,000 a year, so there isn’t much blocking them from having another child. Still, Robert and Becky do not want to deal with the hassle of two children at once and would rather wait until their first born has grown a bit more.
3. Daniel and Kim just had their second child. Money isn’t an issue, but, now that they have both a boy and a girl, Daniel and Kim agree that two is plenty and decide to use NFP from now on.

I’m curious to get people’s opinions on this. If anybody has word from the Church, even better!

The short answer is that the reason for avoiding children needs to be “well-grounded”. As Humanae Vitae put it, to decide this rightly a couple must “fully recognize and value the true blessings of family life”. Obviously, it is not OK for a couple to avoid pregnancy according to any whim.

I’m a bit concerned to see “money isn’t an issue” over and over again in your examples. The other thing that concerns me is that we don’t know what Jim and Ashley fear a pregnancy would distract them from, we don’t know why Robert and Becky want to wait until their first born has grown more, and we don’t know why Daniel and Kim’s experience has lead them to believe “two is plenty”. We know nothing about their level of personal growth. We also don’t know if the OP is implying that this limited information is all the couple is willing to say to their family and friends, or if this truly is all the information from the couple’s standpoint. Those are very big omissions…OK for the purpose of the discussion, though, because these are just the kind of examples people throw around.

Humanae Vitae specifically states that “well-grounded” reasons may not only be the externally-obvious reasons, but may also include the “physical or psychological condition of husband or wife”. A couple may look at more than their income when they discern whether their reasons for avoiding sexual relations during fertile times are “well-grounded.”

My answer, then, is that not enough information is given. It is possible that all three have well-grounded reasons, and it is possible that if they were to examine their motives carefully, none of them do. If we were simply to hear their in-laws relating the information given, we could not come to a conclusion.

 

[The_Bucket]

What I’m really looking for through all of this is a set of criteria which must be followed in the use of NFP. Like any tool, there must be some guidelines given by the Church (officially or unofficially) which qualify when it is okay and when it is not okay. That criteria is what I am searching for.

Well as has been put forth in a number of other threads, there is no specific criteria. The Church is silent on what constitutes “serious reasons.” EasterJoy has done far better with her post above mine to explain it in great detail.

We don’t and can’t know the motives behind any of the hypotheticals just as we can’t and don’t know the motives for any of our neighbors. If you’re asking for yourself, then all any of us can say is that the Church calls us to be open to children and to prayerfully consider if we have serious or as EasterJoy put it, “well-grounded” reasons to avoid. One positive of NFP is that by its nature it is a challenge to avoid and thus makes it tougher, albeit not impossible, to use this tool for immoral reasons.

 

[Contarini]

Is it ever not okay for a couple to practice NFP? Take these three examples:

1. Jim and Ashley did not meet until their early 30s. By that time, Jim already had a job making over $90,000 a year. While there aren’t any issues preventing them from having a child, monetary or otherwise, Jim and Ashley really want to spend the first few years alone and without the distraction of a child.
2. Robert and Becky just hosted their first child’s one-year birthday party. Both of them make at least $60,000 a year, so there isn’t much blocking them from having another child. Still, Robert and Becky do not want to deal with the hassle of two children at once and would rather wait until their first born has grown a bit more.
3. Daniel and Kim just had their second child. Money isn’t an issue, but, now that they have both a boy and a girl, Daniel and Kim agree that two is plenty and decide to use NFP from now on.

I’m curious to get people’s opinions on this. If anybody has word from the Church, even better!

My own best shot at this, based on my understanding of Catholic teaching, would be that the final example would be the only one that would clearly be wrong–and that’s assuming that there are no other factors involved, like difficult pregnancy history or other health issues. 2 is surely legitimate–spacing births is clearly OK in Catholic teaching as long as natural means are used. 1 I think is also legitimate, given how important it is for the spouses to have a good foundation for child-rearing in their relationship with each other. But there could be a temptation to prolong this and keep putting off getting “entangled” with children. Certainly my wife and I look back longingly in some ways to the days when we were “free” just to live our lives together. But of course we wouldn’t actually want to go back to that situation and be without our two wonderful daughters, and the difficulties of raising children have been an important part of the maturing of our relationship as husband and wife. So I think there’s no hard-and-fast rule there, but our society so glorifies freedom and independence that I’m sure most couples are tempted to put off having children longer than is prudent (I mean “prudent” as in “conforming to the virtue of prudence,” not “serving your best material/selfish interests”).

Edwin

 

[ProdglArchitect]

So, I’m curious after reading that.

Would fear of being a poor (bad) father be a valid reason? (Note, this is genuinely hypothetical, I can’t wait to have kids ^^)

Let me expand on that. Say that you have a child, and the level or responsibility required for it sets in, and you honestly don’t know if you’re capable of it for one child, let alone two or three or more. Would that concern constitute a valid reason to practice NFP and avoid another pregnancy, especially since you are doing it because you are worried about the well-being and proper upbringing of your child?

I’ve never really heard anything on this subject and am curious about what The Church teaches on it.

 

[The_Bucket]

If it’s a well-grounded fear, then why not? I mean, if you’re being a bad father, I’d imagine God would not want you to be a bad father to more children.

Or say you suffer from serious anxiety problems that are controlled by medication and you can’t mentally deal with more children right now. That’s a serious reason right there.

If we’re truly honest with ourselves the answers will come as to whether we have serious reasons. God knows our circumstances at all times; our job is to listen to His call and pay attention to what He is telling us to do. This applies across the board and so certainly to our lives as parents and spouses.

 

[lifeisbeautiful]

To answer your title (assuming you are referring to using NFP to avoid with regards to the reasons why a couple is avoiding) yes.

To answer your examples, yes, these could be selfish reasons. Nevertheless, like others have mentioned, in real life there could be serious reasons behind the examples you have given that we are unaware of, and these couples could have unselfish reasons to avoid.

 

[EasterJoy]

What would I ask the couples, if they asked me? Well, first of all, if they said their reasons were well-grounded, I wouldn’t argue with them. I would, if asked, raise these points:

Jim and Ashley: You’re well into your 30s. You have a serious reason to pursue pregnancy, if you hope to have children of your own, because Ashley’s chances of delivering even one healthy child are declining significantly with each passing year. Be very careful that you do not assume that medical science can give a healthy pregnancy to any woman who wants one. Even for couples willing to pursue impermissible methods such as in vitro fertilization, it does not work like that.

Robert and Becky: This is just IMHO, but children of similar ages are far more able to entertain each other than children of different ages, they have more similar needs at the same time in the life of the family, and so in the long run they are less of a strain. This may not seem like much now, but even if you find that parenting takes a toll on your emotional capacity, consider that taking on more strain when you are young in order to save yourself strain in middle age could be a better way to spread your limited parental resources.

Daniel and Kim: In their case, I’d ask them to expand on what they mean by “plenty”. In these days, it seems many people have strained emotional resources and a limited network of family support, and so it is possible for a couple who initially wanted 6-8 kids to realize that even as many as three would send at least one of them over the deep end. They might not realize, however, that the difficulty of children does not rise exponentially as each new family member is added. They might want to talk with families who have three or four or more, and they especially might want to plan to revisit this decision as they go through their married life. It is not a good idea to decide “once and for all”, because one of them could have a deep change of heart, and that is something that will deserve to be heard when that time comes.

Even more to the point, for the sake of any child they might have that they don’t foresee having, I would really encourage all of these couples not to tell the whole world that they are done or that they currently do not want a child. No child deserves to come into the world with their parents having given the whole world the idea prior to their conception that they were not welcome. You may change your mind, but that won’t keep some big mouth from telling your child that the child was a “mistake”. Using NFP means that you are still open to life every time you enter into the marital embrace. Live that in all aspects of your married life, including how you talk about the prospect of a pregnancy you did not expect.

 

[ProdglArchitect]

If it’s a well-grounded fear, then why not? I mean, if you’re being a bad father, I’d imagine God would not want you to be a bad father to more children.

Or say you suffer from serious anxiety problems that are controlled by medication and you can’t mentally deal with more children right now. That’s a serious reason right there.

If we’re truly honest with ourselves the answers will come as to whether we have serious reasons. God knows our circumstances at all times; our job is to listen to His call and pay attention to what He is telling us to do. This applies across the board and so certainly to our lives as parents and spouses.

Hmm, ok. Thank you for the prompt answer ^^

 

[Joe_5859]

I think the more basic question you are getting at is this:

Are their cases where it is not morally acceptable to postpone pregnancy?

Bringing NFP into the discussion isn’t strictly necessary.

I think the answer to that question is yes. A couple needs to discern what’s best, but they certainly need to watch that they’re not avoiding children for frivolous reasons.

But of course it goes without saying that we cannot really judge another couple’s decision from our outside perspective. Perhaps Becky from case #2 has severe post-partum depression and cannot handle another child just yet. Or maybe Daniel from case #3 has a history of anxiety attacks and having another child could push him past his mental breaking point. You just never know.

 

[xzereus]

Everything that the posters have said so far I agree with. I definitely think that if these fictitious examples were actually real people there would be no way to determine whether or not these situations are okay. I appreciate everybody’s answers and their clarity in providing the assumptions that must be made in each case (e.g. we must assume there are no unspoken motives). I think that it’s fairly clear now that the Church is very, very unspecific on this issue and that couples are free to do almost anything they want to do with NFP without directly contradicting any Church teaching (though the action may still be immoral depending on the reasoning).

 

[karenado]

Is it ever not okay for a couple to practice NFP? Take these three examples:

1. Jim and Ashley did not meet until their early 30s. By that time, Jim already had a job making over $90,000 a year. While there aren’t any issues preventing them from having a child, monetary or otherwise, Jim and Ashley really want to spend the first few years alone and without the distraction of a child.
2. Robert and Becky just hosted their first child’s one-year birthday party. Both of them make at least $60,000 a year, so there isn’t much blocking them from having another child. Still, Robert and Becky do not want to deal with the hassle of two children at once and would rather wait until their first born has grown a bit more.
3. Daniel and Kim just had their second child. Money isn’t an issue, but, now that they have both a boy and a girl, Daniel and Kim agree that two is plenty and decide to use NFP from now on.

I’m curious to get people’s opinions on this. If anybody has word from the Church, even better!

I think spacing children is entirely acceptable so 2 would be fine. I would say 1 and 3 are wrong.

 

[The_Bucket]

Everything that the posters have said so far I agree with. I definitely think that if these fictitious examples were actually real people there would be no way to determine whether or not these situations are okay. I appreciate everybody’s answers and their clarity in providing the assumptions that must be made in each case (e.g. we must assume there are no unspoken motives). I think that it’s fairly clear now that the Church is very, very unspecific on this issue and that couples are free to do almost anything they want to do with NFP without directly contradicting any Church teaching (though the action may still be immoral depending on the reasoning).

That last sentence does not compute. You can’t take immoral action and be within the guidelines of the Church’s teachings. If you mean that there are no hard and fast rules for how many kids a couple should have, well then sure. But everyone’s circumstances are different; this is not relativism, this is learning to accept God’s call and that call is different for each person.

Someone who refuses to accept the call to priesthood, for example, is rejecting the Lord. If he hears it, understands God wants him to do it and says “No, I want to do something else” then that’s sinful. Same goes for those in the married life. If they see no impediments to more children but say “I don’t care, I want more STUFF and kids are a drain on getting more STUFF” then that is also sinful. The situation is different for a couple who is already struggling financially, emotionally, physically, etc and determines that their circumstances warrant avoiding. In essence they ARE listening to God’s call and His call is to persevere through their present circumstances. The Lord does not ask us to intentionally put ourselves in situations that could be physically, spiritually, emotionally or, yes, even financially harmful.

 

[Jolly_Nicholas]

That last sentence does not compute. You can’t take immoral action and be within the guidelines of the Church’s teachings. If you mean that there are no hard and fast rules for how many kids a couple should have, well then sure. But everyone’s circumstances are different; this is not relativism, this is learning to accept God’s call and that call is different for each person.

Someone who refuses to accept the call to priesthood, for example, is rejecting the Lord. If he hears it, understands God wants him to do it and says “No, I want to do something else” then that’s sinful. Same goes for those in the married life. If they see no impediments to more children but say “I don’t care, I want more STUFF and kids are a drain on getting more STUFF” then that is also sinful. The situation is different for a couple who is already struggling financially, emotionally, physically, etc and determines that their circumstances warrant avoiding. In essence they ARE listening to God’s call and His call is to persevere through their present circumstances. The Lord does not ask us to intentionally put ourselves in situations that could be physically, spiritually, emotionally or, yes, even financially harmful.

I think that he means this: while some actions may be technically wrong, those same actions may not be outside of the Church’s guidelines because the Church has not been clear cut on the issue. I don’t think he’s suggesting relativism; rather, I think he’s suggesting that not everything immoral is declared by the Church.

 

[tafan]

Is it ever not okay for a couple to practice NFP? Take these three examples:

1. Jim and Ashley did not meet until their early 30s. By that time, Jim already had a job making over $90,000 a year. While there aren’t any issues preventing them from having a child, monetary or otherwise, Jim and Ashley really want to spend the first few years alone and without the distraction of a child.
2. Robert and Becky just hosted their first child’s one-year birthday party. Both of them make at least $60,000 a year, so there isn’t much blocking them from having another child. Still, Robert and Becky do not want to deal with the hassle of two children at once and would rather wait until their first born has grown a bit more.
3. Daniel and Kim just had their second child. Money isn’t an issue, but, now that they have both a boy and a girl, Daniel and Kim agree that two is plenty and decide to use NFP from now on.

I’m curious to get people’s opinions on this. If anybody has word from the Church, even better!

Assuming one assumption: all information is included in the above descriptions, ie none of the three couples have any other reason to practise NFP except for what is described by OP

1. Jim and Ashley - definitely immoral. I cannot see anyway that simply "want to spend the first few years alone " objectively qualifies as a serious reason for NFP
2. Robert and Becky - definitely immoral. I cannot see that not “wanting the hassle of two children” is objectively a serious reason to use NFP
3. Daniel and Kim - definitely immoral. Same as above: no objectivly serious reason to use NFP.

2368 A particular aspect of this responsibility concerns the regulation of procreation. For just reasons, spouses may wish to space the births of their children. It is their duty to make certain that their desire is not motivated by selfishness but is in conformity with the generosity appropriate to responsible parenthood. Moreover, they should conform their behavior to the **objective **criteria of morality:

When it is a question of harmonizing married love with the responsible transmission of life, the morality of the behavior does not depend on sincere intention and evaluation of motives alone; but it must be determined by objective criteria, criteria drawn from the nature of the person and his acts, criteria that respect the total meaning of mutual self-giving and human procreation in the context of true love; this is possible only if the virtue of married chastity is practiced with sincerity of heart.

Most people do not think about this. Practicing NFP requires a serious reason that can be objectively determined. It is why going to see a priest before starting NFP is so important. It is hard for the couple to be objective about this. But the church requires am objective judgement.