Is One Kid Enough?

[BLB_Oregon]

That his data may be correct does not mean his conclusions are correct. I have not seen the paper, so I do not know if it is being fairly summarized. From a scientific standpoint, though, it would seem that he rushed to interpret the data without addressing the many other variables that might be in play in the population he is considering. Avoiding this mistake is why scientific conclusions sections often seem so wishy-washy. One study rarely, if ever, produces definitive new results.

He did not, for instance, compare the happiness of elderly people and then look at the size of the families that they raised.

He did not correct for what the mothers were doing to take care of themselves, which is necessary for a caregiver if they are not going to burn out.

He did not consider that the window of discontent might be relatively short: namely, those years in which the children were learning to get along with each other. It does not seem that he investigated what methods were used to ensure the children got along well with each other. In other words, parenting methods that make a single child easy at first, might make more than one child very difficult and also make the single child less fun to be around when they got older.

Other conclusions he might have drawn:
“X” parenting technique, while having few early repercussions with a single child when the child is young, works poorly when there is more than one child in the home or when the child matures to young adulthood.

Parents with more than one child need to consider “Y” or develop skill “Z” in order to have the same level of peace in their homes as they did when they only had one child.

And so on…

The paper also does not consider the relative long-term happiness of the children in these homes. I do not know any only children who do not wish that at least one sibling had been in the cards for them.

Another problem to consider is that now being faced by China: What does it do to the society as a whole when you have so many first-born and only children in it…when every person out there is and always has been the only “egg” in his parents’ “basket”? When you have a society with parents and grandparents, but no aunts and uncles? Utopia, it is not.

At any rate, it is irresponsible to draw the conclusion from such limited data that parents should stop at one child, even if you accepted that the proposition of having children to “bring joy into one’s own life” is really a realistic proposition in the first place.

 

[Black_Jaque]

Kamz,

When we as a society start to take on the attitude that “this is my family and my business” maybe this will settle down.

Read the quote in post #13 and tell me that the number of children a couple has is none of the business for the rest of society.

 

[BLB_Oregon]

Kamz,

Read the quote in post #13 and tell me that the number of children a couple has is none of the business for the rest of society.

It depends on whether you mean society should encourage or discourage childbearing or childrearing in general or whether specific people should feel entitled to take it upon themselves to butt their noses into other people’s choices.

As for me, I’d like pastors to tell me in no uncertain terms what I ought to be doing and brothers and sisters to give encouragement or else mind their own business.

In our family, we call the rule, “No Chiming In.” When one child is getting correction, the other is to remain silent unless asked for (name removed by moderator)ut. There is no “tattling” allowed except when one child has found no luck in working out problems, short of coming to blows, or when a child sees another breaking safety rules. Otherwise, we teach them to encourage each other in ways that might actually make their sibling amenable to listening to them.

Like us older “brothers and sisters”, they have no authority over each other. Those who have no authority over us should approach us differently than those who do. Yet our parents and pastors seem to realize better than we do where correction is going to help and where it is just nagging.

Truly, I think we’d hear more admonishment and direction from the priests if they didn’t know too well what a bounty we were getting from each other. Too much nagging, and a person loses heart. I think we’d be better off leaving some unchewed ear for the pastors, but perhaps that is just me.

 

[Kristen]

My husband and I have only one child, due to health reasons. As far as I know, I am able to get pregnant again but it would endanger my health. I can’t risk my life to have another child when I’ve got to stay healthy and ALIVE for the precious child I’ve already got.

Bornagain, my folks were in the same boat and that’s basically why I’m an only child. That wasn’t what they wanted, but I’m what they got. We only children who’ve posted here have taken pains to indicate that we are not criticizing those with health problems who cannot safely have more than one child. Rather, we are criticizing the mentality of our culture that one is enough, basically that it is good to choose to have one child as a token. This attitude is not right before God (see my comments below) and is unfair to the child (also see my comments about my youth below).

I think there’s a lot of prejudice toward families with only children. I read somewhere that, historically, it was considered a tragedy if people were unable to have any children or if they only had one child because it meant something was wrong with them.

I suppose that is true historically, but even in the Bible children are seen as blessings and those without children are considered in some way cursed by God. Our Lord corrected the mentality that childlessness was a punishment for sin, but He did nothing to indicate that having children was anything but a blessing. To the contrary, He went out of His way to welcome children.

It really hurt my feelings when a friend’s mother rudely informed me at a birthday party, “You won’t ever talk to an only child who didn’t hate being an only child.” I matched her bluntness by replying, “Speak for yourself. You will not find a happier, more well-adjusted child than mine.”

That was very rude and inappropriate of her. Because of my folks’ situation, I’ve always been very sensitive to such things, too. When we criticize the culture, it’s important not to make assumptions about the intentions or correctness of particular couples. Their openness to life is between them and Our Lord.

He’s seven and half years old and he is indeed, happy and well-adjusted with a heart for the Lord.

That’s great for your son and an indication that you’ve parented well. I hope this is true for me a few years down the pike with mine. As for this only child, I’ve always been socially awkward, especially around children, but my worst problems with this did not manifest until junior high. Despite my folks’ urging, I did not reach out to my peers as a girl, but in 6th grade, I rather suddenly felt alone amongst my peers and regretted it. Hopefully, this is not the track of most only children.

I don’t think you should have children just because it seems like the right thing to do or for insurance for your old age.

By the way, I have an older brother and we are not close at all–though I am not happy about it and wish to improve our relationship. Sometimes I feel like an only child myself.

As a pro-lifer, I’ve always hated economic arguments for having children, as babies are gifts from God, not money in the bank for one’s old age!

Rather, the Godly attitude is openness to God’s gift of life in the way that He chooses to give it. As Catholics, we believe that each act of marital intimacy should be both unitive and procreative, that is, that the couple should mutually self-donate and not do anything to prevent conception if God wishes it to occur. After all, who is a better judge than He whether He wishes us to have another child at any given time?! Speaking from experience, it is a real act of trust in Him, but DH and I have yet to find Him wrong!

I know of several people with strained sibling relationships, even in my own family, so I know that having brothers and sisters is not all sunshine and light. As with any other precious but scarred relationship, it must be hard to want things to be better but have reached the limit of what one party can do to fix things. I’ve said a prayer for you and your brother.

God bless you!

 

[pumpkinbeast]

Kamz,

Read the quote in post #13 and tell me that the number of children a couple has is none of the business for the rest of society.

Your family size might be society as a whole’s buisness, but that doesn’t mean your imediate neighbor has to ridicule and judge you for it. Encouraging people to not use birth control for the benefit of society and welcoming as many kids as God gives them, great! Judging families based on number of children reguardless of whether you think there should be more or less, not great.

 

[Keikiolu]

Is One Kid Enough?
Having more than one child may not add to a parent’s happiness…

health.msn.com/pregnancykids/pregnancy/articlepage.aspx?cp-documentid=100152084&GT1=9098

Ok personally I think this was a waste of Univ. of Penn money to do such a study…

Enough for what?

Since when is “parent’s happiness” the goal of a family?

That would be the Me-Me-Me idolater’s attitude, now wouldn’t it?

So once again, what is your point?

Enough for WHAT?

-E pili mau na pomaikai ia oe.

 

[kamz]

I’m all for having as many children as God calls a family to have and we should encourage that by the way we live.

But, I don’t want to sit and guess why a couple only has one child and think “gee, they are not obeying God by having one child” only to find out they wish they could have more and can’t.

I think the article is awful stuff and I totally disagree with it.

But I do feel bad for any parent who can’t have as many children as their hearts desire and still they have those who think they must be using birth control or not being open to God’s will.

I wonder how many people in my church sit and wonder when I will have more, they haven’t any idea I am incapable of having more kids even though my heart aches for more kids, but since they don’t know I can’t have more, do they sit and think I’m not being open to God’s will?

I just think we need to be more sensitive and I was merely letting the woman who posted that she can only have one that I understand how difficult it must be for her to feel she has to defend that, or that people think she is not being open to God’s will when she can’t have more children because of her health, I know I don’t care to tell everyone I meet, " I’d like to have more but I can’t physically get pregnant ever again"
that is what I meant by “it is between God, me and my husband”

I’m way off topic, but I was just trying to explain what I was posting.

I do think the one kid enough article is trash!

 

[hasikelee]

IMO, it’s not the number of kids that causes the problem; it’s the attitude.

I’d hate to have parents who view me as only a venue to actualizing their happiness.

Sheesh, whatever happened to sacrifice and love for another person, most especially your very own child(ren)?

I assume children raised by parents with this attitude have similar development disorders and security issues as those raised by the mothers who say over and over: “I wanted to abort you but couldn’t, wouldn’t, didn’t.”

 

[Kristen]

Rather, the Godly attitude is openness to God’s gift of life in the way that He chooses to give it. As Catholics, we believe that each act of marital intimacy should be both unitive and procreative, that is, that the couple should mutually self-donate and not do anything to prevent conception if God wishes it to occur. After all, who is a better judge than He whether He wishes us to have another child at any given time?! Speaking from experience, it is a real act of trust in Him, but DH and I have yet to find Him wrong!

Upon further reflection, I want to add another thought to my previous post. Regarding the situation Bornagain was discussing, that is, the approach to new life when a pregnancy would endanger the mother’s life: The Church teaches that even in this circumstance, we must be open to new life in each intimate marital act, but that using NFP to avoid pregnancy in this case is acceptable. This teaching is, of course, correct and like all acts of faith, requires trust in God. I hope that if DH and I ever need to do this, God will grant us the strength to be faithful to His teaching.

Now, in my parents’ case, they chose to surgically prevent any further pregnancies because of my Mom’s lupus (which, in the 70s, was little-known and much-feared). Neither of my parents was a very informed Catholic (in fact, my Dad had not yet converted to the Faith), but even in later years, neither of them admitted any regret of this choice. I grappled with this issue, then, very intimately, as an only child. At first, I thought that my parents did the right thing going against Church teaching (but, in those days, I also was for women’s ordination and a number of other errors – big and small – that I have long-rejected!). As an adult Catholic, I know that what my Mom and Dad did was wrong, though I know that they did not (and my surviving Mom does not) understand that this is so.

In the end, I am glad for my Mom’s sake that she did not have any children after me (though this has made me personally very sad), but I wish for their sakes that she and Dad had kept her safe the way the Church teaches, through NFP. Ironically, it is unlikley that Mom would have gotten pregnant again anyway, as their fertility problems made them childless for the dozen years of their marriage before I was born. Hence, I was a “miracle baby.”

Quite frankly (and I know I’m ranging off-topic here), I have come to believe that they had gotten used to being childless (after years of trying to get pregnant and adopt) and, deep down, they would have preferred to stay that way and keep the life they had made for themselves. Of course, they said all the right things about being thrilled with the “miracle baby,” and they did the best by me that they could (and, mostly, it was very good!), but I think that I have never been what they wanted me to be because they never really wanted me to begin with. I have been a good daughter and even a friend to them, but it was clear to me as my Dad was dying of cancer two years ago and as my Mom is fading into dementia now, that they are not proud of me and do not like me much, even though they love me. This makes me very sad, as their approval was all I ever really wanted from them. So, I am firmly resolved now a) to seek God’s approval first and teach my girls the same, and b) that my kids will know that I love them and that I am proud of the good Catholic girls they are becoming, however different they may be from me or their Daddy. However many kids we have, these are the most important things that I can give them as their Mommy.

Please keep us in your prayers.

 

[Le_Cracquere]

Kamz,

Read the quote in post #13 and tell me that the number of children a couple has is none of the business for the rest of society.

Many things have an effect on us, but are still not necessarily our business. If my neighbour is careless with his power tools, he may end up indirectly contributing in small part to higher accident-insurance rates for me, but does that mean I’ve a claim on his safety habits?

And if the number of children a couple has is really society’s business, what then? Should society do something about it? Pull an inverse China–an “[insert number]-or-more” child policy? Require the childless to provide documentation of infertility?

 

[Priscilla_Ann]

My husband and I have only one child, due to health reasons. As far as I know, I am able to get pregnant again but it would endanger my health. I can’t risk my life to have another child when I’ve got to stay healthy and ALIVE for the precious child I’ve already got.

I think there’s a lot of prejudice toward families with only children. I read somewhere that, historically, it was considered a tragedy if people were unable to have any children or if they only had one child because it meant something was wrong with them.

It really hurt my feelings when a friend’s mother rudely informed me at a birthday party, “You won’t ever talk to an only child who didn’t hate being an only child.” I matched her bluntness by replying, “Speak for yourself. You will not find a happier, more well-adjusted child than mine.”

He’s seven and half years old and he is indeed, happy and well-adjusted with a heart for the Lord.

I don’t think you should have children just because it seems like the right thing to do or for insurance for your old age.

By the way, I have an older brother and we are not close at all–though I am not happy about it and wish to improve our relationship. Sometimes I feel like an only child myself.

My husband and I are also the parents of an only child, due to my health issues. We never regretted our decision. We were thankful for the blessing of our son, and the fact that I was able to remain healthy enough to be a good parent. Neither my husband nor I had a burning desire for another child. Our son is now 23 years old and is a happy, successful, well-adjusted young man, with many close personal relationships.

Like you, I don’t think you should have children just to have them take care of you when you are old. I know people who have large families, but none of the children live close, or the family is simply not emotionally close. There are no guarantees in life.

The decision about how many children to have is between God and a husband and wife. It is of no concern to anyone else.

 

[dwc]

The decision about how many children to have is between God and a husband and wife. It is of no concern to anyone else.

Exactly. There is absolutely no difference between people who make disrespectful judgments about large families based on their personal beliefs (environmentalism, overpopulation, etc.) and those who make disrespectful judgments about people with one or two children based on what they think they know about other couples (which is almost nothing).

I wonder how many people in my church sit and wonder when I will have more, they haven’t any idea I am incapable of having more kids even though my heart aches for more kids, but since they don’t know I can’t have more, do they sit and think I’m not being open to God’s will?

I think it is incredibly sad that a Catholic would sit in church and wonder if her fellow parishoners were judging her. Kamz, although there might be some who do sit in judgment of you, ignorantly assuming they know what’s going on in your life or your heart, I truly believe (hope) that most people in church are preoccupied with the mass and prayers and are not wondering anything about the number of children you have.

 

[kamz]

Exactly. There is absolutely no difference between people who make disrespectful judgments about large families based on their personal beliefs (environmentalism, overpopulation, etc.) and those who make disrespectful judgments about people with one or two children based on what they think they know about other couples (which is almost nothing).

I think it is incredibly sad that a Catholic would sit in church and wonder if her fellow parishoners were judging her. Kamz, although there might be some who do sit in judgment of you, ignorantly assuming they know what’s going on in your life or your heart, I truly believe (hope) that most people in church are preoccupied with the mass and prayers and are not wondering anything about the number of children you have.

thank you, I keep telling myself that but sometimes it is so hard, my heart aches knowing I will never have another child and it has really given me insight to how insensitive society can be, to large and to small families. I wish we could just be Pro Family and not so conncected with a number, I know I used to be guilty of that, I used to think that if you were a really good Catholic you had lots of kids, so when I couldn’t have more I felt like now I could never be a good enough Catholic, I know that is crazy but it actually did go through my mind and in speaking with other mom’s in a bible study group at my parish I found several who said that deep down they too have felt that same feeling. And I started thinking if I felt that with four kids how about the mother with one or none etc.

 

[sanctamaria17]

I agree. I hate it when people judge others for how many kids they have. I tell my friends I want at least three but would love to have more, like five or six (I used to say I wanted ten kids) and they would say how wild I was going to be. I laugh, because I know they’re joking but it is a bit embarrassing, that they’d make comments about my future sex life like that. I also hate the rude comments many people get for either only having one or two or for having five or six. My mom’s best friend has five kids and my boyfriend’s mom has six kids and they are excellent mothers. On the other hand, my brother’s friends are twin brothers and they’re all each other has and their mom is a wonderful mom. You don’t know if the mom with two children only wants two or if she’s praying for that third baby. Let’s not say how many kids a woman should have, let’s celebrate God’s wondrous gift of children.

 

[maria29]

Enough for what?

Since when is “parent’s happiness” the goal of a family?

That would be the Me-Me-Me idolater’s attitude, now wouldn’t it?

So once again, what is your point?

Enough for WHAT?

-E pili mau na pomaikai ia oe.

Actually i was just qouting the name of the article…if you had read my post further you’d have seen that i don’t agree with it

 

[Norseman82]

What did China fund this study? For a couple, it would be best to have one male child, for the most gain of happiness for a couple. It didn’t matter so much for the mother, but it did for the father, so I conclude that the biggest happiness gain for the family is to have one son.

Good greif! Those that try to chase happiness are those that tend to never be able to have it. I’m sure the most happiness one can gain, is not actually from trying to be happy, but from the result of doing something well.

I caught the end of a Jack Wilke (sp?) pro-life minute in which he mentioned that because of that situation (most children being males), when these males grow up there will be societal problems resulting from a large number of males not being able to find wives. That’s right - males not being able to find wives is a societal problem.

 

[LeahInancsi]

This only child of an only child say “NO”.

My mother planned to have at least two or none at all. Sometimes things don’t go the way you plan. My father (one of four) didn’t want anymore children.

One is not enough for many reasons. The most immediate on my mind is the fact that when my mother dies, I will have no living relatives. None. I don’t know my father’s living relatives and my mother has none.

 

[argon091076]

I don’t even need to read the article to answer this one!

As an only child rendered such by parents who could not have another child for grave health reasons, I can say that no child should be an only child by design! I had a good childhood in a lot of ways (complete with several “sisters” as friends) – and I never held my siblinglessness against my folks, of course – but I know that there has always been someone missing: my brother(s)/sister(s). So, as one who knows from experience, please do not *choose *to deprive your child of the joys and challenges of loving brothers and sisters.

Kristen, I am with you! I am an only child, too. My parents did not chose for it to be this way. My mother could not have any more children. Although I had a great childhood, but like you, I still feel that there was, indeed, something missing.

If you can have more children, do not deprive your child from a sibling.

 

[argon091076]

This only child of an only child say “NO”.

My mother planned to have at least two or none at all. Sometimes things don’t go the way you plan. My father (one of four) didn’t want anymore children.

One is not enough for many reasons. The most immediate on my mind is the fact that when my mother dies, I will have no living relatives. None. I don’t know my father’s living relatives and my mother has none.

I will be in this situation

 

[Norseman82]

I will be in this situation

I’m hoping to avoid this situation…