Is online dating advisable?

[ComputerGeek25]

If by “results” you mean people have entered good marriages, then yes, there have been success stories.

My own opinion? I believe God wants a lot of the people on dating sites to serve him longer in the single life. I believe God has partners out there for them five years down the road, but because they want to marry now, they find partners that, although good, would not be as much of a blessing for them had they waited.

Maybe so. Interesting take on it though.

I have a couple of queries for you:

What if, after much discernment (i.e. prayer, spirtual direction, etc.) you feel a “calling” or “readyness” to date/court/marry? What then?

While you are looking for someone, why can’t you still be serving the Lord? I don’t see this as mutually exclusive.

Do you believe love is an act of the will? Didn’t God tell Moses that the reason for divorce was the hardening of the heart?

Do you believe there is one person (or a small number of people) that’s the best fit?

(I personally don’t prescribe that there is one person only for me. I believe if one doesn’t let their heart harden they can make it work with many people)

Jason Evert did not internet date, but he did have three girlfriends before he met Crystalina. They all did not work out for various reasons - mainly because he was anxious to get married and trying to make it work at a time when he was just not ready (mainly financially and with him still in school). And Jason is so glad he waited! He is so glad that none of his previous relationships worked out! Had he married those girls, they would have been good marriages too - Jason has good taste in women. However, when you look at him and Crystalina - Wow! What a providential meeting and what a perfect couple.

I could have got married years ago. It would have been a good match. However, God had an even better plan in mind.

I think you’re mixing up online dating with the discernment of marriage.

I agree there are better times where one is better disposed for marriage.

But, I think the assumption for this thread is “Ok, you think you are ready for marriage, how do you find someone?”

 

[ComputerGeek25]

For me, it’s not a matter of being online. It’s a matter of online dating, spouse hunting. Does God expect us to spouse hunt?

I think, to some extent, yes.

 

[Michael_Saint]

I agree.

It is not healthy, nor the right attitude, to obsess over everything.

But, I think a good balance of putting yourself out there, praying about it, and then letting the chips fall where they may is the way to go. You have to seek something out in order to find it.

Where I don’t agree with the OP is that online dating or “spouse searching” is a bad thing.

Ah, I think we are reaching common ground, Mr. Geek25.

Until recently, I was absolutely against it for the reasons I outlined. However, a friend and I had a debate over it one day, and she made some excellent points.

I am now more open to it, but I personally do not think it is the way God in general intends us to go. Although I myself have not discerned internet dating as an option for me, I can see how some might, through prayer and discernment, wisely choose to do so.

 

[kelvinf]

Kelvin,

I’m going to go back to your original arguement and point out where I, and others may have issues.

You don’t recommend looking for friends, either? You must be awfully lonely, then?

What are you feelings on social events sponsered by churches? What about various clubs or hobby groups? Those must be bad too, right? I guess posing here on CAF is a no-no as well? There are many different ways to meet people and develop relationships.

I can identify with developing a good friendship before marriage. No arguement here.

This is a concern.

The goal of online dating is to get people to eventually meet you in person. I advise people to meet as soon as they are comfortable.

Also, it should be noted that this is a problem in other areas as well. Such as in business when dealing with co-workers and clients. But, my company will not take away my email. Instead, they are trying to foster a more collaborative environment, and help out with communication training.

Even if you meet people in real life, they tend to hide their personal faults/information from you at first. This is not unique to online dating.

This is why I advocate meeting someone as soon as possible

Again, this is not unique to people you meet online.

I’ve met people at church or young adult catholic groups who act all pious, but you do not want to know what they were doing the night before.

Jason Everet does not speak for the Church (even though he has made some good contributions) and I find some of his logic faulty in this area.

You are trying to defeat other people’s opinions which is very unnecessary. At least we have one theologian on our side. If you don’t agree with him, fine.
Your arguments are just your personal opinions which I respect.

 

[kelvinf]

Of course there may be better ways.

However, you can’t argue with the success that many have had with online dating. How can you argue wth results?

The end does not justify the means

 

[ComputerGeek25]

Ah, I think we are reaching common ground, Mr. Geek25.

Until recently, I was absolutely against it for the reasons I outlined. However, a friend and I had a debate over it one day, and she made some excellent points.

I am now more open to it, but I personally do not think it is the way God in general intends us to go. Although I myself have not discerned internet dating as an option for me, I can see how some might, through prayer and discernment, wisely choose to do so.

Glad we could find some common ground.

The only bone to pick is how do we know God is against it? I could see some very real-life applications why he may be happy with it. I mean the Pope now gets text messages, And I think the Vatican has been very much for the Internet, especially as an evangelizing tool.

 

[ComputerGeek25]

You are trying to defeat other people’s opinions which is very unnecessary. At least we have one theologian on our side. If you don’t agree with him, fine.
Your arguments are just your personal opinions which I respect.

Unnessary? I apologize if you are offended - didn’t mean it that way.

I’m asking some valid questions of your positon.

 

[kelvinf]

I agree.

It is not healthy, nor the right attitude, to obsess over everything.

But, I think a good balance of putting yourself out there, praying about it, and then letting the chips fall where they may is the way to go. You have to seek something out in order to find it.

Where I don’t agree with the OP is that online dating or “spouse searching” is a bad thing.

Let’s be careful. Nowhere have I said that online dating or spouse hunting is a bad think. I wouldn’t recommend online dating and I doubt whether God expects us to spouse hunt

 

[ComputerGeek25]

The end does not justify the means

Why?

Using the Internet to find ones spouse is not immorral. It is a neutral action. Can you point me to a papal encyclical, CCC paragraph, bible verse or canon law that definitively says that “spouse searching” is immoral?

There are many approaches to find a spouse.

I believe “the ends justify the means” only applies to a good end using immoral means.

 

[kelvinf]

Unnessary? I apologize if you are offended - didn’t mean it that way.

I’m asking some valid questions of your positon.

Oh I am not offended. This thread is to seek others opinions. You have been questioning mine and it’s not an issue for me. By unnecessary, I mean I am not going to change my opinion.

 

[ComputerGeek25]

Let’s be careful. Nowhere have I said that online dating or spouse hunting is a bad think. I wouldn’t recommend online dating and I doubt whether God expects us to spouse hunt

Then why present it in such a negative light?

 

[missyfatcat]

Let’s be careful. Nowhere have I said that online dating or spouse hunting is a bad think. I wouldn’t recommend online dating and I doubt whether God expects us to spouse hunt

aren’t there people mentioned in the bible who were seeking a wife?

 

[kelvinf]

Why?

Using the Internet to find ones spouse is not immorral. It is a neutral action. Can you point me to a papal encyclical, CCC paragraph, bible verse or canon law that definitively says that “spouse searching” is immoral?

There are many approaches to find a spouse.

I believe “the ends justify the means” only applies to a good end using immoral means.

Note that morality is based on:

1. Object
2. Intention
3. Circumstance.

Only individuals can judge for themselves whether their online dating is immoral.

This is a question for the other thread where I questioned the morality of spouse hunting.

 

[ComputerGeek25]

Oh I am not offended. This thread is to seek others opinions. You have been questioning mine and it’s not an issue for me. By unnecessary, I mean I am not going to change my opinion.

You’re entitled to an opinion.

There are some things with your stance, though, that didn’t make sense to me, at least.

I think in this arena, there is a wide latitude for agreement. However, when advising people, you have to be careful not to pass your opinion off as official church teaching (In this case, online dating is permissable when done morally).

 

[ComputerGeek25]

Note that morality is based on:

1. Object
2. Intention
3. Circumstance.

Only individuals can judge for themselves whether their online dating is immoral.

This is a question for the other thread where I questioned the morality of spouse hunting.

I don’t think this is quite right. This is the definition of a mortal sin.

Looking for a spouse isn’t grave matter - Unless you can point me to an explicit commandment, bible verse, CCC paragraph, Canon Law paragraph, or papal encyclical.

 

[Michael_Saint]

I argued against your definition of divine providence saying that means God has one person chosen. If that is so, then marriage is no longer a choice or free will in picking the person, nor is the vocation a choice. The church teaches the opposite. So your argument against online dating falls through.

Please read the rest of my posts - they will clear up the misunderstandings.

 

[kelvinf]

Then why present it in such a negative light?

Really? is that how I have been presenting it?

Anyway, I have some other reasons.
When I went through some of the posts on this family section, I noticed a lot of despair, desperation and probably lack of faith. I read a thread where someone suggested that he/she would even go against church teaching in order to get into a relationship.

There have even been suggestions of coercion (from parents). This would lead to an invalid marriage.

Notwithstanding, I am simply putting forward my personal opinions just as I expect others to do the same.

 

[Michael_Saint]

And if someone’s daily life happens to involve a run through Gnomeregan on that day, they very well may meet someone who they end up talking to and later marry.

I’ve made many a friends on the computer. But if it’s not part of your daily life, then so be it I guess…

And if online interaction is a substantial part of your daily life, I would say that that is a problem.

Even one hour a day of online interaction is too much. I ought to know - I’ve been doing it the last three days. Big fat hypocrite - yep, I admit it. But that doesn’t change the fact that it is not healthy.

Dang, come to think of it, I could have met my future wife by now. Why have I wasted all this time piddling about on the Catholic Answers forum when I could have set up a profile on Ave Maria Singles.

 

[ComputerGeek25]

Really, is that how I have been presenting it?

Yes. Look at post #4 for example.

You don’t examine the pro’s online dating.

There are both pros and cons of online dating.

While your concerns are valid, there are ways to make them less of an issue.

Anyway, I have some other reasons.
When I went through some of the posts on this family section, I noticed a lot of despair, desperation and probably lack of faith. I read a thread where someone suggested that he/she would even go against church law in order to get into a relationship.

Well, people desire companionship. They feel despair because they would like it.

At face value, if someone encourages someone else to go against Church law, then that is scandal. The person giving bad advice would be at fault for the wrongdoing. However, I would need to see this thread.

There have even been suggestions of coercion (from parents). This would lead to an invalid marriage.

It may be invalid. But again I would need to see the facts.

Notwithstanding, I am simply putting forward my personal opinions just as I expect others to do the same.

 

[kelvinf]

I don’t think this is quite right. This is the definition of a mortal sin.

What’s not quite right?

1857 For a sin to be mortal, three conditions must together be met: "Mortal sin is sin whose object is grave matter and which is also committed with full knowledge and deliberate consent.

1750 The morality of human acts depends on:

• the object chosen;
• the end in view or the intention;
• the circumstances of the action.
  The object, the intention, and the circumstances make up the “sources,” or constitutive elements, of the morality of human acts.

etc

Again, the other thread was created so that the morality of spouse hunting could be discussed there