Is our marriage following church teachings?

[Valley_Lily]

Good evening everyone.

I’m a fairly newly wed, about 2 years, and I have a question about how me and my husband work our relations and household.

I’m the subordinate type. I’m no leader. I’m strong, smart, and capable, but I feel most in control when I’m not the one in charge. Finances, taxes, home improvements, I don’t have a mind for it. So straight from the start, my husband and I feel naturally into a relationship that’s very old-fashioned. He’s in his element being in charge, and I in mine following willfully. That’s not to say I don’t have an opinion, and voice it LOUDLY, of course But in most cases that aren’t major, it’s my husband who makes the choices (large things, such as buying a house, moving, children, those are completely different matters)

I enjoy conceding small areas to my husband, and he’s grateful for the trust I show in him, and is always very careful in how he shows it. However, I’m worried that the way we have our marriage set up may not be greatly approved by the church. What I’ve read recently, and a few reccent comments on this forum say that no decision should be made by just the husband, but an equal choice. I’ve read that our marriage may be contrary to God’s design of “equality”, and this bothers me. It isn’t that my husband is controlling, or that he makes important decisions without me, just that i trust him to make decisions involving the household and trivilaties, and find his self-assurance and confidence rather a turn on actually

I love following little suggestions from him. If he asks me to wear a certain blouse he finds beautiful on me, I’m more than happy to do so, and more than happy to follow his other preferences in most areas. I don’t feel that we’re unequal, just equal in different ways. In fact, I always felt that this kind of relationship was natural. Different genders, different strengths, different roles, equal importance and capabilities.

But now I have to wonder; is my husband being the man of the house contrary to mutual submission?

 

[prodigalson12]

Do you have a sister.

Nothing at all wrong with how you have things, if you both are happy, sounds like you have good synergy going on, also sounds like he’s making good decisions and you appreciate how he’s doing things. Why would there be any problems from the church on it? We do indeed have different rolls, both strong in their own areas, nothing at all wrong with something that works and both are happy. Some guys like to make all of the decisions, some of us hate having to be handling all of the details when we have a spouse that’s capable of helping in herself.

You sound like you have a blessed relationship, good job and thank the Lord!!!

 

[shondrea]

Fishing for a date, Prod?

More importantly…does your husband have a brother?

I don’t see anything wrong with it, OP. Each and every marriage is different. If you being the decision maker would put a strain on the marriage, then of COURSE it’s better for you to consent some more responsibilities to your husband.

In terms of catholic teachings on submission and equality, I think it means more like, the husband shouldn’t be domineering. He doesn’t have the right to own his wife. He does, however, have a place as family head, lead by scripture and not by a power trip.

if a wife feels more natural in submission, and her husband is responsible and makes decisions based on the beat of his family, it can only strengthen a marriage to play to those roles.

 

[Peggy_in_Burien]

Good evening everyone.

I’m a fairly newly wed, about 2 years, and I have a question about how me and my husband work our relations and household.

I’m the subordinate type. I’m no leader. I’m strong, smart, and capable, but I feel most in control when I’m not the one in charge. Finances, taxes, home improvements, I don’t have a mind for it. So straight from the start, my husband and I feel naturally into a relationship that’s very old-fashioned. He’s in his element being in charge, and I in mine following willfully. That’s not to say I don’t have an opinion, and voice it LOUDLY, of course But in most cases that aren’t major, it’s my husband who makes the choices (large things, such as buying a house, moving, children, those are completely different matters)

I enjoy conceding small areas to my husband, and he’s grateful for the trust I show in him, and is always very careful in how he shows it. However, I’m worried that the way we have our marriage set up may not be greatly approved by the church. What I’ve read recently, and a few reccent comments on this forum say that no decision should be made by just the husband, but an equal choice. I’ve read that our marriage may be contrary to God’s design of “equality”, and this bothers me. It isn’t that my husband is controlling, or that he makes important decisions without me, just that i trust him to make decisions involving the household and trivilaties, and find his self-assurance and confidence rather a turn on actually

I love following little suggestions from him. If he asks me to wear a certain blouse he finds beautiful on me, I’m more than happy to do so, and more than happy to follow his other preferences in most areas. I don’t feel that we’re unequal, just equal in different ways. In fact, I always felt that this kind of relationship was natural. Different genders, different strengths, different roles, equal importance and capabilities.

But now I have to wonder; is my husband being the man of the house contrary to mutual submission?

Just speaking as an ordinary layperson and Catholic woman:

If you are happy and your husband is happy in the way you relate to each other, then just keep doing what you are. If you are not violating Church laws concerning matters of morals (as in using artificial birth control, or some such thing) then do not worry.

I have never read anywhere that the Church requires us to follow rules of “equality” by today’s ever changing standards. You promised each other to love, honor, obey, cherish, and forsake all others, keeping to each other in sickness and health, rich or poor, until death do you part. The rest is just opinions of other people who are not in your marriage.

My daughter and her husband are in a very traditional, old fashioned marriage, and I have never seen a pair more happy and suited to each other. Both of them thrive in this marriage. My daughter is the mom at home with four little kids, and he is the Air Force Captain, overseas fighting the war. She has to take charge of things when he is not home, and he knows he can depend on her good sense to handle the job. She knows that he is her rock upon whom she can depend for common sense and good judgement.

Together, they make a considerable unit. I am betting that you and your husband complement each other is the same way, making a considerable family unit, that will stand like the Rock of Gibralter against all turbulence.

Depend on God in all things, and keep Him in the center of your marriage. Continue to relate to each other in the way that works for you and keeps you happy, and let the rest of the world and its opinions go hang.

My 2 cents.

 

[Ron_Conte]

The idea of mutual submission, in which the husband is not the head of the family and of his wife, is a distortion of doctrine. This version of equality is from secular society, not from the teaching of the Church.

In Church teaching, the husband and wife are equal by nature, but have different roles; and the role of the wife is subordinate. We each have the same human nature, and so we are all equal in that sense. But we each have different roles in the Church, the family, and society, and so we are not equal in that sense.

This was taught by Pope Pius XI:

1. Domestic society being confirmed, therefore, by this bond of love, there should flourish in it that “order of love,” as St. Augustine calls it. This order includes both the primacy of the husband with regard to the wife and children, the ready subjection of the wife and her willing obedience, which the Apostle commends in these words: “Let women be subject to their husbands as to the Lord, because the husband is the head of the wife, and Christ is the head of the Church.”[29]
2. This subjection, however, does not deny or take away the liberty which fully belongs to the woman both in view of her dignity as a human person, and in view of her most noble office as wife and mother and companion; nor does it bid her obey her husband’s every request if not in harmony with right reason or with the dignity due to wife; nor, in fine, does it imply that the wife should be put on a level with those persons who in law are called minors, to whom it is not customary to allow free exercise of their rights on account of their lack of mature judgment, or of their ignorance of human affairs. But it forbids that exaggerated liberty which cares not for the good of the family; it forbids that in this body which is the family, the heart be separated from the head to the great detriment of the whole body and the proximate danger of ruin. For if the man is the head, the woman is the heart, and as he occupies the chief place in ruling, so she may and ought to claim for herself the chief place in love.
3. Again, this subjection of wife to husband in its degree and manner may vary according to the different conditions of persons, place and time. In fact, if the husband neglect his duty, it falls to the wife to take his place in directing the family. But the structure of the family and its fundamental law, established and confirmed by God, must always and everywhere be maintained intact .

It is also clearly taught by Sacred Scripture:

[Ephesians]
{5:21} Be subject to one another in the fear of Christ.

There are different roles and different types of subjection in the Church, the family, and society. We are each subject to the Pope, to the local Bishop, to secular leaders, etc. All of this subjection is under Christ.

{5:22} Wives should be submissive to their husbands, as to the Lord.

In the family, the wife is subject to her husband. The above verse on being subject to one another is speaking in general, since there are many types and degrees of subjection. But now this verse considers subjection in the family. It is not mutual; the wife should be submissive to her husband, and the husband should not be submissive to his wife – otherwise, he could not act as the head of the family.

{5:23} For the husband is the head of the wife, just as Christ is the head of the Church. He is the Savior of his body.
{5:24} Therefore, just as the Church is subject to Christ, so also should wives be subject to their husbands in all things.
{5:25} Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the Church and handed himself over for her,
{5:26} so that he might sanctify her, washing her clean by water and the Word of life,
{5:27} so that he might offer her to himself as a glorious Church, not having any spot or wrinkle or any such thing, so that she would be holy and immaculate.
{5:28} So, too, husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.
{5:29} For no man has ever hated his own flesh, but instead he nourishes and cherishes it, as Christ also does to the Church.
{5:30} For we are a part of his body, of his flesh and of his bones.
{5:31} “For this reason, a man shall leave behind his father and mother, and he shall cling to his wife; and the two shall be as one flesh.”
{5:32} This is a great Sacrament. And I am speaking in Christ and in the Church.
{5:33} Yet truly, each and every one of you should love his wife as himself. And a wife should fear her husband.

This fear of a wife for her husband is not the emotion of fear, but ‘fear’ in the sense of the fear of Christ (verse 21 above), fear in the sense of respect for someone in authority.

 

[puzzleannie]

you successfully demonstrates both dimensions of this scripture, wifely submission, and husbandly love and service.

don’t take thread discussions that refer to abusive or unhealthy situations as a critique of the biblical teaching, or still less as authoritative statement of Catholic doctrine.

as newly weds you would do well to ignore general advice that does not apply to you, and discourage well meaning advice intended for you unless and until you ask for it, that goes for your in-laws as well as others who know you

there are some areas of marriage that do require joint discussion and decision making, child-rearing, finances, where to live, for example, and it is not healthy for one partner to adopt a child-like irresponsible attitude and call it “submission” but just because some people have trouble striking the balance does not negate the scriptural truth that somebody has to be head of the family and that is the husband. Nor does it negate all that scripture says about what headship entails, commitment, fidelity, loving service, self-sacrifice.

 

[Seatuck]

Good evening everyone.

I’m a fairly newly wed, about 2 years, and I have a question about how me and my husband work our relations and household.

I’m the subordinate type. I’m no leader. I’m strong, smart, and capable, but I feel most in control when I’m not the one in charge. Finances, taxes, home improvements, I don’t have a mind for it. So straight from the start, my husband and I feel naturally into a relationship that’s very old-fashioned. He’s in his element being in charge, and I in mine following willfully. That’s not to say I don’t have an opinion, and voice it LOUDLY, of course But in most cases that aren’t major, it’s my husband who makes the choices (large things, such as buying a house, moving, children, those are completely different matters)

I enjoy conceding small areas to my husband, and he’s grateful for the trust I show in him, and is always very careful in how he shows it. However, I’m worried that the way we have our marriage set up may not be greatly approved by the church. What I’ve read recently, and a few reccent comments on this forum say that no decision should be made by just the husband, but an equal choice. I’ve read that our marriage may be contrary to God’s design of “equality”, and this bothers me. It isn’t that my husband is controlling, or that he makes important decisions without me, just that i trust him to make decisions involving the household and trivilaties, and find his self-assurance and confidence rather a turn on actually

I love following little suggestions from him. If he asks me to wear a certain blouse he finds beautiful on me, I’m more than happy to do so, and more than happy to follow his other preferences in most areas. I don’t feel that we’re unequal, just equal in different ways. In fact, I always felt that this kind of relationship was natural. Different genders, different strengths, different roles, equal importance and capabilities.

But now I have to wonder; is my husband being the man of the house contrary to mutual submission?

Sounds good to me.

 

[Bookcat]

Good evening everyone.

I’m a fairly newly wed, about 2 years, and I have a question about how me and my husband work our relations and household.

I’m the subordinate type. I’m no leader. I’m strong, smart, and capable, but I feel most in control when I’m not the one in charge. Finances, taxes, home improvements, I don’t have a mind for it. So straight from the start, my husband and I feel naturally into a relationship that’s very old-fashioned. He’s in his element being in charge, and I in mine following willfully. That’s not to say I don’t have an opinion, and voice it LOUDLY, of course But in most cases that aren’t major, it’s my husband who makes the choices (large things, such as buying a house, moving, children, those are completely different matters)

I enjoy conceding small areas to my husband, and he’s grateful for the trust I show in him, and is always very careful in how he shows it. However, I’m worried that the way we have our marriage set up may not be greatly approved by the church. What I’ve read recently, and a few reccent comments on this forum say that no decision should be made by just the husband, but an equal choice. I’ve read that our marriage may be contrary to God’s design of “equality”, and this bothers me. It isn’t that my husband is controlling, or that he makes important decisions without me, just that i trust him to make decisions involving the household and trivilaties, and find his self-assurance and confidence rather a turn on actually

I love following little suggestions from him. If he asks me to wear a certain blouse he finds beautiful on me, I’m more than happy to do so, and more than happy to follow his other preferences in most areas. I don’t feel that we’re unequal, just equal in different ways. In fact, I always felt that this kind of relationship was natural. Different genders, different strengths, different roles, equal importance and capabilities.

But now I have to wonder; is my husband being the man of the house contrary to mutual submission?

From what you write…you are very much within the teachings of the Church and thus of course of St. Paul and St. Peter…etc…

there is a mutual submissiveness among Christians and thus in marriage as there is equality…

but there is still a head of the Church and a head of the Family…

as there is a heart!

equal in dignity and different in roles etc…

that being said…while there is always the husband as the head and the wife as the heart …different families can work things out differently in some practical areas…for example my wife handles the budget in our family…pays the bills etc…she is good at that. Certain decisions she makes with out me etc…and vice versa…

(I will add for your peace that my wife and I both have degrees in Catholic Theology …mine from Steubenville…and we studied these very issue a good deal during our engagement…)

so no worries

 

[kage_ar]

You sound like newlyweds.

When your marriage begins to mature, it is important that you do learn to make decisions and to be involved in the “business” of your marriage. Like it or not, if something were to happen to your husband and he became ill or incapacitated or even dead, you need to be able to function on your own two feet.