Is our marriage ok?

[another_seeker]

I come to ask this after reading some of Michelle Arnold’s apologist questions; they helped to set my mind at ease a bit, but I would still enjoy the (name removed by moderator)ut of others.

I am not “in love” with my husband. I married him for romantic love very quckly and far too young, I now believe, but I do love him. I want him to be happy, I want to make a pleasant home for him, I want him to be the best man he can be, and be a Godly man.

We enjoy each other’s company just fine, although we don’t enjoy many hobbies together. We like a nice dinner I make sometimes, or a good movie. He’s a mucisian by hobby, and I enjoy watching him play. However, aside from that, our greatest interests and what we most love to do are not what the other likes to do. I find I much prefer to companionship of my girlfriends, as all of my hobbies and points of interest are excedingly feminine, while he often prefers spending time solo.

We are open to children long term, although our situation is such right now that we are practicing NFP.

I feel on and off that something is “wrong” with me, for how our marriage works. I was a little comforted by a few AAA answers that spoke of how yes, one can have a valid marriage even if romantic love is not a factor. And I do think I would like to work on becomign closer to my husband, especially once we consider bringing children into the world, but as of now…is how we live our marriage Christian? We love each other in the way that we wish the best for each other, and would do anything to help the other be the happiest, holiest person they can, but we share few common interests, and often prefer the company of our family and friends over each others. If it works for us, is it our own gosh darn bussiness, or is this inherintly immoral?

 

[moon1234]

Immoral? No, of course not.

Romatic love fades over time with sparks here and there. True love is NOT romatic love. True love is the self giving for that of your spouse. MANY couples feel as you do at one point or another in their marraige.

When you are young, this may be amplified more if you do not have any kids. The “Ohh **** I don’t have these “feelings” for this guy any more and now I am stuck with him” syndrome. We ALL, with few exceptions, go through this at one point or another.

Have you talked about this at all with him? It may be scary, but sometimes talking will help to bring you closer. Unless you have known each other for a VERY long time and already know everything about him from birth to now, it is an easy way to bring you two closer.

I would suggest that unless you have really serious issues, you should really not try to avoid children. Children are the glue that cements a marraige, at least for many people. It is very RARE that both husband and wife will enjoy the same activities. Usually we are pulled into the other persons hobbies because we want to be with them.

I like to grow things. It is now up to small farm size. My wife really didn’t care too much for it, but she helps with what she likes to do. She will pick things, price them, sell them, but wants nothing to do with the planning, planting, growing, etc. Does that mean we don’t have the same hobbies, etc.? No. She likes to cloth diaper and knows all manner of things and talks about them with her friends. To me they are butt covers that go in the washer. I don’t feel left out of her hobby and don’t think it detracts from our marraige.

Having a good sex life will also help to keep both of you together more romatically. Don’t let hobbies, jobs, etc. get in the way of love time. You need to WORK to keep yourselves happy. Make sure to pray together too. It is an amazing bnding tool that will constantly remind you that two are there for each other.

So in summation, the lack of “romatic” love does not mean your marraige is over, it just means that you are now growing in TRUE love for each other.

I hope some of that made some kind of sense and was helpful.

 

[chevalier]

I am not “in love” with my husband. I married him for romantic love very quckly and far too young, I now believe, but I do love him. I want him to be happy, I want to make a pleasant home for him, I want him to be the best man he can be, and be a Godly man.

Erm. That sounds quite romantic actually…

We enjoy each other’s company just fine, although we don’t enjoy many hobbies together. We like a nice dinner I make sometimes, or a good movie. He’s a mucisian by hobby, and I enjoy watching him play. However, aside from that, our greatest interests and what we most love to do are not what the other likes to do. I find I much prefer to companionship of my girlfriends, as all of my hobbies and points of interest are excedingly feminine, while he often prefers spending time solo.

There’s no requirement or principle that you must spend this or that amount of time together. If you have an (unspoken) arrangement that works, you already have more than many, many people.

I feel on and off that something is “wrong” with me, for how our marriage works.

Many people havve that kind of feeling in various areas of life. It’s mostly when we look for some kind of rule or principle to measure ourserlves against. We may panic if too many things are undefined. Maybe you need to look at your life more than some kind of scenarios to replay that aren’t your own?

I was a little comforted by a few AAA answers that spoke of how yes, one can have a valid marriage even if romantic love is not a factor.

Of course! Marriage was around and so was love between man and woman before the adjective “romantic” was invented (19th century, actually, so not that long, although some concepts go back to about 11th century, originating from some heresy within Islam that was fashionable in Andalusia and was spread out by troubadours from Provence, in what’s now southern France but used to be a bit of a poetry capital in the middle ages). What is “romantic” is just so vague you can’t really define it. Don’t even preoccupy yourself with trying to, and you’ll be all the better for it.

We love each other in the way that we wish the best for each other, and would do anything to help the other be the happiest, holiest person they can, but we share few common interests, and often prefer the company of our family and friends over each others. If it works for us, is it our own gosh darn bussiness, or is this inherintly immoral?

Definitely nothing “inherently immoral”. You just need to make sure there’s no rift between the two of you, causing you to fall apart as you look to your companionship and entertainment in other places.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

I come to ask this after reading some of Michelle Arnold’s apologist questions; they helped to set my mind at ease a bit, but I would still enjoy the (name removed by moderator)ut of others.

I am not “in love” with my husband. I married him for romantic love very quckly and far too young, I now believe, but I do love him. I want him to be happy, I want to make a pleasant home for him, I want him to be the best man he can be, and be a Godly man.

We enjoy each other’s company just fine, although we don’t enjoy many hobbies together. We like a nice dinner I make sometimes, or a good movie. He’s a mucisian by hobby, and I enjoy watching him play. However, aside from that, our greatest interests and what we most love to do are not what the other likes to do. I find I much prefer to companionship of my girlfriends, as all of my hobbies and points of interest are excedingly feminine, while he often prefers spending time solo.

We are open to children long term, although our situation is such right now that we are practicing NFP.

I feel on and off that something is “wrong” with me, for how our marriage works. I was a little comforted by a few AAA answers that spoke of how yes, one can have a valid marriage even if romantic love is not a factor. And I do think I would like to work on becomign closer to my husband, especially once we consider bringing children into the world, but as of now…is how we live our marriage Christian? We love each other in the way that we wish the best for each other, and would do anything to help the other be the happiest, holiest person they can, but we share few common interests, and often prefer the company of our family and friends over each others. If it works for us, is it our own gosh darn bussiness, or is this inherintly immoral?

Your last question first: I see nothing “inherently immoral” in anything you’ve described. Your marriage sounds rather peaceful and pleasant to me. I wonder how you would even begin to think that your life with your husband is in any way immoral? Do you have a good intimate life with your husband?

Now, you didn’t mention a shared faith life. Am I to assume that both of you are faithful Catholics? I hope that is the case.

In terms of interests - It is actually healthier for a marriage if the 2 people do not need to be together every free moment that they have. Oh, it works for some people…And if it does, for any forum member reading, that’s fine. Some people have Venn diagrams that almost fully overlap, until you almost think they are more twins than spouses! Whatever works. But independent people with different interests also bring variety into the marriage. And when you do spend time together, you each have interesting experiences to then share.

Of course, the far end of the spectrum is that you don’t share enough to keep you connected, and over time, you find yourselves living separate but parallel lives. It’s a balance. If you find that you are with others a LOT more than you are with your husband in your free time, might be time to start looking for more activities you both can share.

You say you married too young and for romance, but that you haven’t had children yet, so I assume that you are still somewhat young? Where did the romance stop? Did your husband ever have the romantic aspect, or was that only you? Or have you been married for some time and still haven’t brought children into the marriage - that is a signal that something may indeed be “off” in your relationship.

 

[another_seeker]

Immoral? No, of course not.

Romatic love fades over time with sparks here and there. True love is NOT romatic love. True love is the self giving for that of your spouse. MANY couples feel as you do at one point or another in their marraige.

When you are young, this may be amplified more if you do not have any kids. The “Ohh **** I don’t have these “feelings” for this guy any more and now I am stuck with him” syndrome. We ALL, with few exceptions, go through this at one point or another.

Have you talked about this at all with him? It may be scary, but sometimes talking will help to bring you closer. Unless you have known each other for a VERY long time and already know everything about him from birth to now, it is an easy way to bring you two closer.

I would suggest that unless you have really serious issues, you should really not try to avoid children. Children are the glue that cements a marraige, at least for many people. It is very RARE that both husband and wife will enjoy the same activities. Usually we are pulled into the other persons hobbies because we want to be with them.

I like to grow things. It is now up to small farm size. My wife really didn’t care too much for it, but she helps with what she likes to do. She will pick things, price them, sell them, but wants nothing to do with the planning, planting, growing, etc. Does that mean we don’t have the same hobbies, etc.? No. She likes to cloth diaper and knows all manner of things and talks about them with her friends. To me they are butt covers that go in the washer. I don’t feel left out of her hobby and don’t think it detracts from our marraige.

Having a good sex life will also help to keep both of you together more romatically. Don’t let hobbies, jobs, etc. get in the way of love time. You need to WORK to keep yourselves happy. Make sure to pray together too. It is an amazing bnding tool that will constantly remind you that two are there for each other.

So in summation, the lack of “romatic” love does not mean your marraige is over, it just means that you are now growing in TRUE love for each other.

I hope some of that made some kind of sense and was helpful.

I have some emotional trauma that I am working through, unrelated to my marriage, that I feel is not something I can raise childrean around. With that and my husband being about a year away from graduation, yes, I feel waiting a small while longer on children is proper right now. The issues I have have been very crippleing in the past, and not something children should be exposed to.

Thank you for your kind reponse. It is very comforting. I have issues with OCD,so I do wonder if my feelings of guilt may be linked to that as well.

 

[another_seeker]

Your last question first: I see nothing “inherently immoral” in anything you’ve described. Your marriage sounds rather peaceful and pleasant to me. I wonder how you would even begin to think that your life with your husband is in any way immoral? Do you have a good intimate life with your husband?

Now, you didn’t mention a shared faith life. Am I to assume that both of you are faithful Catholics? I hope that is the case.

In terms of interests - It is actually healthier for a marriage if the 2 people do not need to be together every free moment that they have. Oh, it works for some people…And if it does, for any forum member reading, that’s fine. Some people have Venn diagrams that almost fully overlap, until you almost think they are more twins than spouses! Whatever works. But independent people with different interests also bring variety into the marriage. And when you do spend time together, you each have interesting experiences to then share.

Of course, the far end of the spectrum is that you don’t share enough to keep you connected, and over time, you find yourselves living separate but parallel lives. It’s a balance. If you find that you are with others a LOT more than you are with your husband in your free time, might be time to start looking for more activities you both can share.

You say you married too young and for romance, but that you haven’t had children yet, so I assume that you are still somewhat young? Where did the romance stop? Did your husband ever have the romantic aspect, or was that only you? Or have you been married for some time and still haven’t brought children into the marriage - that is a signal that something may indeed be “off” in your relationship.

I wondered if it was immoral because I know your husband in suppose to be the nimber one priprity in your life. And while I certainly wouldn’t put someone else’s needs before my husbands or foresake him for another, I do often feel far more drawn to people and activities away from my husband. I feel a FAR stronger bond with my best friend and close family than I do my husband, for example, and often would rather spend time with them. But at the end of the day, of course it’s my husband I choose to come home to (rare nights visiting out of state company or staying with my elderly grandmother aside)

He is Christian, i Catholic, but he’s very supportive of my faith. He goes to Mass with me, and thinks my faith is a beautiful thing. Has said before if I ever asked him, he’d convert, but of course I told him that needs to be a personal choice on HIS part.

Yes, we’re both still in our early.mid twenties. I’m not sure about his romantic aspect; he’s not a very emotional person. He runs by mathamatics and logic more than emotions

 

[TheRealJuliane]

I wondered if it was immoral because I know your husband in suppose to be the nimber one priprity in your life. And while I certainly wouldn’t put someone else’s needs before my husbands or foresake him for another, I do often feel far more drawn to people and activities away from my husband. I feel a FAR stronger bond with my best friend and close family than I do my husband, for example, and often would rather spend time with them. But at the end of the day, of course it’s my husband I choose to come home to (rare nights visiting out of state company or staying with my elderly grandmother aside)

He is Christian, i Catholic, but he’s very supportive of my faith. He goes to Mass with me, and thinks my faith is a beautiful thing. Has said before if I ever asked him, he’d convert, but of course I told him that needs to be a personal choice on HIS part.

Yes, we’re both still in our early.mid twenties. I’m not sure about his romantic aspect; he’s not a very emotional person. He runs by mathamatics and logic more than emotions

Actually, God should be the number one priority in both of your lives. Imagine a triangle, equilateral, with you at one corner and he at the other, and God at the apex. You draw closer to each other when you draw closer to God. That is the ideal marriage.

I don’t quite understand the 2 statements - that you say you married for romance, yet now you would rather spend time with others. I take it that the romantic attraction has faded for you? That is not necessarily a tragedy - there’s a lot of illusion in what we call “romance” in this culture.

Well, if you are working through some issues, then you can probably bring these concerns into your therapy sessions. If there is some aspect of your marriage that bothers you, it’s worth discussing.

 

[another_seeker]

Yes, That’s t exactly, Julianne. We did marry for emotions, and the emotional burst has since faded. I don’t feel that sort of love for him now, but I do still care for him and want him to be happy. I like to see him happy and content, but actually spendng time with him brings me little of it myself.

 

[agapewolf]

I have some emotional trauma that I am working through, unrelated to my marriage, that I feel is not something I can raise childrean around. With that and my husband being about a year away from graduation, yes, I feel waiting a small while longer on children is proper right now. The issues I have have been very crippleing in the past, and not something children should be exposed to.

Thank you for your kind reponse. It is very comforting. I have issues with OCD,so I do wonder if my feelings of guilt may be linked to that as well.

Several thoughts:

1. Some people have very charismatic experiences of the Holy Spirit throughout their lives, or portions of their lives. Perhaps at this point, this sacrament is a spiritual dry time for you. You can look into what God is calling you to do.
2. These crippling issues might be a big source of why you don’t “feel” in love with your husband. Perhaps if you open yourself up to a deeper love you might find some wounds that are opened up and need to heal. You could be scared of that.

Get a spiritual director soon.

 

[another_seeker]

I’m not sure how easy speaking to a spiritual director is right now. Our local church is a revolving door of priests coming in and out, and I don’t think I feel comfortable speaking about such intimate things to someone I don’t know wwell, only to have to repeat it all again when said priest has to go back to Vietnam, or Kenya again

 

[Luna_Lovecraft]

I’m not sure how easy speaking to a spiritual director is right now. Our local church is a revolving door of priests coming in and out, and I don’t think I feel comfortable speaking about such intimate things to someone I don’t know wwell, only to have to repeat it all again when said priest has to go back to Vietnam, or Kenya again

A spiritual director doesn’t need to be a parish priest. She also can be a sister in an order that is serving somewhere in the diocese, for example, someone with more permanent ties to your area. If you’re not comfortable asking for a referral at your parish, contact your diocese.

Another avenue would be to find a Marriage and Family Therapist/counselor who’s either Catholic or has a pretty good understanding of Catholic marriage rights, responsibilities, expectations, and spirituality. Again, your diocese or your local Catholic charities would be the place to start to find such a professional. If you do not have insurance or are on a fixed or low income, be sure to mention this so you’ll be put in touch with a practice that can work with you on a sliding payment scale.

Luna

 

[agapewolf]

I’m not sure how easy speaking to a spiritual director is right now. Our local church is a revolving door of priests coming in and out, and I don’t think I feel comfortable speaking about such intimate things to someone I don’t know wwell, only to have to repeat it all again when said priest has to go back to Vietnam, or Kenya again

It doesn’t have to be your parish priest. it doesn’t have to be a priest.

Find someone stable in your diocese. Some orders take on a community and never leave.

 

[Luna_Lovecraft]

It doesn’t have to be your parish priest. it doesn’t have to be a priest.

Find someone stable in your diocese. Some orders take on a community and never leave.

Great minds…

Happy Easter!

Luna

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Yes, That’s t exactly, Julianne. We did marry for emotions, and the emotional burst has since faded. I don’t feel that sort of love for him now, but I do still care for him and want him to be happy. I like to see him happy and content, but actually spendng time with him brings me little of it myself.

I can kind of relate to what you are saying. Actually, quite a bit of it. My husband is a very restless person, always wanting to be doing something. He feels anxious if he isn’t making forward progress on some project pretty much every waking hour. And if he could figure out how to work while he’s sleeping, he’d be happy. He makes me tired a lot of the time, just being around him. I’m a much lower-energy type, not driven AT ALL to, as I put it on another thread, “attack life and beat it into submission.”

We have fun when he can relax a little bit, or when I can meet him half way, and cooperate in one of his projects, or help him in some way (most of the time I don’t want to help him b/c he’s not always patient either). This usually happens if he works in the morning and we go somewhere in the afternoon. If he takes an entire day off, he starts getting anxious unless we are doing something that translates as work to me anyway. Then he’s happy and I’m not.

So I can understand how you can be happier when not spending a lot of time with your husband. We have almost 23 years experience at this, so don’t think this dooms a marriage. It hasn’t been easy, I won’t lie to you. I have always urged him to just relax, chill out, veg out, etc. but he really cannot manage it. I think it’s just a part of who he is, so I have accepted it and I try to either work around it or go along with it. I think he still believes that I am just lazy, and maybe I am, so I try to work on that and not be quite so immovable when there is leisure time. It’s a work in progress.

You’re not just moving apart, though, are you? If you share at least some common interests and value each other for the people that you are…

 

[another_seeker]

We have a few common interests, yes. he’s a wonderful critic and advice-giver for my art, and I love to hear him sing. Every once in a while he pop a movie in for a snuggle. I don’t like video games much, but I’ll play one with him once in a while, whereas he indiulges my obsession with Victorian culture by listening to me ranting about my newest history book.

It works for us. We’re content together, but happiest apart. it’s not a, I want to leave you because I’m not happy wth you thing, like I feared at first. Just a, we follow our gender sterotypes to a T and prefer the company of our own gender for fun and company.

I suppose I still need to learn to differentiate between the different sorts of love, and learn that sometimes, you WON’T feel the most emotional pull or affection for your spouse, but there’s nothign wrong with that

 

[Iheartcoffee]

I think our culture dwells on sexual, romantic love far too much. There is a lot to be said for the peaceful contentment that comes with just enjoying each other’s company. That is what lasts. That is what you see in those happy little elderly couples that sit together at Mass each and every week and probably have the same little Sunday schedule no matter what.

One time I saw a TV show where a couple was complaining of a similar problem. I remember my grandmother saw it and made it very clear to us that society needs to realize that life isn’t going to be like the honeymoon- and it shouldn’t be. There is a lot to be said for a content, comfortable love that doesn’t have all the drama of the stuff early in the relationship. Plus, if you have the content and comfortable love, you can probably get some of that romantic love back with a good vacation.

 

[KCT]

I know couples who can’t stand being apart and I know others where one spouse travels on business and the spouse at home is happy.

If it’s working for you, why worry about it? Don’t compare yourself to some fictional ‘perfect’ couple. There is no such thing.