Is passionate kissing WITHIN marriage ok?

[Emily91]

Ok, I’ve recently become convinced that activities such as French kissing and necking with my boyfriend are wrong before we are married. However, is it ok to engage in all of these activities, I.e, making out, within marriage, even if intercourse does not follow? Can we make out passionately and leave it at that? I know it might seem silly to ask but I’m paranoid and scruplulous by nature!!! I know direct genital stimulation outside of intercourse is wrong, but the above activities don’t seem to fall into thy category. Sexual desire and the expression thereof are ok in marriage, right??

 

[FrenzyJen]

If you’re married, you’ll be having intercourse eventually after that, so jot it down as foreplay.

If my husband only tried to kiss me when he wanted to have sex, I would probably resent him for that very quickly.

 

[12345678]

If you’re married, you’ll be having intercourse eventually after that, so jot it down as foreplay.

If my husband only tried to kiss me when he wanted to have sex, I would probably resent him for that very quickly.

That would not be the rationale that would make it ok… foreplay prepares the body for the act to follow. There are some things that are ok in foreplay that you wouldn’t do without intercourse regardless if you plan to have sex in two days.

Aim towards love and not lust, and you should be fine
What a couple can do when not planning on having intercourse will vary by couple.

 

[MJJean]

Why wouldn’t it be ok? Sometimes “making out” without sex is a great way to express romantic affection and for those who have been married for a while to say without words “Hey, spouse, I still find you attractive even though we’ve been together since forever!”

As the other poster said, I’d be awfully upset if my DH didn’t occasionally “make out” with me outside of foreplay meant to result in sex.

 

[mommamaree]

Within marriage:

Passionate kissing is good.

Caressing and fondling is good.

Direct stimulation to the genitals is good.

Intercourse does not need to follow any of these forms of intimate touching, although it often will, provided enough time and privacy are afforded the couple.

It may help you to read Germaine Grisez’s The Way of Our Lord Jesus, volume 2, chapter 9. Here is the link.
twotlj.org/G-2-9-S.html

He discusses sexual acts proper to a Christian marriage and those acts that a couple uses to establish intimacy and signal attraction even when intercourse is neither possible nor desired at that moment. It will put your mind at ease, I hope.

 

[EasterJoy]

A married couple may engage in acts of romance they find arousing without intending to have intercourse immediately afterwards every single time, yes.

 

[CuriousInIL]

A married couple may engage in acts of romance they find arousing without intending to have intercourse immediately afterwards every single time, yes.

I agree but there are at least a significant percentage of folks who do not agree. I think most, for example, would put a limit on it so that the arousal is not so intense/significant as to be a near occasion of sin.

 

[EasterJoy]

I agree but there are at least a significant percentage of folks who do not agree. I think most, for example, would put a limit on it so that the arousal is not so intense/significant as to be a near occasion of sin.

What is the particular sin that would be of concern to them? There are practical reasons to avoid arousal when the couple intends to avoid intercourse, such as trying to keep things “easier to read” for NFP or to avoid putting previously made firm intentions with serious reasons behind them too much to the test, and of course there could be others, but what is the spiritual fault in passionately kissing a spouse when the occasion for something more intimate still does not exist for the time being?

 

[CuriousInIL]

What is the particular sin that would be of concern to them? There are practical reasons to avoid arousal when the couple intends to avoid intercourse, such as trying to keep things “easier to read” for NFP or to avoid putting previously made firm intentions with serious reasons behind them too much to the test, and of course there could be others, but what is the spiritual fault in passionately kissing a spouse when the occasion for something more intimate still does not exist for the time being?

The possibility that one or both may fall to the sin of masturbation. At least that is the answer that I have heard time and again.

 

[mommamaree]

The possibility that one or both may fall to the sin of masturbation. At least that is the answer that I have heard time and again.

And for some couples, that might be an issue. For other couples, they may be tempted to disregard the seriously good reasons they are trying to avoid (although many times, they may rightly decide that their reasons simply weren’t serious enough for them as a couple). For still other couples, passionate kissing and touching is a healthy way for them to stay connected and happily anticipate their next opportunity to renew their marriage vows! There is nothing inherently sinful about what theologians refer to as incomplete sexual activities (colloquially known as making out or heavy petting) performed outside of foreplay or intercourse. Each couple must decide for themselves what is tolerable and wanted in between opportunities for intercourse. Sometimes, a couple just wants to make out for the sake of making out, just to enjoy that one aspect of marriage.

 

[Emily91]

Thanks for the reassuring replies! What of activity that could stimulate orgasm outside of sex, I’ve experienced sometimes through make out and nipple stimulation ( bad outside marriage, I know.) is this ok?

 

[12345678]

Thanks for the reassuring replies! What of activity that could stimulate orgasm outside of sex, I’ve experienced sometimes through make out and nipple stimulation ( bad outside marriage, I know.) is this ok?

As you can probably see, you will get a variety of opinions on chastity within marriage. Orgasm, both male and female, should only be part of regular intercourse, so yeah, you should avoid any type of activity that leads to orgasm outside of intercourse.

I really haven’t seen any concrete sources on here (other than a theologian’s opinion)… but I think reading up on lust in documents from the Church could help you figure out if you are experiencing lust (which can happen in marriage) or love. I know you aren’t married yet, but I mean in general for when you are married. Form your conscience with solid sources (in these forums you will find a variety of opinions), and then be at peace. Find a good priest that is faithful to the Magisterium and have him be your spiritual adviser. Love in marriage is beautiful, God designed it that way, with pleasure in sex being good. but there is such a thing as chastity in marriage.

 

[VeritasLuxMea]

As you can probably see, you will get a variety of opinions on chastity within marriage. Orgasm, both male and female, should only be part of regular intercourse, so yeah, you should avoid any type of activity that leads to orgasm outside of intercourse.

I really haven’t seen any concrete sources on here (other than a theologian’s opinion)… but I think reading up on lust in documents from the Church could help you figure out if you are experiencing lust (which can happen in marriage) or love. I know you aren’t married yet, but I mean in general for when you are married. Form your conscience with solid sources (in these forums you will find a variety of opinions), and then be at peace. Find a good priest that is faithful to the Magisterium and have him be your spiritual adviser. Love in marriage is beautiful, God designed it that way, with pleasure in sex being good. but there is such a thing as chastity in marriage.

One thing I will add is the importance of understanding the Church’s definition of lust. To many, this word means merely “strong sexual desire” Strong sexual desire is great in marriage and should be embraced, not avoided. What should be avoided is the lust that the Church speaks of.

 

[CaliLobo]

Ok, I’ve recently become convinced that activities such as French kissing and necking with my boyfriend are wrong before we are married. However, is it ok to engage in all of these activities, I.e, making out, within marriage, even if intercourse does not follow? Can we make out passionately and leave it at that? I know it might seem silly to ask but I’m paranoid and scruplulous by nature!!! I know direct genital stimulation outside of intercourse is wrong, but the above activities don’t seem to fall into thy category. Sexual desire and the expression thereof are ok in marriage, right??

I sure hope that the one time that it should be allowed, it is allowed!

 

[CuriousInIL]

And for some couples, that might be an issue. For other couples, they may be tempted to disregard the seriously good reasons they are trying to avoid (although many times, they may rightly decide that their reasons simply weren’t serious enough for them as a couple). For still other couples, passionate kissing and touching is a healthy way for them to stay connected and happily anticipate their next opportunity to renew their marriage vows! There is nothing inherently sinful about what theologians refer to as incomplete sexual activities (colloquially known as making out or heavy petting) performed outside of foreplay or intercourse. Each couple must decide for themselves what is tolerable and wanted in between opportunities for intercourse. Sometimes, a couple just wants to make out for the sake of making out, just to enjoy that one aspect of marriage.

I agree

 

[losh14]

Yes, because lukewarm, superficial kissing in marriage doesn’t communicate accurately the way you feel about your spouse.

Not every act of affection leads to sex. Not every act is intended to do so. Affection is communication. Foreplay is something else. Mature couples know where to draw the line.

 

[12345678]

One thing I will add is the importance of understanding the Church’s definition of lust. To many, this word means merely “strong sexual desire” Strong sexual desire is great in marriage and should be embraced, not avoided. What should be avoided is the lust that the Church speaks of.

Lust separates pleasure from the unitive and procreative aspects of love. It can definitely be a result of “strong sexual desire” even within marriage. It isn’t that once you are married you can seek sexual pleasure whenever and you are A-Ok. Even so, sex is good, and enjoying sexual pleasure in sex is good. I don’t want the OP getting all worried about this once married, though. Read about lust, lots of writings from Saint John Paul II from before a pope and after, Church documents etc. There are forms of affection and things married couples can do even though they are not planning on having sex at the moment that are not appropriate outside of marriage, but are fine within. But that doesn’t mean anything goes, that you can try to maximize the pleasure without including the procreative/unitive. It doesn’t mean you have to be worried all the time while married either. Form your conscience with solid sources from the Church, ask a reliable spiritual adviser for clarification when needed, and you can use that as a guideline and enjoy married life (when the time comes ).

 

[Emily91]

Ok, so what about activity that leads to female orgasm prior to actual penetration as long as it is a lead up to regular intercourse? As a way to help the woman more easily achieve orgasm from intercourse?

 

[VeritasLuxMea]

Lust separates pleasure from the unitive and procreative aspects of love. It can definitely be a result of “strong sexual desire” even within marriage.

Well yes, but that’s not the same thing as saying that all strong sexual desire is lustful or that all passionate lovemaking is lustful-- It isn’t. That is the only distinction I’m trying to make, because I believe the culture (my culture, at least) attaches a different meaning to the word. So it is important to distinguish. Again, for me at least…

It isn’t that once you are married you can seek sexual pleasure whenever and you are A-Ok.

Sorry, I don’t follow.

Even so, sex is good, and enjoying sexual pleasure in sex is good. I don’t want the OP getting all worried about this once married, though. Read about lust, lots of writings from Saint John Paul II from before a pope and after, Church documents etc. There are forms of affection and things married couples can do even though they are not planning on having sex at the moment that are not appropriate outside of marriage, but are fine within. But that doesn’t mean anything goes, that you can try to maximize the pleasure without including the procreative/unitive. It doesn’t mean you have to be worried all the time while married either. Form your conscience with solid sources from the Church, ask a reliable spiritual adviser for clarification when needed, and you can use that as a guideline and enjoy married life (when the time comes ).

This, I wholeheartedly agree with.

 

[underacloud]

If my husband only tried to kiss me when he wanted to have sex, I would probably resent him for that very quickly.

Why wouldn’t it be ok? Sometimes “making out” without sex is a great way to express romantic affection and for those who have been married for a while to say without words “Hey, spouse, I still find you attractive even though we’ve been together since forever!”

As the other poster said, I’d be awfully upset if my DH didn’t occasionally “make out” with me outside of foreplay meant to result in sex.

Interesting…

My wife and I take the opposite approach. “Making out” is saved for when it can lead to sex, otherwise it is just frustrating. Depends on the couple I guess.