Is physical/sexual attraction important

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No, I am only upset that I don’t feel anything for her because she is perfect wife material. And also because I do care for her. I’m not meant to be alone, I know this, because I’ve been in relationships besides her.

I just am feeling guilty for breaking up with someone. I hate hurting people. And after 2 years I didn’t develop an attraction for her, and my love for her was as a friend not as anything more.

If I knew I wouldn’t hurt her and look at other women or be tempted by them, I would marry her just because she is such a great person. But I know the mere fact I don’t feel the same hurts her enough. She deserves someone who loves her.

That’s all…I just hate hurting people.
 
Norm640 said:
No, I am only upset that I don’t feel anything for her because she is perfect wife material. And also because I do care for her. I’m not meant to be alone, I know this, because I’ve been in relationships besides her.

I just am feeling guilty for breaking up with someone. I hate hurting people. And after 2 years I didn’t develop an attraction for her, and my love for her was as a friend not as anything more.

If I knew I wouldn’t hurt her and look at other women or be tempted by them, I would marry her just because she is such a great person. But I know the mere fact I don’t feel the same hurts her enough. She deserves someone who loves her.

That’s all…I just hate hurting people.
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Yes, she does deserve someone who loves her in a romantic way. And you deserve to be with someone you love in a romantic way. I don’t think you should feel guilty. You can’t manufacture feelings of romantic love and attraction. They either exist or they don’t.
 
Norm640 said:
She deserves someone who loves her.
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👍
Norm640 said:
That’s all…I just hate hurting people.
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No one likes it. But as it is, you’re lying to her and making yourself miserable.

You’ll feel much more in control of your life once you follow through. Get your head around it, because you’ve already made the decision. 🙂
 
In your seeking a spouse…(also for those already married) read the play “the Jewelers Shop” by (later) Bl. Pope John Paul II

A few lines to get you to…

Andrew:

I thought much at the time about the ‘alter ego’
Theresa was a whole world, just as distant
as any other man, as any other woman
–and yet there was something that allowed one to think
of throwing a bridge.

I let that thought run on and even develop within me.
It was not an assent independent of an act of the will.
I simply resisted sensation and the appeal of the senses,
for I knew that otherwise I would never really leave
my ‘ego’
and reach the other person–but that meant an effort.
For my senses fed at every step
on the charms of the women I met.
When once or twice I tried following them,
I met solitary islands.

This made me think that beauty accessible to the senses
can be a difficult gift or a dangerous one;
I met people led by it to hurt others
–and so, gradually, I learned to value beauty
accessible to the mind, that is to say, truth.
I decided then to seek a woman who would be indeed
my real ‘alter ego’ so that the bridge between us
would not be a shaky bridge among water lilies and
reeds.

(Ignatius Press --on sale 🙂 – get it ignatius.com/Products/JSH-H/the-jewelers-shop.aspx and read it in silence …and think and pray…)
 
physical attraction is important to an extent, but it shouldn’t be what the whole relationship is based on of course. I can completely understand where you are coming from. I dated a good guy when I was younger, but it didn’t last very long at all. There was just something missing and I ended things. He was a Christian, respectful, nice, and everything I want in a guy, but I think I wasn’t ready for a commitment or something.

He’s married now, but sometimes I wonder how things would have turned out if we had met now instead of then or if I missed my chance. I have however started a Novena for a spouse. Feel free to message me if you would like:)
 
This may be some good advice to give to you from my main man Jimmy Soul:

If you wanna be happy
For the rest of your life,
Never make a pretty woman your wife,
So from my personal point of view,
Get an ugly girl to marry you.

If you wanna be happy
For the rest of your life,
Never make a pretty woman your wife,
So from my personal point of view,
Get an ugly girl to marry you.

A pretty woman makes her husband look small
And very often causes his downfall.
As soon as he marries her, then she starts
To do the things that will break his heart,
But if you make an ugly woman your wife,
You’ll be happy for the rest of your life,
An ugly woman cooks her meals on time,
She’ll always give you peace of mind.

If you wanna be happy
For the rest of your life,
Never make a pretty woman your wife,
So from my personal point of view,
Get an ugly girl to marry you.

Don’t let your friends say
You have no taste,
Go ahead and marry anyway,
Though her face is ugly,
Her eyes don’t match,
Take it from me she’s a better catch.

If you wanna be happy
For the rest of your life,
Never make a pretty woman your wife,
So from my personal point of view,
Get an ugly girl to marry you.

Say man.
Hey baby.
I saw your wife the other day.
Yeah?
Yeah, she’s ugly.
Man, she’s ugly but she sure can cook, baby.
Yeah? Alright…

If you wanna be happy
For the rest of your life,
Never make a pretty woman your wife,
So from my personal point of view,
Get an ugly girl to marry you.
 
Would the term bond be a better description of the problem? Attraction is a part of that. I find that I can get along with many people but the bond is just not there- speaking about all types of relationships here. It just happens and there is no use in pushing something to develop, but it also doesn’t mean one doesn’t respect the other either. It’s more respectful to everyone to be true to yourself. I think ending the relationship with this lady on account of this lack of attraction is respectful of her. Yes, it will hurt her, but she ought to respect you back for your honesty concern and care. My question for you is… Could your feelings for her be getting deeper for her now that you’ve had some time away… Or is this coming from lonliness or the desire to please?

Maybe that is a difference between males and females? Like Aunty said in this thread, as a female, if I like a guy, it doesn’t matter if In the beginning I am not so much physically attracted to him. If I like him, then the attraction usually follows. But we women are told men are visual… So I don’t know if that factors in this or not because I am not male. I do know that it would be hurtful as a female to find out I am not attractive to him, but I do know from living enough years and from observation, looks fade, so I kind of expect that would happen someday. :(. That is why a true bond would be vital.

Did you not bond with this lady on a spiritual level at all?
 
…ask the spouses of those, our military veterans, who came back as burn victims due to war…

Exactly what constitutes “physical attraction”? It cant be strictly physical attributes…

Burn victims clearly look like burn victims. Physical aesthetics have been sacrificed in the name of war…willingly and without reservation…

These veterans a permenantly disfigured, and many, severely so…

Physical/sexual attraction has to go beyond what the eyeballs see…🤷

Harsh, but very real as to what constitutes “physical” attraction…
American culture distorts the meaning of love and yes, even attraction…

Reality, real reality, is harsh. But those who have the backbone to get beyond it, are blessed with the reality of Heaven’s love… 🙂
 
Marie, I know you’re a jonesin to be a thorn in my side, but the girl that I had no attraction to was what most people would call classically beautiful. I just didn’t feel it with her. I’ve been interested in all types of women, and if there is one thing I know is that physical attraction has to be experienced in person and is not always based on what society says is good looking.

That said, I’ve also been rejected by every type of woman out there. My angst is over the fact that the girl I wasn’t interested in is a great woman but I had not chemistry with her. That’s all.
Marie5890 said:
…ask the spouses of those, our military veterans, who came back as burn victims due to war…

Exactly what constitutes “physical attraction”? It cant be strictly physical attributes…

Burn victims clearly look like burn victims. Physical aesthetics have been sacrificed in the name of war…willingly and without reservation…

These veterans a permenantly disfigured, and many, severely so…

Physical/sexual attraction has to go beyond what the eyeballs see…🤷

Harsh, but very real as to what constitutes “physical” attraction…
American culture distorts the meaning of love and yes, even attraction…

Reality, real reality, is harsh. But those who have the backbone to get beyond it, are blessed with the reality of Heaven’s love… 🙂
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Norm640 said:
Marie, I know you’re a jonesin to be a thorn in my side, but the girl that I had no attraction to was what most people would call classically beautiful. I just didn’t feel it with her. I’ve been interested in all types of women, and if there is one thing I know is that physical attraction has to be experienced in person and is not always based on what society says is good looking.

That said, I’ve also been rejected by every type of woman out there. My angst is over the fact that the girl I wasn’t interested in is a great woman but I had not chemistry with her. That’s all.
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Actually no.

Im speaking on behalf those vets that I have known and come thru where I work that have been disfigured by war…and other human beings who have been disfigured by fire…and those I have personally known in rehabilitation hospitals and centers…

People tend to forget them…Yet their wounds are real…and their physical appearance is real, and the love that their spouses have for them is real…

Western culture really does a number on our pysches in many ways without our even releasing it…It’s marketing strategies are very effective
 
One of the lessons that I’ve learnedis to not date people that I am not attracted to. I’ve always felt obligated to “give a guy a chance” and to be “open to God’s will” . However, when one relationship ended badly I realized you hurt people more by dating them, even though you know you are not interested, than by rejecting them upfront.

I just think it’s because there is no real way to isolate physical attraction from emotional or spiritual attraction. I believe that all dimensions intersect when we call someone attractive. I don’t think it’s always all about looks, I think it is also about how they carry themselves and what it signifies about the person they are inside. So I wouldn’t feel bad about rejecting this girl, even though I’ve run into the same situation hundreds of times. I’m attracted to guys who couldn’t care less about me and the perfect-husband-material guy comes along and I am just not into him for some reason.

Yes, it is hard to break up with someone but it just sounds like your heart wasn’t in it. Also, I know many will disagree but, while marriage may be your general vocation I still think you have to find the “right fit” in terms of a spouse. Many people talk like you can just go out on a street corner and pick a nice Catholic girl/boy to marry. Ultimately I think you have to listen for the voice of the Holy Spirit when you choose a spouse. Does that person inspire you to become a better person? Make you think of yourself less? Make you feel more generous with your time, talent and efforts? Not that I condone that whole “soulmate” or “the one” nonsense. I do believe that good marriages are built upon the inspiration of the Holy Spirit or the “friendship on fire” experience you have when you’ve met someone that could be your lifelong companion.
 
Grinev, God bless you. It seems so easy for some to just “find someone”. I don’t get that…I don’t get how seemingly people take this for granted. I’m not looking for perfect, I’m just looking for the right “fit”. I thought I found it recently, but it wasn’t to be. I don’t want to get older and more pathetic, but I can’t change that. I just have to keep soldiering on.

The attractions are all intermingled…true.
grinev said:
One of the lessons that I’ve learnedis to not date people that I am not attracted to. I’ve always felt obligated to “give a guy a chance” and to be “open to God’s will” . However, when one relationship ended badly I realized you hurt people more by dating them, even though you know you are not interested, than by rejecting them upfront.

I just think it’s because there is no real way to isolate physical attraction from emotional or spiritual attraction. I believe that all dimensions intersect when we call someone attractive. I don’t think it’s always all about looks, I think it is also about how they carry themselves and what it signifies about the person they are inside. So I wouldn’t feel bad about rejecting this girl, even though I’ve run into the same situation hundreds of times. I’m attracted to guys who couldn’t care less about me and the perfect-husband-material guy comes along and I am just not into him for some reason.

Yes, it is hard to break up with someone but it just sounds like your heart wasn’t in it. Also, I know many will disagree but, while marriage may be your general vocation I still think you have to find the “right fit” in terms of a spouse. Many people talk like you can just go out on a street corner and pick a nice Catholic girl/boy to marry. Ultimately I think you have to listen for the voice of the Holy Spirit when you choose a spouse. Does that person inspire you to become a better person? Make you think of yourself less? Make you feel more generous with your time, talent and efforts? Not that I condone that whole “soulmate” or “the one” nonsense. I do believe that good marriages are built upon the inspiration of the Holy Spirit or the “friendship on fire” experience you have when you’ve met someone that could be your lifelong companion.
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Norm640 said:

“Going over past relationships I’ve had, I often wonder if I missed out. I am always doubting myself. I look back on one girl in particular. She is the most amazing Catholic in the world. But when I was with her, we had nothing to talk about. And I had no physical attraction to her. Part of me thinks that the latter is minor, and shouldn’t be considered. But isn’t physical attraction part of finding a wife/husband?”

Of course.

“It took me 2 years of being with her to break up with her. Mostly because since I doubt myself all the time, I wanted to see if my initial feelings might change. They didn’t. And, well, she is a great woman. I am just worried that maybe I’m a bad person because I’ve rejected this really great woman- that maybe God is telling me she’s the one.”

If you did anything wrong here, it’s that you wasted two years of this woman’s life and allowed her to become deeply attached to you. I think you should have turned her loose no later than after 3 months (and arguably after one month). If attraction doesn’t emerge within 3 months of serious dating, it’s probably not going to. (I agree with what someone said upthread about how liking people makes them more attractive, and thinking them more attractive makes us like them more, in a sort of virtuous circle.) And for goodness sake, don’t try to be “friends” with somebody who is pining for you.

“But then, if procreation is part of that, how can I be with a woman I’m not attracted to?”

People manage to procreate with those they aren’t that attracted to (i.e. beer goggles), but that’s not really an ideal situation.

“Am I even making sense?”

Yeah, you are.

One more thing–somebody upthread made an interesting remark about how she discovered that her dysfunctional family had made her imprint on a particular kind of dysfunctional guy. We need to look very carefully at what our “type” is and figure out if we need to make an effort to change our type. If all of the boyfriends we were crazy about were the ones who treated us like garbage and we found nice guys “boring”, we need to work on that.
 
Xantippe:

My type: hot, stupid.

That’s a joke.

Well the things is…there are reasons I couldn’t just break up with her. For one, we are countries apart, so I thought I owed it to her to see her a few more times if it worked. Secondly, she told me she loved me before we even met. This wasn’t a typical relationship, unfortunately.

Finally, my OCD makes me question my feelings. It is hard to explain unless you have it. So I never trust my gut. Finally, I realized I didn’t love her. The last thing I wanted to do was hurt her.

However, I’m not so sure I wasted her life, nor do I feel my time was wasted. It actually made me realize what I did/didn’t want in a relationship, and I think it helped her too, though she probably wouldn’t say so at this moment.

I’m not a saint, and I hate hurting people. I’ve been hurt so much that is the last thing I’d want to do.
 
Norm640,

I’m sure you had your reasons, but don’t do it again. If she now believes that she can’t be happy with anybody else for the rest of her life, that’s very bad for her.

I would definitely urge you not to do international relationships or super-long-distance relationships if you don’t have the resources to spend a lot of time together very soon. The waiting and the travel suck up so much time and money that could have been spent more wisely closer to home.
 
Xantippe,

“Don’t do it again”…its not like I had it planned out. But thanks for making me feel like I ruined her life. I honestly didn’t know how I felt about her.

I saw her five times over 2 years for an accumulative 5 weeks of total time together. That’s a pretty good deal. It just wasn’t right.

By the way, if God wants to magically deposit a single woman my age in this town I live in, I’m all for it. I really loathe long-distance relationships. You know?

Relationships are complicated things. I’m sure you’ve done some things you regret too.

I tried to overlook physical attraction re: this girl because I was trying to be a good Catholic and see her for more than that. I realize however, as someone here said, that it is part of the complete package of attraction. It isn’t a deal breaker, sometimes physical attraction is there and nothing else is, or sometimes intellectual/spiritual attraction is there, and the physical is lacking. With this girl I finally realized that we had nothing in common. She was physically attracted to me, I wasn’t to her. Hopefully someday she’ll realize that she needs someone who truly loves her.

I’ve prayed for her constantly, and tried to keep my distance. I want her happy. But at some point we also have to take responsibility for ourselves. In every relationships someone will be hurt unintentionally. Long distance or not.
 
I like to believe in kismet and the possibility of love at first sight between couples, and let me clarify that more precisely…between a man and a woman!

In principal the idea of attraction can have differing definitions in it’s overall context. If you mean physical by all means that can incorporate LUST and infatuation; which are not moral. Then we could ask, “if I find her physically attractive am I lusting after her?”

Our emphasis on exterior beauty is in this day and age is catastrophic. We can hardly see a media message or ad without beauty being presented tenfold. They say “beauty is in the eye of the beholder.” I don’t believe that and the measure by which we construed or apply beauty in practice of thought borders on fanatical. At young ages we are introduced to this application in schools and then in real world scenarios like dating and friendship.

“If you look this way or that way you will be judged”, and what did JESUS CHRIST state about judging others and loving others.

“If you do not love others whom you do see, then how can you still say you love GOD whom you cannot see?!”

We have been programmed and instilled by the enemy to think in this fashion. There is some merit in physical beauty as overweight or underweight portions are a possible sign of misaligned care for the body that is the temple of the holy spirit. Advertising unhealthy patterns and even sloth.

If there is no attraction, intimacy or kismet then maybe there is a reason and only by praying for discernment to GOD in the name of his son JESUS for the truth will you understand or see clearly what if any of issues exist.

Praise be to GOD the heavenly father and his son lord JESUS forever>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
 
Norm640 said:

I’m talking about super-long distance, where you only see the person a total of 5 weeks over 2 years. If you can see them every weekend or every other weekend, great. There’s got to be a good size city within four hours drive of you in the US, unless you live in Alaska or somewhere similarly remote.

“Relationships are complicated things. I’m sure you’ve done some things you regret too.”

Of course. But I’m planning not to do them again.

“I’ve prayed for her constantly, and tried to keep my distance.”

Good.

“I want her happy. But at some point we also have to take responsibility for ourselves. In every relationships someone will be hurt unintentionally. Long distance or not.”

But you can get to “no way” or “forever!” way faster if you date within reasonable driving distance.
 
Yes, I believe it is.

There is a reason we have friends and we have husbands/wives. A romantic relationship has more to it and it is important to be attracted to your significant other.

The most important reason being, if you’re not attracted to her, you’ll most likely be attracted to someone else! Unless you are an asexual plant… This will never be good for a marriage, as you’ll always be looking outside of the relationship.

It sounds to me like you confused this friendship for a romantic relationship, but don’t guilt yourself into being with someone you are not satisfied with merely because you think it’s the right thing to do. If it were right, it would feel right 100% and you wouldn’t question it.
 
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