Is refusing to adopt against wedding vows?

[waitingonmiracl]

My husband and I tried to have a child for almost 5 yrs. he refuses to agree to adoption. we have tried counseling and he is very adament in his decision. he says our wedding vow was " to be open to children and not to adoption". My argument is, " if we cannot have children through nature, we need to open to other options". I feel he is not honoring his wedding vows by not agreeing to allow us to adopt and he does not feel that way. Please give me your opions. I wonder if any other couple has gone through this. I have been praying about this but am about out of prayers.

 

[1ke]

Adoption is an act of charity. It is not a requirement of marriage.

Your husband is not breaking his wedding vows. Yes, you should be open to investigating other options, but that doesn’t mean you must adopt or that he must agree to adopt.

Has he given you his reasons for not wanting to adopt (there are many reasons why adoption is not for everyone)?

You need to work through the issue together, with a professional counselor or priest if necessary.

 

[Rand_Al_Thor]

Why does he not want to adopt? Obviously the two of you want children and seem to be unable to have them. What is it about adoption?

Adopting means having children, just not physically. I would say that comes pretty close to breaking the wedding vows.

In Christ,
Rand

 

[waitingonmiracl]

thanks for the replies. My husband says he is now too old to have children ( he is almost 41 yr old ). I think he is just afraid of the unknown. He complains about the cost too, although we do have the money . We have gone to counseling .

 

[LilyM]

Lots of reasons people don’t want to adopt - some just don’t feel able to love or rear a child who isn’t biologically their own. Remember even the sainted Joseph felt the same way - he was ready to divorce Mary rather than accept Jesus who wasn’t biologically his child, so we can’t be too hard on someone who feels this way.

Don’t assume, by the way, that because God told Joseph to accept Jesus that this couple must similarly adopt a child who isn’t their own biologically. Joseph and Jesus were unique instances.

Remember too that the wedding vows require a couple to accept the children that God gives THEM, nothing in there saying they must adopt the children God has given to others if they can’t have any of their own.

 

[aurora77]

It’s not a violation of your wedding vows. You pledged to be open to life, not to have children at any cost. Your marriage should be the first priority of you both, not having children.

I can relate to what you’re experiencing. DH and I are discerning whether adoption is for us. We’ve gone so far as to complete our homestudy. DH is 42 and definitely has concerns about his age and future ability to provide for our family. In order for your marriage, or any future adoption to work, you both need to be on the same page. If he’s adamantly opposed to adoption right now, pushing the issue isn’t going to help. Give him time, keep praying. Maybe this is God’s way of saying “not now.”

One option we’re thinking more about is foster care. We actually got our foster care license, intending to adopt out of the system. We’ve been thinking that we could foster a baby or child and if a good match is made, then consider adoption. Have you considered going this route?

 

[Chaldean_Rite]

thanks for the replies. My husband says he is now too old to have children ( he is almost 41 yr old ). I think he is just afraid of the unknown. He complains about the cost too, although we do have the money . We have gone to counseling .

I’m sorry that you have not been able to have children thus far. Some are called to be Spiritual parents, others, adoption.

God bless you and your vocation.

 

[allhers]

Remain open to children and don’t ever give up your prayers. I know a couple who was Married for almost 6 years before they were blessed with their first child and neither of them had done anything to prevent children in their Marriage. God’s will be done. I will keep you in my prayers too. (I believe I told you before that my own father was 46 when I was conceived.)

 

[sbriton]

I agree this is not a violation of the wedding vows. If that were the case then we’d either have many billions more people on the planet from folks trying to be good Catholics, or many billions of endangered souls because good Catholics weren’t adopting as many kids as they possibly could.

During our courtship in our early 20’s (this was in the mid 80’s) my wife and I always talked about having lots of kids, even adopting a couple when we got older. After having our first surviving child, a daughter, (lost two before her, pre-birth) my wife’s behaviour began to change in a very bad way. She was very angry all the time, yelling at our toddler daughter, rarely played with her, didn’t like taking her to the park or anywhere else. Once in awhile she would mellow out and try to act like a Mom but it just didn’t suit her. We are now both in our early 40’s. We found out about 10 years ago that Mom suffered from severe, chronic depression ever since her childhood (she lost her father when she was 12). Since then she’s been taking Prozac and has found out how to be a good Mom. She’s very loving to our daughter now (17) and they talk a lot about the past but she has no interest in any more children. I’m open to it although I admit our life plans no longer include other children. We have never used contraception since our early years before we got serious about our faith.

I will say it’s been a heartbreaking time as I always hoped since I was a young teen to have a large family. Even today I feel great sorrow for not having more children or at least a sibling for our daughter. My wife does not feel the same. We still won’t contracept but our sex life is greatly diminished because of this fear of having more kids. I’m okay with it, I still love her very much and when I said my vows I meant it. Until death do we part.

I don’t believe my wife, or us as a couple, are guilty of violating our vows. We are still open to God’s little miracles, just not actively.

Sorry for the long post. It felt good to type this all out. My prayers go out for you and your husband.

Simon

 

[GFarmer]

thanks for the replies. My husband says he is now too old to have children ( he is almost 41 yr old ). I think he is just afraid of the unknown. He complains about the cost too, although we do have the money . We have gone to counseling .

I am 47 & adopted. I am #1 of 8 children, first 3 adpoted!

We have 3 children, G20, B16 & G11. Do children cost a lot? Sure they are worth it!

Since I am adopted, about 3 year’s ago we seriously discussed adopting. At that time my wife a full time farmer had been accepted into a leadership class that was a major 2 year commitment. We decided at the time to not pursue it. I still think seriously about adopting. I don’t think we are to old and children would certainly be more affordable today for us then 20 years ago!
Also oddly I think we would have more time & for sure more resources to provide to them.

At your age you certainly would be more mature & stable than those half your age!

 

[peary]

My husband and I tried to have a child for almost 5 yrs. he refuses to agree to adoption. we have tried counseling and he is very adament in his decision. he says our wedding vow was " to be open to children and not to adoption". My argument is, " if we cannot have children through nature, we need to open to other options". I feel he is not honoring his wedding vows by not agreeing to allow us to adopt and he does not feel that way. Please give me your opions. I wonder if any other couple has gone through this. I have been praying about this but am about out of prayers.

**There is nothing in wedding vows that stipulates not to be open to adoption. Adoption is an act of selfless charity in which an infant or child is brought into a Christian home to be raised and loved as one’s own.

I think the reason your husband loathes adoption is deep. Some men feel that it is a failure of their masculinity not being able to father a child. Others are too self-centered to think of anyone except themselves.

In any event, you need to talk to a marriage counselor or priest about what all of this entails.**

 

[BlaineTog]

No, there’s no requirement to adopt if you can’t have children. Adoption is purely elective.

Lots of reasons people don’t want to adopt - some just don’t feel able to love or rear a child who isn’t biologically their own. Remember even the sainted Joseph felt the same way - he was ready to divorce Mary rather than accept Jesus who wasn’t biologically his child, so we can’t be too hard on someone who feels this way.

Joseph was probably more concerned with marrying someone who looked like she was running around and having sex with people she wasn’t married to. Not that I disagree with your overall conclusion, but still

 

[aurora77]

I’ve got to take exception to this. Adoption is a special calling–it’s not self centered if this is not your calling. Sure there may be people who don’t adopt or don’t give birth to children for selfish reasons, but there are good, valid reasons not to do either of these things as well. Let’s not assume the worst about her DH.

 

[peary]

I’ve got to take exception to this. Adoption is a special calling–it’s not self centered if this is not your calling. Sure there may be people who don’t adopt or don’t give birth to children for selfish reasons, but there are good, valid reasons not to do either of these things as well. Let’s not assume the worst about her DH.

**Nothing against her as she wants to consider adoption, but her husband is against it, falling on “wedding vows” as an explanation, as lame as that is.

I’ve known couples who have run the whole gamut of in vitro fertilization, and some of them were unsuccessful. The idea of adoption never occurred to them, however, until they began looking into it. But they did it together; there was none of this “wedding vows” nonsense, and both were open to such a gift from God.

There are no valid reasons not to be open to life.

So, I disagree with you.**

 

[aurora77]

There are no valid reasons not to be open to life.

If they aren’t contracepting, they are open to life. If that’s not good enough, perhaps the Chuch needs to clarify this. Could you show documentation that couples must adopt if they are infertile or sterile?

 

[peary]

If they aren’t contracepting, they are open to life. If that’s not good enough, perhaps the Chuch needs to clarify this. Could you show documentation that couples must adopt if they are infertile or sterile?

**Who said anything about the Catholic Church requiring couples to adopt? Show me where in any of my posts that was stated.

I SAID that adoption is a great selfless charity for the couple; hence, it is something that is pleasing to God and is a great grace for those who extend their parenthood in this way.

Do not add extraneous thoughts to what I have posted on the matter. And there is no reason for you to be so argumentive on the subject, which I close after the period.**

 

[BlaineTog]

Who said anything about the Catholic Church requiring couples to adopt? Show me where in any of my posts that was stated.

You implied fairly strongly that you thought the couple that cannot have a child naturally is obligated to adopt by disagreeing with aurora77 when s/he said that they aren’t.

 

[peary]

You implied fairly strongly that you thought the couple that cannot have a child naturally is obligated to adopt by disagreeing with aurora77 when s/he said that they aren’t.

**Show me where in my posts that I said or implied that a couple that cannot have a child is obligated to adopt. **

 

[Seatuck]

**Show me where in my posts that I said or implied that a couple that cannot have a child is obligated to adopt. **

First of all your bold writing comes off in an authoritative sort of way. Why are you using bold? That is not normal conversational written tone. It is certainly possible to misconstrue as argumentative on your part.

Second, there is an implication in your post that there is something defective about a person and possibly morally wrong when they do not wish to adopt. Not saying you mean to convey this but that is how it is coming off.

 

[stbruno]

My own mother could not conceive…my best friend could not conceive. They are of 2 different generations. And what they both did, decades apart of their own volition was to do a novena to our Blessed Mother, asking for her intercession. My mother had 2 children after she completed her novena. My friend whose mother also helped with the novena conceived 5 times, two years apart. Many times, we fail to recognize the power of prayer in our lives. Rather than start a rift in your couple relationship, ask your spouse to do a novena with you. Prayer works miracles. Include your prayer request on the prayer thread of this forum and more people will add their prayers with you. Ask also for intercession of St.Gerard Magella. You will be in my prayers.