Is sexual purity relative?

[EstherTherese]

I’m 20 and recently entered a relationship with someone I very much admire. Although I’ve very cradle Catholic, he’s the son of a Lutheran pastor and Catholic mother. He is confirmed Lutheran and very involved in his church.
He gives me a lot of respect and treats me well. I’ll be studying abroad for 5 months and he was more than willing to keep committed for long distance.

However, he’s had quite the rebellious past. He told me that he’s had a lot of experiences with drugs (which he now abstains from) and is not a virgin.
I told him that I am very committed to chastity (not just virginity) before marriage. He admitted that my stance was hard for him to hear, but he is willing to honor it.

I really do think that he respects my views. For the first month we were going out, the most he did was kiss me on the cheek. Afterwards, he even asked me if that made me feel uncomfortable.

Even with these signs, I cannot help the worry that I will stray/ am starying from my chaste views and promises with him. He is the first man I “made out” with and embraced so intimately .The last time I saw him was the last night before leaving for my study abroad. We do not deliberately try to stimulate each other sexually, but it’s impossible to not be aroused the least bit when we our both laying down, embracing and kissing one another. And for quite a long period. Knowing that I was not going to physically see him for a long time, a lot of this was emotionally charged.

When I talk about these things and worry if I’m going “too far,” my friends laugh and call me “sheltered.”
However, I am worried that I am leading my boyfriend away from holiness.

Does one’s conception of sexual purity just depend on their situation? I am very firm on being chaste and abstaining from acts that are done purely out of sexual pleasure. However, am I down a path of mortal sin?

 

[1ke]

No, it is not relative.

And, yes, you have started down the slope because your boyfriend is not ocmmitted to chastity. You really need to reconsider a non-Catholic boyfriend, this is the first of many issues you will face.

 

[EstherTherese]

And, yes, you have started down the slope because your boyfriend is not ocmmitted to chastity. You really need to reconsider a non-Catholic boyfriend, this is the first of many issues you will face.

Oh, wow. This was quite straight-to-the-point. I found many users on Catholic Answers who were committed to non-Catholics. Is his religion really the main issue?

 

[Ellyakamommy]

No, it’s not relative. It’s just that you’ll have to look far and wide for those that are as deeply committed.

 

[pwlj_christ87]

as a guy i would say stay true to yourself and if it is meant to be then he will mold himself to be the person that is up to your position on this , i am not saying he is a bad guy or to cut him off but if you need to talk to him or tae a step back and re analyze then do so because you do NOT want regret or to give up such a precious virtue like chastity , i will pray for you

 

[LegoGE1947]

No, it’s not relative. It’s just that you’ll have to look far and wide for those that are as deeply committed.

I heard a Protestant speaker once refer to “secondary virginity” where if one is engaged in pre-marital relationships that person can quit for a time and achieve “secondary virginity.” Has anyone else ever heard of this? (The speaker’s name was Edwin Louis Cole)

 

[MidnightSun12]

Marriage is a holy sacrament just like confession, the eucharist, and confirmation. What all these sacraments have in common is that they are supposed to bring us closer to God and make us into better Catholics! If a boyfriend is not pushing you to become a better Catholic, then I can pretty much guarantee it’s not God’s Will for you two to be together.

Source - lxoa.wordpress.com/2010/09/01/a-catechism-on-vocations/

Q. Are mixed [faith] marriages vocations?
A. Not from God. Mixed marriages are suggested by “the world, the flesh and the devil,” the three great enemies of man’s salvation.

Who ever heard of a person entering mixed marriage because his conscience told him that God gave him avocation to that state, or because he was convinced that God chose for him that state in order that he might sanctify himself therein and avoid damnation?

Read again the story of Tobias, and the seven husbands of Sara, who were strangled to death by the devil because of the unworthiness of their motives. Those who enter mixed marriages evidently “shut out God from themselves and from their mind;” they do not follow a vocation from God; they exclude the will of God. How, then, can they be excepted from the class of persons of whom the Holy Ghost says: “Over them the devil hath power”?

The Church speaks very plainly on this subject, and teaches that mixed marriages are forbidden; and Christ said of the Church: “He that heareth you heareth Me; and he that despiseth you, despiseth Me.”

Q. Why, then, does the Church grant dispensations in this matter?
A. For the same reason that a prudent mother would prefer to see a wayward daughter do a bad thing than a worse thing. What parent would not prefer to see a child sick than dead? There is some hope for the life of a man hanging over a precipice and clinging even to a handful of grass, but there is no hope when his brains are dashed out on the rocks beneath.

When persons have fully made up their minds to enter mixed marriage, they are so blinded by their passions and preferences that, if the Church should not tolerate their step, many of them would marry out of the Church, and thus commit mortal sin, and in most cases incur excommunication.

The only difference, then, is this: There is at least a possible hope of salvation when mixed marriages are tolerated by the Church; whereas, if these persons should die in their rebellion against the Church, their damnation would be certain.

The Church, like a prudent mother, would prefer the less of these two evils.

That’s not to say that this man will not one day convert to the faith (maybe you’ll even be the one who helps him make that move in his life), but this conversion needs to happen outside of matrimony and most likely even a relationship.

My prayers are with you here.

 

[boldlygo]

I heard a Protestant speaker once refer to “secondary virginity” where if one is engaged in pre-marital relationships that person can quit for a time and achieve “secondary virginity.” Has anyone else ever heard of this? (The speaker’s name was Edwin Louis Cole)

I’ve heard of it, but its been a long time…40+ years…probably a reaction to the “free sex” 60’s.

 

[hotdiggity]

no, it is not relative.

you need a guy who will respect your decision to remain chaste as his own. you need a guy who will work to protect your (and his) chastity by taking the reins, so to speak, and not allow the situation to progress to the point you have described, laying down together and kissing for extended periods of time. you need a guy who holds your decision to remain chaste up for all to see, as something to be proud of…

chastity, purity, is never relative…it is always black and white.

 

[Kelfa28]

Oh, wow. This was quite straight-to-the-point. I found many users on Catholic Answers who were committed to non-Catholics. Is his religion really the main issue?

You’ll also find a huge number of posts where faith is the biggest problem within marriage. People who marry someone outside of their faith come on here and post just how problematic their marriage is.
They feel unfulfilled and in constant conflict with their spouse who doesn’t agree with their form of faith (or no faith at all).

I agree with 1ke. Marriage is tough enough…why go into it knowing it’s obvious you don’t agree with each other’s faith? This is something your children will be exposed to…BTW, you as a Catholic, must raise your children Catholic. How would he feel about that?

Can it work? Sure…anything is possible, I suppose. But I would not recommend it. My husband and I don’t agree on a number of things…but the biggest aspect of both of our lives we do agree on and that is where we stand when it comes to God and His Church.

 

[EstherTherese]

I know this is probably the wrong question to ask, but it’s been eating away at me.

Have I already gave up my chastity with my actions?

I’m planning on going to confession regardless.
I feel like I betrayed myself a bit. My justification was unsound. It felt like so many people on my campus (I go to a Catholic college that’s considered very conservative) “hook up” regularly. At my school, “hooking up” usually means passionate kissing. I was always a bit appalled at the action, since it was with purely out of lust and utility. I told myself that this was with someone I genuinely cared about and who was going to keep committed to me whether or not physical contact was there (and won’t be for half a year).

Now I fear that I breached into mortal sin.

 

[VirtusTransitus]

I cannot speak to the purity focus, although I’d offer a quick opinion: you are human and God knows you are tempted and will struggle. Go to confession, even if you are unsure. But do not beat yourself up for being human. You sound like an incredibly earnest and devout person. Give yourself credit (modestly).

As for marriages out of the faith, I would offer that you should have many detailed discussions about that topic with your boyfriend. Pursue every angle. Write letters to each other expressing the fullness of your views. Don’t compromise passively by avoiding the details. You’ll regret it later.

 

[The_Bucket]

I know this is probably the wrong question to ask, but it’s been eating away at me.

Have I already gave up my chastity with my actions?

I’m planning on going to confession regardless.
I feel like I betrayed myself a bit. My justification was unsound. It felt like so many people on my campus (I go to a Catholic college that’s considered very conservative) “hook up” regularly. At my school, “hooking up” usually means passionate kissing. I was always a bit appalled at the action, since it was with purely out of lust and utility. I told myself that this was with someone I genuinely cared about and who was going to keep committed to me whether or not physical contact was there (and won’t be for half a year).

Now I fear that I breached into mortal sin.

There’s no such thing as “giving up your chastity.” Chastity is a virtue one tries to live out every day, it’s not a possession kept or given up. If you’re worried about mortal sin, just tell the priest in confession what went down and then leave it there.

We all fail to live up to our own expectations and own creeds. The key is are you willing to get back up and accept God’s love or do you want to retreat from Him into shame or anger? None of us can tell you if you committed a mortal sin. And since we weren’t there, we can’t tell you if it’s even grave matter. I think 1ke is right that you started down a slippery slope. So just stop going down it, confess whatever sin you have and move on.

As for interreligious relationships or marriages, I don’t know what to say. It can be tough. But marrying people of the same faith is not anywhere close to a guarantee about anything.

 

[EstherTherese]

I cannot speak to the purity focus, although I’d offer a quick opinion: you are human and God knows you are tempted and will struggle. Go to confession, even if you are unsure. But do not beat yourself up for being human. You sound like an incredibly earnest and devout person. Give yourself credit (modestly).

As for marriages out of the faith, I would offer that you should have many detailed discussions about that topic with your boyfriend. Pursue every angle. Write letters to each other expressing the fullness of your views. Don’t compromise passively by avoiding the details. You’ll regret it later.

Thank you for the kind words. The “beating yourself up” is a personality flaw. In my last 3 confessions, each priest suggest I go to counseling because of the self-hatred and sadness they detected while confessing my sins. I feel that this online Catholic community (and probably myself) condones how I interact with my boyfriend, but the rest of my friends would find it normal/harmless. I know I shouldn’t listen to the world, but the distinction becomes difficult.

One essential detail I left out was that I have really only been seeing him since October (so 2 months at most.). That probably makes my intimacy with him a bit more questionable. But I mention this because it’s also a bit early to speak of marriage.

 

[The_Bucket]

Thank you for the kind words. The “beating yourself up” is a personality flaw. In my last 3 confessions, each priest suggest I go to counseling because of the self-hatred and sadness they detected while confessing my sins. I feel that this online Catholic community (and probably myself) condones how I interact with my boyfriend, but the rest of my friends would find it normal/harmless. I know I shouldn’t listen to the world, but the distinction becomes difficult.

One essential detail I left out was that I have really only been seeing him since October (so 2 months at most.). That probably makes my intimacy with him a bit more questionable. But I mention this because it’s also a bit early to speak of marriage.

I think you mean condemns, not condones. At any rate, this forum does not seek to condemn anyone. We’re all human here. We know the Church’s doctrine to varying degrees, but does that mean we all live it out perfectly day after day? HAH! I can assure you that I do not.

I can tell you that I was in a similar situation with my wife back when we dated. We went to colleges 1,000 miles apart. Saw each other once every five or six weeks. Sometimes it was during break when we’d be back in our hometown or when we’d visit the other at their schools. Yeah there was some making out. Yeah it was probably too much. Yeah I went to confession about it. The priest acknowledged that it was sinful, though he couldn’t tell me to what degree, and said we should probably cool it down so we didn’t approach the lines of touching things that should not have been touched.

At any rate, you’re tempted like anyone else. Do your best; don’t intentionally put yourself in situations where you’re set up to fall. You should be comfortable and secure with your boyfriend, not worrying if he’s a temptation. And the same goes for him too! That’s really hard before marriage, but it’s doable. If you do something you think is wrong, confess it, discuss it with your boyfriend and move on. Because once it’s confessed, it’s over. You need to have contrition and the desire not to sin anymore. You can’t presume God’s grace and forgiveness. But you should avail yourself of it and take comfort in knowing that His love is eternal and He’ll never reject you even if you think you SHOULD be rejected. Because you’re the one that’s wrong about that.

 

[EstherTherese]

I think you mean condemns, not condones. At any rate, this forum does not seek to condemn anyone. We’re all human here. We know the Church’s doctrine to varying degrees, but does that mean we all live it out perfectly day after day? HAH! I can assure you that I do not.
/QUOTE]

Right, yeah. I need to remember His mercy and unconditional love. Talking about this with my boyfriend won’t be easy. (Feels kind of odd to bring it up knowing I won’t see him for more than half a year, but I guess it’s necessary).

It’s words like “using another for sexual pleasure” or “deadly sin” that I’ve seen in articles about purity that make me devolve into fear (which is not fruitful). Or maybe I’m making excuses.