Is she too young for me?

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There should be a: it depends option. In general I would say that’s a no no. :nope: :tsktsk:

But, I have a couple of friends who married at 18, I was shocked at time, although their maturity was quite above average (by far above my maturity at the time). Almost 8 years later that’s one of the happiest couples I know on earth. One of them is my best friend and he discloses to me how they handle many daily issues and I just get in awe (they are quite communicative to each other). So it depends and as you said that her father inquired you I lean to think that after she turns 18 I would reflect.
 
Being 17 myself, I’ll tell you that she is too young. If a 28 year old man approached me with the intentions of dating, I would be very creeped out. My parents would also make sure that the guy never came within 500 feet of me.

It doesn’t matter how mature she seems to be, because you two are at different life stages right now. Seventeen is much different than 28. She’s probably still in high school while you’re old enough to be out of college for several years. Your interests are also probably different. If she were 27 and you were 38, then that would be a different story. You’d likely be on more similar levels by that point.
 
I agree with the PPs. The problem is not primarily the “age difference”; in about 5-10 years that will be moot. The problem is to do with where the two of you are at in terms of life experience.

A 17-year-old is likely still in high school. She is still very strongly influenced by her family and the people that she has known for long periods of time. Likely her social circle is somewhat limited, given her age. However, once she goes to college/work, her social circle and life experiences will expand exponentially. She will be at a point where she has to manage her own household, cook her own meals, buy her own groceries, and pay her own bills. She will be allowed to make independent decisions for herself that affect only the people in her household - namely her; she won’t have to defer to other family members. This is a HUGE step to take as a young person. TBH I have always had a serious problem with people going immediately from their parents’ home to a marital home. At the end of the day, even if you are paying rent, you are still living in someone else’s home - and you are not the one primarily responsible to see that things get done. It’s a HUGE adjustment to move from that to running a household on your own - and if you’re trying to figure out the husband/wife thing at the same time, it’s an even bigger adjustment. (Please note, I recognize that back in the day it was common for people to be in this situation. However, in modern Western society, I think it’s best that people have the opportunity to figure these things out first - particularly because there are far more pitfalls and traps for people to fall into, especially in terms of finances.)

At your age, I expect that you’re likely almost finished college (if not already) and are getting into the work world. That’s okay - that’s where you’re at in life. But look at it this way - if you date for even 2 years before getting married, she will probably be just starting her career or have a year or two left of college. Again, in this day and age I think it’s almost essential that a woman have some employable skills even if she is married. Even if divorce is not an option, there is nothing to say that someday you might not become disabled (or worse) and she will have to become the primary breadwinner for the family. By the time you get married, she will just be starting her adult life - and you will have already been an adult for several years, with a career/job well established.

I recognize that there are some people who are ready to marry that young, but my experiences of knowing people who have been married that young is that most of these marriages tend to end unhappily. (One woman who was married at 19 and had her marriage end badly told me that she would NEVER recommend that anyone get married at that age - I was 19 at the time, but fortunately was not planning on getting married.) For the sake of yourself and your future spouse, please consider dating someone else - or, if it is God’s Will that you two should be together, please wait a few years before approaching her.

For the record: I am 29, married happily for 2.5 years with a 9-year-old stepdaughter from DH’s first marriage (annulled). DH is 32.
 
I voted wrong as well. I voted no and then re-read. The vote stands at yes, it is inappropriate.
 
She is too young for you. There is a huge difference between the life experience and priorities of a high school girl and the life experience and priorities of a man in his late 20’s. There is a lot of growing up that happens between 17 and 27. She isn’t even out of high school, much less college. No matter how mature she seems, she is still very naive simply because she has never done things like have a regular job, go to college, live on her own, etc. Age differences aren’t as big of a deal among most adults because they are all in roughly similar or close enough places in adulthood. All of these things are important things that would be very good to have in common. They are the things that make the difference between say, 27 and 37 okay. Both the 27 and 37 year old are on their own (or they should be). Stick to dating women that have finished college and are in similar places in life, and a decade from now if you are both still single then maybe it would be time to consider going on a date with her.
 
bben15 said:
I would say “yes.” A 17 year old is a girl, not a woman. She is in high school, and could still possibly be a brat. However, at this time it is unacceptable. But, when she is 28 and you are 39, it is acceptable.

Just think of it like this:

6 year old girl dating a 17 year old boy is child molestation.
17 year old girl dating a 28 year old man is just plain creepy.
28 year old woman dating 39 year old man is cute.

If I were you, I’d choose option C. A lot of parents would have a problem with option B. 👍
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Beautiful!👍
 
1ke said:
A seventeen year old is not a woman. So, stop fooling yourself here.
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That depends. Some teens are very immature and some are quite mature and sure of what they want from life.
Lost_Sheep said:
Someday you will be 91 and she will be 80. No one would have a problem with it then, so why should they have problem no?

If she is mature for her age and her parents don’t disapprove, why not?
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I agree. If the young lady is interested in you, too, and is mature for her age and her parents approve I see nothing wrong with dating her provided you are a gentleman. Take things slow, really get to know each others core personality traits and views, be careful not to stifle her, encourage her in her life goals, and see if a marriage in the future is what you both want.

I believe in the “campsite rule” of dating younger people. It’s ok provided you leave the younger person in the same or better shape than they were in when you got there.

As a little aside, I was 17 and dated a friend of my parents who happened to be 28 at the time. I turned 18 and he 29. The relationship didn’t work out for reasons that had nothing to do with the age difference and everything to do with wanting to live different lifestyles. The big problem was that he didn’t “believe in marriage” and I wasn’t willing to live with him, have a baby or two with him, and not be married first. We remained friends until his death a few years ago. My relationship with him, even though it didn’t work out, is a treasured memory.

My Aunt L was a friend of mine in Junior High School. She had a baby at 14 ( :eek:) and ended up living with my parents. My fathers older brother met her, fell in love with her, moved her and her son into his home when she was a few months shy of her 18th birthday, tried to convince her mother to sign for them to marry, and ended up marrying her right after she turned 18. They had 3 more children together and have been married for a little over 20 years now. There is a 19 year and few month age gap, but they’ve been happy together.
 
If you have honorable intentions there is nothing wrong with an older man courting a younger woman.
 
His_helpmeet said:
I agree with the PPs. The problem is not primarily the “age difference”; in about 5-10 years that will be moot. The problem is to do with where the two of you are at in terms of life experience.
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Actually the age difference can remain a bit of a point all through. My brother is nearly 50 and his wife is 39 going on 40. For eg., he is beginning to think in terms of retirement planning which she finds a bit premature as we often do at 39. They are smallish things I suppose, but with a 10/11 year age gap, there is always that issue of not sharing the same stage of life experiences.
 
Be very careful about this. Dating, her being 17 and you 28 that may be statutory rape. If herparents find out aand she is still 17 they can charge you with statutory rape. I would say let her get a little older. Go to college etc. In the meantime remain ONLY friends (nothing else) so you can get to know each other better and after you have been friends for a couple of years and she has been into college then reconsider dating. But for now no no no.
 
AllSeasons said:
Not when the woman is still a minor!! There is NOTHING honorable about that.
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There is nothing dishonorable about that as long as everythings on the up and up, parents now and approve, and there is no sexual contact, which there shouldn’t be anyway.
marymary1975 said:
Be very careful about this. Dating, her being 17 and you 28 that may be statutory rape. If herparents find out aand she is still 17 they can charge you with statutory rape. I would say let her get a little older. Go to college etc. In the meantime remain ONLY friends (nothing else) so you can get to know each other better and after you have been friends for a couple of years and she has been into college then reconsider dating. But for now no no no.
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Having two daughters, one 20 and the other 15, I have done extensive research on this topic and have had to make a few calls to the local police to ask questions. Legally, an adult may date a minor as long as there is no sexual contact before the minor reaches the legal age of consent. If the adult crosses the line and there is sexual contact then the adult could be looking at Statutory Rape or Criminal Sexual Conduct charges. At that point, it really depends on the local prosecutor.

I have noticed quite a few people mentioning waiting until the young lady is in or has finished college. We seem to forget that not all young women desire a college education. Some are happy with a certificate from a trade school. Others have no desire for any education beyond High School or to have a career outside of the home. It’s entirely possible this young lady wants nothing more than to be a wife and mother.
 
Do you think you’d be able to not fall into a “father figure” rut? Would you be able to let her pursue activities, interests, and friends her own age and not snub them for being “immature”? Would you be able to respect and honor her as your equal (or would you see her always as the cute little kid who needs paternalistic guidance)? Would you be able to let her develop herself rather than holding yourself as the model to be molded into with your established interests, positions on various issues, etc.? Are you willing to keep fit so as to reduce risks of an earlier preventable demise? Just some questions that come to mind after observing the match made between a friend at 18 with a 40-something year old.
 
How old was Mary when she was betrothed to Joseph? How old was Joseph?🤷
 
HereAmI said:
How old was Mary when she was betrothed to Joseph? How old was Joseph?🤷
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Many believe him to be vigorous and young when betrothed to Our Lady, but portrayed in art as an old man to indicate his chastity. It would have been a lot harder for an tottering old fellow to be trotting around foreign countries to escape Herod and provide for a young family. We don’t really know how old either of them were, but we do know that marriage as an **equal partnership of life **can be difficult with great age disparity because of the temptation to treat the other as someone one must guide. It is also true that throughout centuries, lust with a predilection for the young has surfaced. Old men wanting fresh young maidens and the perverts wanting fresh young boys… Younger spouses are easier to control, manipulate, and mold.
 
MJJean said:
There is nothing dishonorable about that as long as everythings on the up and up, parents now and approve, and there is no sexual contact, which there shouldn’t be anyway.
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calico2013 said:
In many states women can marry at 16 with parental permission.
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By that logic, there’s nothing wrong with an 80-year-old marrying a 16-year-old, either. Last time I checked, we do not live in Afghanistan.
 
I came across as very mature at 17. I lived independently at that point in my life (graduated high school early.) Almost ten years later I look back at myself and laugh at how “grown up” I thought I was (though maybe I’ll do the same in my thirties about my twenties.)

Even the most mature teenager is still a lot less mature than he or she will be in a few years.
 
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