is "steady dating" really a sin?

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I was reading the Teenage guide for confession, and in the “fornication” section, it said that “steady dating”(placing oneself in the near occasion of sin by dating the same person steadily w/ no intent for marriage within approx. 12-18 months)was a sin. I’m a sophomore in college, and have been dating my boyfriend for 2 months. I don’t want to get married until I have graduated with atleast my bachelor’s, so I have 3 years to go. So am I really sinning b/c I don’t want to marry my boyfriend in 12-18 months?
 
It *could *be, but as you get older you are in a position to marry so may not be in your case. This may be directed more towards younger teens, not college age.

This isn’t black and white-- it is about where the relationship is headed, what it may be leading you to do together, etc.
 
I think the better you get to know someone, the better chance for a stable marriage. It takes longer than 18 months to get to know someone. Especially when you are meeting someone whose family lives across the country and who is a virtual stranger.

You want to see if that person is capable of being chaste for long periods. What they are like over the long term. Or you could walk down the aisle and soon find that the person you didn’t steadily date is not the person you thought you married.

I think the sin comes from putting yourself in places and situations where it is hard to be chaste. Get to know this man in public places and around people.

Long ago such restrictions were better when people grew up in the same village and everyone knew everyone’s history. Nowadays it would be foolish to think otherwise. I don’t think that book is being very practical. My brother married his high school sweetheart. When he met her, he didn’t want to date anyone else. They spent six years dating through high school and college (chastely.) And their marriage is beautiful to see, after 11 years. On the other hand, I knew my spouse 18 months before I married him. And it was a complete disaster. And he left before our 7th anniversary.

Just my perspective.
 
I think the important part is “steady dating with no intent of marriage”. If you are open to the possibility of marrying whoever you’re dating, and you’re actively trying to discern if you’re meant to be together, even if you can’t get married within some arbitrary time limit, it’s okay. Just don’t date to date, and with no clear purpose in mind. I wouldn’t actively search anyone out unless you were ready to get married in the next 2 years, but if you happen to meet someone who seems like they might be ‘the one’, go for it, prayerfully.
 
I would think that the problems come up with the physical aspects. Let’s say that this is IT, this guy is The One. For the next three years (or two years, or whatever), the temptation toward sins of the flesh increases.

I’m not sold on the arbitrary time restrictions in your book. I think it has more to do about when the decision has been made that this is the man you want to marry, and then putting yourself in constant temptation by delaying that marriage.

On the other hand, one could argue that if you know you’re not even in the position to get married for years, why date someone steadily? Why even put yourself in the position to sin?

Of course, I’m assuming that this question is being posed by someone who is faithful to Church teachings and understands premarital sex as a sin. Heaven knows there’s plenty of people out there who don’t.
 
mary_opera_star said:
I was reading the Teenage guide for confession, and in the “fornication” section, it said that “steady dating”(placing oneself in the near occasion of sin by dating the same person steadily w/ no intent for marriage within approx. 12-18 months)was a sin. I’m a sophomore in college, and have been dating my boyfriend for 2 months. I don’t want to get married until I have graduated with atleast my bachelor’s, so I have 3 years to go. So am I really sinning b/c I don’t want to marry my boyfriend in 12-18 months?
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Can you please tell me the title and author of this “confession” book?
 
I tend to think the issue is the high risk for sexual sin with an activity that is pointless. The problem is life has changed a lot and courting customs have not caught up. In the proceeding couple of generations high school was the end of education for most and then entering the work force and having a family was next. The debate on whether it’s a good attitude or not is another subject, but it is assumed that every high school student will go off to college and that is increasingly the reality. Marriage is, of course, not possible for minors in the vast, vast, majority of cases. After high school students go off their separate ways and very few people have much contact with classmates, let alone marry “high school sweethearts,” after graduation. Setting up these exclusive relationships, that by nature cannot go anywhere, is just playing with the fires of temptation. The natural progression of such a relationship should be towards marriage and normal sexual relations. As the marriage part is impossible there are only two chioces: pre-martial sex or the unneccessary frustration of being locked in a “holding pattern.” I know if I could go back I would have skipped the whole high school dating thing. With school, sports, activities, and all the other things going on during that part of a young person’s life the last thing they need is the frustration and “drama” that goes along with these pointless dating relationships.
For someone in college the issue is different, as marriage is possible. Though I’m fairly certain the best advice remains that if you are entering into exclusive dating relationships you either need to be open to marriage within a reasonable amount of time, and a 1 to 1.5 years is certainly reasonable, or avoid them. Again, it’s undo temptation to be locked into that holding pattern for years and years. It’s also unfair to have a boyfriend waiting in hopes of marrying you only to find out when you graduate from college your life plans have changed yet again and that doesn’t include him. Or in the reverse, for you to be waiting and after the period has finished him to decide he no longer wants to get married. As the purpose of dating is courting, of which the goal is marriage, there’s no point in doing it when you aren’t interested in accomplishing that goal. You don’t lace up your skates if you’re not looking for a hockey game…
 
I think it means living the Spirit of the Law, not some exact formula of years perse. What are you going to tell a guy you like? “We can start dating our Junior year, but not before then because we may fail.” Anyone can fail to be unchaste at anytime whether it be looks, thoughts, or actions. You are called to live chastity no matter what state in life. I am in grad school and do not intend to marry my girlfriend because we both have three years left in our programs and we could not take care of a child without her having to take time out of school and doing a residency after fourth year, we need to both get done at the same time. If I cannot live chastely three years before my marriage, how can I live chastely during my marriage. St. Paul had temptations of the flesh and Christ said his grace was sufficient. If you try to avoid situations that are tempting for you and keep an open dialogue about chastity, and pray about it, you can live chastely. It is not as if after a couple years of dating, a time bomb goes off and you fail. Yes, it won’t be easy, but living a Christian life isn’t and we encounter temptations of the flesh all the time, but we go on living.
Ultimately, if the relationship draws you closer to God and does not lead to sin, then I don’t believe we can say, you are sinning for dating this long because you are not ready to get married.
 
With this generation of teenagers, I have been told in no uncertain terms that a girl who goes out with lots of guys is a “ho.” So no matter how many times I tell them I’d rather they go out with one guy no more than three times in a row before they go out with another… nope. Not gonna happen. They do not want to be considered a ho.

What of the people who love each other and know they can’t get married till college is done? Do you break up? Set someone free to go out with someone who may not have his spiritual interests at heart? It’s not a black and white issue. Meanwhile, you could be getting to know someone very well.
 
Liberanosamalo said:
What of the people who love each other and know they can’t get married till college is done? Do you break up? Set someone free to go out with someone who may not have his spiritual interests at heart? It’s not a black and white issue. Meanwhile, you could be getting to know someone very well.
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There’s no reason, other than choice and fear of committment, that college students cannot marry. When you till someone I can’t marry you until college is done what you are saying is:
1.I want to keep you in lay way but I also want to keep my options open in case I meet someone else.
2.I want to make sure I can marry you if I want but I also want to be able to change my mind depending on my situation after college.

Much the same as these absurdly long engagments.
 
Or it means “I’m going to the US Naval Academy or West Point and I can’t marry you or they’ll kick me out.” (My brother’s situation.) Or “We both have tuition and classes, and until I’m not a student anymore and have a job where I can support a family, we do not belong living together as man and wife, because then that opens up the whole problem of having children that you can’t afford. Which then leads to birth control/masturbation issues.”

Not everyone can marry in college.
 
CCM08 said:
There’s no reason, other than choice and fear of committment, that college students cannot marry. When you till someone I can’t marry you until college is done what you are saying is:
1.I want to keep you in lay way but I also want to keep my options open in case I meet someone else.
2.I want to make sure I can marry you if I want but I also want to be able to change my mind depending on my situation after college.

Much the same as these absurdly long engagments.
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I have to disagree with you there because that is not what is necessarily the reason why two people do not marry in college. Many wait because they could not start to have a family then, but love each other very much. Sure things could change, but you risk that in any relationship; even one where you date for a year and want to get married the following year (believe me I know from experience). If you are meant to be and you follow God’s plan, then you will. If you aren’t, that can still be God’s plan as part of growing and learning. It is not like they are saying, I am leaving you on layaway till something better comes, if they are actively discerning marriage. It may last, it may not but even if it doesn’t, does not make it wrong.
 
Liberanosamalo said:
Or it means “I’m going to the US Naval Academy or West Point and I can’t marry you or they’ll kick me out.” (My brother’s situation.)
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Then it seems like your brother has more important things than dating relationships to worry about.
Or “We both have tuition and classes, and until I’m not a student anymore and have a job where I can support a family, we do not belong living together as man and wife, because then that opens up the whole problem of having children that you can’t afford. Which then leads to birth control/masturbation issues.”
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Not everyone can marry in college.
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If you aren’t ready to get married then you aren’t ready to date.
 
DailyBread said:
I have to disagree with you there because that is not what is necessarily the reason why two people do not marry in college. Many wait because they could not start to have a family then, but love each other very much. Sure things could change, but you risk that in any relationship; even one where you date for a year and want to get married the following year (believe me I know from experience). If you are meant to be and you follow God’s plan, then you will. If you aren’t, that can still be God’s plan as part of growing and learning. It is not like they are saying, I am leaving you on layaway till something better comes, if they are actively discerning marriage. It may last, it may not but even if it doesn’t, does not make it wrong.
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I don’t believe God mirco-manges people’s lives. If God wanted to do that He’d have created robots. He gave you free will so you could mirco-mange your own life. It’s interesting that God’s “plan” just happens to be whatever takes place. It’s simple, if you are a poor student that isn’t ready for getting married then you need to get your life in order before you worry about dating. Why go shopping if you can’t buy anything? At best it’s a waste of time, a worst it’s a recipe for sin.
 
mary_opera_star said:
I was reading the Teenage guide for confession, and in the “fornication” section, it said that “steady dating”(placing oneself in the near occasion of sin by dating the same person steadily w/ no intent for marriage within approx. 12-18 months)was a sin.
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What… the… :mad:
I’m a sophomore in college, and have been dating my boyfriend for 2 months. I don’t want to get married until I have graduated with atleast my bachelor’s, so I have 3 years to go. So am I really sinning b/c I don’t want to marry my boyfriend in 12-18 months?
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I believe you are not. Look at the alternative. Would it be meritorious to get yourself a second boyfriend? Or to dump your boyfriend after the 18th month?

Dump that guide instead. And avoid occasion to sin in your meetings, your contact, whatever you do with your boyfriend.

Some theologians apparently seem to think that having one boyfriend is occasion to mortal sin and thus a mortal sin, but having two boyfriends is perfectly fine. That’s stupid. They’re actually advocating polyamory.

If the lack of realistic possibility (or proximity) of marriage is an impediment to dating, then it’s an impediment to any kind of dating, not just steady. Non-steady dating looks at steady dating, which looks at engagement, which looks at marriage. By this logic, if steady dating is wrong because of lack of realistic possibility/proximity of marriage, then any dating should be wrong because of lack of realistic possibility/proximity of steady dating (resulting from lack of realistic possibility/proximity of marriage).

I don’t see why the remoteness in time of marriage should preclude steady dating, but not non-steady dating - especially at the same intensity, same kind of activities, etc. So, according to that book, it would be fine to kiss with 5 different boys but not with your boyfriend… but if you took up a random other boy for kissing, it would stop being wrong? Some people really think that. And this is scary. Really, really scary. They just seem to think everything becomes fine once you start doing it with more persons than just one. That’s just polyamory.

I can now see some parents saying, “oh, darling, surely you can kiss with John, but only if you kiss with Tom too.” Eeek.

And once again, for a good ending, allow me to reiterate that the same logic which invalidates steady dating should invalidate any dating. For even more of an effect, I would also like to point that non-exclusive involvement teaches wrong behaviours and wrong patterns. One can never marry several people. A multiple sexual partnership will never be available to a Catholic. Therefore a multiple romantic partnership should not be permissible, much less the norm. When those books start talking about exclusive dating and non-exclusive dating, they really ought to do a better job than suggesting that exclusivity or lack of it is the only difference. I really hope that they mean it mostly in terms of spending too much time with a person alone and in such circumstances as lead to sin (e.g. going here and there with different people as opposed to spending 5 hours a day alone with the same person of the opposite sex every day), not just the number of people. Otherwise it just goes bonkers and promotes polyamorous attitudes, I believe.
 
DailyBread said:
… You are called to live chastity no matter what state in life… If I cannot live chastely three years before my marriage, how can I live chastely during my marriage.

…Ultimately, if the relationship draws you closer to God and does not lead to sin, then I don’t believe we can say, you are sinning for dating this long because you are not ready to get married.
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Great post:thumbsup:

I cut out the 3 things that I think are the most important to remember.

God Bless,
Maria
 
I think right now CCMO8, you are making some general assumptions as if people who cannot marry appear to have things they need to straighten out. What do I as a medical student have to straighten out exactly? I cannot change the things that I have to do over the next couple years to graduate, nor do they need fixing. It’s part of life, that I am not failing at I would say (not trying to be prideful, just honest). I cannot make my time less, but doing a courtship as I am does not impede my performance in Med School (if anything it helps me a lot to keep sane).
Sure we have free will, but God works with our free will (even if we chose something evil) so his will is ultimately done. If I date for three years and it turns out we should not marry, it does not mean I wasted my time. From a previous long term relationship in college that did not work out, I am still grateful for having gone through it, because I learned a lot more what I am looking for in a future spouse and learned more about myself, and grew in my faith during that time. All good things God wanted me to learn.
So people who date long term are not necessarily dating just to have fun. They may meet the person God intends them to marry, but not then. It does not mean that long wait is worthless. Gorwing and maturing during that time can be real benefit and so long as the couple is not falling away from God and they have a good reason to wait, there is nothing wrong with that.
 
DailyBread said:
So people who date long term are not necessarily dating just to have fun.
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Hmm… if dating long-term is assumed to be dating for fun, then what exactly is dating short-term for?

I associate short-term dating or limited-time dating with dating just for fun, with happy kissing, multipartnership and the like.
 
I meant to answer CCM08 who believes that long term courtshis or dating can only mean that they are uncommitted and want to wait to see if anything better will come almost like toying with a person.
People may date short time and decide to get engaged soon after because it makes sense.
Ultimately, if people have a good reason and discerned this out, than lets not start saying exactly what amount of time is good and bad.
 
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