is "steady dating" really a sin?

[chevalier]

I meant to answer CCM08 who believes that long term courtshi[s or dating can only mean that they are uncommitted and want to wait to see if anything better will come almost like toying with a person.
People may date short time and decide to get engaged soon after because it makes sense.
Ultimately, if people have a good reason and discerned this out, than lets not start saying exactly what amount of time is good and bad.

That is absolutely correct. However, if we’re talking about people who can’t marry right now and who decide to date short-term, that can’t mean they date for a short while and then marry. That must mean they date for a short time, then they just break up and date someone else for another short period of time. And again. That kind of thing I believe to be wrong and I disagree with any theologian who claims it’s right, let alone preferable.
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[Liberanosamalo]

I really take issue with the condemnation of someone who has met the girl they love and want to spend their life with and the fact that they have other commitments to building the kind of career that would allow him to be a good husband and father, that it’s perceived as “he has other things to worry about.” No. He learned early to manage the emotional needs of his girlfriend and his rigorous academic schedule. They both learned self-control and virtue… the kind that they proved to each other during the dating so that when he was later deployed, they both trusted each other from long experience.

The fact that he was in no position to take on a wife and kids did not mean he was in no position to have an emotional relationship with the ONLY woman in his life he has ever loved. He learned delayed gratification and working toward a goal. These are all marriage building skills. He graduated, got his commission, and is a very successful Naval officer now. God bless him. I’m so proud of him. And they have a beautiful son.

What would you have had him do? Go to school and set her free to date other men who may not have respected her virtue as he did? Men who may have hurt her? (Oh, yes it happens a LOT. Many women don’t talk about it. But I know from my friends.)

Or marry before they had the job and career to support a family. And then end up like many young couples who break up over financial problems?

I profoundly disagree with that poster. And that marriage has lasted 11 years. And they show every hope of going to 50 because they weren’t the kind of people who wanted to play the field while they were young.

Because that’s the option you’re presenting to young couples.

Thank God many women are willing to wait for a man who was not in the immediate position to marry them. By the time my brother married his wife, he was 24. Statistics alone show that is a much better age for marriage stability than getting married at 19. Where I live, there are lots of 19 year olds getting married. Then they divorce when they’re 24.

My children look to my brother and his wife as their model for a successful courtship and marriage.

 

[Greg27]

I think so long as the intention for marriage along with refraining from actual sexual relations until then remains, and you don’t co-habit, then it is not against the moral laws of the church.

 

[goofyjim]

I think so long as the intention for marriage along with refraining from actual sexual relations until then remains, and you don’t co-habit, then it is not against the moral laws of the church.

I can agree with that.

 

[argeos]

Hello,

i don’t think dating someone without the intent of marriage or at least discerning if that person is the right one is part of the Catholic teaching.

Marriage and being ‘fiancee’ are parts of the Catholic Church. Anything else is simply friendship.

In my case, i do have lots of friends (girls). We do go to movies and do social activities. Many times i had the opportunity to have a ‘steady dating’ with one of them though the whole notion is senseless for me as a Catholic.

Whatever i need to know about that person and whatever she needs to know about me can be done in a friendship relationship.

If amongst my friends, i would had to focus on discernment leading to a potential marriage, i will ask a given lady to become my fiancee.

Cheers !

‘Argeos’

PS: I think there is a sin to date someone without a real purpose of discernment including real steps to do it. People were talking about 12-18 months and even years. It does not take so much to discern someone for marriage given you already know that person as a friend…After all, aren’t you supposed to marry your best friend ?

 

[DL82]

Where is it written that you can’t get married until you graduate?

Of course, ideally it might be good to be able to support yourselves financially, but there’s no problem theologically with marrying while still at college.

 

[Liberanosamalo]

Well, I don’t know about colleges, but the military academies have a rule against it. If you marry, you are disenrolled.

 

[DL82]

Well, I don’t know about colleges, but the military academies have a rule against it. If you marry, you are disenrolled.

I’ve never heard of that at a civilian college, in fact I would imagine it would be unlawful, as it discriminates against people based on their marital status, and therefore possibly on the grounds of their sexuality and their religion.

I know here in the UK it may have been the case 200 years ago that you actually had to be a Bachelor (i.e. an unmarried man) to study for a Bachelor’s degree, but that’s a long long long time ago.

 

[goofyjim]

I am 42 dating a girl of 40. We go out to eat, shop, take walks. But we do not set a timeline of 12-18 months for marriage. I see nothing wrong with that.

 

[thechrismyster]

. When you till someone I can’t marry you until college is done what you are saying is:
1.I want to keep you in lay way but I also want to keep my options open in case I meet someone else.
2.I want to make sure I can marry you if I want but I also want to be able to change my mind depending on my situation after college.

Much the same as these absurdly long engagments.

and whats the problem with that?? don’t go to the checkout until you’re sure of your purchase. there are no refunds or exchanges.

take your time, date lots of people and enjoy dating - there is nothing wrong with that … other advice on here is just bad advice.

 

[chevalier]

Hello,

i don’t think dating someone without the intent of marriage or at least discerning if that person is the right one is part of the Catholic teaching.

I agree, but that must also include non-exclusive dating, which means non-exclusive dating without intent of marriage, or when one is unable to marry etc, is wrong. And even more so than exclusive dating, since one cannot marry several persons.

Marriage and being ‘fiancee’ are parts of the Catholic Church. Anything else is simply friendship.

I understand where you’re coming from and there’s a lot of merit in that, but it’s not fully true. There is something before engagement (fiance/fiancee to each other) and that is not something you do with friends. For example, boyfriends and girlfriends kiss before engaging, while friends don’t normally - and they should not kiss romantically for the fun of it. Many people will say they can because there is nothing specific (litteral) in the Catechism or Canon Law to prohibit this, but that’s simply untrue. What I want to point out here is that those things which one does with a boyfriend or girlfriend are not “free” to do with friends.

In my case, i do have lots of friends (girls). We do go to movies and do social activities.

Same, but there’s a difference between that and dating. I have no problems going to a dance or something with a friend, but if it becomes romantic, it means it’s time to define it and become boyfriend and girlfriend, looking at engagement, or cut it if it won’t be. I regard multiple romantic involvements as inconsistent with nature, right reason and whatnot. Many friends but one girlfriend. And no friends with benefits.

Many times i had the opportunity to have a ‘steady dating’ with one of them though the whole notion is senseless for me as a Catholic.

You make it look like your social activities with them are dating, which they are not, unless the girls in question also call it dating. Otherwise you’re contradicting yourself.

Whatever i need to know about that person and whatever she needs to know about me can be done in a friendship relationship.

That is correct. However, physical expressions of romantic interest - or kissing, romantic hugging, holding hands and such things, if you prefer more explicit language - that’s something distinctly different from friendship and it’s not fine to do with friends as a pastime and a bonus to a friendly encounter. That would be something like friendship with benefits. And that is wrong. I’m not implying that you do that. I’m just stating it’s wrong to do.

If amongst my friends, i would had to focus on discernment leading to a potential marriage, i will ask a given lady to become my fiancee.

Does that mean that you actually stick to clear-cut friendship before you engage or does it mean that you have an undefined number of undefined relationships?

People were talking about 12-18 months and even years. It does not take so much to discern someone for marriage given you already know that person as a friend…

I disagree. My last relationship lasted 1.5 years, after 2.5 years of friendship, and in the end the girl decided she couldn’t be happy with me. And she had already known me more than most people before. Things just come out. Depends on specific couples. I’ll grant you that prolonged engagements between people who are able to marry each other do seem a bit odd.

After all, aren’t you supposed to marry your best friend ?

His name is Daniel and mine is Luke, so it’s not going to work.

 

[OSUbride0708]

There’s no reason, other than choice and fear of committment, that college students cannot marry. When you till someone I can’t marry you until college is done what you are saying is:
1.I want to keep you in lay way but I also want to keep my options open in case I meet someone else.
2.I want to make sure I can marry you if I want but I also want to be able to change my mind depending on my situation after college.

Much the same as these absurdly long engagments.

I am slightly offended by your ignorant statement. I have been dating my fiance since i was 16 years old. Neither of us is “keeping our options open”. We have had a committed relationship and talked of marriage since the point where we decided to make our blossoming friendship an exclusive dating relationship which was over 4 yrs ago. We would both love to be married already because we both feel as if we are ready to officially committ ourselves to one another. However, we are both not in the position to bring a child into this world. It has been very hard for the past probably yr and a half because I am SO excited about being married and most of all starting a family with the man I love. We are college students, getting by on student loans with work and classes all day long. I have one more year left of school and then I am done. I don’t know what I would do if we were married and I got pregnant. My closest family is 31/2 hrs away and I absolutely do not want to put my newborn in daycare. Therefore, we have decided to get married when we are ready to start a family. This, for us, is right after I graduate so that if I were to get pregnant right away we wouldnt have to worry about having strangers take care of our baby. I want to be completely open to life from the moment we are married so please don’t tell me we could use NFP. That may be an option in the future, but not when we are first married. Please let me know if there is something wrong with the way we are thinking? I assure you neither of us has been interested in keeping our options open for the past 5 years.