Is studying with her the right thing to do?

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lovedance4ever

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I’m in college, and I am taking Italian this semester. So far, my grades are really great…but here’s the problem.

Before the first quiz, one of my classmates asked if I would study with her. I agreed to do so, and we met at a local coffee shop to study. She is severely struggling in the class, and it turned into more of a tutoring session, which I did not really mind because I felt bad for her. After a few hours, she thanked me profusely, saying that she finally understood the material.

Several days later, we get our grades and she finds out that she failed it. After class, she goes up to the professor, begging him to let her re-take it, and stating that it was partially my fault because I confused her! I was furious, and embarrased. The professor laughed it off, because he knows that you cannot blame someone else for your mark on a test.

Two days before, she told me that I helped her immensely, and then when she got her bad grade she blamed me for it. I have a history of being used for studying purposes, and I am kind of getting tired of it. 🤷

Our midterm is this coming Friday, and not 20 minutes ago, I got a text from her asking to study with me for it. I was planning on responding that I couldn’t, but then she sent another text telling me that the professor recommended she study with me!

Now what? She is not a mean person; I think she has some sort of learning disability, and I do not want to hurt her feelings. No one in the class likes her, and while she is not my favorite person, I do not hate her.

Would it be wrong to say no? Is putting aside my own hurt feelings and studying with her the right thing to do?

Thanks for listening, everyone. All advice is appreciated!
 
If helping her to study is not going to hinder your success then you should help her whether she is a pain in the back or not. She might learn from you what sacrificial love is about. Just remind her that you are not responsible for her success or failure because you are not a professional teacher.
 
Ricordati il proverbio che dice: “Fa bene i tuoi affari, aiuta il prossimo e non ti curar d’altro.”
 
Cristiano said:
If helping her to study is not going to hinder your success then you should help her whether she is a pain in the back or not. She might learn from you what sacrificial love is about. Just remind her that you are not responsible for her success or failure because you are not a professional teacher.
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👍

You lose nothing by doing good for others except time. I would definitely help her, since helping her review will essentially be an additional review for you. I personally learned my stuff better when I was going over it with or explaining it to other people… Don’t let her know you heard what she said though, or it might make things awkward.
 
lovedance4ever said:
I’m in college, and I am taking Italian this semester. So far, my grades are really great…but here’s the problem.

Before the first quiz, one of my classmates asked if I would study with her. I agreed to do so, and we met at a local coffee shop to study. She is severely struggling in the class, and it turned into more of a tutoring session, which I did not really mind because I felt bad for her. After a few hours, she thanked me profusely, saying that she finally understood the material.

Several days later, we get our grades and she finds out that she failed it. After class, she goes up to the professor, begging him to let her re-take it, and stating that it was partially my fault because I confused her! I was furious, and embarrased. The professor laughed it off, because he knows that you cannot blame someone else for your mark on a test.

Two days before, she told me that I helped her immensely, and then when she got her bad grade she blamed me for it. I have a history of being used for studying purposes, and I am kind of getting tired of it. 🤷

Our midterm is this coming Friday, and not 20 minutes ago, I got a text from her asking to study with me for it. I was planning on responding that I couldn’t, but then she sent another text telling me that the professor recommended she study with me!

Now what? She is not a mean person; I think she has some sort of learning disability, and I do not want to hurt her feelings. No one in the class likes her, and while she is not my favorite person, I do not hate her.

Would it be wrong to say no? Is putting aside my own hurt feelings and studying with her the right thing to do?

Thanks for listening, everyone. All advice is appreciated!
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I would refer her to the tutoring office of the university. Or find the local Italian society and give her their contact info. I would say, “I am not a tutor and helping you means I don’t study the material the way I need to. Sorry, good luck with the test.”
 
ProdglArchitect said:
👍

You lose nothing by doing good for others except time. I would definitely help her, since helping her review will essentially be an additional review for you. I personally learned my stuff better when I was going over it with or explaining it to other people… Don’t let her know you heard what she said though, or it might make things awkward.
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if it will not interfere with your studies ,this is excellent advice. especially the highlighted
 
It sounds like she may need some more organized consistent support than you can offer while trying to accomplish you own work. Perhaps you could help her find out what extra tuition is available and then support her in that.
 
It’s always “I got an A!” and “He gave me an F.” 😛

It’s not uncommon for people to place the blame for their failings on someone else. That’s just fallen human nature at work. I wouldn’t take it personally. Some people feel they need to offer explanations to people in authority that takes the responsibility off of themselves. Professors see right through that. It was probably more of a compulsory response on her part. The fact that she is seeking to study with you again suggests that to me.

I see no reason not to study with her. You have to study anyway, right? I know that I always preferred to just crank through study sessions by myself, but it’s good to share our gifts as we can. I always felt blessed to be able to help others who were struggling. Usually, trying to explain the material to others helped me to remember things much better, at least long term. I’m pretty good at temporarily memorizing my notes and regurgitating them on a test, but studying with others helped me to move that info into long-term memory. 🙂

As Christiano said, if you can help her and it doesn’t hinder you, then why not help?
 
lovedance4ever said:
I’m in college, and I am taking Italian this semester. So far, my grades are really great…but here’s the problem.

Before the first quiz, one of my classmates asked if I would study with her. I agreed to do so, and we met at a local coffee shop to study. She is severely struggling in the class, and it turned into more of a tutoring session, which I did not really mind because I felt bad for her. After a few hours, she thanked me profusely, saying that she finally understood the material.

Several days later, we get our grades and she finds out that she failed it. After class, she goes up to the professor, begging him to let her re-take it, and stating that it was partially my fault because I confused her! I was furious, and embarrased. The professor laughed it off, because he knows that you cannot blame someone else for your mark on a test.

Two days before, she told me that I helped her immensely, and then when she got her bad grade she blamed me for it. I have a history of being used for studying purposes, and I am kind of getting tired of it. 🤷

Our midterm is this coming Friday, and not 20 minutes ago, I got a text from her asking to study with me for it. I was planning on responding that I couldn’t, but then she sent another text telling me that the professor recommended she study with me!

Now what? She is not a mean person; I think she has some sort of learning disability, and I do not want to hurt her feelings. No one in the class likes her, and while she is not my favorite person, I do not hate her.

Would it be wrong to say no? Is putting aside my own hurt feelings and studying with her the right thing to do?

Thanks for listening, everyone. All advice is appreciated!
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As a professor myself, I would not recommend a student to study with the same student she complained was the reason she failed a previous test.

I would immediately contact the professor and asked if what she says he said was true. If it’s not, you know you are being set up as her “reason” for failure. If it is true you were recommended, I would thank the professor for the compliment but you are not a tutor and especially uncomfortable with working with student for teh reasons you described to us.

As another posted said, contact the student immediately and refer her to the tutoring office, period, end of sentence. If she asks why, then tell her what you heard her say to the professor.

You describe this student as being unpopular in class and that she might have a disability. Don’t confuse the two. There are many students in any class who have disabilities (learning and/or physical) who are well liked and can still treat others with respect and don’t blame others. Her previous behavior and comments to the professor should be clear warning signs to " stay away".

You need to protect yourself in the class, your grade, and your relationship with teh professor
 
I don’t think you’re required to help her. However, it would be a great act of charity to do so. You have to be her study director, though. Instead of studying with her for hours and hours, you can offer a half-hour (or whatever amount of time you wish), where she can ask you what she is struggling with the most.

St. Therese used to seek out the grumpiest, most unpleasant nuns to befriend.

And keep up the good work! 👍
 
asd72 said:
It sounds like she may need some more organized consistent support than you can offer while trying to accomplish you own work. Perhaps you could help her find out what extra tuition is available and then support her in that.
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You said it a lot better and with more charity than I did. Especially if she has learning disabilities, you may not be able to tutor her effectively no matter what you try, no matter your good intentions. I think you should act as her guide and mentor, perhaps, but not feel obligated to tutor her yourself.
 
coachdennis said:
As a professor myself, I would not recommend a student to study with the same student she complained was the reason she failed a previous test.

I would immediately contact the professor and asked if what she says he said was true. If it’s not, you know you are being set up as her “reason” for failure. If it is true you were recommended, I would thank the professor for the compliment but you are not a tutor and especially uncomfortable with working with student for teh reasons you described to us.

As another posted said, contact the student immediately and refer her to the tutoring office, period, end of sentence. If she asks why, then tell her what you heard her say to the professor.

You describe this student as being unpopular in class and that she might have a disability. Don’t confuse the two. There are many students in any class who have disabilities (learning and/or physical) who are well liked and can still treat others with respect and don’t blame others. Her previous behavior and comments to the professor should be clear warning signs to " stay away".

You need to protect yourself in the class, your grade, and your relationship with teh professor
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I agree. This girl doesn’t sound very stable and in fact seems rather manipulative and incapable of accepting personal responsibility. Redirecting her to receive help from professionals who are equipped to handle it is definitely a Christian thing to do and would probably be most helpful to you AND her in the long run.
 
I would say…“No Thank you, I think you should look for a professional.” If she questions you furthur, I would be honest. “You hurt my feelings, when you said your grade was my fault. I tried to help you. It didn’t work. Please look for a professional.”

It is precisely when our bad behavior has consequences that we learn from it.🙂
 
A few years ago, while going to my local college I was taking an Astronomy class and was doing pretty good, aced the class myself. But there was a woman in the class, whom I had in another class the semester before. Her and a friend were having difficulties. One said she thought they would be learning astrology and horoscopes. Needless to say I wasn’t impressed with the two of them. But the previous semester I learned the one woman was a single mom who was working full time but still going to school full time. The two girls asked me to help them which I attempted to do. They didn’t do that well, even though they seemed to get it when I was around. They failed most of the tests, but we still got together, then another woman join us also because she was having a hard time. But she did a lot better on the final and barely passed. I felt really bad, even talked with the professor. Told him what they said about astrology and he just shook his head and told me some people are just not able to grasp the material. But I have to say that my helping them actually probably helped me more. Even though they didn’t do that well, I’m happy I did it just because I know they did better than without my help.
 
lovedance4ever said:
Several days later, we get our grades and she finds out that she failed it. After class, she goes up to the professor, begging him to let her re-take it, and stating that it was partially my fault because I confused her! I was furious, and embarrased. The professor laughed it off, because he knows that you cannot blame someone else for your mark on a test.
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I assume that you heard her say this yourself. If not, all bets are off. 🙂

Either she is telling the truth, and you shouldn’t tutor her because apparently she doesn’t respond well to your teaching style.

Or she is telling a lie, and you shouldn’t tutor her because she’s using you as an excuse.

I’m with the people who say you should direct her to the tutoring center. You tutored her last time and she failed. She needs more help (one way or another) than you can give. I’d just say something to her like, “It didn’t actually help you much last time, so it’s probably better for you to find an official tutor.”

Your mileage may vary.

–Jen
 
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