Is studying with her the right thing to do?

[BlueEyedLady]

As someone who struggled terribly with my foreign language requirement for my undergrad I can tell you that the kindest thing you can do is refer her to an excellent tutor on campus. Learning another language as an adult is either something you get or its something that you really have to fight to do. I had a hell of a fight and trust me, another student just wouldn’t have been able to keep me afloat. Not to mention that even trying would have cost that person so much time and energy, it would have been incredibly unfair to them.

You may even want to go to the professor and see if he can set her up with a tutor, perhaps a grad student who is getting a Master’s in Italian or international communications.

 

[EasterJoy]

Again, the truth is demonstrated: No good deed goes unpunished.

There isn’t a “right thing” to do in this case. Studying with classmates is done on a basis of mutual agreement and mutual benefit. Your profit/loss statement isn’t looking so good, and the state of hers is up in the air. Besides, in the big picture, Italian is probably not the segment of her education most in need of attention. This woman is not going to benefit from social interaction “grade inflation”. You can be nice about it, but she needs honest feedback.

To start: I’d have a talk with your professor, because I’m not 100% sure that you’re getting the literal translation of what the professor said about studying with you. You’re not his teaching assistant, so I’m thinking he said not “study with LoveDance4ever” but rather “why don’t you ask LoveDance4ever to study with you? From what you’re telling me and what I saw on your tests, it is far more likely that she helped you than hurt you.”

Having said that, I’ve done a lot of tutoring in my life, and I have to say there is nothing like teaching to help one learn a subject. All other things being equal, you’ll do the best by teaching and with a language you’ll do the best by communicating with it every chance you get.

If it helped you to study with her, feel free to go for it, but do warn her that you had no intention to confuse her and do not want her to feel you’re ruining her grades. Really, call her on blaming her failure on you to the professor and in front of everybody and then privately asking you to study with her again, because that took some chutzpah. It is not going to help her to simply ignore a faux pas of that magnitude. Most people are not going to take treatment like that, and she should realize that even “nice” people can be offended by bad treatment and decide to opt out of further abuse.

If it didn’t help you, and you don’t feel inclined to go through another round of her interpersonal skills, then by all means say so. She deserves to get the midterm grade back on that course in “Life”, too. “By your own account–given if front of Heaven and everyone, I might add–I only hurt your score by how much I confused you the last time we studied, and frankly I was embarrassed that you put the blame on me in front of everyone like you did, as if I’d sabotaged you. Free tutoring is worth what you pay for it, but I think you need a different study partner. I like having a study partner, but I do have my boundaries, and you really crossed it with me.”

You don’t have to be mean or tactless, you don’t have to give feedback that isn’t asked for, but you ought to be honest with those who hurt you. She’s old enough to know better, and she needs to do better. Do her a favor, and if she remotely asks…say so. You have nothing to lose, and she has much to gain.

 

[Groo]

She is failing the class. It’s Wednesday, and the exam is on Friday. That is 2 days to study for material she has not grasped all semester.

She has no chance of passing. I wouldn’t waste my time.

 

[underacloud]

It may be *right *(just) to refuse her request because she blamed you last time, but it would be *virtuous *to help her nonetheless. I wouldn’t focus on this aspect of it.

The bigger questions are:

a) will you penalise yourself by doing so? Your current vocation as a student is to do well in your studies, so you have a duty to ensure you don’t penalise yourself because others have neglected their own studies.

b) are you the right person to help her anyway? As others have said, professional tutoring may be better for her. Since your tuition didn’t enable her to pass the previous exam, it is probably right for you to steer her in the appropriate direction towards professional tuition. If you choose to take this approach, I’m sure you can do so in a friendly manner.

 

[Nom_the_Wise]

I’m half Sicilian. I’d say “Nooooooo.” You’ve been there and done that.

The only question is: is she cute? If she’s cute, I’d think about it.

Just saying.

 

[EasterJoy]

It may be *right *(just) to refuse her request because she blamed you last time, but it would be *virtuous *to help her nonetheless…

That is not necessarily true. It is a spiritual work of mercy to endure wrongs patiently, but it isn’t a spiritual work of mercy to positively reinforce wrong-doing. People who engage in blaming behavior aren’t helped by being given a pass on it. IOW, it is virtuous to pass over her bad-mouthing without making a fuss over it to anyone else, and if the person apologizes, it could be virtuous to decide to let her have another chance. It isn’t virtuous to pretend that no wrong was done or to reward bad behavior by re-doubling one’s efforts after a false accusation. I would argue that to do that would be to provide a near occasion of sin to the person mistreating you.

“If your brother sins (against you), go and tell him his fault between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have won over your brother. If he does not listen, take one or two others along with you, so that ‘every fact may be established on the testimony of two or three witnesses.’ If he refuses to listen to them, tell the church. If he refuses to listen even to the church, then treat him as you would a Gentile or a tax collector.” Matt 18:15-17

 

[EasterJoy]

I’m half Sicilian. I’d say “Nooooooo.” You’ve been there and done that.

The only question is: is she cute? If she’s cute, I’d think about it.

Just saying.

The OP is female, but…

Oh, gosh…if a woman shows she has a bad character, for heaven’s sakes DO NOT let yourself give her a pass because she’s cute! That is all you do not need, is to let yourself fall for someone’s looks when the way she got your attention was by her bad character traits. Do not give them a pass because they have handicaps, either. If you have a child with any kind of special challenges or special talents, this is the first thing an experienced advisor will tell you. A good character and kind manners are optional for no one! You never do a person a favor by giving them the impression that the rules of common decency don’t apply to them.

This is not gender-specific. If you start finding yourself thinking, “Hmmm…she’s cute”, you had better stop and look for signs of poison before you rush in. This is true of all in your social circle, including study partners, but especially true of anyone you’d consider courting.

“Easily in but not easily out, as the lobster said in the lobster pot.” Sallowpad, The Horse and His Boy, C.S. Lewis

 

[BlueEyedLady]

The OP is female, but…

Oh, gosh…if a woman shows she has a bad character, for heaven’s sakes DO NOT let yourself give her a pass because she’s cute! That is all you do not need, is to let yourself fall for someone’s looks when the way she got your attention was by her bad character traits. Do not give them a pass because they have handicaps, either. If you have a child with any kind of special challenges or special talents, this is the first thing an experienced advisor will tell you. A good character and kind manners are optional for no one! You never do a person a favor by giving them the impression that the rules of common decency don’t apply to them.

This is not gender-specific. If you start finding yourself thinking, “Hmmm…she’s cute”, you had better stop and look for signs of poison before you rush in. This is true of all in your social circle, including study partners, but especially true of anyone you’d consider courting.

“Easily in but not easily out, as the lobster said in the lobster pot.” Sallowpad, The Horse and His Boy, C.S. Lewis

Now now, let’s not be hasty. Being cute has gotten me lots of free coffee from Starbucks and out of a few speeding tickets. Surely that can’t be too wrong…

 

[EasterJoy]

Now now, let’s not be hasty. Being cute has gotten me lots of free coffee from Starbucks and out of a few speeding tickets. Surely that can’t be too wrong…

Maybe you are too hasty!!! I think perhaps you were comp’d the coffee because of the imperishable beauty of your gentle and calm disposition, and let off on the tickets because of your obvious contrition and firm purpose of amendment!

 

[underacloud]

That is not necessarily true. It is a spiritual work of mercy to endure wrongs patiently, but it isn’t a spiritual work of mercy to positively reinforce wrong-doing. People who engage in blaming behavior aren’t helped by being given a pass on it. IOW, it is virtuous to pass over her bad-mouthing without making a fuss over it to anyone else, and if the person apologizes, it could be virtuous to decide to let her have another chance. It isn’t virtuous to pretend that no wrong was done or to reward bad behavior by re-doubling one’s efforts after a false accusation. I would argue that to do that would be to provide a near occasion of sin to the person mistreating you.

To forgive someone a petty fault without calling them out on it is virtuous; St. Thérèse of Liseux provided a model for us all on this point. If the behaviour was demonstrated as an ongoing issue, or a more serious sin, then I’d be more inclined to agree with your viewpoint.

And there is no way in which overlooking this fault could be seen to reward or reinforce it. In fact, behavioural psychologist will tell you that in many contexts ignoring bad behaviour is one of the best means to erradicate it.

 

[EasterJoy]

To forgive someone a petty fault without calling them out on it is virtuous; St. Thérèse of Liseux provided a model for us all on this point. If the behaviour was demonstrated as an ongoing issue, or a more serious sin, then I’d be more inclined to agree with your viewpoint.

And there is no way in which overlooking this fault could be seen to reward or reinforce it. In fact, behavioural psychologist will tell you that in many contexts ignoring bad behaviour is one of the best means to erradicate it.

The contexts in which ignoring bad behavior eradicates it is when the bad behavior is an attempt to get attention. That is what the professor was doing by laughing off the offender’s silly attempt to gain advantage by blaming someone else. The offender didn’t even get a dramatic moment out of it. Wisely handled.

I am also not suggesting that the OP would call this person out if the person had never asked her to study together again. Sure, let that go. The OP also did not defend herself when she was embarrassed in public. She also has not run around the class “setting the record straight” with her classmates…that was very much like St. Thérèse.

But if somebody helps you to study, then after giving them good feedback you blame them publicly for your bad result in the hopes of gaining advantage for yourself, and then you turn around and ask them to help you again as if you had never betrayed their trust and their kindness or owed them any kind of an apology, that is something else again. You should hope that at that private moment, they will be honest with you and say, “What gives?” and maybe even “uh, uh. I can’t let you treat people that way, even when the ‘people’ is me.”

Isn’t that what you would hope someone would do for you?

 

[underacloud]

But if somebody helps you to study, then after giving them good feedback you blame them publicly for your bad result in the hopes of gaining advantage for yourself, and then you turn around and ask them to help you again as if you had never betrayed their trust and their kindness or owed them any kind of an apology, that is something else again. You should hope that at that private moment, they will be honest with you and say, “What gives?” and maybe even “uh, uh. I can’t let you treat people that way, even when the ‘people’ is me.”

Isn’t that what you would hope someone would do for you?

Actually, I hate confrontation, so would be glad if they overlooked my previous fault. Call me a coward!

I guess the OP can decide for herself whether to raise this issue. Perhaps she could question this person and say “but I thought that I confused you last time? I wouldn’t want you to think that my tuition was the reason for your exam results”.

So the OP could raise this or could let it go. Either way, I don’t think the past comment is grounds per se for refusing to tutor them again.

 

[EasterJoy]

Actually, I hate confrontation, so would be glad if they overlooked my previous fault. Call me a coward!

I guess the OP can decide for herself whether to raise this issue. Perhaps she could question this person and say “but I thought that I confused you last time? I wouldn’t want you to think that my tuition was the reason for your exam results”.

So the OP could raise this or could let it go. Either way, I don’t think the past comment is grounds per se for refusing to tutor them again.

The OP described a fairly serious offense against someone else’s trust, not just a run-of-the-mill fault. I don’t know if this was a one-time very stupid mistake or a bad habit the other student developed at home with her family, but if not confronted at some point, a habit like that could kill this classmate’s chances of keeping any friends.

The OP might profit very much by studying with this girl or, if she is more advanced, from tutoring her. Teaching others is a good self-teaching tool, whether or not those you teach are particularly gracious towards you! So if she wants to do it, sure.

Absolutely, I think she can judge what to do, because she actually knows the person. I mean to assure her that raising the question directly is not an uncharitable thing to do, provided it is done discretely. The OP should not share the issue with those who have no business knowing it, let alone run the other student down with others, she should try to interpet the other student’s behavior in a favorable light where that is possible, but she should not feel that charity demands that she not confront the girl or that she can’t withdraw support that was previously rewarded by a violation of trust. Charity could even require the opposite. These are things we learn by trial: that is, this is how we develop our sense of how to read others and to decide when it helps to give them what they want and when it helps to deny them what they want.

I don’t think she has evidence she’s dealing with a dangerous personality, such that she *ought *to stay off the other student’s radar for her own safety. That would be true if the other student were to have exhibited a pattern of vindictiveness or deception. Stay far from that kind from the minute you recognize them; they can truly be evil. In that case, avoiding confrontation is very prudent, and not cowardly at all! It is better to simply avoid those as soon as you catch on to their mode of operation, but not to do anything to attract retaliation. Even when they are merely nasty, that kind doesn’t usually profit from correction, and often do almost inexplicably spiteful things to those who try to offer it. Cruelty, vindictiveness, and deception are the marks of the devil; wise people quietly put a world of distance between themselves and those who embrace any of those vices (rather than an isolated instance of flying off the handle and doing something like that). A propensity to shift blame rather than ever take it upon oneself is also a red flag.

I don’t think we have enough reason to believe that this other student is that type, though. If she has no experience in flunking, this test result could have brought out behavior the other student didn’t even know she had in herself. The rest of the class does not like her, as nearly as the OP can tell, but that may be because this other student is not socially adept, and may have nothing to do with this incident. If she is disliked because she tells lies, shifts the blame to others, and so on, that is different–swim with the class, and quietly stay away from her–but if she is only immature, then that is different. In that case, the OP might decide to give her another chance, yes.

 

[mdgspencer]

She sounds like an unstable personality and may act to get you into further difficulties. But if you are willing to take a chance, more power to you. But you should realize that you may pay for it if you help her again. She has done it already.

 

[Armor_of_Light]

Remember the proverb that goes: “Take good care of your own business, help your neighbor, and do not worry about anything else.”

Ahh…Thanks Cristiano!

 

[Cariethra]

I would suggest a group study over one on one, if you are concerned about getting burned again.

Honestly some people are just plain bad at foreign languages… like me. I was horrible in Spanish class. It was the only time I got a D, but I worked my butt off for that D and was proud of it. At the same time I’ve learned a lot of French and German from my husband. He speaks it randomly, so I’ve needed to learn it. I couldn’t tell you what individual words meant though.

In the end at least you have the professor on your side.

 

[DarkLight]

She told you the professor recommended this?

I might check that statement out.

 

[EasterJoy]

I have to quit posting so much, but I wanted to add one thought.

OP, in other threads you have noted that in your past you have sometimes felt that others have targetted you as someone whose good nature can be used to their own advantage. In the past, you have wondered if others might even target you as someone they can use for as long as they can get something out of you, rather than as a friend whose help they appreciate.

You could talk it over with a counsellor, but considering that you have felt this way in the past, it might be very good for you to draw a line with this offensive classmate. If the professor really did point you out as someone to study with after how you were treated right in front of him, you can also draw a line with the professor, gently asking that he not encourage anyone who treats you like that in public to seek out your free services in private.

I do not mean to draw these lines in anger, but to gently assert yourself, as a mother asserts herself when she first teaches her child appropriate boundaries. I think you will feel very much better about the help you give others if you also feel that you do not give in charity at the expense of your own self respect…that is, that you stick up for yourself as you would expect yourself to stick up for someone who you witnessed being treated badly, that your generosity is not a temptation for those who would otherwise sin in how they use it. That could give you some of the self-confidence you’ve been looking for.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

I would suggest a group study over one on one, if you are concerned about getting burned again.

Honestly some people are just plain bad at foreign languages… like me. I was horrible in Spanish class. It was the only time I got a D, but I worked my butt off for that D and was proud of it. At the same time I’ve learned a lot of French and German from my husband. He speaks it randomly, so I’ve needed to learn it. I couldn’t tell you what individual words meant though.

In the end at least you have the professor on your side.

Side point, but what is taught as “foreign language” in college isn’t really the language but the grammar and vocabulary of the language. It won’t help you communicate except perhaps to write a basic note or letter, and to possibly understand a written story (although you wouldn’t get much of the phraseology or vernacular expressions).

Spoken language cannot be taught by reading out of a textbook. It is a fluid experience, and I believe it does not originate in the same part of the brain as reading and writing. The best way to learn to speak a foreign language is to be immersed in it, with no drilling and no written texts. And the best time to learn to speak a foreign language (which implies understanding speech) is when the brain is still very plastic, up until the age of about 12. After that, it gets more difficult.

The way languages are taught in school is simply not useful if you want to speak and understand a 2nd or 3rd language. I can understand most of what is said to me in French, and my responses IN MY HEAD are perfect grammatically, but getting them to come out of my mouth is nearly impossible, and doesn’t happen in real-time.