Is the "friend-zone" unChristian?

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I keep hearing conflicting ideas, marry your best friend, or people getting “friendzoned”. I mean I would hope that a person likes me for me as opposed to lusting or being infatuated with me? Don’t you all think being a friend —> relationship is a lot more mature and sincere, and Christ-like, than saying “I’m friend-zoning you”?(implying that because we are friends I’m never going to love you romantically) The latter sounds kinda utilitarian to be honest…
 
I completely agree with you.
I’ve never been really big on the whole modern popular take on quick “friend zoning” like when people go on one date and then automatically decide he/she would only make a good friend.
To me,it seems that making such a decision in such a short amount of time could make those people sometimes really miss out.

I guess it’s also the definition of friend.
To me,there’s friends and then there’s best friends.
To have a guy who could be your greatest friend and supporter,and that you are also romantically and sexually attracted to each other-wouldn’t that be the ultimate?
 
I think there’s a difference between “marrying your best friend” and “friendzoning”. The latter suggests there is no attraction on one side of the relationship, the former doesn’t. Not necessarily lust or infatuation, but just an attraction to something about the other person.

I don’t think friendzoning is bad. If you know a relationship isn’t going to go anywhere because you don’t feel anything romantically for a person, it’s better to end it there instead of potentially stringing them along. Having a friend where your relationship grows to be romantic is different.
 
Whatever you call it, sometimes there is no attraction, no spark. You meet and date a perfectly nice guy, having some eventual long term future in the back of your mind, and your mind blanks out at the idea of even kissing, much less getting more physical than that.

That doesn’t mean he’s not a nice person you want to spend social time with, he’s just in the Not a potential partner ever category.
I don’t mean you should rub it in, but if the question comes up it’s better to be honest than to string someone along on false pretenses.
 
Agree. Friendzoning refers to the situation wherein one friend wants to be in a romantic relationship with the other, but the other doesn’t feel the same way, he or she just wants to be friends.

Yeah, I mean you can’t force attraction or if you don’t feel anything romantically towards the person, there’s no need to be in a romantic relationship with him/her.

It is un-Christian to lead another to believe that you like that person, when the opposite is true. Don’t give dashed hopes, they’re awful. Just be forthright.
 
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Absolutely.
If you aren’t attracted to the person then there’s no point trying to “force it” in my view.
At the same time,there are people that say they weren’t attracted initially but then the attraction grew later.

Also,when we place too much focus on attraction,if something happens to that person later once married and they become unattractive (ill,overweight,saggy,washed out,rundown etc) then isn’t there a chance that the other (husband or wife) will lose love or interest?

Regarding when dating,generally speaking, I mean more when people decide to “friend zone” too quickly,like after one date and referring more to the instances when the person is actually attracted to the other person,but he “friendzones” the woman because she isn’t sexy enough (in his mind) or the woman friendzones him because he’s attractive but too “nice guy” or not exciting enough (in her mind).
 
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Also,if you wouldn’t want to kiss him then why would go on a date with him in the first place?
I understand if it was a blind date,but if it was a date with someone you had seen before (in life or online) then if a person feels so unattracted to that man/woman that they wouldn’t want to kiss them,then isn’t it better not to go on a date with them even if they ask?
Personally,I wouldn’t go on a date with someone I was very unattracted to.
 
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Rozellelily said:
Regarding when dating,generally speaking, I mean more when people decide to “friend zone” too quickly,like after one date and referring more to the instances when the person is actually attracted to the other person,but he “friendzones” the woman because she isn’t sexy enough (in his mind) or the woman friendzones him because he’s attractive but too “nice guy” or not exciting enough (in her mind).
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Some people are immature and not very charitable. Still, the point of not falsely leading someone along stands.

As for losing the attraction to a spouse later on, it’s a different thing. You may love the person, have a long relationship, children etc but one day the hunger is just gone. It may be a temporary thing, it may rekindle with work/therapy, but as I keep saying you cannot make yourself attracted to someone, even if you should be. It’s a bit like faith, it just cannot be forced.
 
The “immature kind” is the type of friend zoning that I took the OP to be referring too.
Just the fact that some people we won’t be attracted to (and vice versa) to me is just natural so I think we are on the same page🙂.

I agree that no one should lead anyone on (whether for ego,or too coward to tell them etc…)
 
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I’m speaking as a widow, so I ended up on some friend-of-a-friend dates, or going for coffee with people I’ve known for years online as friends/shared interests, or a nice lunch with an occasionally-met colleague from two departments over and so on. Not dating unvetted strangers off the net, just trying to expand the social circle, dipping toes into the scene, being open to the possibility.

And in that situation you can tell pretty fast if this is a) big nope, b) a potential friend but nothing else = ’friendzone’ or c) someone you could consider (if the interest is mutual, everything else works out and so on)
 
Unfortunately agree it is the case sometimes,that a person can “tick all the right boxes” such as Christian,kind,caring etc but there is just no mutual attraction/compatibility there.
 
Agree too. Attraction may change. It can be absent, and and it can gradually develop. Or it can disappear.

But let’s say these two people got to know each other, and as time passed, one party just isn’t feeling the chemistry or the attraction. Then I guess it’s better for them to remain friends than to take it to the next level of a romantic relationship.

Another thing about attraction. You could probably someone you’re not very attracted to, but at least someone who is not repulsive to you. I think that would be very hard.
 
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True, this can happen as well.

Or someone who doesn’t tick the boxes, but the attraction is present.
 
Also,do some people place too much emphasis on “chemistry” ie:some elusive spark?
I come from a European Slavic background and in dating/relationships there is mention of romance,attraction,and compatible but not really this big focus on “chemistry” on dates that I have encountered in some Australian and American mentalities.
 
I mean for centuries arranged marriages existed or people married for practical reasons rather than feelings? I agree that you shouldn’t date someone who it won’t work with but I think labeling them as a “friend” for that reason is a bit off. Everyone I know who I wouldn’t date I have pretty concrete reasons for it other than feelings. Feelings for me develop as I get to know a person and like honorable qualities about him
 
I think “friend-zone” is just a phrase used when someone finds that someone they have fancied only sees them as a friend and there is no chance of romantic relationship.

I don’t think it represents a rejection of any type of friendship, and I’ve never heard it used except by the person who feels they’ve been “friend-zoned”.

Nobody says “I’m friend-zoning you!”
 
Rozellelily said:
Also,do some people place too much emphasis on “chemistry” ie:some elusive spark?
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I don’t think so. And I don’t think it’s that elusive. You can have a chemistry between friends too. I can honestly say that from my wife to my closest friends, there is some kind of “chemistry” that helped to spark that relationship. I would describe it as the thing that makes you want to spend time with a person. I think that’s pretty essential to marriage in the modern context.

Regarding “ye olde time marriage”, I’ve begun to think that it’s useless to reference things such as arranged marriage and “how things used to be”. In bygone days, there were things built into society that prevented marital breakdown, even in the worst of circumstances. Taboos etc. Like, divorce being frowned upon, or moving in together/second marriages seen as adultery.

But in the context of the 21st century, these taboos have broken down to an extent. Because of this it is even more important for those who do get married to take into account things like chemistry and attraction. If the individual is the one choosing their own spouse these things become much more important than if it was an arranged marriage.
 
AdamP88 said:
I can honestly say that from my wife to my closest friends, there is some kind of “chemistry” that helped to spark that relationship. I would describe it as the thing that makes you want to spend time with a person. I think that’s pretty essential to marriage in the modern context.
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That is very, very true.

There have been a number of situations where (demographically or ideologically speaking) I “should” have been friends with somebody, but we just didn’t have a spark.

At least in my experience, romantic friendship has been a subdivision of friendship. I wouldn’t say that I was “friends first” with my future husband, because the friendship and the romance were developing at the same time, but I believe it does happen.
 
I think where the “friendzone” is most dangerous is when a person languishes there expecting to one day be considered romance material. That’s not fair to either person. If you can’t handle being “just friends,” with someone, find new social circles to move in.

That said, I do think there’s way too much pressure even for first dates. Dates are for getting to know each other. In general, I think a person should accept to go on a date when asked, but the asker should be willing to accept refusal of future dates. That’s not “being friendzoned,” it’s just lack of compatibility, and it doesn’t mean squat about your worth as a person.
 
I agree. I have wondered about this. Arranged marriages existed ever since, and some traditional culture still do it up to the present. Some of them didn’t know each other before the marriage, just meeting on the wedding day itself. And yet they remain happily married. A lot of people in the ‘modern’ world have the freedom to choose their partner, yet end up unhappy and divorcing.

With these arranged marriages, you could say these people didn’t have romantic feelings, since they didn’t even know each other well. But you can say that love grows and develops over time as they spend time with each other.
 
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