Is the "friend-zone" unChristian?

[joyful]

I think it’s because a lot of people marry based on their feelings, which isnt wrong unless that’s the only reason you’re getting married. because feelings change. a lot of people who are “set up” tend to have similar backgrounds and upbringings so a lot of marriage issues are avoided. more so, divorce in those cultures isnt an option so people have to figure out how to deal with their issues, some people dont and end up just losing interest in their spouse, but at that point they generally have children or grandchildren that take up their time more, as those societies are more collectivistic and keep close ties with their friends, neighbors, and extended families.
I think modern society has an unhealthy view of marriage as this fairytale thing. marriage isnt supposed to make you happy, it is supposed to make you holy. I forgot who said it but there’s this quote “marriage is where two good people go to die (to themselves)”

 

[pensmama87]

I think there’s something to understanding that marriage is more than fleeting sparks of attraction. That said…it should not every day be a drudgery. It requires practice. Most of the time, spouses should genuinely like and value one another. As we practice, we should get better at being married. When both spouses do this honestly, I think most are very likely to end up quite happy.

 

[Rozellelily]

Hi Adamp88,

In which way do you have chemistry even with friends (I’m assuming you mean some apart and not just sharing mutual mindsets or sense of humour)?

I agree with you that things such as arranged marriages would not really work in the current culture/in countries where “no fault divorce” is socially acceptable.
At the same time,while I get attraction and romance,I do wonder about the excessive focus some people place on chemistry/spark/fireworks.
Maybe it is a cultural difference or perhaps people have different interpretations of the term “chemistry”.

Like my favourite show is “first dates” and if you’ve ever watched it you see some couples going on dates,they might say to the camera that they are physically attracted to the other,the conversion flows well and naturally,they genuinely laugh etc and from a viewers perspective I think the date has gone well…but then they say to the cameras that they don’t want a second date and only want to “friend zone him or her” because there wasn’t enough chemistry.
I wonder if some people are prematurely rejecting a potential good relationship because they have impossible expectations and expect chemistry/fireworks/sparks to fly?

Also,as happens with real fireworks,the fire eventually goes out,so if people form relationships based on spark,what will happen to the relationship if/when the spark goes out?
(I’m referring to chemistry not attraction).

 

[Rozellelily]

I do agree that some amount of being on the same wavelength/likeminded is necessary for a relationship,because like we sometimes see in movies if a male and female actor leads are on different wavelengths and seem unconvincing as a romantic couple,we (the viewer) pick it up and say “they have no chemistry” because they seem too different and we don’t “buy” that they are in love (in the movie).

Perhaps at the same time though,people in countries like USA,Australia,England have been too conditioned by Hollywood movies to expect “sparks to fly everywhere” or otherwise they won’t be satisfied,will keep looking and then too much moan why are they single?

 

[joyful]

good point. at the same time though, “romance” movies show very little of what real love is. I’d personally rather be loved than just have chemistry, which can often be superficial if we mean it to be good at flirting with eachother. love is an action and you know people love eachother based on how they treat one another, not just how flirty or how emotional they get.

 

[Rozellelily]

Me too.
I’d rather a life long marriage with a caring and faithful man who would be there good times or bad (poverty,dementia etc) rather than just living in the moment for some sparks.

 

[AdamP88]

I wonder if some people are prematurely rejecting a potential good relationship because they have impossible expectations and expect chemistry/fireworks/sparks to fly?

I think you have a point here. There are people I’ve met who have impossible expectations etc. But in terms of chemistry I would say it’s important in a relationship for some amount of chemistry to occur. It’s not necessarily “fireworks”. I would define it as anything that rouses interest in the two people and prompts them to “come back for more”. I think it’s important to have that. You could go on a date with someone and just not feel any desire to further pursue the relationship. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that.

 

[joyful]

Do you believe that there’s people God wants us to be with? Not everyone prays before going on dates to know God’s will

 

[AdamP88]

I believe God sometimes guides us to people. I believe He guided me to my wife. But I also think He uses the desires and preferences people have. I think it’s possible to worry too much about making the right decision or vocation that opportunities can pass you by.